I still remember the look on your face
Lit through the darkness at 1:58
The words that you whispered
For just us to know
"Are you awake?"
"How can I be asleep when you're poking me in the shoulder?"
Octavia rolls over to meet Raven's stare, her brown eyes lit up with something she couldn't quite place. She arches an eyebrow as she scoots closer to her girlfriend, Raven simply lifts an arm to accept her cuddles. Silence settles between them and Octavia squirms in annoyance at the fact that Raven woke her up only for them to sit in quiet. She arches her head up and catches her lips against Raven's chin, and she lingers for a moment.
"Why are you awake? It's almost two o'clock in the morning." Octavia grumbles, Raven shrugs as she pinches her lips into a thin line. "Rae, what's going on? You've been quiet all night and you barely drank anything at the club."
She stares up at her girlfriend and sees the hesitation in her brown eyes, the same brown eyes that had stolen her heart away so long ago at the same bar they had been at earlier that night; the same brown eyes she wants to wake up to every morning for the rest of her life. She stares at them and for the first time she realizes that she can't seem to guess what's going to come out of her girlfriend's mouth. She hates to admit it but it scares her.
Raven sighs heavily, "I love you."
Octavia freezes as she words pass so easily through the air; she and Raven have been together for almost a year and so far those words have been left unspoken, whispers of them had been used in a fleet of kisses and touches but never said out loud. She wants to say it back, she does, but she just rolls further into Raven's hold. She presses her lips to Raven's bare shoulder and hopes that it's enough for now, she hopes that Raven understands what she's not saying.
But she doesn't.
The arms around her slip away and Raven settles a kiss to the top of her head before she turns onto her side and cuddles herself around her pillow; Octavia bites her lips and regrets it, she regrets not saying it. She curses the fear that wraps around her and she wishes she wasn't such a coward, she wishes she could ignore the way memories of her childhood push at the back of her mind.
Just say it. She thinks. Just open your mouth and say it.
But she doesn't.
-x-
I do recall now the smell of the rain
Fresh on the pavement
I ran off the plane
Raven slips away from her after her confession. She texts Octavia with one worded answers and sends her to voicemail when she calls. She tries to go to see her, but her roommate shakes her head and tells her Raven isn't home. She wants to see her before she flies home to see her family, but as the day draws closer to her flight she finds her girlfriend simply shoots her a text that tells her to have a safe flight and text her when she lands.
She types out 'I love you' six times and deletes it six time. She instead settles with an 'ok, babe' and a heart emoji. She knows it's not enough, she can picture Raven's face when she reads the text before ditching her cell phone. She holds her phone and stares at the screen and wills herself to just text her, but instead she presses the power button and watches the picture of her and Raven turn black.
"You okay?" Bellamy asks as he sits beside her on the plane.
"Fine." Octavia shrugs. "I just fucked up."
"You fucked up?" Bellamy frowns as he watches her turn her phone in her hand in a constant motion, her brow furrows as she nods. "Well, are you gonna tell me how you fucked up or are you gonna make me guess?"
Octavia rolls her eyes, "Raven told me she loves me."
"How does that lead to you fucking up?" Bellamy snorts.
"Because I didn't say it back." Octavia hisses and she glances to see the way Bellamy tenses as he looks to her with wide eyes. "I know. I'm an idiot. An asshole. A bitch. I don't deserve her. I already know that."
"First of all, you're not any of those things," Bellamy assures her as he turns his phone off and slides it into the bag he shoves under the chair. "I mean, you have a lot of things to consider...like, do you love her back? Are you ready to say that to her?"
"I am." Octavia nods, she doesn't even hesitate.
"Then tell her when you get home. Stop denying yourself happiness." Bellamy orders. "I know that you have it stuck in your head that you're not meant to find someone to spend the rest of your life with, but you're wrong. You deserve every bit of happiness that Raven gets you. You gotta stop thinking that your life is gonna turn upside down just because everyone in our family has fucked up their relationships."
"I'm just gonna end up like mom..."
