Chasing Ghosts

Thirteen Years Ago...

Laura left the office building and turned onto the sidewalk in the center of town. She had her annual physical that day and was missing the first half of a school day. The blonde continued in the direction of her high school before hearing soft music playing somewhere off the road. Looking ahead, she saw the stone path that led to a small pond. She used to go there a lot when she was younger to feed the ducks bread.

Slowly making her way through the slightly overgrown hedges, she eventually came across the music maker. 

"Seriously? It's the first week of school and you're already skipping?" Laura commented with her arms crossed over her chest. Laura was excited to finally be in high school. She didn't understand how the brunette could already want to ditch school.

The girl stopped mid song and looked up from an old wooden bench that had started to deteriorate over the years. "Well clearly I'm not the only one. Didn't think you had it in ya, blondie," she smirked.

Laura lifted a brow. "Blondie? No 'cupcake' or 'creampuff' today?"

"Is a blondie not a dessert?" the brunette commented, her attention back on the instrument in her lap as she plucked the strings.

The blonde's cheeks turned red. "Um, right... Well, I'm not skipping. I had a doctor's appointment. Yearly physical. I'm on my way to school now."

Carmilla chuckled and shook her head as she continued to hit the strings. It was a soft, but attentive rhythm. "I should've known you'd never skip for the hell of it." Her dark eyes looked back up at Laura. "Let me guess... You are the epitome of perfect health."

The blonde's cheeks remained red. She didn't understand how Carmilla could make her feel so self-conscious sometimes. "Why does it feel like you're judging me for something that's a good thing?"

"Not judging," she corrected as she continued to watch her fingers pluck at her guitar strings. "It's just predictable. You probably brush your teeth five times a day. I know for a fact that you actually wait thirty minutes after eating before swimming. You're the best on the track team and you're only a sophomore. And you help old ladies bring home their groceries."

Laura frowned. "First of all, I only brush my teeth three times a day. Secondly, I didn't wait thirty minutes once and my stomach ended up getting all wonky! Thirdly, I think you just complimented me, but I'm too shocked over the fact that you actually know I'm on the track team. And finally, what the hell does helping Ms. Zeta with groceries have to do with my health?"

"You're predictable, cupcake. You do all the good deeds and earn all the gold stars. You follow a set of rules and stay inside the lines. Don't look so surprised. Of course you're perfect."

The blonde's mouth fell ajar. "I'm- I'm not perfect!"

"Miss Tightly Wound Hollis whining about being perfect... It's probably killing you that the longer you waste here, the less learning you'll be doing in that big brick prison." The brunette scoffed.

Laura rolled her eyes. "You're so dramatic. Stop brooding and trying to analyze me. You don't know enough about me to even begin to say I'm perfect."

"Oh, but I do. You're Laura Hollis, daughter of Sheriff James Hollis and mechanic, Suzanne Hollis. You've had the whole town watching over you since the day you learned to walk. The cute, clumsy girl next door. And I swear smiles are your personal form of currency."

Laura frowned. "Why do you always have to give me a hard time? What did I ever do to you?"

Carmilla stopped playing and lifted her head to stare evenly at the now pissed off girl in front of her. "You haven't done anything."

The blonde's mouth fell open. "Then why are you so damn infuriating?" she exclaimed, throwing her hands in the air in frustration.

"Wow. Big word, cupcake. But I don't think you know what it means. How am I infuriating? You're the one who just interrupted my little jam session to start a debate."

"This! This is exactly why you're infuriating! You turn everything around and always make me feel like the idiot!"

Carmilla rose a delicate brow. "If you feel like an idiot, it's your own doing. As for thinking I'm out to make your life miserable? Please. I have better things to do."

"Why are you so- so mean?!" Laura yelled with clenched fists by her sides.

The brunette removed the instrument from her lap and sat straight up. Her brows were furrowed and her jaw set. "What did I say that offended you exactly? Which part of this conversation was me being mean?"

Laura opened her mouth, eager to respond, but hesitated. "You- You called me perfect!"

Carmilla's brows shot up unimpressed. "Sounds more like a compliment to me."

The blonde glared. "You didn't mean it as a compliment, Carmilla."

