You'll Always Find The Light

Haru stared at the ceiling for a long time after he'd said goodnight and climbed into bed. The second hand on the clock on the wall was the only indicator of the hours passing. Aomine's words from hours earlier rolled through his head unbidden.

"I'm just trying to say I understand what it's like to stop loving your sport even though it literally defines you. I know what it's like to lose friends from getting too good too fast. I know what it's like to let it all get to your head and to stop trying for the friends that really matter."

Haru frowned at the ceiling, rolling fully onto his back and splaying his hands across his stomach under the sweatshirt. He drummed them thoughtfully across his abs. Is that really how I feel? Did he really not love swimming anymore? ...No. Haru shook his head. Swimming was as important to him as breathing. Moving through the water gave him a sense of freedom he couldn't find anywhere else in his life.

Haru's fingers paused their drumming on his stomach. His frown deepened as he recognised that thought for the lie it was the second it finished. That... Wasn't strictly true anymore. If anything, Haru had never felt more restrained or imprisoned in his life. The idea of swimming- of competing. He shook his head more firmly as he felt his expression twist. He scowled, willing the distressed expression away. When he failed he rolled onto his side and shoved his face into the pillow. The harder he tried not to think about, to not admit it, the louder the thought became. If Haru didn't have swimming...

...Then who am I?

Haru sat up abruptly, his breathing harsh and ragged. He pressed a hand to his chest, willing the sudden tightness away. He wasn't like Nagisa, Rei, or even... He swallowed thickly and let out a haggard groan, pressing the heels of his palms into his temples as he screwed his eyes shut tighter. He wasn't even like Makoto. I'm nothing like him. Haru's hands slid upwards and he fisted his hands in dark locks. Unlike them he had no other choices, nothing else he'd want to pursue as a career, nothing else he could pursue as a career. Swimming was all he had. But he wasn't like Rin who had dreams of greatness. Haru just wanted to swim. But not like Rin did. Not like how everyone around him wanted him to, expected him to.

All he wanted was to be free.

Haru's breathing was harsh, coming faster than he could control it. He drew his knees to his chest as he tore the sweatshirt from his body. He wrapped his arms tightly around his torso. His fingers gripped his skin harshly. He felt cold at the same time he felt too hot in his skin. He felt himself shaking under his fingers and desperately tried to stop it. He felt overwhelmed. He felt terrified. He felt...

He felt like he was drowning.

Haru stood abruptly and briskly walked to the bathroom. He had half a mind to not slam any of the doors on his way through them but he closed them with more force than strictly necessary. Haru usually swam to clear his head but now he couldn't help the visceral urge to avoid it. The swimmer filled the sink and splashed some water on his face. He hadn't felt this helpless since his grandmother passed, but even then he had Makoto by his side. 

You're not alone this time either.

His head snapped up and he came face to face with his reflection. Aomine had offered to talk, or at least to listen. Haru pursed his lips. He didn't know how serious the offer was but... Haru couldn't quite see Aomine making empty promises. He glanced over at the bathtub. The urge was significant. But he shook his head against it. He'd have his thoughtful bath session in the morning at a more reasonable hour. Haru eventually found it in him to walk out the bathroom and head back to his room. He found himself pausing, however, when he paused Aomine's door. Haru wasn't much for conversation but, at the very least he could use some company. 

He found himself knocking on Aomine's door before he'd even completed the thought. Silence stretched on and knocked his knuckle against his temple before he rubbed his eyes. It was late. Of course the man would be sleeping. He shook his head. They could talk in the morning. Haru had just turned away from the door when Aomine's voice drifted into the hallway. It was rough and thick with sleep. "Come... Come in."

Haru paused again before he grasped the door handle. The man was awake now, he might as well go in.

***

Aomine ran his hand through his bed mussed hair as he propped himself up on an elbow, facing the door. He watched it swing open and watched as the moonlight from his still open window caught the pale, equally shirtless figure of Haruka Nanase. The Aomine household was warm enough that neither needed shirts. 

Aomine rubbed the sleep out of his eyes as his gaze tracked over the man, pausing in various places. He stared at where his sweatpants, a few sizes too big, hung low on well defined hips. His gaze traced over incredibly defined abs, over firm pectorals, across sharp collarbones and well toned shoulders. The man truly had a swimmer's body. His gaze tracked upwards and he caught sight of stray water droplets on the man's hair and neck catching the moonlight.

It took his half asleep brain to stop blatantly ogling Haru and to realise the man was actually talking to him. He watched as the man shifted, rubbing his arm awkwardly. Although he'd never admit it, it took Aomine a significant amount of brain power to stop tracking the way the man's lean muscles moved under pale skin whenever he shifted. He shook his head and waved him over. "Yeah, yeah, come on in." As he got closer, Aomine noticed the slight trembling of Haru's fingers and the dark rings under his eyes. That sobered him up really quickly. Aomine quickly stood and placed a firm, grounding hand on the man's arm. "Are you okay?" 

