Chapter 1
Head over heart. Three words that Anya had drilled into her day after day, especially after she became Heda. Her heart was weak, selfish; telling her what she wanted for herself. Her head was what she needed to listen to for the good of her people, so that’s what she had done, time after time. The walls that she had built up around her heart were there for a very good reason, the price that would be paid for a moment of weakness on her part was unthinkable. It was never just her own life which she had to think about, it was thousands of others. People who looked to her for answers, looked to her to lead them, looked to her to always do what was best for them. Never what was best for herself. Her own needs were always last on a very long list of others. She had thought by now that she would be used to that, but the dull thud of pain that still resided in her chest told her otherwise. It had been three months. Three months since she had walked away from the mountain. Three months since she had turned her back on the new alliance with the Sky People. Three months since she had seen Clarke. She knew that the Sky People had survived the mountain. She knew that Clarke had survived. What she didn’t know was where the blonde haired girl was now.
If the only person Lexa had to think about was herself then she would never have walked away that night on the mountain, she would have stayed and fought. But the deal which was offered was too much for her to turn down. Her people would be free, at no further risk of attack from the mountain. She could take all her people and walk away, or she could stay and fight. It wasn’t only those people who had been on the mountain that night which Lexa would lose if they had lost the fight, her people would be more vulnerable to attack with her dead. If she had died that night her people wouldn’t be safe. So she had taken the only option she could, she betrayed the girl who trusted her, the girl who believed that they would win. But Lexa also knew that Clarke’s plan wouldn’t work. While the deal was offered Lexa was told that her people had been taken from the cages. Part of Clarke’s plan was to have those people led out through the Reaper tunnels of the mountain to safety, but as they had been moved before the army had arrived on the mountain, that would not work. They would have been fighting for nothing. Battling their way through the doors, through the guards and for what, to come across a room where all of Lexa’s people who had been in the mountain laid slaughtered.
As the days turned into weeks, and the weeks turned into months, Lexa had managed to put the thoughts of Clarke to the back of her mind, concentrating instead on rebuilding Tondc, on preparing for the winter, on being the leader she was born to be. Though she had other things to occupy her mind, the blonde girl was always there, though it was no longer constant thoughts, now it was passing wonderings.
There had been rumblings of discontent amongst Lexa’s people, those who believed that she had made the wrong decision that night, those who felt they could no longer trust their leader. She had, after all, turned her back on an alliance. The coalition was on shaky ground anyway with the Mountain Men gone, they had been the enemy that the clans shared, yet now they were gone, there was nothing holding the coalition together other than Lexa herself. She had hoped that in the time that the clans had been united they had all seen the benefits of peace between them, but she knew that there were other forces at work who would like nothing more than for the coalition to fail, for Lexa to fall.
It had always been there at the back of her mind ever since she had been called to lead her people. The life of a Heda is not a very long one, and Lexa herself had lived longer than most had. Her life was limited, every time she put on her armor and went into battle she knew there was a chance she would not return. While most people thought about their lives in terms of years, Lexa had learned to think of hers in terms of months, of battles. Surviving war by war, day by day. That is the life she led, that is the destiny she had. Being called to lead her people was supposed to be an honor, most of the time Lexa could see it that way, but there were times where she hated it. Those times came when she was alone, when the night fell around her, when she was surrounded by silence. Sometimes she wished that she could just walk away into the forest, leave it all behind her and just exist. Maybe she could find a small place somewhere, where nobody would think to look for her, where she could just watch the days pass by with no responsibilities, where she would never have to think about anyone else’s survival but her own. But as the sun rose on those thoughts, they vanished off with the night.