The brunette shrugged and rose to her feet, strapping the guitar over her shoulder and hanging it down her back. "Compliment or not, why does it bother you so much?"

"Because- Because you're so- so-"

"Infuriating?" she smirked.

"Ugh! Yes!" Laura agreed through gritted teeth.

"Why don't you run off to school now, cupcake. You might miss something super important," she chuckled as she brushed past the blonde.

Laura spun around with her hands on her hips. "And where are you going?"

Carmilla turned around but continued to walk backwards down the small path. "Wouldn't you like to know," she smirked yet again before turning back around to leave.

The blonde huffed before marching after her. "I would like to know."

"Well aren't you feisty today!" Carmilla said over her shoulder. "For someone so infuriated with me, you're having trouble letting me walk away."

"Can you answer a question once in your life without being so difficult?" 

Carmilla stopped after reaching the sidewalk and turned to stare at Laura who approached. "Why would I do that when it's so satisfying seeing you all worked up?"

"Ugh! That's it! I'm done. I'm leaving!" Laura yelled, her being the one to brush past Carmilla this time. She walked a few steps down the sidewalk, Carmilla watching with a smirk, before she spun back around and stomped toward the brunette with a pointed finger. "No! I'm not letting you win this one! Tell me where you're going!"

Carmilla raised a brow with her smirk still ever present. "Demanding, huh? Cute." She watched as the blonde's nostrils flared before continuing. "Ever think about asking nicely?"

Laura's eyes widened for a second before she took a deep breath. "Fine. Will you please tell me where you're going?"

The brunette grinned. "Why don't you follow and find out?" She started walking backwards down the sidewalk. "That is, if you aren't too scared to miss a little more school..."

"I'm not scared!"

"Prove it."

Laura stared back into her amused eyes, taking the challenge. "Fine. Let's go."

Present Day...

"What do you mean she's not dead?" Laura barely managed to speak her thoughts; too stunned and confused to be completely coherent. Carmilla ran a hand through her hair and took a step further into the kitchen to approach the soldier, but Laura held her hand out and took a step back. "I need you to explain this."

"There's not much to explain," the brunette said in irritation. "She's alive and feeling guilty. The woman's cancer came back when my belly was about to pop and she told me how it would have been too hard for me; that I had a child to take care of now. I told her it didn't matter; that it was our child; that I would take care of both of them. And then she told me she didn't want to be here anymore. So she packed up and left." She took a deep breath. "She left me to go die somewhere else. And then a year ago, I started getting these fucking letters. She's sorry. Can you believe that? She's sorry she left me and Livie. You know what she should really be sorry about? Not fucking dying in the first place!"

The fire in Carmilla's dark eyes was off-putting. Laura forced a swallow to calm her nerves. "You wish she was dead?" Laura asked softly.

"No, cupcake. She's been fucking dead to me for years. After everything we'd been through? All the appointments, all the life long plans, Livie... God, she couldn't even stay for Livie. She was supposed to be her mother too." She shook her head rapidly. "She told me she wanted a kid... And then before she left, she told me how it was all a mistake." Her dark watery gaze locked with Laura's concerned honey eyes. "Livie was never a mistake to me. And for her to say that? For her to attack the one constant that was in my life? I didn't block the front door. Hell, I would have opened it if it didn't seem like I was rolling out the red carpet for her."

"But she was sick, Carm. Maybe she thought it was easier to leave that way..."

Carmilla's stare grew fierce and her words came out with venom. "Don't you fucking dare defend her. Don't pull a Laura Hollis and try to see the good in her. Sometimes people are just shitty, Laura. Full stop. Cancer or not, she left us. She left us and never came back."

"But she's writing you-"

"I don't give a fuck!"

Laura flinched at the outburst. "People make mistakes, Carm," she said gently.

"Oh, you'd fucking know, wouldn't you?" Carmilla spat out before her mind could catch it. Laura felt the wind knocked out of her. A straight punch to the gut.

"Wow..."

Carmilla's face fell completely. She took a step forward. "Laura, I didn't-"

"Yes," the soldier interrupted firmly. "Yes, you did." Her posture immediately straightened. That gentle woman from seconds ago was replaced by the disciplined Captain. "You know, when we were younger, I always heard people saying things about you. They'd say these horrible things that were completely not true. And every time, I'd jump in there and tell them to shut up because none of them even knew you. God, for a long time, I barely knew you. And maybe that's it. Maybe I still barely know you. Because believe it or not, you were never this mean."

