Chapter 3
Your name is Karkat Vantas and you are in a stupid amount of pain. Okay, it’s better described as soreness, and it’s your own damn fault anyways. Plus it’s a reminder of the ridiculous kismesis sex you had yesterday. Really, you have no reason to be complaining about it, and you should stop being such a wriggler and get your shit together. Getting your shit together involves the figurative and literal sense in this case. You’re in the process of moving out of your shared respiteblock with Dave in favor of an empty one in Kanaya’s hivestem. It’ll definitely be quieter over there, since the only occupants are Rose and Kanaya, who share a room, and Dirk. You think that being closer to Dirk will do a little something to piss Dave off, and that pleases you almost to the point of providing motivation to get moving.
Almost.
Yeah, fuck it, your legs are too sore to keep moving right now. You plop yourself down on the floor in the living room, beside all of your belongings. Maybe you’ll nap, and then continue moving. Besides, it’s currently three in the morning, you doubt anyone will care if you’re lazing around in the common area with all the shit you own.
Your eyes close, and you swear it stings. You’ve been awake for so long you’ve forgotten what day it is. It takes seven deep inhales and exhales for your mind to drift into unconsciousness. It is not long after that when you’re startled awake by a fucking cat walking right across your face.
“Oh fuck me,” you groan, opening your eyes to swat at the beast. A growl rumbles in your chest as you sit up, and you’re sure you’ve reached a state of being that is pure exhaustion and annoyance.
“Sorry,” whispers a soft voice, making you startle. You glare in the direction of the noise, your eyes glinting through the darkness to see a figure half hidden in the hallway. At first glance, your blood pusher fucking drops in your chest because you swear it looks just like Nepeta.
“Wrangle your purr beast,” you grumble.
“We both know it’s called a cat,” they smirk as they shuffle towards you. “Looks like he likes you though.”
The prickle of claws on your thigh draws your attention down to the cat, and you watch as the black ball of fur curls up against your lap. You try to shove it away, but it only readjusts and rests its head on your knee. You did not ask for a cuddle buddy, goddamnit, but you’re too tired to argue.
“Fine, fuck, whatever,” you sigh in defeat. You let yourself fall unceremoniously back down on the floor, effectively knocking the wind out of your lungs for a brief moment. You can’t even bring yourself to care.
“I thought I heard someone out here…didn’t realize you were moving uh…stuff,” Davepeta is still talking to you, circling around to lean against the only arm of the couch which is not piled with your shit.
“Yeah,” you respond without opening your eyes. “There’s a spare room in Kanaya and Rose’s hivestem, I look forward to the fucking peace and quiet.”
“Won’t be a lack of purr beasts there though,” they say, tone so thick with snark that you can picture the smirk they must be sporting at your expense. “I’m pretty sure one of Rose’s cats is pregnant now too.”
“Oh that’s just great, congratu-fucking-lations, I look forward to getting the disgusting fur of her spawn all over everything I own.” You rub the heels of your palms against your eyes, and you see nothing but static for a few disorienting seconds, during which you can hear stifled giggles and shuffling footsteps. The weight of the cat is lifted from you, and when your vision returns, you see Davepeta sitting beside you, purr beast in their lap.
“Can I ask why you’re moving then?” they say. “Since you don’t seem too thrilled about being around more cats.”
“It’s generally not a good idea to live in the same respiteblock as one’s kismesis,” you groan in embarrassment. You can feel the heat on your cheeks, and you’re so fucking glad that human eyes can’t see very well in the dark.
“You and Dave…really?” they whisper, sounding surprised.
“Yeah, fucking really,” you sigh, sitting up to face them. “Apparently all that quadrant blurring settled us in the opposite fucking corner from where we started.”
“You used to be moirails?”
“Yeah.”
“Wow…” They’re still staring at you, wide eyes practically glinting through the dim light. There’s a flash as the mutant purr beast blinks at you as well, and for a moment you wonder if it can understand your humiliation too.
“I really don’t want to talk about my stupidity, so could we just fucking drop it?” You rub at your eyes again, and they still fucking sting.