Haru stared at the ground for a long moment before glancing up at the taller man. He shook his head as he let his gaze drop. "No, not really." 

Aomine sat and gently tugged the man's arm so he was sitting beside him. "I guess you wanna talk about it huh?" he offered with a light teasing undertone that did nothing to lighten the mood, but Haru appreciated the effort. He sat up against the wall his bed was against, Haru following suit. "So what's eating at ya?"

Haru didn't take his eyes off the ceiling, fiddling with his hands as he thought. "Well," He eventually began, finally settling on a place to start.

"Mm?"

He watched Haru heave a sigh. "I couldn't get to sleep. And I couldn't stop thinking about what you'd said earlier."

"What I said?"

"About not... not loving the sport you do anymore."

Aomine tensed. "Ah."

Haru nodded, now looking down at his hands. "My friends," the man sighed deeply again and Aomine patted his arm. Haru offered him a weak smile to which he nodded. "They all know what they want to do with their lives once we graduate. I have no clue."

Aomine raised an eyebrow, as though the answer was obvious. "But swimming-" He very quickly cut himself off when Haru's face darkened with a startling suddenness. Aomine raised his hands placatingly at the sidelong death glare Haru sent him. Right. Landmine.

"I don't want to swim for times, or to compete. I don't care about those kinds of things. I just-" Haru's speaking picked up and he cut himself off to keep from rambling.. He breathed through his nose as he laced his fingers tightly in a white knuckled grip. Aomine blinked at the subtle display of panic crashing into the man. 

Aomine pried Haru's hands apart and took one in his own. The pair locked eyes and Aomine was once again reminded that his silences and the man's eyes were the most telling things about him. The conflict he could see raging in those blue eyes was almost palpable. He could clearly see anger and guilt warring within them. "Hey," He said gently. He squeezed the swimmer's hand. "I'm listening."

He watched Haru nod numbly as he gripped the darker hand tighter in his own. "It's just.... swimming is like breathing for me. I need it and lately... Lately I've just felt too scared to do it. Like if I get in the water I'm going to drown."

Aomine grimaced. He could relate to that. "Yeah?"

"I just, I can't deal with the weight of everyone's expectations." Haru's grip on his hand grew tighter and Aomine thumbed the back of the man's hand soothingly. "They all expect me to go on and do amazing things with my swimming. Win nationals, go to the Olympics." Haru ran a hand through his hair that Aomine realised was messier than he'd ever seen it, likely due bed hair that had had frustrated hands run through them repeatedly. "But I don't want that." He groaned as he knocked his head back against the wall with a solid thud. "I don't want to compete. I want to swim for me but everytime I say that-" Haru dragged in another deep breath and Aomine felt that this was the closest he'd ever heard Haru come to yelling. He watched the man visibly deflate, slumping against the wall. 

"Take your time." He murmured. 

Haru's grip on his hand slackened. "Every time I say that," He mumbled. "They all get this, this look in their eye and I..."

Aomine nodded again. "Yeah. I know that look."

Haru glanced back over, trepidation in his eyes. "Yeah?"

"Mm. When you don't push yourself as hard as they want you to and then all they see is,"

"Wasted potential." They finished together. 

Aomine nodded.

"So what did you do?"

He scratched his cheek, realising he wasn't really in a place to give advice. And he told the swimmer as much. "I found someone who could beat me. Remind me why I enjoyed playing in the first place, the thrill of the challenge. " He looked away, unable to watch the disappointment shade Haru's expression. "I want to continue to go pro when I graduate."

He cast Haru a sidelong glance and wouldn't admit to the hurt he felt when the man pulled his hand away. "Right."

Aomine sighed. "Look man. I might not be at the same place as you are right now but I get it. Seriously."

Haru crossed his arms and looked away. "Right." He muttered. 

His eyebrow twitched. "Look, my friends and I didn't talk for years you know." He all but snapped, as he leaned over, trying to force Haru to look him in the eye without touching him. "I felt miserable doing the only thing that had ever brought me any joy in my life."

Haru glared over at him. "Then how-"

"How do I know to lumped with everyone's expectations? I was the best of the best to put it bluntly. I didn't even bother to practice to get better because what was the point when I was already better than everyone? People would give up. They didn't bother to try. How am I supposed to feel in matches like those? Hollow victories that mean jack shit to me!"

Aomine was breathing hard and swallowed shakily as Haru stared at him, eyebrows raised. 

"People hated me for how good I was and they hated that I never had to try." Something flickered across Haru's eyes and Aomine nodded gruffly as he sat back against the wall, folding his arms as well. "Guess you can relate." He muttered, thinking back on how his teammates and opponents alike would look at him with nothing but disdain and derision. 

"The curse of being a prodigy." Haru muttered.

Aomine snorted. "Tell me about it."

"I was the reason one of my closest friends quit swimming. He's back into now and gunning for the Olympics but... He'd worked so hard and I'd done almost nothing and when I still beat him, well. He quit. And we never spoke for years."

