Chapter 9
"Why did you do that?" Cosima was sitting on the floor, blowing out a long stream of smoke. She offered the joint to Delphine who was laying on the floor, her head resting on Cosima's thigh.
Delphine accepted the joint, taking a small pull from it, thinking about her answer. "I don't know." She answered honestly. She didn't want to lie to Cosima. For some reason, she knew she would tell the girl anything. "It felt like the right thing to do." If she asked. "Not like I owed it to you or any bullshit like that, but it felt right to me."
Cosima seemed to contemplate that, accepting the joint back. She pursed her lips as she carefully tapped the ashes into the makeshift ashtray that had once upon a time been a can of tunafish. "I don't want to be anyone's experiment."
Tipping her head back, Delphine could see the serious gaze locking with her own eyes. "I don't want to experiment with you, Cosima." Whatever this was, something told her this wasn't some sort of trial and error. Nothing near as simple as that. She didn't even understand her own emotions, so she didn't fault the brunette's suspicion. There was a wary caution in the dark eyes and she wished she could offer some other sort of comfort.
"What changed?"
Blinking through the stream of smoke, Delphine's brow furrowed in confusion. "What do you mean?"
"You were always kind to me, but like, you were kind to everyone but there wasn't much beyond that." Cosima watched her closely. "I mean, you were just this… beautiful girl who everyone loved that was completely outside my bubble and… Suddenly you need tutoring when you used to have straight A's. You broke up with your boyfriend and quit the cheerleading squad." When Delphine takes the joint from her, she runs fingers through blonde curls, just a little surprised when light hazel eyes close and a smile slips across her pale features. "You're not like some evil twin or robot are you?"
Delphine had to laugh. Before waking up in the past, she could have sworn she was the same person she had always been. She made it a life mission to be kind to people, sometimes at her own expense, but she realized now how guarded she's always been. Had it always been some fake side of her she projected?
She wanted to tell Cosima everything. Maybe telling her would help? After all… if Cosima knew she was going to die… maybe she would go to the doctor. It seemed logical… at least to her mind that was starting to feel as though she was floating. "You'll think I'm crazy if I tell you." But would the universe rebel against her decisions? There was a reason for everything wasn't there? What if the world ended up a horrible place because of this? What if she'd irreparably damaged her future for the worse?
Cosima rose her eyebrows, her lips pulling back into a smile. "Why would I ever think that?"
"Because… there are times that I doubt my own sanity."
It was the solemn tone that caught Cosima's attention and her smile wavered. "Try me."
Reaching up to caress the back of Cosima's neck, Delphine gave the brunette her own smile, pulling gently. "I'd love to try you." She whispered just before their lips meet again. She knew she shouldn't, that they were having a serious conversation, but she could feel a pleasant hum coursing through her limbs and she couldn't stop herself. Her body was overrun with teenage hormones and she couldn't even remember the last time she wanted to kiss someone so much.
Cosima laughed a few seconds later, breaking off the kiss. "You know that's not what I meant."
"I think it's a little too soon to try other things." Delphine wanted to slap herself after the words slipped out. Sitting up, she caught the shocked look Cosima was giving her. "Merde. I didn't mean to say that out loud."
"But you were thinking it." Cosima pushed her glasses further up her nose, the look on her face somewhere between a sappy grin and a confused frown. "You've thought about… it?"
Delphine felt a blush coloring her cheeks. "Whether I have or not, I'd rather not talk about it right now." She slid closer until she and Cosima were pressed side to side. "Why are you so concerned about me caring about you?"
"Super popular student suddenly interested in school outcast?" Cosima shrugged in uncertainty. "I don't know if you've just never seen like the dozens of teen movies with this very situation but the last thing I want is to go Carrie on everyone when Paul appears out of nowhere dropping a pail of blood on my head."
"Do you have some sort of telepathy that I'm not aware of?" Delphine cringed, but she could see exactly what the brunette was insinuating. "If anyone is getting a bucket of blood dropped on them, it's Paul." Laying back down, she laughed at the thought, but mostly because the weed was starting to kick in. "He definitely deserves it. I don't care how many TV shows he's starred in."
Cosima blinked in confusion. "How many tv roles has he gotten?"
"He hasn't yet." Delphine felt an odd cloud of comfort slide over her and she turned on her side, wrapping an arm around the brunette's thigh. "Not for another 2 years. Then another 10 years before it's anything really substantial."
