Friends
Carmilla had been watching the blonde in the corner all morning and afternoon. Livie sat with her until Will's shift ended. He took her to see her grandmother, which would lead to Livie coming home in a completely different outfit because according to Lilita, Carmilla doesn't dress her daughter elegantly enough. The brunette rolled her eyes at the thought. The six year old liked wearing cat apparel. Who was Carmilla to deny her daughter that? The dresses and frills all came from grandma. Livie occasionally liked the outfits her grandmother would dress her up in, but sometimes she returned to the cafe standing like a Barbie doll; all stiff and straight and all kinds of uncomfortable.
But Laura was still sitting in that corner after all the hustle and bustle calmed down. She sat with a notebook and pencil, lost in her own world. Then at one point, Laura had gotten up and grabbed a book from the other side of the building. It was about four o'clock now and the cafe was empty, aside from the soldier. Carmilla didn't get it. Why was she still there? She was surprised Laura didn't jump up and run when the big reveal happened. Carmilla almost yelled surprise when Livie called her 'mommy' in front of Laura. The look on the blonde's face was too priceless. But Laura was still sitting there as if waiting for something.
Perry had come out from the kitchen to sit with Laura for awhile and catch up. They had hugged immediately when they saw each other. Carmilla was shamefully envious. Her relationship with Laura wasn't carefree. It wasn't simple and happy-go-lucky. A hug was too intimate for them. And Carmilla knew if she hugged Laura, she would never let go. So it was best to keep a few feet between them at all times.
The shop owner was doing anything she could think of to stay busy. Talking to Laura meant having to catch her up on Livie, because of course, she's Laura Hollis; she's going to ask almost immediately. And answering that would get her into taboo topics. So she hoped to avoid her by doing mundane tasks until the blonde left. She actually dusted the bookshelves. She remembers doing that maybe once before? Perry usually does it; Carmilla knowing the ginger gets off on it. But even after dusting, Laura never left.
So finally, after taking a long, deep breath, Carmilla made her way over to the occupied table. She crossed her arms over her chest as her eyes roamed over the book cover. "Out of all the books, you had to choose the trashy romance novel?"
Laura looked up from the paperback. "It's weirdly entertaining," Laura admitted with a chuckle. "But I'm more curious as to how you ended up getting it," she said as she waved the book in the air. "I didn't think this was your type," she teased. The soldier remembered Carmilla's reading habits. She basically brought a book everywhere she went, and never once did she see one of those scandalous, obnoxious book covers held in the brunette's hands.
"And what exactly is my type?" she asked with an arched brow and mischievous smirk.
"The boring philosophical type."
"Okay, implying that Nietzsche is anything but genius is breaking the number one rule of this cafe."
"Not 'No shirt. No shoes. No Service'?"
Carmilla's smirk stayed strong. "Who am I to deny gorgeous topless women service?"
"Who said anything about gorgeous topless women?"
"Oh... Were you not aware that in order to read a book here, you're supposed take your shirt off?"
Laura let out a laugh. "I wasn't aware Hooters sponsored bookstores now."
Carmilla brought her index finger up to her lips. "Shh! Don't give them any ideas! I'm copyrighting this right now."
Laura shook her head with a chuckle. "So what made you order this smutty beach book?"
The brunette shrugged. "Some people actually enjoy reading that genre. I acknowledge that, but it doesn't mean I'm not going to judge them."
"So you're judging me?" the blonde asked with amusement.
"Always, cupcake." Their eyes danced back and forth between the other's as a silence fell between them. Carmilla was the first to break eye contact, clearing her throat in the process. "So, uh, how's it feel being back?"
Laura let out a breath; puffing her cheeks as she did. She placed the book completely down on the table. "Its... complicated," she answered with a single chuckle.
Carmilla raised a brow. "How so?"
Laura leaned back completely in her chair, her shoulders sagging. "The best way for me to describe it is... Its like deja vu. Like I've lived this life before, which I mean, I have, but its... different. Its almost dream-like. I've walked these streets before. In my head, I could walk home from here wearing a blindfold and get there just fine; avoiding all the tree stumps and potholes. But everything just feels... foggy. Like maybe I'm wrong about remembering every sidewalk and lamp post. Maybe the sidewalk will turn right and not left like I thought."
