Chapter 9
Octavia could tell that Lexa wasn’t comfortable travelling in the Rover, the Commanders hands gripped the edge of the seat to the point where her knuckles were turning white, she could understand why as well. Raven’s driving wasn’t the greatest, but she knew that wasn’t why Lexa was having issues, she’d probably never been in any kind of vehicle before.
“So what happens now, Commander?” Octavia asked.
“That is going to depend on what is waiting for us in Polis.” Lexa replied.
“We’ll get there before Nia, right?” Octavia said, noticing the way that Clarke tensed up a little in her seat.
“We should.” Lexa said with a nod, “she has half a day on us, but she is travelling by horse, if Raven can get us to the outskirts of the city without crashing into a tree…”
“Hey,” Raven said from the driver’s seat, as she heard Clarke laugh a little, “I’m a better driver than you are.”
“That would not be difficult, Raven,” Lexa replied, “as this is the first time I have been in a motorized vehicle.”
“You can always take a shot at driving in you want, Commander.” Raven said.
“I do not believe that would be wise.” Lexa said with a small shake of her head.
“It could be funny though.” Clarke said, a small smile tugging at her lips as Lexa looked at her, “oh, come on, the great Commander Lexa, there has to be something that you’re no good at.”
“I’m sure, with practice, I could become quite proficient.” Lexa said as she looked at the blonde, “do you believe differently?”
“If there’s one thing I’ve learned in the short time I have known you, it’s that I shouldn’t underestimate what you’re capable of when you put your mind to something,” Clarke replied, “though watching you practice driving would probably be the funniest thing I’ve seen in a long time.”
Lexa glanced at Ryder who was sitting towards the back of the Rover on the opposite side to where she was sitting with Clarke, he didn’t look very entertained.
“Someone isn’t amused.” Clarke said quietly as she looked at Lexa.
“Is something bothering you, Ryder?” Lexa said as she looked from Clarke to Ryder.
“I find myself regretting eating breakfast, Heda.” He replied.
“You might feel better if you sit up front with Raven.” Octavia said.
“I am not…” He started to say.
“The first time Monty sat in the back of here, he was sick,” Octavia said interrupting him, “most people feel sick their first time. Abby said it’s something to do with the movement and the fact that you’re not facing forwards.”
“That makes sense.” Clarke said with a nod, “Raven, can you stop so Ryder can sit up front with you?”
“Feeling a little green, Grounder man?” Raven asked with a smirk as she pulled the Rover to a stop.
As Ryder got out of the backdoor of the Rover, Lexa furrowed her brow a little, confused at Raven’s choice of words.
“What’s the matter?” Clarke asked, looking at Lexa.
“I do not understand,” Lexa replied, “how could Ryder be feeling green, green is a colour, not a feeling.”
“Feeling green means feeling sick,” Clarke explained, “when someone is feeling sick they lose the colour in their face, sometimes people can start to look slightly green.”
Lexa thought about what Clarke had said and then nodded slightly.
As Raven started the Rover again, Clarke got to thinking about a few things, the warriors that Lexa had left at Arkadia, and the people still in Tondc.
“What’s going to happen to Ontari?” Clarke asked.
“Who’s Ontari?” Octavia asked in reply, looking between Clarke and Lexa.
“She’s…” Clarke started to say, feeling Lexa look at her, “Azgeda, she came to Tondc to tell us that Nia knew I was lying about Lexa being in Tondc…”
“Why would you lie about that?” Octavia asked.
“Because she didn’t need to know.” Clarke replied.
“What happened to you when you were with the Ice Nation, Clarke?” the younger girl asked.
“I’d rather not talk about it.” Clarke said, shaking her head as she looked down at her hands.
“You told us that we could trust Nia to help us,” Octavia said, “you told us…”
“I know,” Clarke said, snapping her head up and looking at Octavia, “I know, okay. I made a mistake.”
“Indra is…” Octavia started to say.
“Enough,” Lexa said, looking between them, “this is not helping anyone.”
“Of course you’d take her side.” Octavia muttered, shaking her head a little.
“I am not taking anybody’s side,” Lexa replied with a sigh, “I understand that you’re upset, Octavia, I understand that you’re concerned about Indra, but fighting with Clarke is not going to change anything.”