"What are you talking about?" Cosima couldn't stop herself, running her fingers through blonde hair.
"You asked what changed. I have been to the future and I know what my life will be like 20 years from now." She sniffled. Somewhere in her head, a warning went off, telling her to keep her mouth shut, but it was overwhelmed by a strange desire to have Cosima believe her. "Or maybe I went back in time 20 years. I don't really know which anymore."
Cosima's eyebrows shot up. "Dude. You got high really fast."
"I did." Delphine laughed. "Before seeing you again, I haven't smoked since I was at a premier party for some stupid ass tv show about clones. Mmmm Cosima, you should learn to enjoy your life more. Life after high school is such bullshit."
"You almost sound serious." Cosima kills her joint but decides to play along. "20 years huh? Oprah still the queen of daytime TV?"
Delphine had to laugh at that. "Non. Oprah could not compete with Ellen."
"Ellen?"
"Oui. Ellen DeGeneres. She has the best TV show."
Cosima scoffed. "No way. Dude, she's gay. We can't even get married."
"Yet." Delphine smiled. "You can in my time. Ellen is."
The very thought was ludicrous and Cosima laughed. "Oh she is is she? To who?"
Delphine sighed softly, her fingertip tracing the wrinkles of the brunette's knee. "Mmm Portia De Rossi…. she's really sweet. I got to meet her once at a party."
"The hot blonde from Ally McBeal?" Now Cosima knew she was just going crazy. "... I gotta talk to Fe about this weed…"
"Felix!" Delphine laughs again. "Such a great artist. I went to a show of his a few months ago, it was quite lovely…. months… years from now… whatever." She felt a weariness slipping over her. She could swear could hear Cosima calling her name, but she gave in to the exhaustion.
"Oi. You alright, Delphine?"
Delphine blinked warily as a familiar face hovered over her own. She panicked slightly, sitting up as she scrambled away.
"Calm down." The teenage boy snorted, backing away slightly.
Delphine looked around, her eyes taking in where she was. She knew she was in Cosima's basement but she didn't know why Felix was there and she felt her anxiety rising until she saw Cosima coming down the stairs.
"Hey, you're awake. How are you feeling?" Cosima dropped down onto the floor, offering her a cup of ice water.
"A little groggy." Delphine blinked, taking a sip of the water. "What's going on?"
"A little too much pot for you, Luv." Felix shook his head, pushing himself up to a stand. "You should eat something… maybe take a shower… you'll be fine."
Delphine felt an odd sense of being overwhelmed, the world spinning just enough to keep her off balance. Looking down into the glass of water, she couldn't quite put a finger on what was wrong.
"Hey." Cosima's hand landed on her shoulder. "You want me to take you home?"
Maybe that was what she needed. Delphine nodded, pushing herself to her feet and swaying just slightly.
It was a relatively quick trip and thankfully her parents weren't home as she found herself stumbling up the stairs. Standing in the center of her room, her mind went over the earlier conversation and a new panic washed over her.
"What the hell are you doing?" Delphine paced in the privacy of her room, her hand on her forehead. "You've gone completely insane." She couldn't believe the insanity she'd given into.
She'd kissed Cosima. Cosima who was 20 years younger than her. Cosima who was still, for all intents and purposes, a child. She was a grown woman who'd lived decades longer than the brunette and here she was acting like some stupid teenager. What was going to happen when she returned to the future, if she returned to the future? 20 years from now, Cosima was dead. She was married to Paul. She was heavily medicated on anti-anxiety meds and alcohol.
Kissing Cosima was so far from acceptable, she should be arrested.
And still… she'd felt herself melt. Tentative lips had sent a thrill through her, one she hadn't remembered feeling in a long time… if ever. She reflected on a lifetime of memories, surprised that she was having difficulty, not just pinning down moments that she'd felt were similar, but memories in general. She knew she would marry Paul, that Cosima would die, but memories that once came to her easily were starting to blur around the edges.
Scott had gotten married, hadn't he? What was his wife's name? Had she gone to the reunion with Paul? No… she wouldn't have. Who had she gone with?
Suddenly, the world was spinning and Delphine had to take a seat. She could feel panic creeping up from within as she realized what was going on. She was losing herself one miniscule detail at a time.