Monday August 24, 2015
Finn (6:22pm): Hey babe I’m off work and headed to the races now. I’ll see you tonight
Clarke (6:25pm): ..... you know how I feel about it.
Clarke (6:31pm): please be safe
And just like that, it was over. From my couch in Pontiac, Michigan, phone in hand, I heard the knock on the door. Answering it, the police greeted me with those words that I never thought I’d hear: “Miss Griffin, there’s been an accident.” After the funeral and the wake and the talking to people I never wanted to talk to, I found myself exactly where I was before-- on my couch in Pontiac, Michigan, phone in hand with nothing to say. But that didn’t stop the texts.
Friday August 28, 2015
Clarke (9:16pm): I told you not to go.
Clarke (9:17pm): You know I hated the races
Clarke (9:18pm): Why were you so fucking stubborn????
Clarke (9:19pm): I mean, Why couldn’t you just fucking listen to me?
Clarke (9:19pm): for once
Clarke (9:20pm): and now you’re gone
Clarke (9:21pm): what am I supposed to do now without you?
Clarke (9:22pm): that stupid song is still on repeat...
Clarke (9:23pm): you would know the one
And the days go by, but nothing changes but the date on my phone. The blinking blue light to indicate a new message illuminates in the darkness of my home, but it never blinks for him.
Thursday September 3, 2015
Raven (5:42pm): hey buddy, we’re going out to a game tonight. Join?
Tuesday September 8, 2015
Monty (1:21pm): haven’t seen you in the coffee shop recently. You okay?
Sunday September 13, 2015
Bellamy (8:15am): are you ever coming back to workout?
Wednesday September 23, 2015
Octavia (3:12am): bar’s closing. I miss you
After a couple of weeks, they become less frequent and less invitational. Before too much longer, it sounds like I’m talking to strangers in the hallow words of the ones I once loved.
Friday October 9, 2015
Lincoln (2:33pm): hey
Wednesday October 28, 2015
Bellamy (9:14pm): I canceled your membership
Monday November 23, 2015
Raven (9:21am): the wedding is coming up soon. Are you coming or no?
Friday December 25, 2015
Octavia (12:01am): merry christmas
After so many unanswered texts and missed calls, the blinking ceases entirely, leaving me completely and entirely alone. But that doesn’t stop the texts.
Thursday January 7, 2016
Clarke (6:14am): I woke up without you again
Tuesday January 19, 2016
Clarke (9:20am): It’s your mom’s birthday. I called her for us
Friday January 29, 2016
Clarke (11:56m): I still miss you
Monday February 1, 2016
Clarke (7:28pm): It’s pizza night again.
Clarke (7:28pm): I saved your half.
Sunday February 14, 2016
Clarke (12:14am): Happy Valentine’s Day,
Thursday February 25, 2016
Clarke (12:01am): Happy Birthday. I stayed up specifically to text you
But it never mattered. My inbox was filled with unreplied texts from friends who had moved on and unanswered messages to my love who was lost to this world. With the same song on repeat for over a year, I worked my life around that phone, watching and waiting for that blue light, hopping at every indication of movement. It was never him though. But that didn’t stop the texts.
And then it happened.
Saturday June 3, 2017
Clarke (2:15am): I can’t sleep
Finn (2:17am): me neither.
Finn (2:17am): I’m sorry. I don’t have this number saved.
Finn (2:18am): New phone number, sorry.
Blinking into the darkness as the backlight of my phone dimmed into nothing, I threw the phone from the bed, listening to the shattering of the screen against the door frame before throwing myself onto my pillow and forcing my eyes shut. There was no way. I’d have to remember to get my screen replaced the next morning, but at least then I’d know that the text was just in my imagination...
But it wasn’t.
Sunday June 4, 2017
Finn (8:09am): hope you finally slept last night.
Clarke (8:11am): who is this?
Clarke (8:11am): Is this a joke?
Clarke (8:11am): It’s a terrible one!