The brunette then scoffed. "What'd you expect? I lost my dad. I lost Ell. And I lost you. I'm fucking bitter for a reason."

"You didn't lose me!"

"Then where the fuck have you been for the past nine years?!" Silence fell between them. Carmilla's rage flowed freely now. "And let's be honest: you had no intention of ever coming back."

Laura's mouth was dry. She tried to clear her throat to help her speak, but it was proving difficult. Her body shaking as well. "You're right. I didn't. But if you think for one second that I never thought about you, you'd be dead wrong," she spat out with a trembling jaw.

"Great. So I was yet another ghost to haunt you. Fan-tastic."

"You were the one that kept me alive!" This time, it was Carmilla's expression that faltered. Laura took a deep breath to steady herself. She brought her hands up to run them through her hair in aggravation. "There were so many nights when I had to sleep while others were fighting in the distance. I heard the bombs, the gunfire; death was all over the damn place! I'd close my eyes and I'd still see death. I'd see fallen comrades. I'd see my mom motionless on the floor of my study. Sometimes I'd even see myself... But somehow, when I kept my eyes closed long enough, there you were." She let a weak chuckle fall from her mouth. "Smirking at me and telling me how I'm too stubborn to give up."

The soldier swallowed the blockage forming in her throat. "I was tortured for hours and lost consciousness multiple times. And every time I passed out, my mind brought me straight to you. You were just a teenager, sitting on that old rickety bench by the duck pond. You played softly on the guitar and would look up at me with such a tender smile; a smile I knew you never gave out freely. But you sat there... smiling right at me. As if there was no one else in the world."

"To me, there never was anyone else," Carmilla whispered.

Laura's heart throbbed in her chest. They were words she always wanted to hear...

But why did it hurt so much?

"You're right, Carm. I've made mistakes. And I'm paying for them. I didn't choose to come back here. It wasn't my plan. But things happen. And now I'm here despite trying to stay away. Yes, Ell left too. But she reached out to you. She went out of her way to find you. I never did that. I ran away and was forced to look back. Hell, sometimes I still feel like I'm running! How can you give me a chance and not her?"

"Because you're the one that got away! Not her!" Carmilla admitted with a slight crack in her voice. She took a breath to calm herself as she ran a hand down her face. "I loved Ell. I was going to spend the rest of my life with her. But when it comes to you? There's no fucking contest."

The soldier felt her sturdy shoulders fall. "Why?" she barely whispered.

"Because," Carmilla started with a shrug and a sad smile across her lips. "You're perfect."

Laura's eyes began to water. She let out a single chuckle. "But I thought I made mistakes..."

"You have... But to me, you've always been perfect."

"I don't think you understand the definition, Carm. Perfection doesn't have flaws. There aren't mistakes."

The brunette took a step closer with her hands in her pockets. "I've always felt that perfection went hand-in-hand with perspective." She tilted her head to the side with a gentle smile. "Your so-called flaws make you different from everyone else." She gave another lazy shrug. "You're my definition of perfect."  

The soldier closed her eyes tightly and furrowed her brows. She began to shake her head. "You can't just say things like that."

"Why not?" Carmilla asked softly as she took another step closer.

"Because we're fighting, and I can't focus when you start saying things like- like-" she opened her eyes and saw Carmilla standing directly in front of her. Those dark eyes pierced right through her. 

"I don't want to fight," the brunette breathed out.

"We've always done this, Carm. We fight. This isn't really something out of our norm."

"Yeah, and kissing you was never our norm, but I've been doing a lot of that."

Laura frowned. "Don't you at least want closure with Ell?"

"Damn it, Laura. Can you just drop it?" Carmilla countered in exhausted annoyance.

"At least think about it. It clearly still bothers you. Don't you want to be able to live without all that weight?" the soldier asked with hope. If Laura had an opportunity like this, she would gladly take it. The burdens she's held on her shoulders have been strategically balanced for so long. Her shoulders were never big enough to begin with.

