Chapter 11
"Something is happening."
Scott jumped as Delphine dropped her school books on the lab table. "You're from the future trying to save the world. Of course things are happening." He adjusted his glasses with a sigh, closing his notebook.
"That's not what I'm talking about." Delphine adjusted her backpack. Having finally returned to class for a full day, she had a stack of assignments to finish. She found him in the lab again, beginning to wonder if maybe he spent all day there. "I'm beginning to forget."
His brows furrowed. "Like what?"
"If I could remember I wouldn't have a problem, would I?" Delphine sighed in frustration. Once they woke up, she had spent the previous day curled up with Cosima on her couch watching movies. "I know I'm starting to lose track of things, but things are…" Shaking her head, she dug through her bag, removing her notepad and flipping through it. "Maybe it started before and I just didn't notice it because I was so distracted, but now I'm starting to notice things. When I wake up, I've lost just a little more of myself." She showed him a page in which she detailed a trip to Paris. "I remember going to Paris, but when I try to remember who was with me, I can't. I wrote this yesterday morning, and yesterday apparently I remembered Paul was with me, but I can't see it in my mind."
"That's…" Scott gave her a worried look. "It almost sounds as though… as you're making changes, your mind is stuck in some sort of… space time convergence… like your mind is from the future and as your future changes, so are your memories." He reached for the notebook, only to have Delphine pull it back.
"I'm sorry, Scott." She didn't know how to explain things. "Your future is… I can't risk changing anything for you and you knowing would do just that"
Scott gave her a curious look before he decided not to push. "Are you remembering anything new? If you're losing stuff, do you have any that seem to conflict with what you've jot down?"
Delphine bit her bottom lip. She was not going to explain her dream to a teenage boy. "There are… I think." She swallowed. "I was dreaming and it was a memory… but the memory changed as the dream progressed and…" She exhaled, thinking about the dream that still brought a flush to her cheeks. No, she was definitely not going to share the dream with Scott. "But overall, I cannot seem to decipher what is missing versus what is new."
"This is so strange." Scott removed his glasses to rub his eyes. "It's actually unheard of...not that there's any real precedent. Most theories of time travel involve the time traveler usually keeps their memories of the old life once they return to the future, but yours are changing?"
"If that's even what's happening." Delphine huffed. "I could just be going insane… if I'm not there already…"
"You're not going insane, Delphine. At least I hope not because you make way too much sense."
Delphine rubbed her temple. "If I'm making changes, why aren't the memories just completely replaced? Why am I remembering both Paul and Cosima?" She meant the question more to be for herself, trying to think through the changes.
"Cosima?" Scott's eyebrows rose. "Are you saying your memories with Paul are being replaced with memories of Cosima?" When a dark red blush came across Delphine's face, he shook his head. "No no. Delphine that's a good thing. It means she lives."
Delphine understood that much. She was glad that Scott didn't put much thought into what else that meant. "But the memories are still blending. They're not replaced completely."
Scott thought about that, taking a deep breath. He reached up to straighten his glasses. "Maybe you just haven't done anything big enough."
Big enough. Delphine sighed heavily. She's broken up with Paul, broke her hand on his face, destroyed her entire social status befriending the school's outcast and… She thought of Cosima's lips on her own, the smile on the brunette's face as they laid together on her bed. She was wary of what would be considered "big enough."
"Hey!"
Both Scott and Delphine jumped.
Cosima rose an eyebrow at them. "You guys look like you're plotting the end of the world."
"Saving it, really." Scott joked.
Delphine cleared her throat, smiling as Cosima approached. "I was looking for you actually."
Cosima gave her a look as though she didn't believe her, but she didn't push the matter. "It's raining out, did you want to risk it or wait it out?"
It wasn't raining too hard, Delphine decided, pursing her lips. "Where are we going?" It didn't matter what the brunette responded with, she was sure she would agree.
A grin spread across Cosima's face as she offered the helmet to the blonde. "It's a secret."
Fate of the world, Delphine thought as she bit her bottom lip, accepting the helmet. "What's the fun in playing safe?"
"Atta girl." Cosima grinned impossibly wider. "You alright Scott?"
Delphine looked at Scott who had a perplexed look on his face as he looked from Cosima to Delphine and back to the brunette again. Could it be that when she said her memories were being replaced with Cosima that he hadn't actually put it together then? "Scott?"