She had heard whisperings from a few of her people who had recently returned to Polis from Azgeda territory, there were rumors around their capitol city that Clarke of the Sky People was there, though they talked about her as Wanheda rather than Clarke. It was a name that Lexa knew well, it translated loosely as Death Commander, or Commander of Death, though it was a meaning that could be taken a few different ways, none of which would sit well with Clarke herself. Though Lexa knew that her people meant it as a sign of respect, stories of the fall of the mountain were quickly becoming legend amongst her people, and Clarke was at the center of the story. As she had no idea of what the true story was Lexa had no real idea of what actually happened, but she was sure that a lot of the stories were certainly more fiction than fact. War stories tended to get slightly distorted the more people retold them, Lexa herself had heard how she personally stood and fought 100 warriors at the same time, alone. It had been a large number, after she had been backed into a corner during a battle, but she doubted it was that many. She knew the only way she would be told the true story of what happened that night inside the mountain was to talk to Clarke, Lexa believed that creating a peace treaty with the Pauna would be more likely than Clarke choosing to talk to her again.
If Clarke was indeed in Azgeda territory, Lexa knew that she would be there as a ‘guest’ of Nia, the Ice Nation Queen. In the nights that followed the fall of the mountain she had hoped that Clarke would find her way to safety, to a clan that would take care of her, she had been hoping that the blonde would find Luna and the Boat People, if she had gone West from Camp Jaha they would be the first clan she would come across. But Clarke had obviously gone North. Deep down the Commander knew that Clarke was more useful to Nia alive than she would be dead, so she knew that there was a good chance Clarke was safe with the Azgeda for the time being. She knew first-hand the devious nature of the Azgeda Queen, she had made Lexa’s life very difficult when she had first been called as Heda, she had also been the one who had kidnapped, tortured and beheaded Costia. She had needed a way to learn about the weaknesses in Lexa’s leadership, she had needed information on how to defeat her, so she had taken Costia, hoping that she would tell her everything she needed to know. She had also hoped that it would draw Lexa from Polis, if she could get her to attack while angry and unorganized, then there was a chance she could defeat her. Lexa never took her army north.
Her people in Tondc had told her about the unrest at the Sky People’s camp, there was a definite gap forming, two very individual groups were forming, but it was really none of Lexa’s concern. The Sky People no longer had an alliance with her people, she had no desire to get caught up in the disagreements they were having, she was having to deal with enough politics with her own people, it was nothing to do with her if the Sky People started fighting amongst themselves and killed each other. Though she had asked a small group of scouts to ‘discreetly’ keep her informed of what was happening at the camp. She told herself that it was so she would be warned in advance if they decided to attack her people, or if their actions became a threat to her own people, but she knew that wasn’t the only reason she did it. Clarke hated her, that much she was sure of, and she may not know exactly where the blonde girl was, but she could do her best to ensure that she still had a home to return to if she ever wanted to go back.
Lexa had been in a meeting with her generals when word reached them of a visitor to Polis, a blonde woman claiming to be there at the request of Nia. One of her men, who had been part of her army on the mountain, believed that the visitor was Clarke. Thinking quickly, Lexa ended the meeting and sent away the majority of her guard, if Clarke was in fact there at the behest of Nia, the Commander knew that the blonde was unlikely to attack her. She knew that it wasn’t going to be a pleasant meeting, and though she had thought about how a reunion with Clarke would go she was aware this was probably going to be painful for them both. Lexa wanted nothing more than to apologize to Clarke for leaving her on the mountain, she knew that she couldn’t. Apologizing would imply that she had done something wrong, as the leader of her people Lexa had made the right decision, and to now say that she was wrong would make her appear weak.
Her breath caught in her throat as the doors to the throne room opened and Clarke walked in. She had her hair braided and war paint over her eyes, she was dressed as a member of the Azgeda, which didn’t surprise Lexa as she had been told that Clarke was there because Nia asked her to be. The blonde walked with an air of confidence that set Lexa on edge, but she knew that it was just a mask. She could read Clarke like a book, she knew something wasn’t right. Her eyes were cold, Lexa had seen that look before on many of her warriors, it was something that told Lexa that Clarke was broken. She’d witnessed so much pain and suffering, she’d taken on everything that her people had asked of her, and it was destroying her. Lexa felt a pang of guilt in her chest, it was her fault.
“Commander,” Clarke said as she stopped in front of the raised platform where Lexa was currently stood, “thank you for agreeing to see me.”
