Rap Battle of Doom
The seven hundred bought them two rooms at the Ellijay Inn- the only two available -for two nights, leaving them sitting pretty at five-fifty. By the time they had figured out that they didn't have to sleep in the woods they had been flipping around behind the abandoned building until noon. At lunch they had a feast of gummy worms and potato chips (thanks to Feferi's amazing shopping skills) and ended up at the Inn at around three-thirty.
"Hi, yeah, how many rooms do you have available?" Karkat asked the old woman behind the welcome counter.
"Just two." She answered sweetly.
"Two?" Karkat hissed. "Are you kidding me? We have sixteen people, lady, and-"
"What he means to say, is that we'd like those two rooms for tonight and the next, check out at three-thirty a.m." Vriska interrupted him.
The woman was bewildered. "Um...of course...may I have your ages?"
"All of us are eighteen and nineteen." Kanaya said. "We're on a college trip across the county."
"Oh, how nice!" The woman smiled, completely buying it, "but what about her?" She pointed at Nepeta, who had again fallen asleep in Equius's arms. "She doesn't look that old."
"She's actually thirteen." Tavros interjected. "She's his little sister."
"Ah, I see." The woman said. "Your rooms are room three and four, and that'll be one hundred fifty!" Karkat slammed the money on the counter and snatched the keys, and their party followed off.
"Kanaya, I'm putting you in charge of Room Four, I'll take room three." Karkat said. "Now, I want Egbert, Dave-"
"Boys in Karkat's room, girls in mine." Kanaya interrupted. Everyone nodded and split up, Equius rousing Nepeta and setting her down.
To make matters easier, in Kanaya's room there was Kanaya, Rose, Vriska, Nepeta, Feferi, Aradia, Terezi and Jade, and in Karkat's there was Karkat, Equius, Tavros, Eridan, John, Dave, Sollux, and Gamzee. Easy enough.
"Ok, we have two beds, who here doesn't mind sharing?" Kanaya asked.
"I am purrfectly fine with a cuddle!" Nepeta said.
"As am I." Rose added.
"I would prefer the bathtub, to anything else." Feferi said. Their final arrangements ended up being Vriska on the floor, Nepeta and Jade in a bed, Terezi on the floor, Feferi in the bathtub, Aradia on the floor ("It doesn't bother me," she said very grimly, creeping everyone out) and Rose and Kanaya in a bed. Vriska didn't let that last fact slip over her head. She was very aware of the way they looked at each other, and while she wasn't okay with it she refrained from saying anything as she made her bed out of towels and Nepeta's jacket on the floor. Aradia preferred sleeping flat on her back with nothing to cover her, and to keep Terezi warm the bed girls gave her their top sheets and the bathrobe in the closet. For Feferi, she didn't mind. She simply warmed up the tub with a warm bath before laying down to sleep.
Things were not so easy one door over.
There was an ambush on Equius, attacking him with deodorant and Febreeze, trying desperately to mask his stench. They made him sleep next to naked on a bed of towels to catch his perspiration. Sollux politely refused to share a bed with anyone, whereas Eridan proclaimed that he wouldn't be caught dead in a bed with another man, to which Sollux called him a homophobe, and Eridan threw a punch, and Karkat forced them to sleep on the floor on opposite sides of the room. Boy after boy refused to sleep in a bed with another boy and it became clear that no one wanted to share a bed so they did a raffle to see who would get a bed. Tavros and Gamzee slept on beds, while everyone else was strewn about the room with blankets and sheets and pillow and towels (Karkat slept in the closet).
As the night grew darker and quieter, girl after girl fell asleep, (the first being Nepeta, and the second Feferi). Soon, at ten pm, all slept soundly, save for Kanaya, Rose and Vriska. Vriska stayed quiet and still as a spider watching her prey, listening to the very breath Kanaya pushed out, until finally she heard her voice.
"Rose?" A very faint whisper.