Octavia rolled her eyes and sighed a little before she nodded her head.
“Nia’s main intention was not to help your people,” Lexa said, “Nia is not the type of person who would ever do anything unless she benefited from it. She offered to help your people, knowing that it would give her an opportunity to take a step closer to her overall goal.”
“Which is what?” Octavia asked.
“My death.” Lexa replied with a small smile, “she wanted me on that battlefield, she wanted me leading my warriors. I believe it was her intention for me to die today, then she would use my death to take over the coalition and possibly blame Skaikru for my death.”
“Well doesn’t she sound like a real peach…” Raven said, having listened to the conversation while she was driving.
“Why would you go along with that?” Octavia asked as she looked at Clarke, “I mean, I know that there’s no love lost between you two but why would you do something that you knew would lead to Lexa’s… sorry, the Commander’s death?”
“I had no choice.” Clarke replied.
“You always have a choice, Clarke.” Octavia said.
Clarke didn’t say anything, she just moved forward on the seat and started to undo her jacket, taking it off she held her arms out to Octavia.
“Does that look like I had a choice to you?” she said.
Octavia didn’t reply, she clenched her jaw as she looked from the marks on Clarke’s arms to Lexa, who was also clenching her jaw and attempting to keep herself calm.
“Do you want to see the marks on my back to?” the blonde said.
“Clarke…” Octavia said.
“Raven, stop the Rover.” Clarke said as she put her jacket back on.
“We need to…” Lexa started to say.
“Stop the Rover.” Clarke repeated.
Raven glanced back at Lexa, who nodded a little, before she stopped the Rover. Clarke climbed out of the back of the Rover, leaving the door open as she walked away to the tree line before putting her hands on her knees and throwing up what she had managed to eat that day.
“They tortured her…” Octavia said quietly.
“Yes.” Lexa replied with a nod, “from what Ontari told me, it went on for weeks, day and night.”
“Shit.” Octavia said before moving to stand up.
“I’ll go.” Lexa said, “her anger should not be aimed at you.”
“It shouldn’t be aimed at you either.” The younger girl replied.
“It should,” Lexa said, “was it not my fault that she left your people to start with.”
Octavia sat back down as Lexa got out of the back of the Rover and walked over to where Clarke was.
x-x-x-x-x-x
Clarke’s body was still trying to make her throw up, though she had nothing left in her stomach. She jumped slightly as she felt a hand softly rubbing her back.
“Breathe, Clarke.” Lexa said.
“I…” Clarke started to say.
“Breathe.” Lexa repeated.
Clarke wiped her mouth on her sleeve as she stood up a little straighter, Lexa didn’t move her hand from the blondes lower back as Clarke took a few deep breathes.
“I am such a mess…” Clarke said, shaking her head a little.
“You are not a mess, Clarke,” Lexa said calmly, “you need time to heal. Healing physical wounds takes less time than healing emotional ones.”
“Why do you care?” the blonde asked as she turned her head and looked at Lexa.
“You know why, Clarke.” Lexa replied.
In that moment Lexa’s Commander mask was nowhere to be seen, and all the answers that Clarke needed were plain to see in her eyes. The intensity of Lexa’s eyes made the breath catch in Clarke’s throat.
“What if I’m not strong enough to get through this?” Clarke asked, blinking as tears started to fall from her eyes, “I agreed to something that nearly cost you your life, Lexa, I…”
“Nia’s plan failed, Clarke,” Lexa said, softly bringing her hands up to cradle Clarke’s face, her thumbs softly brushing away the tears that were falling from the blonde’s eyes, “whatever it is that she now has planned will also fail.”
“You can’t know that.” Clarke said.
“I believe it.” Lexa replied with a soft smile.
“Why?” Clarke asked.
“Because I cannot let her win,” Lexa said, “I have put everything that I am into this coalition, Clarke, I will not let her destroy what so many people have died for.”
x-x-x-x-x-x-x
The remaining drive to Polis was uneventful, and quiet. As soon as Raven had started to drive again, Clarke had sat back on the seat, resting her head against the side of the Rover, the gentle rocking of the vehicle lulling her to sleep. Octavia noticed how, when Lexa and Clarke had got back in the Rover, the blonde sat closer to the Commander. Though she tried not to notice, she also saw how during the journey, Clarke’s hand found Lexa’s. The Commander softly running her thumb over the back of Clarke’s hand while she slept. Octavia also saw how, as they neared Polis, Clarke moved her head to rest on Lexa’s shoulder. Lexa knew that Octavia had seen all this, and as the younger girl once again looked at them, she raised an eyebrow in a silent challenge, which caused Octavia to shake her head a little before she turned her attention to the front of the Rover.