“I was told it was important.” Lexa replied, keeping her voice as calm and level as her heart rate would allow, Clarke was acting so calm and collected, Lexa knew she’d have to see how this played out.
“It is important,” the blonde said as Lexa sat back down, “we need your help.”
“We?” Lexa asked, clenching her jaw slightly, already knowing what Clarke was going to say.
“The Azgeda.” Clarke replied, her face remaining emotionless as she looked at Lexa.
“Why does Nia need my help?” Lexa asked in reply, “and why did she send you?”
“She is helping me,” Clarke said, “and my people. I’m not sure what you know about what is happening at Camp Jaha at the moment…”
“Infighting,” Lexa said calmly, “political unrest. Two groups forming who disagree completely with each other. It happens in societies which are fractured, that do not have the strong leadership needed to keep everyone in line. I fail to see how that involves Nia, or my people.”
“One of the two groups is anti-grounder, if they take complete control over my people, and the technology that we took from the mountain, then they are a threat to everyone,” Clarke said, “that is why it involves your people.”
“What does Nia hope that I will do?” Lexa asked, “Is she hoping that I will send soldiers?”
“Isn’t that what you do when one of your clans starts a war?” Clarke asked, stepping a little closer to where Lexa was sitting, “Send in your armies? Isn’t that one of the bonus points of this whole coalition?”
“I will send troops to defend people who are in danger,” the Commander replied, “I will not send my soldiers to die in a war which I had no say over. Nia is the one who is marching her army on your camp, she is the one who is going to war with the Sky People, not me. The rules of the coalition clearly state a clan who enters into a war without coalition backing will not receive reinforcements. She should have sent word to me about this before, if she was expecting my assistance, she was aware of what that would take.”
Lexa moved to stand up, indicating that the meeting was over.
“Lexa, please,” Clarke said, stopping Lexa in her tracks, “my people are going to end up killing each other, I need your help…”
“We have no alliance with your people.” Indra said from where she was standing near the door, “We have no duty to protect you, or save you from yourselves.”
“I will discuss your request for help at the next meeting with my generals.” Lexa said, not looking up from where her eyes were fixed on the floor.
“Heda…” Indra said, shutting up when Lexa looked at her.
“When is that meeting?” Clarke asked, “I would like to be there, to argue our case.”
“Tomorrow,” Lexa replied, “one of my people will arrange somewhere for you to stay the night, and they will escort you there tomorrow.”
“Am I to remain under constant guard Commander?” Clarke asked, a challenging tone in her voice.
“Do you need to be?” Lexa asked in reply, looking at the blonde who didn’t reply, “you are free to travel around the city as you choose to, but you will be asked to hand over your weapons before you do so.”
“Why?” Clarke asked, “I’ve seen others walking around with weapons, why should I remove mine?”
“You are here at the request of Nia, as representation for the Azgeda,” Lexa explained, “No Azgeda are armed in my city.”
“That doesn’t seem very fair.” The blonde said with a small smirk on her lips.
“It may not seem fair to you, but it is understandable given the Azgeda’s history with the other clans.” Lexa replied, “You can keep your weapons if you remain in your quarters, the choice is yours.”
Lexa walked from the raised platform and headed to a door on one side of the room. She didn’t look back as she walked through the door, closing it behind her. As soon as the door was closed she leant back against the wall, taking a deep breath to try and steady her heartbeat. Closing her eyes, she rested her head back against the wall. Like she had told Clarke, usually she wouldn’t send troops to assist a clan who had started a war they couldn’t win without consulting with her about it first, it’s how she had kept so many of her people alive and it also changed their views about fighting. Everything before Lexa had become Heda had been about fighting, every minor disagreement was settled with the pointy part of a sword, her refusal to send assistance to every little battle soon made the other clans a little more cautious about starting wars. Nia knew that, but Lexa was willing to bet that Nia also knew that she would have a hard time refusing Clarke’s request for help.
While Lexa was considering the long term implications of her helping Clarke, the door she had just walked through opened and Indra walked into the small side room Lexa was currently standing in.