"Mom picked a bad guy, O. Raven isn't like our father." Bellamy cuts in. "She's been perfect through your whole relationship. She's honest, smart, and she had the balls to go up against me when I played the big brother card."
Octavia smiles softly, "She wasn't even phased by you."
"Exactly. She's good for you. She wants to be with you. She takes care of you." Bellamy lists, his lips curl into a smirk. "You're perfect for each other, O. Believe me, nobody was good enough for you till she came along."
"Not even Lincoln?"
"I like the guy, but I think I know who you're meant to be with." Bellamy shrugs as he nudges her, his gaze flickers over her face as he watches the way she hesitates. "And I think you know who it is too."
Octavia licks her lips, "I do."
-
Five days.
She gets a few text messages from Raven and a phone call after one of Raven's classes go wrong and she spends the call telling jokes that make Raven giggle and it makes her heart feel lighter then it has since she left for Ohio. After the five days pass and she and Bellamy spend the flight asleep, she feels her lip tremble in a tired pout as she stumbles off the plane. It smells like rain and home by the time she and Bellamy make it outside the airport.
"Blakes!"
She turns and rolls her eyes at the sight of Clarke who stands in front of her Jeep with a sign of their name in her hand. Bellamy shoulders Octavia's duffel as they cross the road to approach their friend who waits with a bright smile. Octavia falls into the embrace Clarke offers her as Bellamy tosses their bags in the backseat and ruffles Clarke's hair with a fond smile on his face.
"Where's Raven?" Octavia demands.
"She was gonna pick you up, but Wick called and said that they had a project to work on. I brought Lexa instead." Clarke offers as she sweeps a hand towards her girlfriend who sits in the passenger seat with a small smile.
Octavia tries to hide her disappointment but she knows she fails as Bellamy gives her shoulder a small rub. The pair climbs into the Jeep and she leans her head on Bellamy shoulders as her eyes flutter shut. She's so tired, and it's not just the jet lag, it's the last five days she spent in her head and she just wants to slip away so she can find some sense of relief.
She hopes when she wakes up this time she'll be with her girlfriend.
-
"Hey, sleepyhead."
She lifts her head quickly and turns to see Raven as she stands by the window, her arms cross and plant themselves on the rolled down window. Octavia smiles and she leans forward in time to meet Raven's lips with her own. She hums and feels her heart flutter in her chest; she feels the love on Raven's lips and it burns her as she drags herself back in an attempt to avoid it.
"I should be pissed that you woke me up," Octavia mutters against Raven's lips as the door opens and Raven reaches to unbuckle her. "You should've carried me inside like the perfect, Ryan Gosling type girlfriend."
"Boo." Raven groans as she draws away from Octavia. "I missed you."
She feels more behind those words and she knows Raven means the days that have passed without communication. She turns on the seat and wraps her arms around her girlfriend as she buries her face in her neck. She holds her and Raven brushes kisses against her temple; they're both usually so brash and sarcastic but when it comes to each other they can't help but melt.
"I missed you too." Octavia whispers.
And then Raven does sweep her into her arms and Octavia loves it. She curls into Raven's arms and ignores the teases that are shot their way by their friends, she just buries her face in Raven's neck and smiles. They slip away into Octavia's bedroom as Bellamy grabs Clarke and Lexa a beer and Raven is careful as she sets Octavia on her feet. Lips meet and Octavia swears she tastes home and forever on her girlfriend's tongue.
She holds onto it and tries to choke up the words she has been meaning to say since that night in her bedroom. She pulls away from Raven and she stares up at her, and her mouth opens but nothing comes out. The words stick to the back of her throat and the memories of her mother crying over a bottle of vodka and divorce papers plays in her mind; she looks into Raven's brown eyes and she feels her stomach turn.
"I love you." Raven whispers.
Octavia cringes and she wants to beg Raven to take it back, to tuck it into her pocket and save it for later. She wants to tell her that she can't, that she's scared, but instead she feels arms slip away from her. She feels like it's all shatters at her feet as Raven puts a distance between them and it's a distance that goes further then the way she steps back and ducks her head.
Raven licks her lips slowly, "Sorry. I forgot."
