Trust issues
Danny dared a glance at Kirsch before shooting an arrow at the target. She had thought she hated him, but yesterday she had found him sobbing in the corner of the training room. After that, they hadn't argued. Instead, he'd explained to her about his mother catching a dangerous illness and dying. The conversation itself was dangerous, crossing a line that all the tributes had between them. (Besides Karnstein and Laura, but Danny wasn't sure what was going on there.)
She felt an urge to hug him, noticing his puffy red eyes. He had followed her to each station. That wasn't questioned. She knew he wanted company and she knew something his 'bros' didn't. The urge subsided and she simply patted his shoulder.
He looked up at her with his puppy dog eyes and smiled. Then they moved to the next station in silence. She'd planned on going for Kirsch first in the arena. The Zetas would be confused without his guidance (Kirsch actually did a good job at leading them) but she knew after their mini "bonding" session she couldn't.
They weren't friends. No, they couldn't be. Danny knew that and sometimes, she would admit to herself that she wished they could be. She wouldn't kill him first. And maybe it was because deep inside, she hoped that by some miracle they'd be the last ones.
Not that she liked him. He was annoying and one personal family thing revealed was not going to change that. But she felt for him. How could she not? Danny had experienced loss before too when her brother died.
Kirsch tossed her a book about identifying plants and she gave him a grateful smile before opening it up. Today was the last day of training before the games, so she concentrated hard on the types of edible and poisonous plants. It was life or death if she got them mixed up.
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Carmilla finished her complicated handshake with Will and then surprised him by pulling him into a hug. He tensed at first but quickly relaxed. His arms slid around her and they stayed like that for a few moments before she pulled away.
"I know we aren't going into the games yet for 2 more days but..." She sighed. "If anything happens to you Will, I just-"
"I love you," he said, cutting her off. Carmilla grinned at him. "I love you too. Now go to the dagger station or you'll stand no chance in the arena with all your slacking off."
Will nodded. "Likewise with camouflage, sis. They'll see you coming miles away," he teased before abruptly turning and walking over to the dagger station. Saying an early goodbye to her brother ended in jokes, she expected nothing less from him. There'd be more goodbyes though in the coming days.
She wiped a hand across her eyes. A pair of warm arms suddenly slid around her waist from behind. "Hey, are you okay?"
"Fine, cutie."
Laura laughed softly, resting her chin on her friend's shoulder.
"So that's why you were wiping tears away, huh, cupcake?"
Carmilla growled and spun around so that they were facing each other. Laura immediately let go of her waist and took a step back because their faces being that close made her afraid of what could happen.
The dark-haired girl smirked at Laura's discomfort and moved closer. "You know nothing, Jon Snow." Then she kissed her cheek softly and walked to the camouflage station (she really did need some work on that.)
Laura blushed and watched her walk away. The game of thrones reference would have usually made her laugh but... They'd been getting closer the past days and she was terrified of what would happen in the arena. Admittedly, she was getting close to her friend and knew that if faced with the decision, she wouldn't kill her. Even if she needed to to survive. And the thought of that scared her.
-
Carmilla forced herself not to look back to see Laura's reaction, pushing herself to the station. Lately it was kinda hard to focus on improving her skills. She put thoughts of Laura to the back of her mind and tried to concentrate.
-
~~About 4 hours later~~
They hadn't talked since training. Laura had been pre-occupied talking with LaF and between that and trying to get as much work in as possible at Fitness, they hadn't had the chance. But now, they lay side by side on the roof like every other night. They even brought up a long yellow pillow and a blanket for the almost hour that they spent up there before bed.
Laura squirmed and sighed repeatedly. Carmilla ignored her for a few minutes until she felt an elbow jab her side. "Laura, what are you doing?" She snapped.
The light-haired girl apologized and turned onto her side, staring at her.
Carmilla swallowed and turned as well.
"What will we do, Carm?"
"Survive."
It wasn't the answer Laura was searching for, and they both knew that. She wanted to know if they'd survive together. But Carmilla couldn't decide that for her. She knew alliances were dangerous, foolish, and would probably get you killed.
Laura was great, sure. Nice, innocent, beautiful, understanding. And most of all, curious. She had pried bits and pieces of Carmilla's past from her until she could put the pieces together and slowly figure her out. From Carmilla's calculations, they'd spent more than 7 hours together on the roof. In some of the free time after dinner and basically all of the time before bed. That might not seem like much, but it was to them.
She still didn't fully trust her. Like her? Yes. But that wasn't the same as trust.
"Carm," Laura whispered, nudging her shoulder with her own. That reminded the other girl of how close they were.
"I'm scared," she blurted out. Laura was surprised. Usually, Carmilla put on a 'badass' front. Of course she was nice to Laura, but this confession made her seem more... Human.
