eleven
It was the second Sunday in a row that Tyler had missed church, and that had never happened before. One Sunday, sure. He'd been on a plane or a road trip or in Florida or had the flu. He'd missed a Sunday here and there. But never had he missed two Sundays in a row, and Tyler would be lying if he said he didn't feel guilty. Actually, it would be an understatement if he said he was just guilty. He was majorly guilty. He'd woken up at six am and prayed for four hours until Gerard woke up.
"You guys are a real delight," Josh said when he came over.
Tyler knew what was wrong with him- he was guilty and, honestly, didn't want to miss church. But Gerard, on the other hand, was a complete mystery to him. He'd seemed progressively more upset on Saturday, especially when he'd asked Mikey something and only gotten a cold glare in return. Tyler didn't know what he and Mikey had argued about on Friday night, but apparently it was serious enough for Mikey to ignore Gerard.
Gerard seemed miserable. And exhausted. Tyler knew he slept worse than usual Friday night. And even worse the last. Gerard was usually a restless sleeper. Tyler would hear him tossing and turning every time he woke up, or muttering things under his breath. But it was worse that weekend, and Tyler had tried to ask about it and Gerard just waved him off.
Tyler was glad Josh was there, though. He made him feel a little better. Tyler was leaning against Josh, talking to him softly about basketball positions when Gerard stood up abruptly and said, "I'm gonna shower," and then walked out of his room.
This, admittedly, was weird and out of character. Gerard usually would make a snarky comment like, "don't bone each other while I'm gone," or "as long as it's not in my bed, I don't care". He didn't say anything like that. Just got up and left.
It was weirder, and even more out of character, when Mikey came into the room, wide eyed and panicked looking, and shakily said, "Josh." Mikey always tried to act older than he was, maybe because he practically took care of Gerard, or maybe because he practically idolized Gerard. Either way, it was definitely uncharacteristic of him to seem nervous, so Josh immediately stood up and asked what he needed.
"Gerard has been in the shower for an hour," Mikey said.
Gerard was always in the shower for a long time. Tyler didn't see why this was a problem. Apparently neither did Josh, because he just stared at Mikey.
"He locked the door," Mikey urged. Josh still didn't say anything. "Dammit Josh, he's upset, I can't break the door down."
Realization dawned on Josh's face and he bolted out of the door, and Tyler stood up and followed more slowly. By the time he got to the bathroom, Josh had almost broken down the door by repeatedly slamming into it. Mikey was standing nearby. His phone was in hand, thumb hovering over the device, like he was poised and ready to call someone.
Josh finally got the door open and rushed in, his panicked voice yelling, "call the fucking number Mikey!"
Tyler saw why when he stepped into the bathroom, and it turned his blood cold. Josh was pulling a very clearly unconscious Gerard out of the bathtub. The redhead was still fully clothed- skinny jeans and leather jacket and everything. The water was tinted slightly red. There was an empty needle lying next to the bathtub. Tyler's ears started ringing.
-
Josh hated hospitals. He had for three, almost four years. He was thirteen when he was first a visitor. Gerard's wounds hadn't been bad, not that time, but the experience scarred him in more ways than one. It scarred Josh too.
A year later, Gerard tried again. Josh sat by his bedside day and night. Gerard had drank himself nearly to death. Josh blamed himself for not doing more when Gerard told him he was an alcoholic.
When Gerard woke up that time, he apologized to Josh.
"I promised you I wouldn't try again."
"You made it a year. I'm proud of you."
Gerard's next words had been sharp and bitter.
"You shouldn't be proud of me for not offing myself. Living with depression isn't a fucking battle. It's not brave. I feel pathetic."
Last time, Josh hadn't even known. He still didn't know everything.
This time, it was worse than the first three combined. Mikey sat in an uncomfortable waiting room chair, head buried in his hands, muttering rushed words through choked sobs. His crying became louder when the doctor told them that the cuts hadn't nearly killed him, the heroin in his system had. Tyler sat, staring straight ahead, dazed. Josh knew he should do something. Comfort him. Kiss him. Tell him it was okay. But Josh couldn't stop pacing. The tears were streaming quietly down his face.
A nurse came out of the room after several hours and looked at the grim trio. "One of you can go in."
Josh looked around. Tyler was unresponsive. Mikey still wouldn't look up, and he was shaking his head violently. Josh took a shaky, deep breath and stepped into the room.
It was so familiar. Everything looked exactly the same. It had the first two times, too. Josh was sure it had the third time, too. Gerard looked over at Josh when he walked in. Josh's breath was caught in his throat. He was choking back a sob.
"I'm sorry, Josh," Gerard said hoarsely as Josh pulled up a chair next to the bed. "For not telling you. About the drugs."
Josh shook his head, unable to talk through the tears for a minute. He looked up eventually, vision blurry. "How long?"
"A few months," Gerard admitted. "Mikey found out on Friday. Wouldn't talk to me."
It dawned on Josh that was probably why Mikey seemed so guilty.
"It's okay," Josh said, feeling stupid. 'It's okay' was probably the last thing someone who just tried to commit suicide wanted to hear.
"No it's not."
Josh stared at him hopelessly. He felt like he was flailing in midair. He really didn't know what to say to make Gerard feel better. He rarely did.
"It's not okay, because I lied to you, and I lied to Mikey, and I told you both I wouldn't try again, and-" Gerard's speech broke off. He was crying. Josh tried not to let that fact make him cry harder.
"I'm going to help you get out of this, Gerard. I promise. You're my best friend and I- god, Gerard, I love you. Please stop scaring me like this."
-
Josh had stayed for an hour or so before the nurses had chased him out. Mikey didn't come in. Tyler came in around three thirty in the morning when Gerard was half asleep, and talked to him for a bit before Tyler had run out of words and softly sang until Gerard fell asleep. Mikey didn't come in. The nurses woke him up an hour later to ask him about his therapist. Mikey didn't come in.
Someone came in around seven am, and Gerard's hopes only got an inch up off the ground before he saw who it was. Same lanky figure as Mikey- nearly same haircut, just darker hair.
"Hey, Gerard, I- uh, I brought you- I brought you these flowers. My mom, um, she gardens. She always calls these weeds, but I think they're cool. So, yeah, I brought you flowers."
Wow. Gerard had never heard Brendon Urie stutter.
"I see that. Why are you awake?"
Brendon set the flowers (fresh picked little daisies, by the look of them) down on the little bedside table and sat on the chair next to Gerard's bed. "I couldn't sleep. I was worried. My mom wouldn't let me leave until the morning, though," he said, sheepishly.
"You didn't have to come."
Brendon looked slightly taken aback. "I can leave, I mean, if you want, if you don't want me to be here."
"No, I want you to be here."
This answer surprised Gerard himself, if he was being honest.
"I'm just surprised you're here, I guess."
Brendon smiled sort of nervously at him and rested his hand on Gerard's.
"Brendon?"
"Yeah?" Brendon sounded sort of hopeful. It almost made Gerard smile.
"These flowers are weeds."