“Sure thing,” they say, suddenly rising to their feet. The beast shifts in their arms, getting more comfortable you presume, while they walk towards the door.
“Where the fuck are you going?” you ask. “It’s the middle of the night.”
“No rules here on Alterni-Earth,” they snark back. “Going for a walk…you wanna come with?”
You sit up fully and stare at them for another few seconds. The way all your shit is piled up around you, boxes upon boxes, carelessly packed because you were in a rush, it’s pretty stressful to even be in the same room as this stuff. You decide, fuck it. They’re right, this is your world. There’s no more curfew, no more fear of being culled for being out too late (or early). You huff out a sigh as you rise to your feet and follow them through the door.
There is something stupidly peaceful about the night sky. It’s a deep blue with pinpricks of stars permeating the darkness, and beyond the horizon, you can see a stretch of the galaxy bowed across the sky. It really is beautiful, you realize, you haven’t taken the time to appreciate all the creations of this new universe. It’s almost startling to believe that your friends did this- people who you’ve known for over a sweep, who are the same age as you, and yet possess the powers of gods. Your footsteps slow as this thought sticks in your mind, and you stare up at the stars.
“Jade did a hell of a job, huh?”
You glance over to see Davepeta looking up at the sky beside you. In the pale light of the twin moons, you could swear their profile is identical to Nepeta’s, but the glint in their eyes is too light of a green to match hers, and their smirk is the same one that Dave wears. Your chest suddenly hurts, and you wonder if coming out here with them was a mistake.
“I wish I could have made it work with her,” they say, turning back towards the horizon. “Pretty sure she’s unattainable though.”
“You’re still flushed for her?” you ask. Because yeah, gossip that isn’t about your own relationships will always cheer you up.
“Oh, no, not really,” they answer, glancing at you for a moment. “Just…I was so flushed for her in the past, it kinda lingers now, you know?”
Images of Terezi cross your mind without your permission, and you frown. “Yeah, I know exactly what you mean.”
You follow in silence as they walk towards the edge of the forest, keeping to the brush around the outside. After a minute, you end up at the mossy shore of a small pond, the opposite side of which leads into a clearing in the forest. The water shimmers in the moonlight, and you can vaguely make out the shadows of fish just below the surface. The purr beast pounces off of Nep’s shoulder and stalks up to the water.
“She likes to hunt here,” they say. You nod in response, and watch the cat.
Something about the primal actions of the beast help keep your head clear, and you’re silently thankful for that. You stare as her paws bat playfully at the water for a moment before she decides to stalk a particular fish and pounce at it. The violet blood of the fish splashes across the cat’s claws as she tears into it. The sight makes your stomach sink, and you have to look away.
“Sorry,” Nep says is a quiet voice. “I forgot…the Blood thing.”
“Blood thing?” you glare questioningly.
“Your aspect,” they say. “Physical blood is linked to the bonds…I imagine that’s hard when you’ve lost so many friends.”
“Oh. I guess.” Fuck, your chest really hurts again. You swallow down the rising panic and watch as the cat washes the violet from her face. “I never really understood my aspect,” you admit. “It sounds like a bunch of bullshit, honestly. Might have been different if I got any use out of it though.”
“You don’t think you got use out of it?” they ask, reaching down to pluck a stone from the bay.
“I’m not one of the flying assholes in god pajamas, am I?” you glare. “Whatever the fuck a blood player is supposed to do, I didn’t get any of it. I meant to ask Kankri but it’s not like that conversation would lead anywhere even if I had the fucking chance to start it.”
“Kankri was a Seer of Blood,” they say as they flick the stone at the water. It skips twice before sinking below the surface, and you watch as the fish nearby scatter. “He could remember his previous incarnation because of it…could remember all the bonds that his former self had. You’re a Knight of Blood, completely different. Even if you had gotten the chance to suffer through that conversation with him, you wouldn’t have learned anything about yourself.”
“And what are you, the Knower of All Knowledge or some shit?” you snap back.
They just giggle at you, which you really didn’t expect as a response to your rudeness. You shut your mouth and turn towards the pond again, spotting the black cat as she stalks another fish near the opposite bay.