"We all are," was her reply. Maybe it was the wrong thing to say. Carmilla shrunk away from her and turned away.
"We still have time, Carm. We have tomorrow and then the next is a whole day of free time."
Laura felt a flutter in her heart when she turned back and seemed to be closer than before. Carmilla's eyes fell to her lips (which the other girl noticed) but she averted them quickly.
"It's not enough time."
Laura nodded. "We'll just have to get out of the games fast then."
"Fast? You're the biggest slowpoke I know."
She acted offended. "How dare you. I'll have you know I run a 7 minute mile!"
"Sure, cupcake. I'll believe that when I see it. Let's look at the stars and I'll tell you a story."
Laura grinned. "What about?"
"Anything you want." Carmilla grabbed her hand, which earned her a soft smile from the other girl. They gazed up at the stars then.
"Tell me about your first love."
Her eyes widened. memories flooded her brain. Should she really tell a possibly temporary friend about this? After a minute, the decision was made. She gripped Laura's hand a little tighter and told her about Ell. After all, she'd told her nearly everything else.
~Flashback~
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13 years old
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Carmilla giggled and dropped down onto her bed, eyes shining as she watched the girl in front of her. Ell was doing a weird dance to 'Uptown Funk' and she couldn't help but laugh. The song ended and Ell plopped down next to her. There was a glint of mischief in her eye, though there usually was.
"I have an idea," she announced.
Carmilla grimaced. "What now? Are we going to smoke again? You know last time it didn't end well."
"Oh my gosh, nooo! That was terrible!" Ell shuddered at the memory of her parents busting in to find them with cigarettes. They both thought smoking was overrated anyways.
"Then what?"
Ell ran a hand back through her long, blonde hair. "We should practice kissing. You know, we'll be going into high school next year and there's tons of cute boys. We have to know how to kiss right."
Carmilla thought about that. She had realized she had a crush on Ell in 3rd grade, and since then she had dealt with it pretty well. She hadn't told a soul and even pretended to like boys, dating one for a whole year in 6th grade.
Maybe if she kissed her, she'd realize it was gross and like boys like everyone told her she was supposed to. Carmilla smiled at the thought and nodded at her best friend. "Sure, we can practice."
She willed her palms not to be sweaty. Why was she nervous? This was Ell, her best friend for years. She shouldn't be nervous. Yes, she knew that people could be gay, but she also knew that in District 18, if you said you were gay there could be awful consequences. People were right in saying it was the darkest and worst of all the districts. Which is why having feelings for her girl best friend was dangerous.
Ell leaned in and kissed her softly. Carmilla was unsure what to do with her hands, so she settled on leaving them in her lap.
The kiss was awkward and short, but amazing. "Wow, um... that was pretty nice," Ell said.
Carmilla stared down at her hands.
"Are you okay? Am I a bad kisser?"
Carmilla finally looked up and shook her head. "No, you're great," she muttered.
Ell grabbed her hand. "Do you like me? I won't tell anyone if you do."
"W-what? What makes you think that?" She was terrified now. How did she know?
Ell smiled. "It's okay. When boys ask me out, they kinda look like you do right now. I wasn't sure, but I guessed. A year ago when I was about to have my first kiss with Dave and you shoved him away, I had my suspicions. But lately you've been acting weird when I bring up high school boys. So..."
She shrugged and smirked. "I decided to test my theory. Am I right?"
"Um... yes"
Ell bit her lip. "Well, we should date then, don't you think?"
Carmilla was so surprised she almost fell off the bed. That was the opposite reaction to what she was expecting. Date Ell? It didn't make sense. Ell could ramble on about a hot guy for an hour.
"I know, I know. I talk about boys all the time. But you're my best friend. And I feel something for you that I don't usually feel except with guys I've crushed on."
Carmilla grinned widely. "Yeah, of course. We should definitely date."
Ell squeezed her hand and went on to talk about where they should have their first date.
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15 years old
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"It was just a kiss, Carmilla. I pushed him away right after. I don't see why you're getting so worked up."
Carmilla stopped pacing her room and shoved her hands into the pockets of her leather jacket. "I'm mad because I can't tell anyone we're together. It's been two years and guys hit on you all the time. I can't slow dance with you at dances, Ell. Why can't we just-"
"No!" She yelled, shutting Carmilla up.
"We can't come out. Both of our families our homophobic. Hell, our friends are mostly all homophobic. It would end badly. We can move to a more accepting district when we go to college, okay? It's only a couple more years."
With that, the argument was over. They changed the topic to recent gossip and tried to forget about it. It lingered in Carmilla's mind, though. A crushing jealousy came over her whenever she saw Ell flirt with a guy. Then Ell would send her a wink and a smile and she'd remember it was just to keep up appearances.