"Forgot?" Octavia frowns.
"I forgot that you don't want to hear that..."
"Can we not talk about this right now?" Octavia begs as she rubs at her brow. "I just got home and all I want to do is take a shower and get some sleep. I promise we can talk about all this bullshit tomorrow."
"All this bullshit?" Raven repeats with a scowl.
"Yes, Raven," Octavia hisses. "Glad to know your hearing works."
Octavia feels the flames that lick at her and she feels the hackles of being a Blake rise to guard her. She remembers this defensive move her mother once used on guys who fluttered in and out of their house. She latches onto those memories and broken hearts and stares at Raven; she wants this, but she's not ready. She's not good enough for it. And she wants to tell Raven that, she wants to explain herself.
But she doesn't.
"I don't want to talk about this, okay?" Octavia sighs.
"So, we're just going to pretend that it's not an issue?" Raven exclaims with tears that decorate her cheeks. "We're just going to brush it under the rug? You seem to be pretty damn good at doing that when it comes to anything emotional between us."
"I don't have time for this..."
"Octavia, what the fuck?" Raven demands. "Why can't you just tell me what's going on in your head?"
"You really wanna know?" Octavia growls as a lie settles on her lips. "I don't love you!"
It bounces around the room and Octavia lets it settle in her head, in her heart. She wants to apologize and just flop into Raven's arms but she can see the look on her girlfriend's face and she knows that something is off. She can feel the way Raven pulls away from her, she can feel it in the way her chest squeezes and her heart putters in an effort to free itself. She can feel her whole world shattering from beneath her.
"I don't think I can do this..."
The words run through Octavia's body and straight into her heart, they roll through her blood stream and all she can do is stare. She doesn't open her mouth to protest, she simply blinks and watches Raven's face crumple. She sees the way Raven fists loosen and her fingers spread and Octavia feels like her heart was just dropped in front of her and Raven steps over the pieces.
"Octavia, if me saying that doesn't mean anything to you then I guess we're not doing what I thought we were doing." Raven whispers, and she waits but Octavia just blinks once more. "I guess that's it then."
Octavia swallows her apology, "I guess it is."
She hates the way the sentence drops from her mouth with such ease, she hates the way she can see the exact moment that it breaks Raven. She watches as her girlfriend approaches her and she closes her eyes to catch the tears that build. She can't watch Raven walk out of her life, she's watched too many people walk out the door and not come back, she can't do that with Raven.
Raven presses her lips to Octavia's cheek and lets her lips burn into pale skin, "I hope you find whatever you need to fix your broken heart, Octavia. I thought I could do it, but I guess I was wrong. Goodbye, O."
She walks out the door and Octavia doesn't stop her.
It's over.
And all she can do is stand there with a single quote in mind: Don't go. I love you so.
-x-
But now I'll go sit on the floor
Wearing your clothes
"You caught the voicemail? Sucks. Well, if you oh so desperately need to get a hold of me then text me and I'll get back to you. If it's not important then please don't fill my voicemail box with useless words. Thanks."
It's Monday. Raven broke up with her on Saturday.
She spends the morning in one of Raven's old band t-shirts that she left one night; it smells like her ex-girlfriend, right down to the oil of the cars she fixes and the vanilla perfume she uses to cover it up. She feels stupid as she sits on the floor of her room and dials Raven's number again; she wants to fix this, she wants to have back the piece of her that makes her feel whole.
-
"You caught the voicemail? Sucks. Well, if you oh so desperately need to get a hold of me then text me and I'll get back to you. If it's not important then please don't fill my voicemail box with useless words. Thanks."
It's Tuesday. She skips class again.
She paces through her apartment in one of Raven's sweaters, one of the ones that were too big for the both of them but was overwhelmingly comfortable. She pulls she sleeves over her hands so she doesn't have to watch them shake. Bellamy comes home with Clarke at his heels and she knows they're staring at her as she sits with her cell phone on the coffee table and the sweater pulled over her knees; she waits, waits for Raven to just call her back.
