You Survived for Something
Lexa slowly opens her eyes and takes a moment to allow everything to sharpen back into focus from the blur of freshly opened eyes.
"Beep."
I'm alive?
"Beep."
How is that possible?
"Beep."
The vague murmur of muffled voices out in a hall pulls her further back to consciousness. White walls, ceilings and floors seem too bright for her throbbing head. The light is loud.
“Beeb.”
Where am I?
"Beeb."
She picks her head slowly just a bit off the firm pillow to see monitors and machines too her left and right. The steady beep of a heart monitor fills the room. Her eyes cast downward, slowly realizing she is in a hospital bed. Firm mattress, white sheets, dark teal blankets heavy on her legs and all.
"Beeb."
What's going on?
"Beeb."
She feels like death. It isn’t but a second before her mouth starts watering uncontrollably the only warning before she loses the contents of her stomach into her lap.
"Beeb."
Lexa lurches forward tears coming to her eyes from the too sudden involuntary movement bile spilling from her burning throat leaving a bitter taste in her mouth.
“Beeb.”
It is warm and damp on her lap through the blankets as she looks down at the yellow mixture of mucous and water. Her mouth begins watering again. Not again. Her body is screaming as she loses the last bit of acid from her gut until she is dry heaving in attempt to get something unknown out of her system. Little black spots dance at the edges of her vision growing until there is nothing to see but black.
Her eyes open much easier this time from where she had collapsed back into the slightly inclined upper part of the bed, the room empty again.
“Beep.”
Lexa looks down at her body to see she is under a clean blanket and in a new hospital gown that covers most of her shivering body up. Multiple tubes run into an IV port on her upper left arm, wires stuck to her chest. The adhesive foreign and uncomfortable on her skin as she fights wanting to pull them off. Not that she could, as her right arm is strapped to her body in a sling. Her mouth is so dry her spit feels more like powder, an equally terrible feeling as the excessive watering that was there when she woke the first time. The oxygen tube up her nose blows even drier air into her breath-way this time she moves to pull it out unable to take the added discomfort she could actually do something about.
“Beep."
She fights to sit up from the inclined bed very slowly, stiff joints and sore muscles making it painfully impossible to move. Once she is up and panting from the effort she can feel the blood rushing to her head threatening to knock her back out. Her back is killing her and she knows she shouldn’t be moving at all but she has to get up. She has a to. How long have I been out? Am I safe? In her confusion Lexa unsnaps the gown on her right shoulder running her hand over a thick padded dressing and finds one similar in the middle of her chest running the length of her sternum. What’s going on?
“Beep."
She struggles to put a full thought together through dense fog swirling through her head. The next beep doesn’t seem to come as it fades into background noise as her focus shifts to her mouth starting to water again. No. Please. No. The soldier is utterly miserable as she retches forward, her body still attempting to rid itself of something though there isn’t anything left in her stomach to get rid of.
As the beeping fades the voices in the hall grow clearer slowly until she can make out familiar voices raised from hush tones to yelling in the hallway. “Let me tell her when she wakes up. IF SHE EVER DOES ALL THE WAY AGAIN!” Tell me what? IF I wake up? I’m awake?
Noticing a window on the door she squints trying to learn more of her settings. They don’t feel right. The shadow of a large man in a white coat looks down at a tall woman who shoves at his chest. “WE ALREADY LOST ONE OF THEM. I CAN’T. I CAN’T TAKE LOSING HER TOO.” Who did we lose? Where's Gus? He wraps the women in his arms and pulls her in close and shifts his head to look back at the room while his chin rests on the top of her head. Shock flashes across the man’s - Nyko’s - face as his eyes meet green ones they’ve been longing to see.
“She’s-Lexa’s up." He opens the door slowly and turns to Anya as he sticks halfway into the door. "Don't tell her yet." All Lexa see’s is a slow nod from her worried mentor and can’t help but be a little irritated that they speak as if she can’t hear them. As she steps into the room Anya wipes her tear stained cheeks and Lexa watches her shoulders rise and fall in a long breath.