“If I were in the Game as I am now, I would be a Mage of Heart,” they say with confidence.
“You’re that sure?” you ask, glancing over at them.
“I used to be a Sprite, I know this stuff,” they say with a nod and a small smirk that resembles Dave’s a little too much for your liking. “I would definitely be a heart player, since that aspect is closely related to splintered souls…like, Dirk.”
“And the Mage thing?”
“Mages are like the other side of the coin to Seers,” they explain. “It’s like…I can tell where a soul or a pair of souls is bound to fit best, but instead of being able to explicitly see it, I just sort of…make it happen.” Nep blinks up at you, and you can’t ignore the scarlet blush across their cheeks. A heavy silence goes on for too long before they speak again.
“Of course that’s just speculation,” they shrug and turn back towards the water. “Wouldn’t really know unless we entered a new session.”
Nep flicks another stone and you watch as it skips across the water, one…two…three times, before it sinks.
“Well…I really fucking hope we don’t end up finding a new session here,” you say honestly. “I’m so beyond all that bullshit, having to go through two and a half fucking games just to come out of it alive with less than half my team…didn’t even become a fucking god tier.” You chuck a stone at the water and it sinks unceremoniously. Out of the corner of your eye, you see the cat flinch in surprise.
“You weren’t supposed to.”
“I know I wasn’t supposed to, that’s the most frustrating fucking part of it,” you groan, glaring at the water. “The success of our timeline was contingent on me being a total fuck up, getting my friends killed, and being as far away from the final battle as possible so I wouldn’t accidentally screw that up too. Every god version of myself I’ve met has been dead and doomed and useless. Every single version of myself is idiotic and unhappy and worthless, and I’m the biggest piece of shit of them all.”
The world is getting blurry, and you realize it’s because you’re going to cry. There’s a burning in the pit of your stomach, and you sink down to the ground, sitting on the damp moss. You curl your knees up to your chest, clutching a rock as you fold your arms in front of your face. You want to hide, but you know you can’t. Translucent pink tears stream down your cheeks, and it takes every ounce of self-control you have not to start sobbing.
“I’m fucking cancerous,” you mutter. “It’s written in the stars.”
“You’re right.”
You pause, turn to stare and blink the tears from your eyes because you’re pretty sure you heard them wrong. They’re looking out at the water as the reflection of the sun shimmers on the horizon.
“You fucked up,” they continue. “Because you had to fuck up. It was part of the Game, I’m not going to lie to you about that. But you also did a lot of good.” They turn to look at you, a small smile on their face that is neither Nepeta’s nor Dave’s; it’s all their own.
You must have been staring like a bulge-fondling creep for longer than you realized (your vision does that weird, fuzzy thing that usually leads into a flashback or daydream, but your mind is just full of him and her and them), and you snap back into focus as Nep is stretching out their shoulders. You can see the way their shoulder-blades pop in and out of their place, the light of the twin moons glinting off the smooth scars mirroring either side of their spine. Passively, you wonder if they miss being able to fly, not just like a god or a sprite, but like a graceful beast. From what you can recall, their wingspan was impressive.
“Anyway, that’s how I know you’ll be fine,” they say, suddenly breaking the silence. “Whether or not my aspect is correct, I like to think my knowledge on The Game offers me enough wisdom to say I know what I’m talking about. And…as a Heart player, I can feel the bonds…” They cross their arms as if they’re cold, looking out at the water as their purr beast slinks back towards you. “I can tell you and Dave are part of the same piece. You two belong together, one way or another. Despite whatever jealousy I’ve gotta deal with, I know it’s right that you’ve got him.”
That’s…fuck, that’s kind of fucking beautiful. But…
“Wait, jealousy?” you question.
They try and fail to hide the blush rising to their cheeks. “Obviously,” they half scoff, half sigh. “Seventy percent of me is made up of two individuals who were stupidly in love with you.”
“Oh.” You feel your own face heat up, and turn your attention towards the cat pawing at your shoes. The pit of self-loathing is still churning in your stomach, and you frown. “Well, I hope you get over it, nothing good ever comes from being with me.”