Surprised, Scott jumped slightly. "What?"
Cosima laughed. "Nevermind. We'll see you later, Scotty."
Delphine gathered her books, offering a quick wave before following the brunette.
"Cosima!" Delphine laughed as she ducked under the structure, the rain mercilessly pouring down all around them. They'd been walking for about 15 minutes along the waterline of the deserted beach, the light rain doing little to damper their playful conversation until the skies suddenly opened up. Luckily, there was a walkway that extended over the ocean from the boardwalk for them to huddle under.
"Ok." Cosima laughed, running a hand through her dreads. "So… the beach when it's drizzling is fantastic ambiance to share an afternoon with a cute girl… a typhoon however…" Her words were cut off by Delphine's hand on her cheek, pulling her closer for a kiss.
It was the most trite thing on the planet, something she'd seen a million times in those stupid romance movies Hollywood loved making. Real life however… Delphine pulled away as her body was racked with shivers, the cold having penetrated her clothing without mercy. "Merde… it's cold."
Cosima laughed. "Sorry. I'd give you my hoodie but..." She gestured to her soaked clothes before she pulled off her glasses, blinking away the raindrops. "This was such a horrible idea."
"No it wasn't." Delphine couldn't help but laugh as she ran her hand through her hair, trying to sort the soggy mess. "Is your bike going to be ok?"
"Eh it's fine." Cosima tugged at her hoodie, feeling it clinging to her body. "The seat compartment is airtight so... Hakuna Matata." She shrugged. Looking up, she found Delphine biting her bottom lip as she watched her. "What?"
"Did you just quote the Lion King?" Even in the cold, Delphine could see the way Cosima's cheeks colored slightly. "You are adorable."
"Yes but in the punk rock way, right?" Cosima crossed her arms over her chest in defiance.
Delphine nodded quickly. "Completely. Very much in the punk rock way." She chuckled, pulling the brunette closer again. "Very, very punk rock."
Cosima took a deep breath, her hands settling on the blonde's hips. "Delphine… can I ask you something?"
Blinking, Delphine tilted her head to the side. "Of course."
"What is this?"
Her brows furrowing, Delphine frowned slightly. "What is what?"
"This." Cosima looked down at the lack of space between them, the pads of her thumbs caressing the soft skin of Delphine's sides just under the edge of her shirt. "I mean… are you my girlfriend?"
It was such an adolescent moment that it took Delphine by surprise. She hadn't really thought much of it, or rather she'd thought too much about it and refused to label it. There was rarely such a thing as "casual dating" when in high school. It wasn't just meeting someone for drinks and worrying whether to sleep with someone on the 2nd or 3rd date. It wasn't months of steady flirting and testing the waters, discussions of stances on children and religious beliefs before agreeing to be exclusive… not that she had much experience in the matter, having only been with Paul. But high school… the title didn't carry such an enormous weight. In high school you could consider someone your girlfriend or boyfriend just because you agreed to it. One day someone wasn't and then they were.
But what significance did Cosima put into it?
"I mean, you don't have to answer," Cosima piped up suddenly, as if sensing her indecision. "I know you just broke up with Paul and I don't want you to think you owe me anything, I just…"
There was something in Cosima's eyes that worried Delphine. She couldn't resist cupping the girl's cheek in her hand, tracing frowning lips with her thumb. "I don't know, Cosima. I don't know what this is."
"I'm just…" Cosima sighed, leaning slightly into the touch. "I need to know how much to invest in this…" She trailed off, her expression one of uncertainty before she continued. "I knew this girl… during Summer camp. Like she was totally older than me, a junior counselor…" At Delphine's furrowed brow, Cosima quickly added, "not like one of the real counselors but like, when you get older, you get to be a junior counselor to help with the younger kids… She was 16..." She shook her head. "But I was still like 13, at that too old to be a kid, too young to be a junior counselor stage… but I was just starting to realize that I, you know, didn't really like guys…"
Delphine was pretty sure she knew where this conversation was heading and she wasn't quite sure she wanted to hear it but instead she nodded encouragingly.