-
"You caught the voicemail? Sucks. Well, if you oh so desperately need to get a hold of me then text me and I'll get back to you. If it's not important then please don't fill my voicemail box with useless words. Thanks."
It's Wednesday. Clarke yells at her to go to class.
She does. She wonders across campus in a jacket that isn't hers. She glides her finger over the leather material as she sits in her Chemistry class, and she bites her lip to hold back tears and pinches the material in between her fingers. She feels weak, she feels like she's five-years-old again and her father is slipping out the front door while the moon lights up her room.
She calls Raven as she walks to her next class. She doesn't pick up.
-
"You caught the voicemail? Sucks. Well, if you oh so desperately need to get a hold of me then text me and I'll get back to you. If it's not important then please don't fill my voicemail box with useless words. Thanks."
It's Thursday. Lexa tells Clarke to tell Octavia to stop calling.
Octavia ignores the slight irritation in Clarke's gaze as she passes on the message while Octavia pulls on another shirt that doesn't belong to her. She nods at her roommate and Clarke stares, her eyes slowly bleed with sympathy. She curls away from it as she focuses on the assignment that is due in two days, she tries to act like Clarke isn't standing in the doorway of her room with those blue eyes full of sadness.
"O, you gotta stop..." Clarke whispers.
"I fucked up," Octavia mutters. "I'm not stopping till I get her back."
-
"You caught the voicemail? Sucks. Well, if you oh so desperately need to get a hold of me then text me and I'll get back to you. If it's not important then please don't fill my voicemail box with useless words. Thanks."
It's Friday. Bellamy takes her phone when he catches her in the morning.
She yells at him and jumps in an attempt to get it back but all he does is shake his head and wonder off into his room. Octavia huffs as she sits on the couch and picks at sweats that have holes in them, sweats that belong to Raven. She hates this, hates that she has become someone that she swore she'd never be; she's become the woman her mother once was.
Later that night, she slinks into her brother's room and grabs her phone.
-
"I'm sorry. The number you have reached is not in service or temporarily disconnected. If you feel you have reached this recording in error, please check the number you have dialed and try your call again."
It's Saturday. Octavia stops trying and changes out of the sweater that smells more of motor oil then anything else.
-x-
Never imagined we'd end like this
Your name, forever the name on my lips
The party rages on around her and Octavia stands beside Bellamy and wallows as she stares down at her glass of some mixed punch. She bounces her head in time to the loud bass and smiles in memory of Raven's dancing. She downs the rest of her drink and pushes off the wall, she ignores her brother's calls as she allows herself to sink into the bodies that grind around her. She closes her eyes and loses herself in the music, loses herself in her buzz.
Bodies press to hers and she wants to pretend that it feels right, wants to pretend it feels familiar but it just feels wrong. She wants to walk away because the hands on her waist don't belong to Raven. She hates the way fingers curl around her waist and blunt nails dig into her skin, it feels all wrong. She wants to turn in the person's arms and tell them that.
But she doesn't.
She just turns in the stranger's arms and captures their lips. They taste like coconut rum with a chaser of regret and sadness. Their hands take and grasp and tug. She goes with it and tries to pretend that the hand that slides up her back belongs to Raven. She pushes her lips harder to those of the girl that holds her and doesn't protest when the girl pulls away and intertwines their fingers. She doesn't feel a flutter or remorse as she allows the girl to lead her upstairs...she feels nothing.
Octavia takes the comfort she needs as she strips the blonde from her clothes and allows her to the do the same. She allows lips to slide over her neck and she knows bruises follow in the wake of teeth and closed lips. She folds under hands that glide under her thighs before dropping her on the bed and she groans as lips glide down her body. She wants this, she needs this. She tries to pretend that this is what's best for her, for her sanity.
Her knuckles turn white as she grasps at the sheets while a head disappears between her legs and she flutters her eyes shut as she drifts away. She floats away and bites her lip as she bites back the urge to moan, she tries to drift away and pictures brown eyes and a smirk that borderlines between adorable and dangerous. She drifts into familiar hands, familiar lips, a familiar touch.
She drifts away and comes with Raven's name on her lips.