“Do you want me to drive through the gates?” Raven asked, glancing back at Lexa.
“No,” Lexa replied quietly, not wanting to wake Clarke, “you will have to stop outside the city, our roads are not set up for vehicles to pass.”
“So you just expect me to leave the Rover outside the city?” Raven asked in reply, the tone of her voice betraying how thrilled she was at that idea.
“I assure you my people will not steal your Rover, Raven,” Lexa said, a small smile tugging at her lips, “if you stop it near the guard post it will be safe.”
Raven stopped the Rover near the guard post at the gate, the guards drawing their weapons as soon as the vehicle came into view. Once they were stopped, Ryder got out of the front, telling the guards to lower their weapons. Octavia climbed out of the back, and waited with Raven and Ryder while Lexa woke Clarke up.
“Clarke…” Lexa said softly, “we’re here.”
Clarke sat up and blinked a few times.
“Did I fall asleep?” she asked, looking around the now empty Rover.
“You did.” Lexa said with a small smile.
Clarke stretched her back a little before getting out of the Rover, Lexa following behind her. When the guards saw Lexa they stepped away from the gate, allowing the group to pass. As they walked through the streets, Clarke could see both Raven and Octavia taking in everything around them. The blonde saw Raven nudge Octavia a little and motion towards a small group of children who were running around with sticks. She could see a small smile pull at Lexa’s lips as she watched her friends. Polis really wasn’t like any other place that they had seen.
Luna met them outside the main building, her eyes narrowing as she noticed Octavia and Raven.
“Has Nia arrived?” Lexa asked as they walked up the steps towards the door.
“Not yet, Heda,” Luna replied, “a few others have, but Nia is not yet here. I sent scouts out to await her arrival.”
Lexa nodded a little.
“Who’s that?” Octavia asked Clarke quietly as they followed Lexa.
“That’s Luna.” Clarke replied, “she’s the leader of…”
“The Boat People,” Octavia said with a nod, “Lincoln mentioned her before.”
“The Boat People?” Raven asked, looking at the two of them.
“The least violent of the clans,” Clarke said, “they were one of the first to join the coalition.”
“Least violent?” Raven said, “So that means we like them then?”
“Don’t let that fool you,” Lexa said, glancing behind her as they walked into the main entrance hall area, “least violent does not mean they cannot fight.”
“Does she have bat sonar for ears?” Raven said quietly, leaning closer to Clarke, causing the blonde to laugh a little.
Lexa looked to Ryder.
“Could you show Raven and Octavia to their rooms, please.” She said.
“Sha, Heda.” He replied with a slight nod, motioning for Raven and Octavia to follow him.
“I think I’m going to go up to my room,” Clarke said, looking between Lexa and Luna, “I’m tired.”
Lexa nodded a little before she walked closer to the blonde.
“If you need anything…” Lexa said quietly.
Clarke nodded her head.
Lexa stood and watched as Clarke walked up the stairs towards the room she was staying in, Luna walked up next to Lexa.
“You trust her?” Luna asked, as she saw the way Lexa was watching Clarke.
“No,” Lexa replied shaking her head slightly, “though I want to. While she was with Azgeda she was tortured, her mind broken. I am unsure how far Nia went. I don’t know how many more surprises lay in store.”
“Are you still considering allowing Skaikru into the coalition?” Luna asked.
“Yes,” Lexa said with a small nod, “it is the only path I can see that will lead us to peace.”
“Though you know that you are going to face opposition.” Luna said.
“I always face opposition.” Lexa replied as Clarke walked into her room, she turned to face the other girl, “have you talked with the leaders who are already here?”
“I have,” Luna said with a nod as she and Lexa walked up the stairs to the meeting room, “so far they understand what is at stake, though a few that I have talked to don’t seem to be prepared to go against Nia.”
“Nia is not the leader of this coalition.” Lexa replied with a sigh.