Lexa’s relieved when they put aside whatever they were arguing about and walk in together. "Hey there kiddo how you feeling?" Fucking shitty. Nyko asks when he is in full sight at the foot of the bed flipping open her chart.
She opens her mouth to speak but no words pass her lips, only a hardly audible squeak. She knows what she wants to say but the words won't come, they won’t form on her tongue, they can’t pass her vocal chords and panic rises in her chest.
The two shoot each other a look only solidifying the panic as the brunette notices the heart monitor in the background speeding up a little bit. The familiar doctor nods hinting to Lexa they assumed she would have trouble speaking. Anya and Nyko walk slowly to the confused and anxiety stricken girl, both standing close together at the side of the bed. Nyko in a shirt tie and his white coat, Anya in her uniform - green pants, pressed khaki shirt and tie, shining brass, a pretty good chunk of chest candy.
Lexa tries again to speak with fail before Anya puts her hand on the fragile girl’s back. Lexa grimaces and a groan slips from her lips at the screaming nerves agitated on her back. The longer the hand remains the easier it gets to bear, it’s as if the comfort bit her at first but eventually the gentle touch of her hand washes away the panic as the familiarity she hasn’t felt in a long time comes rushing back. “Lex, you need to lay back down." She helps the girl ease down sliding the oxygen back beneath her nose.
The warm mattress welcomes her raw back as she relaxes as much as she can into it. Anya’s hand remaining on her shoulder incapable of letting go of her little sister she just got back. Lexa still anxious of the situation despite these comforts - something is missing - opens her still dry mouth thankful the words come this time but with too much effort. "Wh-Wh-Where?" She stutters in a raspy whisper, a voice she doesn’t recognize.
“Mass General in Boston, you’re home Lex.” Tears fall from the man’s eyes getting lost in his beard. The droplets of water suspended in the dark hair at his cheeks. The hand at her shoulder gives a small squeeze. “You’re home.”
She can’t help but stare back up at him with questioning eyes unable to come up with exactly what she wants to ask. There are so many questions.. so manny…
“You-You don't remember what happened?" Anya chokes out in a higher than usual voice as Lexa shakes her head slightly causing an eruption of nausea to well inside her. She does note the slight bit of relief that washes over the woman before her head spinning takes too much of her attention. Please not again. No more.
“You escaped then were rescued from a prison camp in the Mountains of Afghanistan." Nyko explains softly. "You almost died… you did.. die. They resuscitated you three times in the field, more times back here. It has been real touch and go." At the information she becomes award of the tender skin over her heart and on her side likely from the electricity sent through her body.
Lexa begins to dry heave again, her head spinning at the news. Tears streak down her cheeks. Make it stop. Please. Make it stop. Anya is holding her and rubbing her back, her tender screaming back, and muttering comforts into the ear near her head. Nyko pages an anesthesiologist. Not much time passes before a large new doctor concludes her allergies to the pain medication and the anti-inflammatory as well. He turns Nyko as he removes one of the tubes “We need to keep her on the IV. I’ll see what I can do about this.”
The now stoic doctor only nods and offers a quick thank you as he sits next to the small girl on the other side of the bed. Lexa allows her weight to shift to a very painful hip as she leans into his side. His arms surround her gentle at her back and tucking the trembling tense girl into his chest. “Easy Lex. It’s ok. Breathe for me, kiddo.”
She squeezes her eyes shut as a memory rips it’s way through the dense fog of her mind taking her from reality a moment as Nyko continues to try and soothe her. “Breathe for me, Lexa! Come on, Breathe damn it.” She feels the hands on her chest crushing her sternum as they pump her heart for her. Dry lips locking over hers as her nose is pinched shut. A warm sensation in her arm follows a demand for epinephrine followed by more chest crushing pressure. She just wants it to stop. Make it stop. Let me go. Just let me go. “Come on. Come on. You’re not done yet, Lexa! Fight!” Lightning arcs through her body as her muscles tense around it as she feels her heart weakly tapping a lazy rhythm against her aching ribcage.