-
Clarke eyes the bruises on her neck as she stumbles into the apartment the next morning. She scans Octavia over with a frown before she turns her attention back to Lexa who doesn't spare the younger woman a glance. Clarke calls for Bellamy and Octavia rolls her eyes cause she can only imagine what fresh hell waits for her when her brother sees her; she thinks he sometimes forgets that she's almost twenty one.
"Where did you go last night?" Bellamy demands as he bursts from his room.
Octavia stares at him with a scowl, "Why does it matter?"
"I think the answer of her whereabouts is pretty evident from the hickies on her neck. Looks like she had a good time." Lexa hums, her eyes still focus on her English paper. "I hope you had a good time."
"The best." Octavia spits out with a glare.
"Alright. Reel it in." Clarke orders as she flashes Lexa a glare that holds a silent warning and the brunette pinches her lips into a thin line and nods. "O, just text us next time you um you spend the night elsewhere."
"Whatever." Octavia grumbles with a roll of her eyes.
She starts towards her bedroom only to hear Lexa's parting words.
"I'll let Raven know you're doing just fine."
Octavia bites her lip to hold back her tears and tries to remind herself that Lexa has every right to be pissed at her, she's Raven's best friend and roommate. She has every right to hate Octavia as much as Octavia hates herself. She has every right to pass on Octavia's night to Raven and she tries to think about anything other than the mental image of Raven with tears in her eyes.
She disappears into her room and finally lets the tears fall.
-
Octavia crashes into the Starbucks with pink cheeks and a beanie pulled over her eyes, her hand reaches up to push it back as she feels the warmth surround her. She rubs her hands together as she moves to join the long line of customers waiting. She has fifteen minutes to get to her class and as she stares at the line she already knows she's going to be late. She allows her head to fall back as a groan leaves her, her eyes flutter shut as she debates whether or not to leave.
The need for coffee outweighs her need to learn and she resigns herself to stand in line and wait to order. The line moves slowly and Octavia sends out silent threats to people as their orders grow to be more and more complicated. Her temper flares as she texts out her frustrations to Jasper, the only friend she has in her waiting class, and he simply answers her with a string of emojis that mock her before he asks for her to bring him a scone.
She simply texts back a 'fuck you' and pockets her phone.
"Octavia?"
The call of her name causes her head to quickly lift and she furrows her brow in confusion as a barista stands with a coffee cup in her hand, her eyes flutter across the floor as she searches for the person. She tilts her head and waits for someone with her own name to jump forward to collect the coffee, but no one moves and the barista looks like she would rather be doing anything than holding the coffee.
"Octavia?"
She manages to snap herself out of her confusion and squeezes her way out of the line that was still much too long for her liking. She slips towards the barista and accepts the drink and pastry bag with a smile before she stares down at the treats; a tall Cinnamon Dolce Latte. And she peeks into the bag to see a cranberry orange scone...she smiles as she remembers everyone teasing her about how disgusting they were.
There's only one person who knows her order, only one person who has been forced to pick it up time and time again. Octavia's head jerks up as the bell rings and she watches a brunette ponytail whip out the door. Her heart flutters because she still cares, as bad as she fucks up, Raven never stops caring and that confuses Octavia more than she wants to admit.
"Raven." Octavia whispers with a small smile.
-x-
And I keep up with our old friends just to ask them how you are
Bellamy wants to throw a party. Clarke wants to spend time with Lexa. Octavia wants to get drunk. So all in all it turns out that everyone gets what they want as their apartment fills with people they barely know. It's loud and there's so many people that Octavia finds it hard to squeeze through groups to drown herself in more alcohol. She needs to escape and alcohol is the best way; she just wants to drown her sorrows.
She smirks as Monty gives her a glass and she knocks back the contents before she swipes a glass from Jasper's hand and leaves the kitchen, her eyes roll as she hears the boy yelling after her. She works her way through the crowd and stops short as she sees Lexa walk through the door. For a moment, Octavia expects Raven to be at her heels but the door closes behind the girl and Octavia's heart sinks.