“That’s the stupidest thing you’ve said,” they say as they sit beside you. “Dave is beyond lucky to have you, as a matesprit or kismesis, or…anything.” There’s that individualized smile again, as they shyly stare at you with their dichromatic eyes. “And you’re still with Rose, right?”
You tear your gaze away from theirs as another stab of pain hits your core. “Who fucking knows,” you mutter. “It’s half her fault things got so fucked up with Dave…I haven’t talked to her since that shit show.”
“Rose knows what she’s doing,” they say. “She’s a Seer…whatever outcomes happen, she knows they’re coming…”
There’s another minute of silence, and a soft breeze rustles the leaves of the trees across the pond. You wonder if that means John is awake, or if his wind is just constantly flowing through the atmosphere regardless of his doing. The cat by your feet is batting at your shoelace, mewling when one of her claws get caught on it momentarily. You reach down to help her free, but your hand meets Davepeta’s as you both go for the cat’s paw.
“Sorry,” they mutter, freeing their cat. The beast leaps into their lap and curls up, but their hand still lingers beneath yours.
Your bloodpusher is pounding as you feel their pulse under yours, and their recent words ring through your head. Rose knows what she’s doing…whatever outcomes happen, she knows they’re coming… You wonder if your cunning moirail did all this on purpose, made you and Dave flip quadrants, if she knew that Nep would find you, that you would go with them and talk about all the shit you’ve been going through… A small grin finds your lips, because of course you’re sure she did this on purpose, she’s Rose fucking Lalonde. She’s twelve steps ahead of everyone else in this world.
You turn your hand over and slide the skin of your palm against Nep’s. Compared to you, they’re cold, but there’s a spark just beneath the surface that you can’t ignore. Your fingers intertwine with theirs, and you’re surprised at how easily they lock into place.
“There was a while when I pitied Nepeta,” you admit. Your voice is low and rough, heavy with exhaustion. “All my shit with Terezi fucked any chance of that up though, and then she died…”
They squeeze your hand. “She knows,” they say. “She’s okay with nothing coming of it though…dying makes you realize that certain things are supposed to happen, whether we like it or not.”
You passively wonder if they can access the memories of Nepeta and Davesprite, but decide now is not the best time to continue that conversation. Your chest aches, anxiety bubbling up in your throat to stop you from speaking anyways.
“I…I still pity you,” they say softly. Their hand is clammy in yours, trembling slightly, while the other rests on the cat’s head. The beast is purring, adding to the background noise of bugs and birds chirping around in the trees. “Nothing has to come of it, I just…I feel better admitting it. Shit hurts when you have to hide it, ya know?”
Yeah, you know. Fuck, do you know.
You give their hand another squeeze, tugging lightly until they turn towards you. The light of the rising sun makes their eyes shimmer, drawing your attention to that thick slice of amber among the sparkling green. Their expression is so open, unimposing and innocent in a way that reminds you of the pieces that they are made up of. They’re like a puzzle with warn edges that keep falling out of place, and you’re compelled to hold them together. The pity swells in your throat, and when you swallow it feels like a thick lump of emotions clogging your words.
“Karkat?” Their hand is trembling a bit as it inches out of your grip.
For the first time in forever, you can’t make yourself find the words you want to speak. You’re stupidly quiet as you stare into their eyes and lean forward, the warmth radiating from your own body and bouncing off theirs. Their lips are cold, but their breath is hot against your mouth. The kiss only lasts for a couple seconds before you’re pulling away, still staring with wide eyes.
It is still for a horrifying twelve beats of your heart before they’re leaning in to press your lips together again. Your pulse is racing against theirs, fingers laced together and squeezing away any space between your hands. The world turns without you noticing. The heat of your blood and the chill of their skin echo through your mind. Before you realize how long it’s been, the sun is warming your eyelids, and the moss beneath you is drying. The two of you open your eyes and stare in silence as the world around you begins to wake.
The rest of the morning is just as peaceful and soft, the fluttering of creatures around the pond offering a background to the kisses and whispers shared between the two of you. You passively remind yourself to thank Rose later, because you know you wouldn’t be experiencing this much tranquility without the help of her meddling.