“Good, Lexa. It’s ok.” He lowers her back into the bed again away from his warm body and runs a hand back over her head before she feels sticky lips on her forehead. A softer groan whisks through the air at the slow movement of her back and the pain ripping through the rest of her body like a flash flood through closed pipes - pressurized, fast, wild.
“My…Throat… Hurts…” She huffs out with each breath forming a hardly audible word. Her whole body hurts truthfully but her throat is raw and she doesn’t understand why. Each breath feels like razor blades and trying to swallow is like a knife drawing down along with it. Tears come to her eyes as she swallows a sip of water. More razor blades scrape the inside of her neck as the last bit of water rips down. She blinks some more willing the tears dry.
“You were intubated. Two days ago you started fighting it so we took it out. You’re going to feel a little bit scratchy for a few days, kiddo.” Lexa knew from hanging around with her dad that people fighting intubation was not super pretty. They panicked. They gagged. They choked.
”What” Lexa pauses for a long moment trying to gather the word and her breath as the huffed out the word with all the air she could manage. What is the word she’s looking for? Why won’t the air work in her lungs? Happened. What happened. A deep breath in, followed by a much shorter huff of air fueling the whisper ”happened?"
Anya who has taken a seat next to the bed her puts her hand on the weak girl’s forearm as Nyko stands protectively on the other side of the bed watching the two girls. Lexa loves the comfort but the touches as soft as they are still add to the pain. “You...” she pauses for a second as she closes her eyes and lets a shaky breath pass before offering a small smile. “You basically volunteered for an assignment, a rescue, for a female asset. You were captured and - and… they had you for about four months. Somehow you managed to kill most of the guards before they realized…”
She takes another deep breath squeezing her eyes shut this time as she imagines what her sister had to do… The bloody beaten and broken Lexa fighting her way out, killing men in intimate ways - up close and personal. No bullets. No jet dropping bombs. She knew killing was in the job description but the fact that Lexa knew how to do it so efficiently and had to know what any of this was like sat wrong in her stomach. But she was so proud, so so proud of Lexa all the same.
The world should not be like this. We should not have to fight its battles.Was the concept of liberty so hard to grasp? Treating people like human beings? But they did and will continue too because it was in their blood, in their very souls - written on their hearts, ingrained into their being. It wasn’t noble or anything like that. It was just the way it was. People have duties and destinies they are born into and this was theirs. The were the ones called from the comforts to war with a soul crushing responsibility to fulfill it. And the saddest part, maybe, to Anya is that she knew Lexa would do it again in a heartbeat if it was asked of her, if it meant no one else had to.
She should know. Lexa should know what she did to save all those people. She should know what a hero she is. She deserved that much. So Anya pressed on. “You got a lot of people out and hidden kept going back for more, a lot of the men were too weak to do much, they were in there longer. You were heading toward the rendezvous point with the last of them when the enemy got reinforcements.”
The brunette slightly nods telling her to continue while vague memories attempts weakly to surface. The movement sends shooting pain down her entire body trailing like a hot piece of fire down a wick on it’s way to a stick of dynamite in the old cartoons. It’s her head that explodes with more pain first, then her abdomen. Lexa can’t help but moan in agony her face twisting in a grimace her free arm grabbing at her torso writhing in a ball of agony into the mattress. "We need to find something that will help with the pain" the doctor whispers to Anya’s ear again as if Lexa couldn’t hear him.
She relaxes again as much as she can as the pain dissipates. “Somewhere in there you were shot a bunch and ended up in a fight as the rescue chopper you called for on one of their satellite phones was getting the others out. ” she pauses again to take a deep breath. “When they got the others out you were surrounded. Apparently you had fallen down a cliff in the fight. You stole the man’s knife and as you fell down a smaller portion of the cliff you threw the knife and got him.”