Lexa is quick to scoot her way through the people as Clarke pushes off the wall to meet her girlfriend. Her eyes roll once more as she sees the way Clarke reaches up to tuck a hand around Lexa's neck as she pulls her into a kiss. It makes her sick. Or maybe that's just all the alcohol in her system. She doesn't care. She just downs her drink and vanishes off for another one; she wants everything to be a blur, she just wants to forget.
"Jeez, O. You're going to drink yourself into a coma."
Octavia is on her sixth glass of beer while she holds a glass of vodka in her other hand. She sways as she swallows the last of the beer before she drops the cup and sips at her vodka, her eyes lock on a concerned Clarke. She smiles around the rim of her cup as the burn of vodka leaks down her throat and turns her stomach, her eyes squeeze shut as she breathes heavily through her nose.
"I'm fine." Octavia slurs.
"O, you've been drinking all night," Clarke mumbles. "Slow it down."
"I said I'm fine." Octavia shrugs as she watches Clarke and she squints her eyes in an effort to make the second Clarke disappear. "I just wanna forget, Clarkey. I don't wanna think about her anymore."
Clarke sighs as she shakes her head, "I'm gonna go get you some water."
Octavia protests for only a moment before she stumbles and a hand reaches out to catch her. She glances up with hazy eyes and arches an eyebrow as she's met with green orbs, Lexa's lips turn down into a frown. She watches the way green eyes seem to take her in and she notices the disappointment in them and it causes her jaw to clench as she jerks from Lexa's grasp.
"What?" Octavia demands.
"Your drinking is getting out of hand." Lexa notes.
"I don't know what you're talking about." Octavia scoffs as she leans heavily against Lexa, her blue eyes blink rapidly for a moment as she pouts. "How is she? Is she okay? Does she miss me? I miss her."
"Raven is...fine." Lexa offers.
"She's fine?" Octavia repeats. "Wow."
"Octavia, it's been almost a month. What did you expect her to do, wallow forever?" Lexa snaps as she narrows her eyes. "She knows that it's best that your break up remains, so she's trying to move on."
"She couldn't wait to leave." Octavia snorts. "She couldn't wait for me to tell her I loved her, but she's gone now and that's fine. I don't need her. Fuck her. Better yet, fuck me. I'm stupid. We're both stupid."
"I think the best thing you can do right now is stay away from her." Lexa whispers in that calm voice Octavia hates so much. "She's working things out and she's finally stopped crying herself to sleep."
Octavia pouts down at her cup of vodka as she shoves away from Lexa, "I want her back."
Lexa looks at her and Octavia sinks under the look in her eyes, "You don't get to do that. You don't get to suddenly decide you screwed up. It happened. It's over. You chose not to love her then, you can't choose to love her now."
"I always loved her." Octavia whispers.
Lexa stares at her before she shakes her head, "I don't believe you."
She walks away from Octavia and all she can do is watch as Lexa finds Clarke in the crowd and she can't deny the sting of jealousy as she watches Lexa slide her arms around the blonde and press kisses to her lips. Octavia downs the vodka in her glass before she seeks out more, she just hopes the alcohol will somehow blur out the memories that play in her head.
It doesn't work. All she ends up with is a hangover from hell and dried tear tracks.
-x-
Baby let me be your last
Your last first kiss
She pounds on the door.
She's drunk and she shouldn't be here, but she is.
And she refuses to leave until she speaks to Raven. She wants to explain herself, she wants to fix this. So she bangs her fist on the door and then unfolds her hand to slap her palm against the heavy wood. It flies open and she stumbles into a pair of arms. She gives a drunken smile as she straightens herself before the grin vanishes as she's locks eyes with angry green orbs, and so she settles on a nervous laugh.
"Lexa." Octavia slurs.
"What are you doing here?" Lexa demands with a tired scowl.
"I-I wanna see my girlfriend...or my ex-girlfriend. Whatever." Octavia mutters as she straightens herself and pokes Lexa in the chest, the older girl carefully bats her hand away with a frown. "So, if you'll e-excuse me I'm gonna go see her now."