The brunette matched her stare for a few seconds before huffing out a breath. "I'll think about it." Laura gave a few nods before Carmilla lifted her hand to hold the blonde's chin between her fingers. "I'm sorry."

"You don't have to-"

"No, I do," she said sternly. "I was angry and I was taking it out on you."

"You only said the truth."

"It was mean," she replied. She shook her head. "I don't want to be mean."

Laura placed her hands on the brunette's hips. "I know I said that, but you're not mean. You're hurt. There's a difference."

Carmilla's hand fell to Laura's shoulder as the other came up to tuck strands of blonde hair behind the soldier's ear. "I don't want to be hurt either."

The blonde gave her a sad smile and a gentle squeeze on her hips. "Neither do I."

Carmilla leaned in to rest her forehead against Laura's. 

"I used to hate it when you called me perfect," the soldier admitted. Carmilla's lips curved upward as they continued to lean against one another.

"I know. You used to hate a lot of things about me."

"I still do."

"Hey!" the brunette exclaimed, pulling away to stare at the giggling woman in front of her. Her honey eyes watched as Carmilla's expression softened.

"You know, you didn't have to lie to me. You could have told me the truth about Ell. I wouldn't have judged you," Laura began as she let her fingertips trace the skin above the waistband of Carmilla's pants.

The cafe owner sighed. "It wasn't about that. No one brings up Ell. Everyone pretends like she never existed because of how angry I get about her. I didn't lie for you. I did it for me. Sometimes it's easier to pretend. Sometimes it allows you to keep going when you don't think you can."

Laura let her words soak in. Was that true? Was that an option? She never believed in 'ignorance is bliss'. It was never in her nature to live in the dark. Laura needed truths. She needed facts and reasons. They always led her back to somewhere safe and secure. But the way she's felt throughout everything? She already knew the facts and justifications. And that wasn't fixing anything. Remembering those facts, remembering those reasons; it pushed her further into the path of the scorching sun, burning her more and more as time went by.

Maybe she was allowed to live in the dark for once; to ignore the glaringly obvious reasons for her distress. Maybe getting lost on purpose was the only way for her to find her way back again. Maybe she needed to forget for a bit in order to let go; in order to forgive herself and live again.

The soldier's eyes stared absently into the distance. "Pretending... Does it really work?" she asked quietly.

"For some things. I wouldn't say it's the best solution," Carmilla answered before reaching up and holding Laura's chin again. Their eyes locked. "But having you around has made everything a lot easier."

"How?" she asked weakly with furrowed brows.

"Well for one, I've got another babysitter out of this," she grinned, earning a playful shove from the soldier. Carmilla then pulled the blonde in, wrapping her arms around her.

"Am I Livie's babysitter, or yours?" Laura jabbed.

"Ha ha. Funny, Hollis. Although I do like the idea of you looking after me," she smirked.

"As if I don't already."

Carmilla gave a single chuckle. "I suppose you're right." She let out a sigh. "Despite how much of a pain in the ass you are, you actually make me happy," she confessed in a monotone.

"Oh really?" Laura asked with a smile growing across her lips.

"I know, right? It's insane."

The soldier glared with her smile still present. "You're an asshole," she commented before pulling the brunette into a kiss. Carmilla couldn't contain her smirk against Laura's lips. They pulled apart. "You kinda make me happy too," the blonde admitted.

"That's it? Only 'kinda'?"

She shrugged. "Could be better."

Carmilla's mouth fell open as if she was actually offended. "And how exactly?"

"You could be my girlfriend."

The brunette stared back into playful honey eyes. Then, Carmilla released her signature smirk. "You wanna date a mom?"

Laura raised an eyebrow before grinning. "Yep. I only like you for your kid anyway."

The cafe owner let out a sigh before tightening her grip around the blonde. "Makes sense. She's much cooler than me."

"Wow. Did you just admit to someone being cooler than you?"

Carmilla chuckled as she leaned in to peck Laura on the lips. "Yeah. I did."

"The world's ending."

"Oh shush!" she demanded as she locked lips with her again. The door knocked before it slowly pushed open. 

"Kitty?" a hesitant voice came from the door. The two women turned to look at the intruder without moving. Mattie's head peeked in, sighing when she saw them fully clothed. "I called you five times!" she exclaimed as she pushed the door open. Livie came flying through the door toward her mother. Carmilla pulled away from Laura to kneel down for her daughter's embrace.