“Are you sure this is wise?” The older woman asked as Lexa pushed herself away from the wall and walked over to stand at the open window.
“Am I sure what is wise, Indra?” Lexa asked, her head held high as she gripped her hands behind her back.
“Having Clarke of the Sky People here in Polis, and agreeing to discuss the Azgeda request for assistance.” Indra replied, walking closer to where Lexa was standing, “I know you feel guilt over the choice you made that night on the mountain, but this is not the way to make right any wrongs you believe you have committed.”
“This has nothing to do with…” Lexa started to say.
“It has everything to do with that,” Indra said, interrupting Lexa, “if you had not chosen the way you did, if you had not taken the deal, then we would not be needing to make the choices you are now faced with.”
“If I had not taken us away from the mountain that night then we would still have an alliance with the Sky People,” Lexa replied, letting Indra get away with interrupting her, “Nia would not have any kind of agreement with Clarke, and the Sky People would not be fighting amongst themselves. The best case scenario would be the alliance between our people being strengthened, the worst case we would all be dead so it wouldn’t matter. My choice to help Clarke has nothing to do with what if’s and what would have possibly happened… It has to do with the stability of my people. I send assistance to Camp Jaha and stop the infighting, then the anti-Grounder faction of the Sky People will not be in a position to do us harm.”
“You have been aware of the situation at the Sky People’s camp for the last few days,” Indra said, “yet this is the first time you have been inclined to send assistance. Let me ask you this, if it had not been Clarke who had asked for help, would you even be considering it?”
“It will benefit my people.” Lexa replied, her eyes fixed on the world beyond the window.
“You need a clear head to approach this situation, Commander,” Indra said as she turned and walked back towards the door, “I believe that your mind is clouded by emotion and a false sense of guilt, I will be making my thoughts known to the other generals before the meeting.”
As Indra walked from the room Lexa let out the deep breath she didn’t know she had been holding.
x-x-x-x-x-x
As the night fell over the city, Clarke sat at the table in the room one of Lexa’s people had brought her to earlier that day. She had expected it to be more of a fight for Lexa to agree to help her, she couldn’t help but think that Lexa should have been approached for help before the Ice Nation were, but Clarke also knew that wasn’t an option as far as her people were concerned. She was in the Azgeda capitol when word arrived of unrest at Camp Jaha, so she had done the only thing she could do, appeal to Nia for help on the behalf of her people. She couldn’t really remember how she had reached Azgeda territory, all she remembered was walking until her legs physically couldn’t carry her anymore, then she rested for a short time, before continuing. She’d had no idea where she was going, or how long she had been away. She had tried counting the days, but as they started to blend together she gave up. Then one morning she had woken up in an unfamiliar room, she was wounded though she couldn’t remember how it happened, and she had no idea where she was or if she was even safe.
A few days had passed before the woman looking after her wounds explained where she was. Clarke remembered Lexa telling her that the Ice Nation Queen was responsible for Costia’s death, she remembered the stories that the Commander had told her about the clan from the north, the blonde had tried to escape when the first opportunity presented itself. She didn’t even leave the room before someone came to stop her, they explained that they were there to help her, not harm her. They told her that Nia wanted to talk to her when she was well enough, and over the following days they had done nothing to make Clarke suspect that she was in any danger.
Over the following weeks she had healed enough for her to be allowed to move freely around the compound they were in. She talked to Nia, she talked to a lot of people and she was failing to see anything remotely threatening about them. Clarke’s physical wounds healed a lot faster than her mental ones did. The visions of what she had done in the mountain kept her awake most nights. She found that once she started to open up about what had happened it was easier for her to deal with it, or so she thought. When it came time for her to ask Nia for her help, to save her people, Clarke believed she knew her well enough to trust her. She hadn’t been too happy about being the one who had to go to Polis, but it was the first step in the plan which she and Nia had managed to come up with. If everything went to plan, the outcome would be something that benefitted both people.