As Octavia moves she feels a tight hand curl around her bicep to jerk her to a stop. She falls back into Lexa's arms and giggles loudly as she looks up at the girl who shoots her a look of concern. She pouts and Lexa's concern turns to annoyance as she moves to lead Octavia towards her own room but Octavia struggles and gives a loud whine as she protests weakly.
"Raven is asleep. Leave her be." Lexa orders.
"I'll wake her up. It's not like I haven't done it before..."
"Octavia, she broke up with you. It's been a month. Leave her alone." Lexa orders as she releases Octavia. "She said she loved you and you didn't want to say it back so she left, you made this decision."
"But I do love her." Octavia whines with a pout.
Lexa flexes her jaw as she tilts her head, "Look, it's three o'clock int the morning. You don't want to do this now."
"I have to, okay?" Octavia exclaims, her slurs carry through the room as she yanks her arm from Lexa's grasp. "I love her and I was scared cause everyone in my family is doomed when it comes to love. She's perfect and I wanna marry her."
"O?"
Octavia lights up as she hears Raven's sleepy voice and she turns to see her as she wonders out of her bedroom with a look of exhaust. She barrels forward and into her ex as she wraps her arms around Raven's neck as she presses a sloppy kiss to the older girl's cheek. Raven tilts her head back as she looks at Lexa, her roommate simply shakes her head and turns to vanish into her room.
"Hi, pretty lady." Octavia smirks.
"How much have you had to drink tonight?" Raven demands as she stares at the woman in her arms, blue eyes lit with a familiar drunkness. "What are you even doing here, O? Who brought you here?"
"An Uber. I drank lots and lots of tequila." Octavia giggles as she snuggles her nose to Raven's pulse point. "I was gonna go home, but I miss you. You're my pillow and I miss you being in my bed. Come back."
"You're drunk." Raven sighs. "You need to sleep this off."
"But..."
"Come on," Raven orders as she sweeps an arm under Octavia's legs.
The world spins around her as Raven cradles her close, her head tilts into Raven's neck. She giggles because this is what she wants, this is what she needs, and she simply sinks into the familiar arms. Raven carries her into a familiar room and she lays her out on her bed while Octavia continues to giggle. Raven brushes around the room as she collects her a long t-shirt before she strips her of her high heels.
"You looks so beautiful." Octavia sighs as she steadies herself on her elbows.
"O, I think you should shut up until you sober up." Raven mumbles as she helps Octavia sit up before she unzips her dress and suddenly she feels like she can breathe. "You need to sleep this off and...and I'll take you home tomorrow."
Raven silences her as she slides the shirt over her head and pushes her back on the bed. Octavia stares up at the ceiling as she hears Raven move through the room, the smell of her familiar perfume wafts around her. The smell and feel of Raven causes the band around her heart to loosen for the first time in a month, she feels like she can finally breathe again.
"Rae," Octavia whispers. "I love you."
"You're drunk, Octavia," Raven mutters as she moves to sweep a strand of dark hair from Octavia's face. "I don't want to talk about this right now and you shouldn't want to either. Sleep this off, babe."
"Stay with me." Octavia pleads as she latches onto the brunette's hand.
Raven hesitates and she can see it in her eyes that she wants to leave but she simply nods and settles on the bed. Octavia easily presses herself to Raven's side and buries her face in her chest, she just wants to breathe her in. She smiles and nuzzles further into Raven as she feels her eyes grow heavy, she wants to stay awake forever but the tequila melts through her veins and makes spots form behind her eyes.
"I missed you." Octavia murmurs in a sleepy voice.
Raven pauses for only a moment, "I missed you too."
-
Her head feels like it's going to split. And her mouth tastes like vomit.
She groans as she presses a hand to her eyes and sits up. She remembers bits and blurs of the previous evening, she remembers Monty and Miller and how they begged her to go to the club with them. She remembers protesting for only a while before they reminded her it was Friday and class that day had been a bitch so she had finally agreed and had allowed them to take her out.
She remembers dancing. And a tray of tequila shots. And Raven's brown eyes.