"Yes?" A whisper even fainter answered.
"Today...at the library...that really was real?"
"Yes, of course. Are you alright, Kanaya?"
"Plagued with insomnia."
"I know how you feel. I've stayed up many nights staring at my ceiling like tonight. Except, this is the first time in my life that I've had company to join me." Rose carefully slipped Kanaya's hand into hers.
"How long, Rose?"
"Hmm?"
"How long have you felt this way about me?"
"I can't say." Rose said. "It's been there a while, but I never really realized it until I kissed you. And you?"
"The same. I just never really thought about it."
And then there was a very long silence.
"We're you hurt, Kanaya? By the things they said at the library?"
"More enraged than hurt. It baffles me that people like that walk this earth."
"That's good, I suppose."
"Yes."
Another silence.
"Rose?"
"Yes?"
"We can't let Vriska find out. If we are to pursue these romantic feelings for one another...she can't know."
Vriska was infuriated. She dug her nails into her own chest and seethed in total silence. She wanted to leap up, to scream, "Well, tough luck, because Vriska already knows! Vriska here saw you two snogging like the lovesick bastards you are! Vriska knows good and well and Vriska has never been more angry with you, Kanaya, you double crossing back stabbing bitch! Vriska wonders how you get on with yourself knowing that while you double cross her you double cross Rose, too! Do Vriska's feelings for you mean nothing? Do you care at all? Well Vriska doesn't! Vriska says that after you finish fucking Rose you can fuck yourself, too, because Vriska is over it! Vriska is done!"
"Why Vriska exclusively?" Rose asked.
"Because," Kanaya answered.
"Tell her." Vriska mouthed. "Tell her that if Vriska finds out she will personally bash your teeth out and blind you so you never get to see each other's faces again."
"Because Vriska just gives me so much shit." Kanaya said. "And if she knew she'd just make everything suck."
"I'm sorry, Kanaya." Rose said. "She does tend to do that, doesn't she?"
And then Vriska heard it- the sound of mouth on mouth, of bodies shifting slowly, of little noises of pleasure escaping lips and of hands brushing through hair. Vriska's heart hurt like it had never hurt before. She did all she could not to cry as she waited for their kissing to stop.
Meanwhile, in the boy's room:
"You guys know how motherfuckin waves be all flowy n shit? Like...what if we could swallow an entire fuckin' ocean?" Gamzee droned.
"Oh. My. God. Gamzee. THUT. UP." Sollux groaned into his pillow.
"Nah, man, nah." Gamzee said. "Just, like, let my soothing mother-fucking voice lull you soundly to sleep."
"If you don't shut your goddamn gubbin mouth I will personally come over there and shut it for you!" Eridan hissed.
"Eridan, my man, watch your mother fucking mouth," Gamzee eased again with a hint of creepiness. "What do your fists have against my mother fucking knife here?"
"Whoa, whoa," Karkat poked his head out of the closet. All heads were raised at Gamzee's calm threat on Eridan's life. "Gamzee, you brought your knife? I told you nothing crazy!"
"Mother fucking best friend," Gamzee protested, "he's a prick."
"That's it!" Eridan roared, leaping up from his bed. In the moonlight Gamzee's knife glinted. Karkat hit the lights and there was Gamzee, his knife on Eridan's throat, his mouth hovering just over Eridan's eye.
"Gamzee!" Dave shouted. "Let's slam!"
Gamzee stopped to look at Dave, planted in fighting stance in nothing but his underwear. He opened his hand and dropped the knife, letting go of Eridan as he did. Slowly, with all eyes nervously fixated on him, he came closer to Dave with his arms open. "A slam," he said said. "And I'll spare him."
"Ohmygod, I knew this day would come. I knew my raps would save lives." Dave muttered under his breath. He spoke up. "Alright, Gamzee, you go first."
Around them, the boys rose from their beds and crept around in a circle, watching the deadly rap-off- the first they had ever had with someone's life on the line. "Ahem." Gamzee cleared his throat.