Clarke knew when Lexa agreed to discuss her request with her generals, that part one of the plan was complete. She had done as Nia had suggested, if Lexa ended the meeting without some kind of agreement then appeal to her emotional side, and it had worked. Seeing Lexa again had brought back all the feelings of anger and betrayal which Clarke had felt in the months since the fall of the mountain. Feelings which Clarke had tried to bury. Feeling nothing at all was better than feeling the mass of emotions she felt when it came to the Grounder Commander. She hated her, despised what she had done, but she also felt stupid for having trusted Lexa as fully as she had. People had tried to tell her that she couldn’t trust Lexa, that she shouldn’t trust her, but she did. She had told them that they could trust the Commander, that the plan was going to work. If she hadn’t blindly trusted Lexa, if she hadn’t driven her people to depend on her, then nobody would be where they were now. The Sky People wouldn’t be fighting amongst each-other, Clarke wouldn’t have to go back to Lexa for help, nor would she have had to make an agreement with Nia.
All Clarke had to do now was play the part Lexa believed she would play. Go to the meeting with the generals and plead for their help to save her people. She knew Nia had already started the army marching towards Camp Jaha, they had left the Azgeda capitol the same day Clarke did. Then once it was over she would finally be able to start to heal emotionally and mentally. Once she knew her people were safe and Nia gets what she wants, Clarke knew that she would have time to figure out who she was again.
x-x-x-x-x-x
Since she had seen Clarke earlier that day, a small yet very persistent voice had been making itself heard in Lexa’s head. It was telling her to follow her gut, and her gut feeling was that she couldn’t trust Clarke. She wanted to, and if Clarke had come to Polis with the sole intention of getting Lexa’s help for her people, then maybe Lexa would have been more inclined to place some measure of trust in her. But she didn’t. Her first answer when Lexa had asked who ‘we’ was, had been the Azgeda. Which lead Lexa to believe that they were her priority in this case, which in turn was something that didn’t sit right with Lexa.
She knew Clarke, she knew how she operated, she had spent enough time around her to know that her people would never come second, they would never be an after-thought. That thought only served to bolster Lexa’s original thought that Clarke was broken, something had snapped inside the blonde girl, and Lexa knew the longer it took for her to fix it, to repair the damage that had been done, the more dangerous the next few days would be. Lexa herself knew through experience that the best time to impart your views on someone was when they were at their most vulnerable. It was a tactic that had been used many times, by Lexa and other clan leaders, to get people to turn on those in charge, to turn them into a spy for your cause. If Nia had gotten to Clarke at a time when the blonde was at her most damaged she could have turned her mind. That would be dangerous for Lexa.
She was snapped from her thoughts by a knock at her door.
“Yes…” she said, looking over at the door as Indra walked in.
“A small group of Azgeda arrived in the city at nightfall,” Indra said calmly, “they surrendered their weapons as requested and informed us that they will be remaining here for no more than a week.”
“Curious timing…” Lexa replied, narrowing her eyes a little, “keep a discreet eye on our visitors, if they are meeting up with Clarke or anyone else of interest I want to know about it.”
“Yes, Heda.” Indra said with a slight nod, before she turned to leave the room.
“Oh and Indra,” Lexa said, stopping her in her tracks, “I want a small scout team sent to Camp Jaha, I want to know what I’m walking into.”
Indra nodded her head again before leaving the room, closing the door behind her.
“If I’m walking into a trap I at least want to know what to expect…” Lexa said to herself as she walked over and sat on the chair near the roaring fire.
x-x-x-x-x-x-x
Clarke pulled her hood around her face more as she lowered her head and made her way through the bustling city streets of Polis. There was an energy that seemed to flow around the city, it was the energy of life, of survival. Any other time Clarke would have loved to soak it all in, lose herself in the crowds and vanish off into the life of the city. But she didn’t have time for that. Following the brief directions, the note she had received an hour earlier had given her, she finally reached a tavern in the dingy part of Polis. As she opened the door every head turned to face her, after a quick glance around her to see if there was any immediate threat, she walked towards the bar. It didn’t take her long to find who she was looking for, as soon as she had got a drink a man motioned for her to follow him. She followed him down a corridor towards a back room, when he opened the door she could see the 4 Azgeda soldiers Nia had sent.