"Anyway, I don't know if she noticed the way I looked at the other girls or whatever but like one evening when everyone was at the campfire, I went back to my cabin cause I forgot my hoodie and she followed me." Cosima sighed softly, looking away. "I was such a dumbass. I mean, she was really cute and… she started kissing me and it felt like so right and I didn't even stop her when she started… I was just some stupid kid who hadn't even been kissed let alone..." Shaking her head she pursed her lips, as if she couldn't believe her younger self. "Anyway the next day I was such an idiot. I was pretty sure I was head over heels in love with her and like… the next time I saw her she was making out with this dude counselor. She didn't even acknowledge me."
"Cosima…" Delphine felt her heart breaking for the brunette.
"That wasn't even the worst part. The worst part was like a week later, it happened again. She surprised me in the bathroom one evening, pushed me back into one of the stalls as I was coming out and like…" She rolled her eyes in exaggeration, turning away and putting a bit of distance between her and Delphine, crossing her arms over her chest as she watched the rain.
"Thinking back now, God I was such an moron. I mean, I was hands down smarter than like 99% of the kids in the camp but the second she found me alone and started… Like I let it happen over and over again. I'd find ways to isolate myself and she'd always follow me. We'd make out and do… other stuff… always where someone wouldn't catch us and the next morning I'd get to watch her flirting with one of the older guys. And I know she wasn't just flirting with them...But I was like this puppy dog that had this stupid crush and I would do anything for her and then the last week of camp she just… disconnected. She didn't look me at all and didn't even say goodbye."
Delphine felt a wave of emotions as the brunette spoke, from sorrow, to anger, to pure rage. She seriously wanted to find out who that girl was and just ring her neck.
"Anyway…" Cosima laughed nervously, reaching up to rub the back of her own neck. "I don't blame her… I mean the world's pretty fucked up and all God hates fags and all that and I just… I know you're not with Paul anymore and I know we can't like… make out in front of everyone, but… I need to know if one day you're just gonna… pretend I don't exist."
"Cosima…" Delphine shook her head. "I would never do that to you." Unsure of how to reassure her, she pulled her closer again, getting no resistance as she pressed her lips to Cosima's for the softest kiss, feeling the delicate brush of lips and tongues fusing a bond between them as Cosima's hands pulled their bodies closer together. No, she'd never felt anything like this before. Never with Paul, of that she was certain. Breaking off the kiss, she laughed softly. "And I do blame her. If I ever find her, I will kick her ass and make sure she knows she's the one that doesn't exist."
Cosima laughed at that. "Well, if you can stop cutting school and get into Berkeley, you totally could, but I wouldn't want you to." When Delphine gave her a questioning look, she shrugged. "I guess Shay kinda found me in an AOL chatroom for Berkley lesbians a few months back. I mean… she seemed sorry. She's working on her degree in Physical therapy and she says college is a whole different story as far as..." She shrugged.
Delphine frowned. Cosima was better than that, but she understood the power of first loves. You tend to forgive them for anything until eventually, you find yourself stuck in a relationship you don't want to be in. This Shay… Her frown deepened. Where the hell had she heard that name before?
"Did I just freak you out?" Cosima asked uncertainly. "I mean… we just talked. We're not like… cybering or anything."
Delphine couldn't place the name and she didn't really want to think about Cosima cybering anyone. Instead she just shook her head. "Come here." she whispered, pressing her lips once more to Cosima's briefly before looking into her eyes. "I don't know what this is… and I don't know where it's going but… You deserve so much more than that in the world. You deserve to be happy."
"Well…" Cosima paused, as if gathering her bravado. "You make me happy."
It was strange how hearing such a simple phrase from the teen, so easily brought a smile to her own face. "You do too." She responded naturally. It left a bittersweet taste in her mouth, knowing that she actually was happy, that she couldn't deny that spur of giddiness that rested within her despite knowing that… it would have to end. "I'm not going to ever pretend you don't exist, Cosima." Even as she said the words, there was no way she could know. What would happen when she eventually returned to the future? Would her old self be left in her shoes, not knowing what had happened the entire time she was in the past? Would that old self eventually do what Cosima feared everyone would do to her? How could she even stop that from happening? She had no control over what had happened or what could happen in the future.
"Do you believe in fate?"
Blinking at the sudden question from Cosima, it felt like a shock hitting her right in the gut. Fate? How could she believe in fate? Fate would have her with Paul. Or would it? Or would Fate put her back in the history like she was. "I don't know. I never really thought about it." That was a lie, wasn't it? In a strange way, that's all she's been thinking about since she woke up on the football field. What was and what was meant to be and were they the same thing? "I mean, I want to go into science eventually, and fate cannot be scientifically proven now, can it?"