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17 years old
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Tommy wrapped an arm around her shoulders as they sat at the lunch table. He was Carmilla's "boyfriend". (Ell suggested getting one because people might get suspicious.)
He moved in for a kiss then. Carmilla was caught off guard. They had started "dating" a month ago, but wasn't that too soon for a kiss? (Her disregarding the fact that Ell and her had their first in-a-relationship kiss after three days.)
"Stop!" she exclaimed, loud enough for several people to turn and see what was going on. Ell glared at her and she felt a rush of guilt. She should've just kissed him, but she was shocked and all she could think of was how she would've been cheating by kissing him.
Tommy looked like he was about to cry. "Oh- um, I'm sorry, I'll just- bye." He jumped up, then nearly sprinted out of the cafeteria. Of course everyone witnessed that and immediately started whispering about it. They shot glances Carmilla's way. She was sure an untrue rumor was already spreading.
Their friends were also Tommy's friends so they mumbled excuses and then followed after him.
"What was that?" Ell hissed, leaning forward.
"I can't do that. I can't kiss him and then kiss you. It would be wrong."
She shook her head. "We can come up with a sound apology for you to give Tommy later."
Carmilla opened her mouth to argue but Ell gave her a furious look and she didn't say anything.
------1
18 years old
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Graduation was coming up (months away sure, but that's soon to her) and Carmilla couldn't be more excited. She and Ell's relationship had had its ups and downs but survived high school. After high school, they could finally be themselves. No hiding, no secrets. She tapped her pen against her chin thoughtfully.
She could visit Ell and give her a poem to show how happy she was. That was a great idea! Carmilla got to work and in three hours had perfected it. She briefly considered calling first but decided against it.
She rang the doorbell, poem in hand. Ell loved when she wrote for her.
When Ell's mother opened the door with teary eyes, she could tell something was wrong.
"Come in dear, I guess you should see the letter too. You are her best friend after all, maybe you can give us some information on where she might've gone."
Warning bells went off in her head. She followed the solemn woman to Ell's room. She pointed out a letter on her desk and left Carmilla alone to read it. "You might want some time alone to process it," she had said.
It was written in Ell's signature neat handwriting. Tears fell down her cheeks as she read it.
"To whoever may read this, whether it be my parents or my friends. I don't wish to hurt you by leaving. I've fallen in love with a boy I met last year and we're going away together to escape this terrible place. Not to cause offense, but it's true that nothing's left for me here and it's best if I go. Goodbye. -Ell"
Carmilla stormed out, ignoring anyone who got on her way. She curled up in some alleyway and sobbed. The poem fell out of her hand and onto the damp ground. Night fell and she knew who to go to. The only person that would help her.
It took a while to get to District 19, but she managed. She banged her fists against the house where she knew he was.
Will opened the door looking annoyed. He quickly became concerned once he saw her and beckoned her inside. "She left me. We had everything planned out, Will. I don't understand."
He comforted her for a week and then moved back to District 18 with her. His excuse was that "college is boring there and I want to be with my family."
Carmilla knew it was really for her.
They ended up going to the only somewhat decent college in district 18 together up until they were both picked for the games. Except Carmilla really thought about moving after the incident.
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"Wow, and you don't know where she went or why she left?" Laura asked.
Carmilla interlaced her fingers with Laura's. "Nope. And um, since then I haven't been able to really trust anyone fully. Will has come the closest but... I don't know. I just can't."
Laura had a new respect for her friend's brother now. She had had no idea what he'd done for Carmilla. He gave up a nice house near a college he had a scholarship to to be with her.
They stargazed for a few minutes but then reluctantly went back inside.
Laura wondered why Carmilla wasn't going to be in an alliance with Will. She told her that Will did something to betray her trust once, but she had said "I said I'd tell you about my first love, not my brother's lie, cutie. It doesn't matter anyway."
She sighed and snuggled into her blanket.
---
Carmilla stared up at the ceiling. She couldn't go to sleep. All she could think about was the games. What would happen. Who would die. Will would probably die. Laura. The ginger twins LaF and Perry. Although she didn't really care about those last ones. She shut her eyes and thought back.
After a while of going to college with Will, she had found herself trusting him. And then she started dating a girl named Emily. It wasn't that serious, but when she found out she had been sleeping with Will the whole month they were dating, it stung. After some time apart, she went back to Will and he apologized and they began talking again. The thing that hurt was the betrayal. She could care less about Emily. But Will promised he'd never hurt her or betray her trust when they first started college at District 18.
That itself was a lie. Carmilla found that after everything, trust usually ended in hurt feelings or heartache. She loved her brother. But whose to say he wouldn't stab her in the back if given the chance in the games?