“When did you get here?” Clarke asked Ontari as she sat down at the table opposite the other girl.
“A little over two hours ago,” she replied, “it gave us some time to take a look around, find out where you were, and find somewhere to stay.”
“You couldn’t have found somewhere better?” Clarke asked in reply, “this place is a bit of a dump.”
“You obviously haven’t figured out just how unwelcome the Azgeda are here in Polis just yet,” Ontari replied with a short laugh, “doesn’t matter what we have of value, we’d never get anywhere better than this. And it’s up to you to make sure we’re not here too long.”
“Well I’ve actually made more progress than I thought I would already,” Clarke said, “she agreed to meet me as soon as I arrived.”
“I bet she was on her knees begging you to accept her help, right?” One of the others said with a laugh, they had all heard from Nia about how much of an asset Clarke would be when it came to the Commander.
“Not exactly,” Clarke replied, “she pretty much flat out refused at first.”
“Till you batted your eyelashes and smiled, right?” Ontari asked with a roll of her eyes.
“Are you jealous?” Clarke asked with a smirk.
“Please…” the other girl said with a sigh as she shook her head a little.
“Anyway, she said that she’ll talk about it with her general’s tomorrow.” Clarke said, “which in my experience means that it’s going to happen, once Lexa takes something to her generals it’s not usually for their approval.”
“So why bother included them at all?” Ontari asked.
“Makes them feel important, I guess,” Clarke replied with a shrug, “makes them feel like she’s including them.”
Ontari had been one of the first people Clarke had clicked with in the Azgeda city, she wasn’t much older than Clarke, and had a sense of fun which Clarke found addictive. Nia complained a lot about the amount of time Clarke was spending with her, she said more than once about how she wasn’t the sort of influence which would be helpful for Clarke. But she was wrong. Ontari had helped Clarke forget what she had done, forget what happened that night on the mountain, even if it was only for a few hours. Once Nia realized that she assigned Ontari to help Clarke become more accustomed to their way of doing things, she had taught Clarke to fight, taught her to speak their language and because the blonde girl trusted her, Nia had made sure that the other girl was one of those who went to Polis.
She needed someone to keep an eye on Clarke, make sure that she didn’t start having second thoughts about the plan. She needed Clarke to remember everything that Lexa had done, the Azgeda she had sent to Polis were there to gently remind her whenever she seemed to waver.
“How do we find out what gets said in the meeting?” Ontari asked, “it would be good if we knew who was going to be there, that way we can find out if any would be… sympathetic to our cause.”
“You’re not going to find anyone within her generals who is anything but loyal to Lexa,” Clarke explained, shaking her head a little, “they are the people she trusts the most, the ones who would die to protect her. Nothing you can say to any of them will turn them against her.”
“You’d be surprised what the promise of a prominent position in the next leadership can do to sway a person.” Ontari replied, leaning back in her chair a little as she smiled, “Anyone will do anything if the price is right.”
“I don’t think that’s necessarily true.” Clarke said, resting her elbows on the table as she furrowed her brow a little.
“So you’re telling me that the price wasn’t right in this little agreement you have with Nia?” she asked, “you’re telling me that this right here isn’t the price that you’re willing to accept to do anything?”
“This is different…” Clarke replied.
“It’s really not,” Ontari said, crossing her arms across her chest, “your request was your people’s safety, and you agreed that the cost for that is worth paying, it’s why you’re here. If you promise someone something big enough, you can point to a cliff and tell them to jump, the only thing they’re going to ask is how high.”
“Let’s say that you’re right,” Clarke said with a sigh, “I still don’t think you’re going to turn anyone within her generals, it’s their sworn duty to protect her, to them that’s important. Plus we don’t need to do that, I got her to agree to let me be at the meeting, to ‘argue my case’. It’s as good as her agreeing to send reinforcements.”