Something else happened but she couldn’t remember. There was more. More before the fight. More after. The her body was tensing with more dry heaving, the medicine still not out of her system.
“You were rolling quickly off a larger cliff but somehow caught yourself, more like rolled into a tree. But you were already surrounded at that point. Titus had you and beat up on you a bit before shooting you in the chest. The rescue team got to you just in time. Somewhere in there you blew out your knee again, shattered your hip, and had a compound fracture in your other leg. Some of the guys said that you carried people out after you fell down a different cliff when you lead some of the guards from where the others were hiding, that's when they think you got shot the other times. You did good Lex. You did real good.”
I got out. I'm alive and I’m out. Lexa tries to grasp the concept but the world flashes to total darkness. I’m home.
When she wakes up again someone is by the bed sleeping in a chair and hardly visible in her peripheral vision. "Ayn?" She whispers with a weak scratchy voice she doesn’t recognize.
The older woman jolts awake stiffening in her uniform before relaxing and leaning forward toward the bed. "Hey sis, good to see you awake." She smiles and runs her hand over the top of Lexa’s head trying to sooth her. Too weak to respond vocally Lexa offers a weak smile noticing the strap around her arm and the bandages on her shoulder are gone but a large stiff brace on her leg she didn't notice before.
Lexa grasps at that annoying oxygen thing again but Anya stops her with a gentle press of her hand to the girls unusually pallid forearm. Her skin warm on Lexa’s that feels too hot but she started to shiver anyway. "Leave it. Here drink this." she ladled some soup broth in a spoon and tilts the bed up further before making Lexa sip on it. The warmth of the broth and the wetness of it soothes the brunette’s throat. The motion continues in silence for a long time as the soup cools to hardly lukewarm and the small bowel is empty.
“Ca-“ Lexa swallows past the dry part of her mouth gaining some help for her vocal chords. Anya looks down at her eyes wide and brow creased as her worry finds a home in her features. “Can I go to the bathroom?”
“Lex…” She smiles gently at the confused brunette as she slowly becomes aware of the tubing between her legs. Her cheeks become pink in embarrassment and an odd sense of defeat consumes her. Oh. Oh. Anya shifts further forward in her chair to run another hand over her hair and rest another on Lexa’s arm. “Hey, hey.. Lexa.. it’s ok. You’ve been out a while. It’s ok. We’ll get it out soon ok?”
She offers a short nod with red cheeks adding color to her unusually pale skin. She rolls her head to her shoulder away from Anya as she allows herself a moment. She’s glad her sister doesn’t press as she fights a battle in her head. “Can I sit up?”
Anya’s worry melts away for the moment as she lets a nervous chuckle escape her lips. “Ok, nice and easy, just don’t tell Nyko.” Lexa wants to add, when do we ever tell Nyko, but the words just don’t come. Anya’s hands move softly behind the girl as she helps her up with the rising back of the bed. Lexa can’t move on her own and pretty much regrets the movement as soon as it starts. Her shoulder and abdomen throb with unbelievable intensity and it is a struggle to breathe her back is screaming with such rawness she tells Anya to stop, gasping past more then raspy vocal chords.
At her even slightly increased angle she can see more of the room and the brunette catches a glimpse of her body in a mirror. Her 5'10" frame is normally 144 pounds of lithe muscle is no more then about 95 of pale freshly scarred skin hanging off healing bones. Her face bony and hollow, a ghost of who she once was. Gone is long wavy hair. It's kinda sad, she liked her hair, but it isn’t the first time she’d had a shaved head. Lexa realizes she resembles her father in a picture from when he was younger, but a much smaller, skinnier, weaker version in every sense. Kinda like I am in real life…
"Your hair will grow back in no time." Anya smiles trying to cheer her sister up, as she notices Lexa watching herself in the mirror clearly upset by her appearance. Lexa does look like a different person. Her jaw usually sharp seems to threaten to slice through her skin. The Even her eyes, normally clear, seam hazed over. All is changed.