"Had I never spit before
Would I already be out that door?
Or would I stand my Fucking ground,
Would I pound
You into the dirt
The red of your shirt
Pouring from your throat?
So if I may
My mother fucking bro,
Show me some noise,
What do you got?"
Dave paused in anticipation. His life was literally on the line. Rap for your life, Dave, rap for your life!
"Sit down, clown!" He burst.
"Mother fucking juggalo
Asking what I have to show?
More than you will ever know!
Can the whole world hear me?
Do you fear me?
You're nowhere near me!
Sit back, relax
The magnitude of my phat rhymes
You're really not worth my time!
My rhymes are obese
I'll wash all that grease
Up out if your hair!
You'd better be scared!" He was practically shouting, scared absolutely shitless as he spat in the clown's face, spitting rhyme a after rhyme in an upbeat flow. He was winning. He could tell by the hopeful eyes all around him, cheering him on.
"Dare you come up near my friend
Touch that asshole, it'll be your end
It's a miracle you're still alive
I dare you to honk, clown!"
Something in Gamzee's face changed with the mention of a miracle. He stopped cold. He wasn't breathing. Everyone watched in absolute silence. In one instant everyone watched as Gamzee reached out and in the next Gamzee was strangling Dave, slamming him against the wall screaming louder than loud, "blasphemy! Blasphemy!"
"What's going on in here?" Jade shrieked furiously, storming into the room, then laying her eyes upon the soon-to be crime scene. "Dave!" She wailed.
In disbelief the clown dropped him and started towards Jade. His eyes were full of tears and anger, his mouth dripping with what looked like blood. Dave panted against the wall while Karkat checked on him. Gamzee's hand reached out to the petrified Jade, caressing her cheek in the creepiest of ways. His mouth opened.
"Rap, Jade..." Dave choked. "Rap for your life!"
"Rap?!" Jade squeaked. "But I don't know how!"
Gamzee was inches from her now, his mouth wide open and drooling on her shoulder. He held her gently by the waist and the back of her head, like a lover. He was preparing to take a bite out of her neck, and with a jaw that strong he could probably do it.
"Jutht do it!" Sollux cried.
"It's the only way to get through to him!" Tavros added.
"Jade, please!" Karkat cried. But Jade couldn't. Tavros rushed foreward, trying to tackle Gamzee but only narrowly dodging a knife to the tummy. He kept trying in vain. Gamzee was going after his prey. No one could save her now. Just as his mouth was nearly kissing her neck she cried out:
"You're a really good clown!" She exclaimed in a panic. Gamzee paused. Everyone nodded at her to keep going.
"And...um..." As she stalled Gamzee's surprise faded and he went back. She realized that she had to act fast.
"Whenever I was...feeling down!" She said in triumph. Everyone nodded like a cheer. Gamzee slowly backed away.
"You picked me back up,
Like...um...a happy pup!" She smiled. Gamzee gave her a look like he couldn't believe the words leaving her mouth.
"Dave didn't mean it,
He wasn't being true
Don't be sad, Gamzee!
We all love you!" She finished. Gamzee stared at her. This was it. The life or death moment. Would he take it? Was she as good as dead?
"Honk." She said hurriedly. Gamzee then threw his strong arms around her and hugged her as tight as a snake.
"Honk." Gamzee tearfully agreed. "Ho-o-onk..." He cried into her shoulder. Jade struggled not to fall over as she tried to rub his back comfortingly. Everyone joined into the hug and soon Gamzee was being embraced by seven other half naked boys. Jade giggled as boy after boy high fived her.
"I can't believe you did it." Dave said. "That was the worst fucking rap I have ever heard and it saved all of our lives."
"Aww, come on." Jade faked bashfulness. Dave high fived her. When Jade saw Tavros she gave him an enormous hug, thanking him for his bravery.
Karkat had never loved her more.