Laura leaned forward again and rested her jaw in her palms, propped up by her elbows. She stared absently in front of her with furrowed brows. "I used to belong here. This place was a part of me."
"Oh come on. This place is your childhood. It'll always be a part of you," Carmilla debated, but Laura shook her head; her honey eyes meeting dark brown again.
"I lost that part of me somewhere along the way." Her voice was soft and forlorn. Carmilla couldn't argue that. She already knew something was missing from the soldier's eyes. She saw it that first night Laura returned.
"Is that why you haven't left your house?"
Laura's eyes grew wide. "How'd you know?"
Carmilla let a small smile appear on her lips as she rolled her eyes. "I didn't. People have been saying they haven't seen you around town. Which means you holed yourself up in that house because that's what you used to do when you wanted to avoid a problem."
"Did not!"
"Um, how about the time Danny found out you had a crush on her and you pretended to be sick for a week?"
"The flu was going around that week!"
"Or that time your bikini top embarrassingly fell off in the lake?"
"It was like fifty degrees out. The water was freezing and I almost got pneumonia!"
"Or that time you drunkenly stole the baby Jesus from the manger?"
Laura glared. "That wasn't even me. I just happened to be there when a certain broody brunette thought it would be hilarious to make the sheep look like they were having sex."
"Innocent bystander and you still hid in your house for a few days," Carmilla grinned.
"My dad still brings up the Mysterious Manger Meddler."
"Ah, Sheriff Hollis keeps close watch on the display every year. We definitely left him paranoid," Carmilla chuckled.
"You left him paranoid," Laura corrected. The brunette rolled her eyes.
"Laura Hollis; always a stickler for rules and regulations."
The blonde sighed. "Guess its a good thing I became a soldier then, huh?"
Carmilla frowned. Was it a good thing? The brunette clenched a fist without Laura noticing. After everything? After your mother? And now that you have that lost look in your eyes? Laura began to stand, reaching into her pocket to leave money.
"I swear to God, cupcake, if you leave money on that table, I will tell your father you're the Magical Manger Monster."
"Mysterious Manger Meddler-"
"Put it away," she said pointedly.
Laura frowned. "I have to start paying for my meals at some point. And if you're gonna keep refusing to give me a bill, I'm leaving a ridiculous tip."
"A tip?" Carmilla mocked. "This is that prostitute conversation all over again."
"You didn't keep me company the entire time. In fact, I think you were avoiding me," Laura stated with a gentle smile.
The brunette's eyes widened, her mouth falling open for half a second before recovering quickly. "Wow. Someone's full of herself... Why would I want to avoid you? Believe it or not, I run a business, Cap."
Laura ignored her snark. "I'm aware. But the cafe has been empty for two hours, you keep letting out one of those bored, heavy sighs, and I've watched you dust the bookshelves twice."
Carmilla's eyebrow rose. Ever the observant detective. "You've been watching me, huh? Then maybe I should charge you for the show," she finished with her smirk.
"I didn't see any gorgeous topless women, so I'd say the show could have been better," Laura retorted with a sly smile. Carmilla felt her heart pick up the pace. Her grin took over.
"All you had to do was ask, cupcake." Laura stared into those dark, curious eyes and felt that familiar heat build within her. She remembered this feeling. It was specifically only for Carmilla. But again, the heat felt more like deja vu. Foggy.
She needed to change the subject. "So... Livie, huh?"
And bingo. There it was. Carmilla was surprised it took Laura this long to get to it. "Sorry if she was bothering you earlier. She's too friendly for her own good," the brunette apologized with a smile, thinking about her little monster.
"No, its fine. She's adorable. If she didn't look like your clone, I would have never thought she was your daughter. She's so happy."
Carmilla frowned. "What's that supposed to mean?"
Laura looked at her incredulously. "Seriously? You've been a broody, grumpy teenager since you were five years old."
"That's because you always followed me around."