Her senses return to her as her hand drops from her eyes and she looks around; sure enough she's in Raven's bed and there's a glass of water and pills on the bedside table. She takes them greedily while she ignores her thudding heart. She swallows the water down eagerly as it calms the ache in her throat before she squeezes her eyes shut and waits for the medicine to kick in.
"Good. You're awake."
Octavia screams and chokes on the water in her mouth as the door opens and Raven walks into the room. The water pours down the t-shirt she doesn't remember changing into and she coughs as she stares wide eyed at her ex who watches her with a look of displeasure; she sets the glass aside and fumbles to wipe her shirt off as she looks at Raven with wide eyes.
"Sleep okay?" Raven demands in a falsely sweet voice.
"Um...I think so..."
"I'd highly recommend you stay away from Lexa. You fell asleep for like an hour last night and then woke up and went into her room and told her you were from the Exorcist and puked all over her floor." Raven smirks.
Octavia groans in disbelief, "Oh God."
"Octavia, what are you even doing here?"
She lifts her head and meets Raven's gaze and she realizes how much she misses looking into those brown eyes. She realizes how she had spent the last month missing something that shouldn't have slipped from her hands. She had been stupid and when she looks back on it she can't help but kick herself for everything, none of this would be happening if she wasn't so afraid all the time.
"I'm here because I love you." Octavia replies as she sits up taller in bed and she hopes her serious bed head and smeared make up doesn't ruin her image. "This is sober Octavia talking and she says she's sorry..."
"She's sorry?" Raven scoffs. "After a month she's sorry?"
"Raven, I'm not good at this," Octavia admits with a slight blush. "I-I thought I was going to be ready when you told me you loved me, I thought I was going to be able to say it back and I wanted to. I really wanted to..."
"But you didn't." Raven reminds her.
"I know. Because I'm an idiot." Octavia pouts. "But I do. I do love you."
"Octavia," Raven sighs, her gaze hesitant. "How are you so sure you're in love with me?"
"Because nothing makes sense without you. Because my every thought for the last month has been about you. Because I loved you when you said you loved me, but I was too terrified to admit it." Octavia mumbles.
"You...you were too scared to admit it?" Raven repeats.
"Yeah. I know. Stupid." Octavia whines as she pulls her knees to her chest and rests her forehead on her kneecap. "I just kept thinking that all the Blakes are cursed when it comes to love. We just end up heartbroken and turn into alcoholics."
"Well, from what Lexa told me and from what I saw last night, you're doing a pretty good job at following in the Blake legacy." Raven sneers as she folds her arms over her chest, her eyes narrow slowly. "You're better than that, Octavia."
"Am I?" Octavia mumurs.
The bed dips and she looks up in time to see Raven crawl towards her, the brunette pauses inches from her and rests her hands on either side of her body as she forces their gazes to lock for a moment. She swallows hard and she knows Raven hears it as her eyes drop to her throat before a moment before she looks back up and nudges their foreheads together.
"You are." Raven nods. "You can be different, you can be the Blake that says fuck you to that tradition and just be happy. I love you, Octavia. I never stopped. I just needed you to catch up with me."
"Well," Octavia begins. "I think I have."
"Good. It's about time, you dumbass." Raven chuckles.
"I am a dumbass." Octavia nods.
"Yeah, but you're my dumbass." Raven shrugs.
Raven flashes her a smile that beams straight through her heart and Octavia launches herself forward to push Raven back, the older woman giggling as she lands on her back while Octavia straddles her hips. For a month she was deprived of this, of her, and Octavia just wants to take it all in; she wants to pretend that the last month never happened, she wants to put it all behind her...she just wants to start over.
"I love you." Octavia whispers as she stares down at Raven.
Her heart soars when the brunette cups her face and pulls her into a kiss that bleeds with words she doesn't have to say. She lingers in the kiss and draws away to take in Raven's smile as her lashes flutter for a moment. Like so many times before, the girl takes her heart and tucks it away and Octavia feels like the world is right again as she presses a quick kiss to Raven's lips.
"I love you, too." Raven grins.
She wants to tell Raven she loves her a hundred more times.
And she does.