"Mommy! Look what Aunt Mattie got me!" She pulled out of her mother's arms and twirled around; showing off her new pea coat.

"Well wasn't that nice of her," Carmilla said with a warning tone as she locked eyes with her sister.

"I've seen some of the things mother has bought her. I can't have my niece being anything but stylish," she defended nonchalantly. The brunette rolled her eyes before looking back down at Livie. "You look great, kiddo."

The little girl beamed. Then, she turned to look at the kitchen. "Uh, you guys didn't really get much cleaning done, huh?" 

"Uh," Carmilla began before looking up at Laura, whose cheeks were turning red. The brunette's eyes then moved back to Livie, only to find Mattie grinning in the background. "Laura and I ended up falling asleep."

"I'm sure you were both so tired," Mattie commented with a chuckle. Carmilla glared. "Well, I should be going," she announced as she turned toward the door. "Oh, Hollis," she added, turning back toward them. "You're looking for a job, correct?"

"Uh, yeah?"

"The newspaper is hiring. Wasn't that your thing back in the day?" Mattie questioned with a raised brow.

The surprise was evident on Laura's face. Mattie was actually being considerate to her. "Yeah, it was."

"I know some people. I'll put in a good word for you," she said with a smirk before raising her hand to wiggle her fingers in a wave. "Ta!" 

They watched as she closed the door behind her. Laura stared at the door with wide eyes. "Did she just-"

"She did something nice for you," the brunette finished with just as much shock.

Livie was in the kitchen now eating a cupcake. Carmilla was standing next to Laura, who looked at her expectantly. "You never answered my question."

Carmilla held back a smile. "You never actually asked me anything."

The blonde rolled her eyes. "Seriously?"

"Hey, Liv," Carmilla called over her shoulder. "Laura wants me to be her girlfriend. What do you think about that?"

Livie's mouth was stuffed with the dessert. Frosting was smeared across her cheek. "I thought you already were. I told my friends, Tommy and Lindsey, you were."

Carmilla looked at her in amusement before turning back to the soldier. "Well if Tommy and Lindsey already think so, we can't make Liv a liar," she smirked.

Laura grinned. "It's settled then," she said matter-of-factly. She leaned in and kissed Carmilla's cheek, leaving her lips to slide toward her ear. "You're mine," she whispered; her warm breath hitting Carmilla's skin.

The brunette felt a shiver run straight up her spine as she watched the soldier strut into the kitchen and begin peeling a sleeve off of a cupcake. She locked eyes with Carmilla. "You might wanna get started on this mess, Carm," she gestured toward the kitchen as she took a bite.

Livie giggled. "Yeah, Carm. It's not gonna clean itself," she added; frosting somehow on her forehead as well now. Laura turned with a grin, and wiped off most of the frosting on her forehead with her thumb.

The brunette took a deep breath before walking toward them. She ignored the way her heart melted from the sight of Laura trying to clean her daughter's messy face. "You two are evil." She bent down to pick up baking utensils that were thrown on the floor.

"Carmilla Karnstein is actually cleaning up a mess when told to. My mind is blown right now," Laura teased as she held half a cupcake. 

She placed the utensils in the sink and turned to glare at the blonde. "It's not like I have much of a choice. You two are just standing around stuffing your faces."

Laura stepped in front of the brunette with a mischievous grin. "I think you do have another choice." Livie looked between them both with wide eyes. She held the half eaten cupcake up in front of Carmilla's face. The brunette raised a brow at her. And then, the frosted cupcake came crashing into her face.

Livie giggled wildly as Laura took a step backwards wearing a satisfied smile. Carmilla stood too shocked to move. The cupcake fell from her face to the floor; frosting smeared across nose and cheek.

"What's wrong? Afraid things will get too messy?" Laura mocked as she crossed her arms over her chest.

"I'm not scared," Carmilla answered back as she wiped some frosting off of her face. 

"Prove it," Laura challenged.

A moment passed without movement. And then, Carmilla lunged for her; Laura making a run for it. Carmilla scooped Livie up in one arm, who shrieked in response, as she continued to chase after her girlfriend.