As Lexa is looking in the mirror Anya starts to help Lexa sit up more as the girl struggles to do it herself despite the pain ripping through her body. “I’ll do it." She manages to choke out, words still a struggle to formulate let alone vocalize. Anya’s arms shoot out to grab her, her face the very picture of worry but Lexa needs to do something. It takes a lot more energy in her attempt then she thought it would and she becomes immediately exhausted, head spinning from the pain and exertion. Lexa turns to her quiet comfort and without a word Anya jumps in to help her and supports her sister who is unable to hold herself at the angle she managed to get from the bed before the pain stopped her.
"You'll get it back." she tries to encourage but all Lexa can offer is an embarrassed nod for the second time in the last twenty minutes. "Don't be embarrassed. You're body has been through a lot, Lex. You won't have much energy." she gingerly lays her back in the bed as if a single touch will shatter her freshly returned sister. “You really shouldn’t be moving.” A shaky hand finds its way over the top of Lexa’s head again.
Lexa tries to breathe a little deeper to stop the spinning in her head but the effort makes her gasp in pain her rib cage aching intensely. A lump slides down Anya’s throat as she watches helplessly as her sister struggles to even breathe. "I'm sorry, they had to crack your chest again last week. You were stable enough to take the rounds out, they were worried they would cause too much damage if they left them in. As if you haven’t been through enough already." she whispers softly so no one hears her, Lexa hardly makes out the last utterance.
“It’s ok.” She gives the older woman’s hand a squeeze as it found hers sometime. It’s warm and sweaty against her own that seems so cold. Anya always did have clammy hands. Sad eyes look up at her from where they glanced down at the fingers laced together. Tears threatening to spill over eyelids that hang heavy around tired brown eyes as Anya looks up at Lexa.
A brief turn of the head away and her hand brings the collar of her shirt up to her face before she turns back to face the brunette pressing the back of her head into the pillow fighting off a new wave of pain assaulting her lower back and leg. “We can watch some tv or something if you don't want to sleep."
"Sounds good.” The two of them were always good ad moving past what ever it was neither of them wanted to talk about until they couldn’t. Lexa didn’t have it in her to pry or to comfort Anya and Anya couldn't put it into words. They understood each other. That was enough for now.
"What do you want to watch?" She asks sitting back in her chair taking up the remote and crossing her legs. Lexa notices she’s in her uniform but her shirt is untucked on onside and slightly wrinkled, the military creases more like shadows and the green tie thing pulled off and laying on top of her jacket folded over the back of the uncomfortable looking chair. The creases in her pants didn’t seem as sharp as usual either. It looked like the uniform had been on too long. A few days maybe? She didn’t know but Anya’s brass even looked dim and she was always a stickler for making sure everything was perfect. Damn Marines.
“You look like hell.” She trains her eyes on Anya’s as they look over at her from the TV screen as she mutters softly to her sister.
“The same could be said for you, ya little shit.” She doesn’t smile though Lexa knows she’s partially kidding partially deflecting. She only tilts her head and attempts to raise an eyebrow in question. “I haven’t had a chance to go back to the hotel, ok? And Nyko hasn't either.” She looks down at her less than tidy uniform and huffs out a deep breath. Why couldn't Gus get it? “I had to go take care of some things and they pulled you out of a medically induced coma four days ago. I wanted to be here - either way. I don’t give a damn if my uniform looks like shit.”
“I’m sorry.” Lexa mutters, feeling terrible for having put Anya through all that waiting.
“Don’t be Lex, it’s not your fault. Not at all.”
Lexa shifts her cloudy vision back toward the television trying to get away from the topic “What’s on?" Anya shifts as she flips through the channels haphazardly stopping when it comes to ESPN’s replays of old championship basketball games. "This one.” Lexa says without realizing that Anya was thinking the same thing as the remote was already on the table beside the bed.
“Basketball huh? Some things never change” the older girl teases, glad to see some life, some excitement out of her sister though she is still fighting the onslaught of emotion their brief conversation brought.