Finn (8:16am): I’m sorry. I don’t understand...
Finn (8:16am): I didn’t mean to upset you.
Finn (8:17am): I have a new phone and number....
Finn (8:17am): I don’t even know who this is.
Clarke (8:26am): So you just randomly got this number?
Finn (8:31am): yes
Finn (8:31am): yesterday
And that’s how it began. Day in and day out, I texted with that number, communicating about our days and what our plans were. It was almost as if he was still here-- just different.
Tuesday July 4, 2017
Finn (11:11am): 11:11 make a wish
Finn (11:12am): oh and Happy Independence Day
Friday August 17, 2017
Clarke (10:49pm): Did you see the new horror film this week?
Finn (10:53pm): No. Why?
Finn (10:53pm): Did you?
Clarke (10:57pm): YES! And now I can’t sleep
Finn (11:00pm): hahaha
Clarke (11:02pm): It’s not funny!
Clarke (11:03pm): will you stay awake with me?
Finn (11:07pm): of course
Saturday September 23, 2017
Finn (5:48am): The sky is gorgeous
Finn (5:48am): you should see it
Finn (5:49am): You’d love it
Clarke (5:51am): hsgdlkAS
Thursday October 12, 2017
Clarke (12:04am): Imnm dtrungl
Finn (12:14am): Pardon?
Clarke (12:15am): funk
Clarke (12:15am): skunk
Clarke (12:15am): duck
Clarke (12:15am): FUCK
Clarke (12:16am): duck
Finn (12:18am): fuck? Duck? Skunk?
Finn (12:18am): Duck Duck Goose?
Clarke (12:21am): no
Clarke (12:22am): i
Clarke (12:22am): am
Clarke (12:22am): skunk
Clarke (12:22am): FUCK
Finn (12:25am): Is it bad that I’m enjoying this?
Clarke (12:29am): duck me
Clarke (12:29am): d
Clarke (12:29am): r
Clarke (12:29am): u
Clarke (12:29am): n
Clarke (12:30am): k
Finn (12:31am): well no shit.
Finn (12:32am): I thought you were telling me something new
Finn (12:33am): that was obvious haha
Clarke (12:37am): Skunka aoffg
And after 6 months, it became something normal. No longer did I feel like I was talking to my dead ex. No longer did I really feel like I was talking to him. Instead, I was talking to her-- my distant friend who I had never met. She challenged me to be better, urging me to reconnect with the outside. Forcing me to do better.
Monday December 25, 2017
Lexa (12:16am): Don’t forget to text your mom today
Lexa (12:16am): and Merry Christmas buddy!
Clarke (12:19am): Done. Thanks. And the same to you!
Lexa (12:24am): and text your friends!
Clarke (12:25am): I am :-P
Lexa (12:25am): the other friends dorkis
And so it started. Life finally started getting back to normal. I started going back outside. I started visiting my friends and doing things again. I could watch the colors dance across the Pontiac sky without wondering if the feeling from long ago was gone. Now I knew.
Wednesday January 10, 2018
Octavia (12:19pm): I am so excited for lunch!
Saturday February 3, 2018
Lincoln (4:27pm): I wasn’t expecting you in class today! Thanks for stopping by
Monday March 12, 2018
Raven (8:16am): WAKE UP! IT’S TIME FOR BREAKFAST!!
But when I got that text, my heart sank. I never knew that she was in a relationship. I never really knew anything about her. We talked about everything-- except for ourselves. But that text message had the power to break my heart and give me hope all at once.
Tuesday April 23, 2018
Lexa (3:02am): Are you awake?
Clarke (3:07am): for some reason. What’s up?
Lexa (3:21am): my girlfriend and I just broke up
Lexa (3:21am): I just need to chat.
I don’t know what I expected from all of this. I don’t even know why we continued talking, but after reading that one word-- girlfriend-- something inside of me snapped, leaving the charred remains of my broken soul out in the open and the wound reopening itself again.
I couldn’t allow myself to be hurt again.