Cosima pursed her lips, trying to process that. Eventually, a smile crossed her features. "Man we are so different."
Delphine shrugged. She was doing her best not to look alarmed.
"It's not a bad thing. I mean… I totally love science but… that doesn't have to cancel out your beliefs…" Cosima smiled. "But I mean, it's totally ok if you don't believe in that stuff…or whatever."
Another shrug and Delphine was looking down at her shoes covered in wet sand. Her mind was going through a million thoughts a minute and she just wanted to shut it all out. "I'm not too sure what my beliefs are anymore…" Worrying her bottom lip between her teeth, she tried to just push it all aside, get rid of all the bullshit about the past and the future and just live in the moment. Suddenly, she felt a sense of deja vu, as if she'd lived the moment before. Did it mean she was on the right path or the wrong one? Or was it just a feeling she shouldn't invest too much time in like she wouldn't have before all this happened?
"So…" Cosima had a slightly guilty look on her face as she looked out into the rain. "We're not gonna be able to get up the hill to your place in this, at least not until the worst passes." She pursed her lips, kicking lightly at the sand in an almost bashful way. In no way did she look like someone who just revealed one of her biggest insecurities.
Delphine knew what the brunette wanted to ask, knew what the best option was. "Your place would be easier to get to, non?"
A grin spread across her face. "Now that you mention it…"
"Uh huh." Delphine grinned, letting the brunette's nonchalance seep into her, washing away her worries. She'd forgotten what it was like to feel this, the strange bashful flutter in her abdomen in response to the someone's attention. Or maybe… she'd never felt it before at all… maybe it was just something she read about in books and saw in movies.
With Paul it was always… sex, even as a teen when she hadn't been smart enough to know any better. She'd thought that's what relationships were, parties and making out and… everything else. Did it continue into their marriage?
Delphine blinked, realizing it was another thing she was having trouble remembering. Did he ever make her feel that way? Would he ever? At any time? That small flutter in her chest whenever Cosima said her name… had Paul's voice ever done that? Why couldn't she remember? Her memories seemed to be slipping away faster than she realized.
"Delphine?"
"Hmm?" Blinking, Delphine realized the teen was talking to her. "Sorry…" She saw the worried look in the dark hazel eyes. "Must be the cold…"
Cosima nodded. "The rain let up a little bit. We could probably make it to my house if we go slow. Maybe we can get you warmed up?"
Raising an eyebrow, Delphine nodded. "Lead the way, ma chérie."
Handing the joint over, Delphine hugged her knees to her chest, the towel draped over her shoulder as she watched the brunette settle it between her lips as she continued fiddling with the tension on her guitar, occasionally plucking at one of the bronze strings to test the note. Delphine could feel the blurry disconnect of her mind and felt slightly relieved. She was tired of worrying about the future, about the past, and the neverending problems it caused. "Will you play something for me?"
A small smile tugged at the brunette's lips as she looked up over the rim of her glasses. "What do you want to hear?" She took a deep hit from the joint, holding it like Delphine, the girl's hair and clothes were soaked from the rain, but the brunette, who had at least removed her sodden sweater, didn't seem to care about them leaking puddles onto the circle rug.
Waving off the joint that was held out towards her, Delphine gave the girl an innocent look. "Play something… that makes you think of me." It felt like she was opening a door she shouldn't, a thousand warning signs blinking at her, vying for her attention.
"Ok…"
Delphine ignored them all, adoring the expression the teen's face.
Cosima's brow furrowed for a minute as she killed the joint, drawing out the moment dramatically with a questioning hum before a mischievous look came over her. She sat up a little straighter as she turned the guitar over on her lap, strings down. Instead of strumming, she began to beat out a rhythm on the body of the instrument.
"You and me baby ain't nothin but mammals, so let's do it like they do on the discovery channel…"
"Cosima!" Delphine cut her off before she could go any further.
"What?" Cosima gave her an innocent look before breaking out into a soft laugh. "You said pick a song that reminds me of you."
Delphine covered her face, feeling her cheeks growing red. She was a grown woman, she shouldn't be blushing, especially from the attention of a teenage. Maybe it was the way her memories were slowly bleeding away, or the way physiology was overpowering her mind….Biting her bottom lip, she cursed her teenage hormones before reaching out and playfully pushing Cosima on the shoulder. The girl was utterly ridiculous.
