Hold on to me, cause I'm a little unsteady
"Hi there! I hope you had a great day, Bones!!!! Now it will morph into a PERFECT day, cause you can hear my voice and.....
No....fuck this....
Hi, Bones!
I hope you are alright....I hope you are still with the Enterprise! I hope you do everything for the crew with all that badass-med-magic-talent you got...and....I hope there are people for you...Who can take care of your grumpy, but of course charming as grumpy, self....
Yeah, I really hope this.
I know there will be no answer for this. So I just...eh....
Yeah, I know it sucks to just listen to my stupid mumbling and not being able to understand at all where I'm going or see any reason behind this step of mine...Aaaand not being able to yell at me and make me shut up...
And I know I am the one, the unreliable, the traitor, who left! I know!!!
But I miss you so much....Bones, I miss you. I miss you.
You have no idea how much I miss you...
Do you have any idea how is it possible to feel pain, real, physical, messed-up pain because of missing someone? Some nights I just curl up in my bed and honest to God cry! Because it hurts! My chest, my gut, all of my muscles...
I miss you.
And I miss the Enterprise. The ship, the rules, the messages, the missions, the work, the landings, the discoveries!! The hallways...The colours of the walls, all that white and sounds of the engines....The chair........
Spock's eyebrows and lectures, I even miss those! Uhura's wit...Scotty's madness with our lady! Your badass nurses! All that....
I don't think you can have the slightest idea about how I am for real. Cause this is crazy. I feel like...some parts of mine were torn out. And I am so lost. And at the same time I am fine. Smiling and radiating my awesomeness. There is so much to do always. There are so many of us! And this ship is huge! And the people here...aw...hm...well....I cannot describe this place's teamwork! There are no words!
But it is not like Starfleet at all. And I mean it like sometimes it is a bad thing...This...living-together-so-freely is great, but...there is a dark side. Here, everything and everyone serves one aim. If you are not okay with it, you are a nobody. And nobodies should not take up place here....
At first I couldn't see this.
Starfleet has...many aims. And more...mercy...
I feel like...like....like I am always alone somehow here. I think I do matter to these guys, but not the way I mattered at the 'fleet...Here were run together, forming a group. Out or necessity....or...or....that's the nature of the thing. It is better to work that way, easier to reach our goal, as a group, you see.
When you are with the 'fleet, you have a group. You are in a group. You are part of a group.
Fuck....I don't even know what I'm rumbling about....Sorry.
I am not saying I wanna go back, Bones! No...I just...I would love to have all the things I had there here.
I wouldn't change anything! I made this decision!
And...eh....fuck.....there is no way back after all the things we did.........
And we cannot stop.
I never...never-ever believed I could do things like....
No. No, don't listen to me. I don't even wanna really talk about this.
Sorry.
I wanted to tell you one more thing. It is important. Life was unfair to you. And that bitch who took away everything from you? She should rot in Hell! Because you deserved...good things, Bones! I mean it! I think you didn't hear this enough times. Or you don't hear this enough times. But this is the truth! And I think you should have heard this from me a lot earlier and many, many, many times!
And I am sorry that you didn't. I know you acted like you are though and uncaring about life breaking you...and like this whole tragedy is not worth mentioning...and you are fine...and fuck it all, I was a fool to let this happen that way....I shouldn't have let it slip away like that.
You deserved to hear it! That I am sorry for all those horrible things, for your loss, for your pain! I am sorry still! And you deserved better, much better things. A better life!!
You have to know this, Bones.
Life is short. Maybe our times will run out tomorrow! Or during the next two minutes! Time is not something that should be wasted and things which should be said out loud? No one should drown them in silence, because...of pride? Or being afraid of....well, what exactly?
The sky is beautiful here, Bones. I wish you could be here with me to see. It is...like a fantasy. So many colours. And they are really powerful but soft too.
It is something I will never forget.
Hey...Bones? Can I ask you something? I know I left you....I know I cannot really ask anything anymore.
Hell, maybe you aren't even listening to this! Maybe you deleted it in the very second you realized what Starfleet's center landed there for you.....
But....if you hear me......Can I ask you one last thing?
Please don't forget me........"
End of message