Clued Up
That day you died in her arms destroyed her more than the Red Room had ever. She had no power then, but when you took your last breath she felt as if there could've been some way to save you. Some way to take the bullet. Director Fury had given her the mission and she failed herself. On the day she couldn't protect you, she held her tears of regret inside. Now today was your funeral. Natasha had been up for hours sitting in bed just dreading this day. She had no willpower to go. No willpower to eat, sleep or dress. If Clint and Laura hadn't been there for her, she would've been still wearing the same clothes the day she lost you. She had became weak but didn't understand why. Regimes fell everyday. So why did it hurt so much this time?
"Nat, we don't...but...I think you should," a voice washed Natasha's room. She shook her head rapidly in distaste already knowing where this suggestion was heading towards.
"You know I can't Clint," she croaked. "I'm her killer. Her family will be there. They'll look at me in horror and anger for attending but not being able to save her."
Her best friend sat beside her. His arm lifted then lowered knowing damn well a hug meant nothing to her, "Tasha, what happened wasn't your fault. You had no idea the guy was going to-"
"Well I should've. I was once a KGB and a SHIELD agent."
The room returned to silence. The dark thoughts you had pushed far away had crawled back in Natasha's head. How was the Russian supposed to live without you now? Her tears began to blur her vision. You were the first lover she actually trusted enough to open up to. Now you were gone. Clint reached under the bed and handed her a white box. It was small and a bit light. The redhead gave her friend a puzzled look. "I saw (Y/n) put this under here once. I don't know what's in here but judging your facial expression I'm guessing you don't either." He gave Natasha a pat on the lap and left her alone again. Natasha couldn't count the minutes she had been staring at the box on both hands. Slowly her fingers dipped inside the opening and a black binder sat inside all alone. She pulled it out and began to ran her fingers all over it. She opened it and covered her mouth but it didn't stop a gasp. You had secretly been putting together of a scrapbook of the two of you for what seemed like years. Pictures from your first sleepover together all the way to the day before her death. Every page turn brought back a memory and rekindled feelings. Natasha lost control of her tears. She had been looking for any type of search for your love and it had been under your shared bed the whole time. Occasionally she'd pull out a picture of you two smiling together from its place and hold it against her chest as she sobbed quietly. You looked so happy and full of life. Your smiling face reminded her of a tiny star. You had always been shining so brightly. Nat wiped her tears and let out a chortle at the last picture. You both had been laying in bed watching late night cartoons; your face was pressed against her bare shoulder looking straight into the camera. Natasha was smiling softly at the camera while holding it. The Avenger took it out of its slide, kissed it, and folded into her pocket and promised to treasure it forever. A sudden shuffle and muffled meowing broke her train of thought. Your cat Jupiter had come out of its hiding spot and rubbed its owner's leg. "Where have you been all this time little one?" She picked her up and kissed the cat while petting it. Jupiter meowed and Natasha sighed, "I miss her too. Clint!" She called out over a few minutes of silence. Heavy footsteps approached her room and appeared the owner of the name. Each gave each other silent nods and walked out.
____________
"I'm just gonna go leave these for her while I let you stay here." Natasha didn't move. She let Clint do his own thing while she stared at her dead girlfriend's casket. She thought this would be a lot easier to sit through if she had come for one last goodbye while everyone was gone. It was not. Staring down below at the top of the hill while crouching down as Clint awkwardly walked down to drop off your roses he bought. She watched him stand in front of the grave as if he were talking to it. Sighing out loud while looking up to the purplish sunset sky, she pulled out the picture one last time.
"Can you hear my voice calling out my love? I guess your mumbo-jumbo astrology was right. The stars decided our paths were different from each other. Such a shame really, it was obvious we were meant for each other. Although I am still feeling pain, I won't forget about you sweetheart. You are the one I love the most and even though it hurts, from here on now I look out and see the desert daybreak. Words nor actions will ever express how sorry I am over not having you still alive with me... and though I was so clued up with the grief of all this I finally have come into terms with things. In life, sometimes there's beauty, sometimes there's pain. Sometimes there's sunshine and sometimes there's rain. I love you so much (Y/n) (L/n)." With those final words Natasha stood up and fished in her pocket. She pulled out the engagement ring she had been planning to give you for two months now and chucked it at a pond nearby. She watched it sink and looked back to Clint who began walking towards her direction.
"Ready?" He asked.
"Ready." She nodded.