Cosima's laugh was equal parts joyous and infectious as she situated her guitar right way up on her lap. "Okay, okay. I'm kidding…" Though the look on her face made delphine question if she really was. Cosima's chuckles faded as she took on a more serious look, clearing her throat. There was a slight hesitation before she nodded, chewing on the corner of her lip for the barest of moments before she began to strum a soft melody.
The notes sounded vaguely familiar, Delphine decided as she tilted her head to the side, the girl's fingers easily sliding down the neck. For a moment she wondered if it was going to be an instrumental piece until the girl started singing, her voice soft and breathy.
"What's with these homies, dissing my girl?
Why do they gotta front?
What did we ever do to these guys?
To make them so violent?"
Of course it was familiar. Delphine felt her lips spreading into a smile as she rested her chin on her knee. She had heard the song at so many parties in college but this was the slowest and gentlest rendition she'd ever heard.
Woo-hoo, but you know I'm yours
Woo-hoo, and I know you're mine
Woo-hoo, and that's for all time
The acoustic melody and emotional words sounded slightly haunting as dark hazel eyes looked up, locking with her own.
Oo-ee-oo I look just like Buddy Holly
Oh-oh, and you're Mary Tyler Moore
I don't care what they say about us anyway
I don't care bout that
Delphine chuckled softly as the brunette strummed a few notes, her cheeks coloring the softest shade of red as her emotions battled with the chill of her skin. She watched as a sliver of the girl's tongue peaked out to wet her lips before continuing.
Don't you ever fear, I'm always near
I know that you need help
Your tongue is twisted, your eyes are slit
You need a guardian
Woo-hoo, and you know I'm yours
Woo-hoo, and I know you're mine
Woo-hoo, and that's for all time
When the girl's eyes dropped down to the guitar again, Delphine shifted, moving to her knees. Surprised eyes looked up as Delphine leaned closer, her strumming faltering just slightly before she continued singing, her voice soft and strained as Delphine's good hand came up to push a dread behind Cosima's ear.
Oo-ee-oo I look just like Buddy Holly
Oh-oh, and you're Mary Tyler Moore
I don't care what they say about us anyway
I don't care…
Cosima's words were cut off as soft lips pressed against her own. She was caught off guard, her hands still struggling to keep up with the notes despite the fact that her lips responded in turn, meeting Delphine's own exploration with ease. It wasn't until the blonde pressed closer, a tongue flicking across her lips, that she slid the guitar off her lap, removing the barrier between them.
It was insane, Delphine knew as her hand cupped the still chilled cheek. She'd been playing this ridiculous game of "what could happen" and she just wanted to be able to live. There was no way to know what changes she was making to the timeline of her life, no way of knowing what she was forgetting as she broke the kiss off, pressing her forehead to Cosima's. "I shouldn't be doing this." She whispered, brushing the tip of her nose against the girl's.
"Yes you totally should." Cosima grinned brightly, tipping her face up just slightly to capture lips again. When Delphine shifted closer, she found herself wrapping her arm around the blonde's waist, pulling her closer.
Delphine felt the fire engulf her blood as she straddled the girl's lap. The consequences suddenly seemed so miniscule as she gave in to the siren's call, meeting Cosima's timid lips again in a kiss that reached down inside her, bringing her teen self to the surface and inspiring an innocent carelessness.
In her entire life, she'd only been with one person, Paul, and she had very few memories of his touch beyond the stumbling yet over confident bravado of their teenage intimacy. It was so strange to find herself getting lost in the gentle embrace of cautious hands, warm fingertips a direct contrast to her chilled skin.
And yet there was that voice of caution in the back of her mind. She couldn't let this go any further, couldn't let herself cross the line even as she began to forget. Cosima was 17 and she was…
She forgot how old she was, how many years she'd lived with Paul, and how many years she'd been unhappy. She didn't know if it was the drugs spurring her inhibitions, detaching her mind from reality just enough that she… With a small gasp, she broke off the kiss, struggling to catch her breath as she leaned back slightly. She could feel the palm splayed against the small of her back beneath her shirt, heat radiating through her body. "Désolée…"
Cosima, to her credit, nodded quickly before burying her face in Delphine's shoulder