Aomine blinked. "Is that friend...?"

"Mm. Rin, the redhead. I later learned it wasn't directly my fault but I was the catalyst."

"I'm sorry man."

Haru shrugged. "We're okay now. Well. We were. I don't know how he's going to react about," Haru made a general gesture. "All this." He glanced over at Aomine. "There's an old saying my late grandma taught me. When you're ten, they call you a prodigy. When you're fifteen, they call you a genius. Once you hit twenty, you're just an ordinary person. I turned 18 recently. I used to think I couldn't wait to be ordinary but..."

"But?"

"A swimmer is who I am and swimming is all I have. I don't want to go pro but everyone expects me to. But I don't have anything I want to do."

Back to square one. Aomine sighed softly and dropped a hand onto Haru's head. 

"What're you-"

"I won't lie, I don't have any answers for you and they're not gonna come immediately. You should take some time to think about what is it that you want to do-"

"I don't know!" Aomine jerked at the sudden outburst. Haru pushed himself off the bed to stand. He threw his hands down roughly. "If I knew what I wanted to do then I wouldn't be in this mess!"

"Why are you yelling at me??" Aomine stood, uncaringly stepping into the man's space. "You asked for my thoughts, I'm not a miracle worker! I was just saying really think about what you want to do and whatever you pick, fucking commit to it!"

"I don't know-!"

Aomine caught Haru's wrist. "Look! I figured myself out after playing with Tetsu again." His other hand caught the man's hip to stop him from jerking away. "Maybe you just need to race with your friends again."

Haru glared at the ground in the space between them. 

Aomine watched him before slowly letting his wrist go when he was sure he wasn't at risk of being struck, accidentally or otherwise, although his hand on Haru's waist lingered. "You should seriously consider what options you have that aren't competing without immediately dismissing them." He thumbed the warm flesh in the dip of Haru's hip bone before abruptly pulling back, pretending he didn't see (didn't feel) the shiver that briefly shook Haru's frame. 

His eyebrows lifted in surprise when Haru caught his hand before he could finish retracting it. "And...." Haru's fingers gripped his hand tightly again. "What if there's nothing? What if there's nothing else to me that's of any worth beyond being a swimmer?" The man's words were whispered as he attempted to keep his voice from shaking. 

Aomine brought his other hand to grasp Haru's shoulder. He met his gaze seriously and held it. "There is always more to a person. And if you end up deciding swimming is what you want to do, and competing is the only way to do it," He moved his hand from his shoulder to press a fist into the centre of Haru's bare chest. "Then compete for you. Not for the people who expect you to. I know you say you don't care about your time or your placing, but you care about swimming. Swim because you love it and you want to get better. Because it may not seem like it now, and it may not even happen for a while, but you'll encounter someone better than you." 

The bitter note was not lost on Haru but he nodded anyway. He wasn't quite sure what, but something about what the man said definitely resonated with him. "I..." He softly sighed but a small smile graced his lips. "Thank you." He murmured, trailing his fingers over Aomine's palm before he relinquished his grip on the man's hand. "I... I don't know what I'll do but I do have  a starting place I guess."

Aomine relaxed and offered a slight smile of his own. "Yeah?"

"Yeah. I'll do some thinking and then... maybe we could have another chat after?"

Aomine chuckled slightly as he ruffled the swimmer's hair. "We can chat whenever you want Nanase."

Haru's smile grew slightly. "I'll hold you to it Daiki."

Silence descended between the two men, neither making a move to leave even though the conversation was clearly over. Aomine opened his mouth to say something only to watch Haru's eyes drop to his lips. He pressed his lips together again, briefly wetting them and watched as bright blue eyes darkened. The taller man was suddenly and acutely aware of the proximity of their bodies. He chuckled slightly, the sound more awkward than he'd intended. It died out as he watched Haru, certain that the man was leaning in.

But nothing happened. He watched blue eyes flicker over his face before Haru stepped back. He offered the man a slight smile again. "Thanks for the chat Daiki. It really helped."

"Y-" Aomine cleared his throat. "Yeah?"

Haru chuckled. "Yeah. I'll see you in the morning. Sleep well Daiki."

Aomine opened his mouth but stopped the words from leaving his lips. "You could sleep here." Instead all he said was, "You too." 

Aomine watched as Haru's gaze tracked over his figure one more time before he smirked slightly. The basketballer raised an eyebrow but Haru offered no explanation as he disappeared out the door, closing it behind him. Aomine stayed rooted to the spot until he heard the faint sound of Haru's door clicking closed. The second he heard it, he all but threw himself onto his bed, groaning loudly into his pillow. "Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!!" He stayed there for another moment longer before he rolled over, staring at himself in the mirror. He then noticed exactly what had Haru smirking and he flushed, shoving a pillow onto his face and dumping the other on his lap. Talk about embarrassing!

Seems like things were starting to get a little more complicated.