“I really hope your confidence isn’t misplaced,” the other girl replied, “you have to remember that Lexa is going to view this in a way where the best outcome is for her people. She’s going to look at it as a leader. You know full well that if it will end badly for her people, she won’t do it. It’ll be like being up on that mountain again. You’ll be waiting outside Camp Jaha for the reinforcements and they don’t arrive, and you watch as one by one your people kill each other, and us.”
“As long as she trusts me, she’ll do it,” Clarke said, “I’ll just point out that if we lose and the only Sky People that are left are the ones that want all Grounders dead, then it’ll be a threat to her people. I’ll make her see that this is for the best in the long run. For everyone.”
“I hope you’re right,” Ontari replied, “if you’re wrong, this is going to be a pretty dangerous place to be. We have to try and get some weapons from somewhere, we were made to turn ours over.”
“So was I,” Clarke said with a small laugh, “if I wanted to leave the room I’m staying in, I had to turn over my weapons. She sees me as one of you.”
“Technically you are.” The other girl said, “Did you hand over all your weapons?”
“No,” The blonde replied, “I still have the dagger which was hidden in the bottom of my bag.”
x-x-x-x-x-x
As Clarke made her way back up the stairs to the room she was staying in she saw Lexa waiting on one of the landings. She didn’t say anything to her, just walked straight past her.
“Did you enjoy seeing the city?” Lexa asked, causing Clarke to stop and turn back to look at her.
“Yeah,” Clarke replied with a nod, “there’s some very… interesting people here.”
“Might I suggest you explore the city in daylight,” the brunette said, with a small smile as she walked closer to Clarke, “that way you are likely to see a different way of life which doesn’t revolve around the tavern.”
“How do you know I’ve been at the tavern?” Clarke asked, “I thought you said I wasn’t under constant guard.”
“You smell like you decided to take a swim in a barrel of ale,” Lexa replied with a smile, “so I would think it was safe for me to assume that you had been to a tavern.”
“Right,” Clarke said, “some idiot spilt his drink on me, guess that kind of does give it away a little doesn’t it.”
“Just slightly, yes.” Lexa said with a nod.
Clarke smiled and shook her head a little as she turned and walked back towards the stairs, as her foot reached the first step Lexa stopped her again.
“One other thing…” Lexa said, stepping towards Clarke again, and moving her hands from behind her back for the first time since Clarke arrived, in her hand she held a dagger, “when you are asked to surrender all weapons, it means all weapons, not simply the ones you have not concealed.”
“Where did you get that?” Clarke asked, walking over to where Lexa was standing, “is it customary for you to go through people’s possessions?”
“One of my staff was going into your room to prepare your bath, as you had apparently asked her to do,” Lexa replied, her jaw clenched, “your bag was laying on the floor and as she crossed the room she tripped slightly on the bag because she hadn’t noticed it on the floor, as she tripped the dagger fell from your bag. So no, it is not generally customary for me to go through people’s possessions, but I may have to make the exception and have a guard search you every time you return.”
“I just don’t understand why I have to hand over my weapons,” Clarke said with a sigh, “it tells me that you don’t trust me. You know me Lexa, you know why I’m here.”
“It is your reasons for being here which are causing me issues,” Lexa said honestly, “I thought I knew you, Clarke, but in the months that have passed you have changed, I certainly do not know the person you have become…”
“You’re right, I have changed,” Clarke replied, a hard smile on her lips, “It now takes me longer to trust someone, ask yourself why I felt I should keep that dagger. Now put yourself in my position, being unarmed while in the same place as the person who betrayed me once, leaving me to die.”
“You are here to ask me for my help,” the brunette said, “the fact that you were allowed past the gates at all has to tell you that I mean you no harm. I cannot say that I’m sorry for what I did, because that implies that I now believe that choice was wrong, which I do not…”
“Yeah, figures…” Clarke said.
“But I can say that I am sorry for the pain you believe that I’ve caused you,” Lexa continued, “I can say that I’m sorry for the decisions you made that you regret that you blame me for. I do not know what happened that night on the mountain, Clarke, but I can say that if I had chosen to remain there that night a lot more people would have lost their lives.”