“You need to remind them why that is.” Luna said, a small smile tugging at her lips.
x-x-x-x-x-x-x
By the time night fell the scouts had sent word that Nia and the Azgeda delegation were setting up camp outside Polis, Lexa didn’t know why they hadn’t entered the city, but she was sure it was another of Nia’s tactics. Lexa was sitting in the throne room, contemplating how the following day would go, she knew there was a very good chance that it wouldn’t go well. The only way that she could think of to prevent a future war was to welcome Skaikru into the coalition, but she knew that the act of making them the 13th clan could itself start a war.
The decision to make Skaikru the 13th clan wasn’t purely political for Lexa, if anything it was certainly more personal than it should be. Though she couldn’t bring herself to regret her actions at Mount Weather, as she had done what she needed to do to save her people, she regretted the pain she had caused Clarke. She would never forget the look on the blonde girls face when she turned to walk away that night, it was something that she saw most nights when she closed her eyes to sleep.
Since Costia’s death she had lived by the mantra that love was weakness, completely taking onboard the lessons that she had been taught as a young nightblood, the seven words that were drilled into her. To be Commander is to be alone. Lexa had opened herself up to love before and had been left devastated when Azgeda delivered Costia’s head to her bed. Everyone that she had ever cared about had been taken from her. Her parents, Anya, Costia, Gustus. So the walls that she had built up were never meant to be broken down. Then she met Clarke.
The blonde girl had fallen from the sky and turned Lexa’s entire world on its head. She had pushed Lexa to be more, challenged her at every turn. Little by little those walls that Lexa had built to protect her heart fell, little by little she let Clarke in, only to have to walk away from everything that she wanted for herself to save her people.
Bringing Skaikru into the coalition would mean that she would never have to choose between Clarke and her people again. She would never have to choose between her heart and her people again.
A knock at the door pulled her from her thoughts.
“Yes.” Lexa said.
Ryder opened the door and walked into the room.
“The guards you posted outside Clarke’s room report that she is shouting in her sleep, Heda.” He said.
Lexa stood up from her throne and made her way towards Clarke’s room. She found Octavia and Raven standing outside, arguing with the guards that Lexa had posted.
“Firstly,” Octavia said as she saw Lexa, “why the hell are there guards outside Clarke’s room?”
“Watch your tone.” Ryder said, as he stepped closer to Octavia.
Lexa raised her hand a little, stopping him before he reached the smaller girl.
“Azgeda are outside the city walls,” Lexa said, looking at Octavia, “I do not know whether Nia poses any threat to Clarke, considering her original plan has failed, I posted guards to alert me to any distress that she may be in.”
“I call bullshit.” Raven said, crossing her arms across her chest as she looked at Lexa, “because to me that actually sounds like you give a shit.”
Lexa narrowed her eyes as she looked at Raven, she wasn’t exactly sure what the girl meant by Lexa giving a shit, the sentence didn’t make sense to the Commander, but she assumed that it wasn’t a good thing.
“You said firstly,” Lexa said, turning her attention to Octavia again, “that implies you have another point to make.”
“I do,” Octavia said with a nod, “why won’t they let us into Clarke’s room?”
“Because I told them not to allow anyone into her room.” Lexa replied, “the last time she was surprised by someone in her room she held a knife to their throat.”
Raven took a step back from the door.
“After you, Commander.” She said.
Lexa looked at Octavia.
“Do you really want to be the one to wake her up?” Lexa asked.
“How unpredictable is she right now?” Octavia asked in reply.
Lexa didn’t wait for Octavia to answer the question as she heard more shouting from Clarke, she stepped past the younger girl and walked into Clarke’s room. The blonde was tossing and turning in bed, the furs that had been over her when she went to sleep were almost on the floor, and Lexa found herself thankful that the blonde hadn’t decided to sleep naked.
“Clarke…” she said softly as she placed her hand on the blonde’s shoulder, “Clarke, wake up.”
“No…” Clarke said, continuing to move, “no, please…”
“Clarke.” Lexa said a little more firmly.
The blonde woke up, her hand gripping tightly onto Lexa’s wrist as she looked around the room frantically.
“It’s okay, Clarke,” Lexa said, “it was a nightmare, you’re safe.”