So I quit.
I stopped answering-- well, I stopped answering so much...
Sunday May 6, 2018
Lexa (1:24pm): Hey haven’t heard from you in a while
Clarke (1:58pm): been busy with work. Sorry
Friday June 29, 2018
Lexa (7:44am): the sky is perfect this morning
Lexa (7:46am): jus thought you should know
Clarke (11:19am): cool
Tuesday July 11, 2018
Lexa (4:31pm): have you been alright?
Clarke (9:49pm): yeah. Just busy
Until my answers quit all together. Until I finally had the strength to walk away.
Thursday August 2, 2018
Lexa (5:22pm): I miss talking to you
Monday September 10, 2018
Lexa (7:05pm): Pizza night at my place. Thinking of you
Wednesday October 17, 2018
Lexa (3:28am): iamaf drunask asfj fuqa anjd i misssas yoi
It was the first drunk text I had ever gotten from Lexa and the sinking feeling in my stomach required me to feel responsible. Had she tried to drink me away the same way I drank Finn away?
Shaking my head, I laughed off the idea. This girl didn’t know me. There’s no way that she cared for me.
We were just pen pals.
But when the sun rose and I awoke to 27 new text messages, the butterflies began again, forcing my fingers to type words that my mouth would never have spoke.
Wednesday October 17, 2018
Lexa (3:54am): hwey
Lexa (4:16am): i msis yoiuy
Lexa (4:19am): i asm trysin
Lexa (4:25am): i cany stup mysef
Lexa (4:42am): i knaspw oui hatew mewww
Lexa (5:18am): itas okay
Lexa (5:21am): i amsory
Lexa (5:46am): i regretww ir
Lexa (5:59am): regret
Lexa (6:21am): i haope urrr welsl
Lexa (6:25am): i kisses somronw
Lexa (6:26am): wist thew qere youi
Lexa (6:28am): forgoy i saud thas
Lexa (6:30am): fortyt me all togethjer
Lexa (7:00am): oh gowwd
Lexa (8:47am): please ignore everything
Lexa (9:04am): I will leave forever now
Clarke (11:09am): You sober up fast.
The three little dots appeared before disappearing as quickly as they came, leaving me in a steady silence until a buzz woke me from my trance.
Octavia (11:45am): Let’s go. I’m outside.
I shouldn’t have been glued to my phone, but I was. My eyes barely left the darkened screen as I stayed glued to the device, waiting for that blinking blue light to tell me that she was back. But it never came and when Octavia left the brunch table to escape to the restroom, I accepted my fate, sending my own apology with a heavy heart and broken spirit.
Clarke (1:27pm): I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have ignored you. I just... I don’t know how to do... this... whatever it is that we were doing... whatever it is that I wanted us to do. I’m sorry.
As my finger hesitated over the send button, I took one final breath, knowing that the minute the tip of my finger touched down on that screen, everything would be over.
But then I heard it. It was almost instantaneous. The moment the little bubble appeared saying that my message was sent, the small ding rang out in the room.
My eyes shot up, scanning the room for any sign of a source. Of course no one was looking at me. There was an old man with a newspaper. A couple in the corner whispering to each other. A brunette buried in her how device. But no eyes on mine.
And when my own phone chimed its anthem reply, it happened.
The brunette lifted her head, her back still turned to me, before lowering back down to her phone. Glancing down at my own phone, I checked the message.
Lexa (1:34pm): What are we doing?
The second chime came as even more of a shock when I saw the girl lift herself again. There was no way...
Lexa (1:36am): What do you want?
Sliding my fingers across the keyboard, I type my one word response and hit send, never even looking down. Instead, I stay fixated on the back of the head to my right, watching as the phone in front of her illuminates and sings its anthem song.
I held my breath as she turned slowly, her thin jaw cutting through the air and leaving me greeted by the piercing green eyes before me.
Honestly, she put the Pontiac sky to shame and I was so thankful that I sent that last message.
Clarke (1:43pm): you.