The blonde rolled her eyes. "Yeah, thank goodness I grew out of that. Trying to be your friend was like pulling teeth."
The brunette stared evenly at Laura. She was searching those lost eyes again. "You seriously never thought we were friends?"
Laura laughed. "Carm, I don't know what we were," the blonde started. The shop owner felt those familiar butterflies in her stomach from the nickname. Family called her that occasionally, but for however long she could remember, Laura used it as well. "But it was way too complicated to be classified as friends."
The soldier was being honest. Her relationship with Carmilla was always so unique. It wasn't like any of the women she had been with romantically. It wasn't like her friendships with the others; Kirsch, LaFontaine, fellow soldiers, etc. This woman was always different. Her attitude, her looks, her gravity; it was unlike anyone else. Always pulling her in.
No. The brunette wasn't her friend. She was her Carmilla. Indescribable and irreplaceable.
"So I guess 'friends' is never in the cards for us, huh?" the brunette asked with a tilt of her head. She didn't really know how to feel about the topic.
"Would you want it to be?" Laura asked innocently.
Carmilla let a small smile hint on her lips. "You've always been a cupcake. Why change it now?" Making a big deal out of this wouldn't be worth it. Keep it calm and playful.
The brunette's body relaxed when the blonde's honey eyes shined back at her in response. Her cheeks pinked slightly. Carmilla didn't know why she asked if they were ever friends. Maybe it was because she questioned whether Laura ever cared for her. She questioned if Laura hated her. But seeing her eyes light up when Carmilla spoke, it didn't matter what the answer was.
"So are you gonna tell me about Livie or..."
The brunette raised a brow. "Her favorite color is purple. She loves panthers. She can eat an obnoxious amount of sweets; probably enough to give you a run for your money-"
"Carmilla, that's not what I mea-"
"I know what you meant," she interrupted. She took an incredibly long, deep breath. "Long story short, I fell in love, she got cancer, she beat the cancer, we got married, we wanted a kid, her cancer came back when I was three months pregnant, the cancer took her when I was at eight months."
Laura's mouth hung ajar. Her eyes had somehow managed to water in that short amount of time. Carmilla didn't even understand how the woman registered it all so fast. Her jaw clenched at the inevitable pity and tears. But Laura just closed her eyes tightly, brows furrowed as she took a few quiet breaths. Then, when she opened her eyes again, the water was gone. It was a remarkably steady gaze. A stare that looked almost engraved into her. It wasn't pity. Carmilla thought perhaps it was understanding.
"What was her name?" she asked gently.
The weight on her chest grew heavier. She rarely ever said her name. "Ell," she whispered.
Laura nodded a few times silently. The blonde didn't have any words to give her. Laura knew what loss felt like too well. Apologies meant nothing to her. She preferred silence as a response. So that's all she gave her.
"Do you still play the guitar?" Laura asked suddenly, surprising Carmilla at the change of subject. The brunette appreciated the shift though.
"Occasionally. Not as much as I used to. Why?"
Laura shrugged. She was thinking of the sketch she found in her room; the one of Carmilla playing in the middle of town. "I've been drawing a bit since I've been back and I remembered you playing nearby a lot whenever I was doodling away."
Carmilla let a slight smile appear. "You never let me see anything you drew. Could have been stick figures for all I know."
"I never showed you because I knew you'd make fun of me."
The brunette suddenly frowned. She sighed heavily before reaching over the counter with an extended stretch, grabbing her coat. "You know," Carmilla began as she pulled on her coat. "For someone always so smart, you never really understood me," she finished with eyes so powerful, Laura felt the wind get knocked out of her. Before the blonde could question her, she spoke again.
"J.P.! I'm leaving! You're running the show now!" Laura heard a muffled response, which Carmilla didn't wait to decipher. She walked toward the door and turned back to the solider.
"Take it easy, Cap," she said stoically before leaving the building.