“You can’t know that,” Clarke said, her voice growing ever so slightly louder, “you cannot tell me that you knew more people would die. If we’d have stuck to the plan, if you hadn’t walked away, then the people living in that mountain would still be alive.”
“And we would all be dead.” Lexa replied calmly, “They knew of our plan before we even reached their door. Emmerson, the man who delivered the agreement to me, told me that all my people had been moved. They knew we were going to release them, Clarke. If I had decided to stay, knowing what I did, I would have condemned every one of my people inside that mountain to death. I couldn’t do that.”
“So you condemned my people to death instead.” The blonde said, shaking her head, “And you still cannot see why that makes me not trust you. Did you know, some of my own people told me not to trust you, hell even one or two of your people told me not to trust you, but I did. I put the lives of my people in your hands, and you didn’t give it a second thought when you had to trade their lives.”
“I didn’t ask you to trust me, Clarke.” Lexa replied, a hint of sadness to her voice.
“No, you didn’t,” Clarke said, “but I did, because you made me believe that I could. Minutes before you chose to leave us to die, you invited me here, with you. That told me that I could trust you, but I obviously couldn’t because you chose to walk away. Nothing that happened mattered to you did it, you didn’t think about any of it.”
“I couldn’t think about any of it,” Lexa replied, her anger finally coming to the surface, “in any treaty I have to think about what is best for my people, I have thousands of lives in my hands, Clarke, every day of my life. If I chose to let my people die on the off chance that we could save your people, do you truly think my people would see that as a victory? Have you even considered that I was thinking about your people as well as mine? If we’d have stormed that mountain, Clarke, if we’d have gone in there with your guns shooting at everything, they would have killed my people, and slaughtered yours. We would have been wasting lives for no possible gain.”
“So you turned your back on what would be morally right.” Clarke said, folding her arms across her chest as she looked at Lexa.
“As the leader of my people, I did what was morally right,” Lexa said, “you are so focused on what you had to do and the choices you had to make. My actions saved lives that night, and given the same choice again, as the leader of my people, I would make the same decision.”
“You walked away, you didn’t even give us a chance,” the blonde said, “we could’ve made the plan work, we could’ve saved everybody.”
“You can never save everybody,” Lexa replied with a sigh, “it is one of the very sad facts of life, certainly of our lives, of leaders lives. You have to think about what is best for the largest number of people. You had 47 people in that mountain, Clarke, I had hundreds. They took less than 50 of your people, they took thousands of mine…”
“So your need was greater than mine, is that what you’re saying?” Clarke asked.
“No,” Lexa said, shaking her head as she stepped closer to Clarke, “I am saying that a treaty is only worth fighting for when it continues to benefit everyone involved. As long as you still have something that the other wants, only then is a treaty safe. Given the same choice that I had, you would have battled with the options but you would know, deep down, that I made the right choice, no matter how wrong it felt. Because that is what a treaty is. If you had the safe option, then you would no longer have a need to fight.”
“I would never have made the same choice that you did.” Clarke said, shaking her head.
“Yes you would,” Lexa said with a small smile, “because you would do anything to save your people. Even now, you would still do anything that you had to do. You’re doing it right now. There is one thing that I need to know, I haven’t stopped thinking about it all day, what has Nia offered you or what does she want in return for her help?”
“What makes you think she wants anything?” Clarke asked in reply, “Maybe she can just see how this would be better for her people in the long run.”
“That is another thing that I’ve been considering,” Lexa said arching her eyebrow slightly, “it would take your people close to a week to march to the Azgeda cities, that’s assuming they would even know the quickest route. Nia isn’t known for investing her warriors in a situation which doesn’t immediately concern her, a week is more than enough time to arm your cities to withstand an attack. There is a lot more to this. Was the price of her help my death, Clarke?”
“Why would she send me here to kill you?” Clarke asked, “You heard me say that she’s marching against my people, who have the guns and the technology, she needs your help, she wouldn’t want you dead.”
Clarke felt the handle of her dagger slip back into her hand as Lexa walked slowly past her.
“You almost sound like you believe that.” Lexa said quietly before she slowly made her way upstairs.