“Clarke…” Octavia said from the doorway.
“Make them go away.” Clarke said through gritted teeth as she looked at Lexa, not letting go of her wrist.
“Okay,” Lexa replied with a small nod, “but you need to let go of my wrist.”
When the grip on her wrist didn’t loosen, Lexa put her free hand over Clarke’s hand that was wrapped around her wrist.
“It’s okay, Clarke…” she said, “no one is going to hurt you.”
Clarke blinked quickly a few times before she nodded a little, letting go of Lexa’s wrist. As Lexa moved to walk towards the door Clarke reached out and grabbed her hand.
“Ryder,” Lexa said, knowing that she wasn’t going to be able to make it to the door, “can you make some tea.”
Ryder nodded his head a little.
“Is there anything we can do?” Octavia asked.
“Give her some time.” Lexa replied.
Ryder closed the door to the bedroom and Lexa turned back around to look at Clarke.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Lexa asked.
Clarke shook her head as Lexa sat down on the bed next to the blonde.
“Okay…” Lexa said, trying to get her mind to concentrate on anything other than the way Clarke’s hand felt in hers.
“I killed you…” the blonde said quietly.
The brunette didn’t say anything, she just looked at Clarke, waiting for her to continue.
“In my dream,” she elaborated, “I killed you. We were in the meeting room; it was filled with people. My mother was there, Kane was there. Nia…”
Clarke brought her free hand up to her mouth as it appeared that she was going to be sick, but she wasn’t.
“She told me I had a choice to make,” Clarke said, “I could choose my people, or I could choose you. Then I had a knife in my hand…”
“It was a nightmare, Clarke,” Lexa said softly, “it wasn’t real.”
“It felt real.” Clarke replied, tears falling from her eyes, “it felt so real.”
Lexa decided that simply sitting next to Clarke wasn’t enough, and hesitantly put her arm around the blonde’s shoulders. The tears started to fall freely from Clarke’s eyes as she buried her head in the crook of Lexa’s neck.
“It’s okay, Clarke,” Lexa said, bringing her other arm around the blonde, softly rubbing her back, “you’re safe, it’s okay.”
“I had the knife in my hand,” Clarke said, her voice muffled slightly as she clung to Lexa, “she was standing there telling me to do it, telling me that if I didn’t all my people would die. She was behind me… her voice grating in my head.”
Lexa didn’t say anything, she simply kept softly rubbing Clarke’s back.
“And do you know the worst thing,” Clarke said, pulling away from Lexa a little so she could look her in the eyes, “you let me do it. You didn’t even try to stop me. You had that look in your eyes, that look that told me it was okay, why would you do that…”
A knock on the door caused Clarke to jump.
“It’s only Ryder.” Lexa said as she moved to stand up, “he’s brought you some more tea.”
Clarke nodded and moved back from Lexa so the brunette could stand up.
Lexa walked over and opened the door.
“Is everything okay, Heda?” Ryder asked as he held out the cup to her.
“Everything is fine.” Lexa replied with a sigh and a nod.
Ryder nodded a little.
“Where did Octavia and Raven go?” Lexa asked.
“I believe they are talking to Luna.” He said.
“Okay,” Lexa replied, “thank you Ryder.”
Lexa closed the bedroom door and took the tea back over to Clarke who was now sitting on the bed with the furs pulled up to her chin.
“Here you go.” She said, holding the cup out to the blonde.
Unlike the last time that Lexa had tried to get Clarke to drink the tea, this time she didn’t hesitate to take the cup.
“How can I get her out of my head?” Clarke asked as Lexa sat back down next to her on the bed.
“The only way I know how to stop nightmares is to confront what you’re scared of.” Lexa said as she leant back against the headboard, “You cannot let the nightmare win.”
“But she’s not only a nightmare, she’s real.” Clarke said.
“I will do everything I can to make sure that she doesn’t hurt you.” Lexa said, glancing at Clarke.
“I don’t know why,” Clarke said with a sigh, “after everything that has happened in the last week, if I were you I’d just throw me to the wolves and see what happens.”
“Then for your sake I would say that it’s a good job you are not me.” Lexa said with a small smile.
“Why do you care so much, Lexa?” Clarke asked.
“You make it impossible for me not to care, Clarke.” The brunette replied with a sigh.