Laura stood there bewildered. She didn't understand what happened. All of a sudden, Carmilla was upset. And apparently it was because of what Laura said. How didn't she understand Carmilla? What exactly was she missing? She thought she knew her pretty damn well. Carmilla knew more about Laura than Danny or Laf ever did. There was a rawness she only ever showed to the brunette. Was that rawness only one-sided? That didn't seem right. Carmilla had come to her during dark times. Dealing with her father's death when she was a young teen was hard. She broke down and Laura was there to help pick her up. Through the yelling, tears, insults, and constant rejection, Laura was there for Carmilla. Because she knew the brunette needed someone; and for Carmilla to feel anything at all was better than her sitting alone and wasting away as numb as multiple medications could make you.
They were each other's safety net. Only there for the other, one hundred percent, when they failed to pull the parachute cord. Their connection hidden under the surface; like how the safety net for action scenes are invisible for the audience.
Laura left the cafe shortly after Carmilla. She bundled up and started heading home; staring at the sidewalk as she journeyed.
"Laura?" a voice caught her off guard, bringing her gaze back up.
"Laf?"
The ginger grinned before rushing forward and enveloping her into a hug. "I've been wanting to see you so badly! But Perr told me to give you some space and let you settle in." They pulled away to get a better look at the soldier. They didn't notice how stiff Laura was from the sudden contact. It was instinct now. Her reflex was to resist when people got to close to her. Being that close reminded her of the scars on her body; the scars that rip open in her dreams.
"Yeah," Laura managed to pull herself together. "Just trying to take things one step at a time," she offered the ginger a slight smile. "Where are you off to?"
"Ah, picking up the missus."
Laura let her smile bloom. "Yeah, Perry told me about it all earlier. Congratulations. I'm so happy for you guys."
Laf grinned. "Thanks. Wish you could have been there, but I understand. Duty called."
Laura felt a heaviness on her heart. She was vaguely away of the wedding. She didn't keep up with the news though. After hearing about their announcement, the soldier immediately knew she wouldn't be there. Visiting Silas was never part of her plans. Laura had meant to leave the town forever. It was too much of a reminder of what could have been. Her life could have been so different. If it wasn't for the military; if it wasn't for her mother experiencing hell on foreign soil; if it wasn't for her mother's inability to maintain the gruesome nightmares; maybe Laura's life could have turned out differently. Instead, Laura went out into that world her mother left behind. And she came back with the gruesome nightmares that her mother was never able to escape.
Duty didn't call to Laura like Laf thought. Laura ran to it without a single invitation. She didn't want to come back to Silas to see how different she had become. She didn't want to see the beaten woman that remained after years of loss and sacrifice. So she stayed distant. Only talking to her father here and there.
But now she was back. And she had to face those faces of her past and deal with the expressions that danced across their features. Some showed disappointment. Some showed pity. Some showed bitterness. Laura Hollis, the girl that ran away to prove something, never planning to return. But she did return, and she ended up proving nothing.
"Hey, I really gotta go. We're gonna be late for dinner with my folks, but I really wanna catch up soon. Yeah?"
Laura gave a single nod and a forced smile. "Yeah. I'll let you know."
The ginger grinned once again. "Its great to have you back, Hollis," they said placing a hand on her shoulder as they passed her on the sidewalk toward the cafe.
The soldier let her breathing take control. She had been trying to keep her composure, but she felt a panic attack coming on. She was beginning to hyperventilate. Quickly, she walked around the corner of the street and leaned against the building. Her head tilted up toward the sky as her eyes shut and she focused on taking slow deep breaths.
Blood. Screaming. Choking. Gurgling.
The blonde shook her head to rid herself from the images and sounds.
The taste of copper. Coughing and spitting.
Her hands rose to hold her head harshly as she shook it back and forth.
"Captain! Please!"
"Captain!"
The calls from fellow soldiers echoing in her skull were pushing her over the edge.
"Laura?"
Her eyes immediately shot open. She forced a swallow before raising her head to stare at whoever had spotted her.
"You okay?" he added with worry painting his face.
Laura's breathing was erratic. "Uh, yeah. Just taking a breather. What are you doin' here, Kirsch?"
He was leaning over the passenger seat of the police cruiser to talk to her through the window. "Picking up burgers for me and the other officers."
"My dad still working?"
"Yep. You want a ride home? I just gotta pick up the food first."
Laura let an unconvincing smile appear on her lips. "No thanks, Kirsch. I could use the walk. I gotta get going, but I'll see you soon. Laf wants to catch up, so I'll let you know when that's happening."
Her grinned that same goofy smile she remembered. "Sounds great, little hottie."
Laura scoffed. "Does anyone ever let nicknames go?"
He laughed. "Don't worry. Can't be calling you that anymore. Danny would fillet me."
The blonde's eyebrows rose toward her hairline. "And why is that?"
She thought she could see his cheeks turning red. "Uh, we're kinda together now."
Laura wanted to laugh. "Wait, is this recent?"
"Kinda."
"Jesus. It took you guys over ten years to get over yourselves?" She shook her head in disbelief. The two were bound to get together during the last two years of high school. She couldn't believe it was apparently only recently that they did something about it.
"Hey, you're one to talk!" he argued, feeling self-conscious.
"What is that supposed to me?" she asked with furrowed brows, finally leaning away from the building and finding her strength again.
He rolled his eyes and shook his head with a laugh. "Nevermind, Hollis. Nevermind. I'll see you later," he finished with a wave before driving off.
As poor timing as that reunion was, it helped distract her from her memories. With a roll of her neck along her shoulders, she started walking home again. When she got there, it was quiet. Too quiet. She knew no one was home, but the lack of noise made her uneasy. She played music loudly and tried to sketch. But she was anxious. She couldn't sit still for long.
The house was growing cold, so she went to go start a fire, but stopped. Staring at the remaining firewood available, a thought came to her. Maybe doing something more active would help calm her.
Laura went out back, trudging through the snow toward the shed. When she entered, she picked up the ax hung up on the wall, and headed toward the pile of logs. The best way to get out aggression and stress was to get your heart pumping. So Laura decided to get ahead and chop enough firewood to last the winter.
The more she chopped, the more rage built up. Her teeth clenched together, her eyes watering as she began to let out grunts when the blade made contact. The crack of the logs resonated through her body. She hacked away harder, and harder, until she was left completely out of breath and whimpering. The ax fell limply from her hand as she stepped backwards from the pile of firewood. She wiped at the sweat on her forehead with the back of her hand, weakly pulling herself away from the shed.
The rush of adrenaline helped, but it wasn't enough. It was too aggressive. Too much of a trigger. So instead, she decided to change her clothes to go for a run. The adrenaline rush would still be there, but the dangerous thoughts would be less likely to penetrate through her mind. She kept her thermal shirt on, but changed into pants that allowed for easier movement.
She stepped out of the front door, put her headphones in, and started running. She had been inactive for a few days now. It wasn't normal. For over a decade, she was always in shape. Her body was slim, but sturdy. Her muscles could easily be seen sliding beneath skin when the view was not obstructed by clothing. Her life always consisted of the idea of never stopping; to keep moving. And now she was stopped completely. She was made immobile in Silas. A whole different kind of nightmare.
Laura ran through the outskirts of town. Her hot breath escaping her mouth at a constant rate. The cold air burned her lungs, but she welcomed it. It was bitter and yet filled her with a strange satisfaction. The prickling of the harsh breeze against her skin increased the sensation.
Her mind was clearer the longer she ran. Dark thoughts were drifting toward the back of her mind again. But then other thoughts were making themselves more present.
"For someone always so smart, you never really understood me."
Carmilla's voice repeated in her head. The rage that was building earlier was returning. That couldn't be true. Carmilla was always a mystery, but she was never a stranger. She was never someone unfamiliar. It infuriated her. She did everything she could to understand the brunette. And she thought she had a pretty good handle on that. But now Carmilla says she knew nothing? That was bullshit; a slap in the face.
And without realizing it, she had run back into town, and was approaching the cafe. She noticed a little girl and two women about to enter the now dark cafe. As she got closer, and the lights turned out, she saw Livie dragging a familiar dark skinned woman into the building. Recognition hit her. The oldest Karnstein sibling; Mattie. Livie had apparently rushed ahead of her mother, pulling her aunt along with her.
But Laura was now running without slowing down, and was too close for any reconsidering to take place. She came to a hard stop as Carmilla reached for the door handle to enter her establishment.
"Screw you!" she breathed out heavily. Her chest rose up and down urgently.
Carmilla's eyebrows rose dramatically as she stared at the stressed state of the soldier. "Excuse me?"
"I said," she began taking a deep breath to try and steady her breathing. "Screw you."
Carmilla scoffed. "Wow," she shook her head to try to wrap her head around the very confusing situation. "Um, why?"
Laura straightened her posture; her shoulders pulled back and chin raised up into the air. She learned it made her seem taller than usual. "I'm the only one who understood you!"
The was a fire in her honey eyes that Carmilla felt deep in her chest. Laura's words were coarse and grating and it took restraint to avoid flinching.
"Did you run here to tell me that?" the brunette asked, still lost in confusion. She tried to figure out what exactly was going on. Carmilla had just come back from her mother's, with her daughter and sister, after having to sit through gossip regarding the entire town of Silas. She was beyond annoyed and her patience was gone before the soldier made her appearance.
"No!" Laura defended. She shook her head instead of trying to explain why she was there because she honestly didn't know. "You walked out on me all pissy earlier because I apparently upset you, which is ridiculous because I've done nothing but be civil with you since I got back! And of course I can't talk to you for more than five minutes without one of us annoying the other, so why the hell did I even bother?"
Carmilla was standing with her arms crossed over her chest with a lazy expression across her face. "I don't know. Why did you bother?" she asked carelessly.
"Because you're the only thing left that makes sense to me!" she said without fully realizing what she admitted. The fire in her eyes flickered out. Her mouth hung open; not knowing what to say or do next. The worst part was that Carmilla barely reacted to what she said. She just continued to stare at her; reading her like the many books that have passed through her hands.
The brunette took a step closer; her brows furrowed. "You leave for almost ten years, and you think my life makes sense?" She searched honey eyes desperately before shaking her head. "Nothing about my life should make sense to you. You know nothing of what I've been through. Nobody knows what I felt throughout the years. No one."
Laura stared back evenly, refusing to be intimidated. "Yeah... I can see that... Because I see that same exact look in your eyes whenever I look in the mirror."
The air was sucked out of the brunette's lungs immediately. She leaned back to gain some sort of distance. The blonde was looking deep into her; staring almost through her. "I'm not like you," she practically whispered. "Our lives aren't remotely similar."
"Why? Because bullets, blades, and fire can take lives, and cancer can't?"
Carmilla's nostrils flared as the darkness spread through her eyes. "Don't."
"Because you obviously don't go everyday without being reminded of her."
"Laura!" the brunette warned again.
"Or reminded of whatever scars were left in her wake."
"Enough!" Carmilla's hands were shaking, and she clenched her fists to steady herself. "What right... What right do you have... to try and tell me anything about how I feel?" Her voice was slow and restrained before continuing fiercely. "You take off for a decade! Never writing. Never calling. You left after I begged you not to!" Her voice suddenly weakened. "I begged you, Laura!" she exclaimed in disbelief.
"I told you it was something I had to do!"
"And I told you," Carmilla started calmly, her eyes filling with water. "That joining wouldn't bring back your mother."
Laura felt the lump in her throat making it difficult for her to breathe. She closed her eyes tightly and bowed her head. She refused to cry. She shook her head to rid herself of the feeling before looking back up at Carmilla. The brunette took note of how frail the soldier was now.
"I wasn't trying to bring her back. I was going to protect others- To try and prevent the horrors of war from taking lives way after the battle ended. I wanted to keep my comrades safe for their loved ones," she explained feebly.
"Yeah? Well what about yourself? Did you not care about keeping yourself safe?" Carmilla questioned with a clenched jaw.
"It wasn't about me."
"Bullshit! It was all about you! You didn't want anyone else to go through what you went through when you were younger. So you sacrificed yourself."
"You say that like its a bad thing!"
"I'm saying it because you didn't give a shit about what that did to the people that cared about you!" Carmilla was fuming. She broke eye contact after a few seconds and paced a few steps before running her hand through her hair roughly. "Jesus, Laura," she said, turning back to stare at her. "You're right. We were never friends," she agreed bitterly. "Because a real friend wouldn't have completely vanished. A real friend would have still been there, even if it wasn't in person. You were selfish. And cruel."
Laura couldn't hold back anymore. Tears slid down her cheeks. She sniffed and swallowed in order to speak. "You saw me, Carm. You saw what state I was in... What kind of friend could I have been for you?" she asked without daring to wipe away her tears. She refused to acknowledge them. "I was toxic. I was a bomb counting down to zero. A match hovering over gasoline. A finger on a trigger." She shook her head as she stared into those dark eyes. The lamp posts only lit up half of the brunette's face, casting a shadow on the rest.
"And you think because of that, I shouldn't have cared?" Carmilla asked incredulously. "Why don't you get that that only makes someone care more?"
"It was easier to run."
"And possibly get killed? You joined for the wrong reasons," the cafe owner said confidently. "You made a reckless decision, which ended up bringing you to exactly where you didn't want to be. Doing exactly what you were setting out to prevent."
"If you're trying to tell me I'm even more fucked up than before then you're wasting your time. I already know that!"
"Then what do you want from me?" Carmilla exclaimed desperately. Her heart was aching. Digging up history wasn't her intention, but Laura crossed a boundary. It opened up the gates that the brunette had tried to keep locked for years.
Laura breathed in deeply through her mouth; the cold air carrying away warm breath. "I don't know," she answered softly.
The door suddenly opened as Mattie stuck her head out. "Everything okay out here?" she asked knowingly as her eyes fluttered between the two women.
Carmilla bowed her head, closing her eyes and taking a deep breath before looking at her sister. "Everything's peachy."
"Livie and I are about to start the movie. Do you want us to wait, or...?"
"Go ahead. I'll be up in a minute." Mattie stared at her sister for a moment longer before accepting that it was fine to leave her.
The silence filled the sidewalk as they stood avoiding eye contact. Laura started again, but calmly. "I'm sorry for bringing up your wife-"
"It's fine," Carmilla cut her off bluntly. Talking about that subject was definitely not what this confrontation was about.
The blonde frowned. The words she was preparing to say were fighting against her. She made fists by her sides for encouragement. "I never meant to hurt you."
The brunette scoffed. "Which time?"
Laura cringed before clenching her fists harder. "Every time."
"We were never friends, cupcake. I feel like caring about whether you hurt me or not goes against protocol."
"Stop it!" Laura yelled in defeat. "Just stop," she begged with a shaky voice. Carmilla watched her with curious eyes. "You were more important to me than any friend," she admitted weakly. "And you know that."
The shiver that ran up Carmilla's spine spread goosebumps across her skin. That kind of admission was something she craved for years. Vague, yes, but more meaningful than anything the blonde had ever said. But it didn't matter as much as she dreamt it would. It was different now. "Apparently I wasn't important enough," she whispered back as water filled her eyes again. Carmilla turned and walked to the door.
She bowed her head, staring at the handle in her grasp. "Its freezing out. Go home," she said gently before opening the door and leaving Laura alone on the empty sidewalk.
Carmilla turned to lock the door before she made her way toward the back of the cafe, turning off the lights from there. She slowly made her way up the stairs to her apartment, hearing the beginning of the movie starting through the walls as she approached. Opening the door and closing it behind her quietly, she stood and watched her daughter curled up against her older sibling. Her eyes shined at the screen. The innocence was so intoxicating. Carmilla wanted that. She wanted to be able to believe so easily; to hope without cause of doubt; to love without fear of pain. How long could she shield her little girl from the world?
"Mommy!" Livie yelled when she noticed her lurking. She waved her over to the couch and patted the cushion on the other side of her. Carmilla made her way over and sat down beside her; letting her dark eyes continue to stare at the cheerful child, who was focused on the movie again.
How long could she protect her daughter from ever feeling an ache like the one in her chest?