“Whatever, you love it too." the words hard to croak out with the incredibly depleted energy, and pain firing through her back as she turns her head to look at Anya running her hand over the top of her head and over her face. She pauses to pinch the bridge of her nose before she feels Lexa’s eyes on her.
"Yeah, yeah." She offers a half smile around increasingly tired features. That keep glancing at Lexa just to make sure she’s really here, really awake. The TV changes to a commercial pretty quickly after Anya turns it on and the older girl decides to give her a warning of sorts. "After we hang out for a little bit the Doctors want to talk to you about some things, kid.”
"Ok." Lexa smiles, she missed Anya so much she doesn’t really care about the serious heart broken tone behind the words. "Can we watch the whole game?" She really doesn’t want to deal with the doctors, she just wants to lay here with Anya and pretend nothing happened for a little while longer - she had a feeling that was why they weren’t telling her whatever it was yet. Though, pretending nothing happened was hard to do with the excruciating sensations ripping through her nerves.
"Yes, but after that we have work to do." she is smiling as she shoots a quick wink at her sister face that seems to grow more pale by the moment as more pain medication works its way out of her system, both knowing Lexa won't have the energy to do any work. The brunette knows that there is some things that need taking care of though, but she not totally sure what. She can worry about that later.
In the background she hears the announcer but her attention is on her sister and the panic forming in her own apparently actually cracked chest as the pain grows and her mind wanders through the dense fog swirling in her thoughts. “Ayn?”
The tone in Lexa’s crackling voice slightly louder then a whisper gets the older girl’s attention but not in a good way. Something is wrong. “What is it? Do you need something?” The words rush into the air laced with the anxiety written in her posture. “Are you hurting? What can I do?”
“Will you lay with me? I miss you.” Lexa doesn’t know where this is coming from but her lips feel loose and her mind isn’t working properly. And she was a little scared though she knew she was safe here she couldn’t shake the terror gripping deep at her consciousness. Anya’s eyes soften into a laugh that never passes her lips as she senses the fear in her little sister’s eyes “I miss you so much.” Lexa’s nose stings as her eyes grow wet with emotion incapable of being held back.
“Sure, sis.” She moves the sheets and slides under them her hip pressed to Lexa’s good one and helps the girl move closer to her, situating them so she can hold and support Lexa determined never to let go of her again. “I’m right here. You’re ok.”
“I’m scared, Anya.” She whispers as Anya pulls her in closer careful not to move her back too much though it’s stiff in a brace Lexa is now just noticing. Terror is gripping at her limbs, fear conquering her mind. She’s not quite sure what she is so afraid of though. The pain she’s in. What’s actually happened. That the memories will come back. That they won’t.
A hand runs over the side of Lexa’s head in soothing motions. “It’s ok, Lexa. I’ve got you. You’re safe.” She soothes the trembling brunette as she calms back down. “It’s ok to be afraid little one, but I’ve got you now.” Anya wouldn't tell her she didn't have to be afraid anymore, she knew Lexa knew that, she would just offer what comfort she could. Lexa wishes she didn’t have the immobilizer on her leg or the brace on her back, she would curl into Anya’s side and hide like she did all those years ago, but she couldn’t. She half wanted to argue that she wasn’t a “little one” anymore but she also half wanted to just be that for a moment. Not a beat up and broken soldier. Not a leader with crushing responsibility. Just Anya’s little one.
The thing is Lexa knew even in her current state that as much as she needed comfort from the pain and things ripping at her heart and mind she could’t understand, Anya needed to comfort her. Be there for her. But Anya also needed comfort herself. Lexa saw it in the way her shoulders slouched under a weight Lexa knew she had put there for how ever long she had been missing and unconscious. She sat slouched instead of the usual authority she always exuded. Her eyes were bloodshot and accented by hints of black beneath them. She looked like a mess, as much as Anya would let herself look like a mess. She was putting on a brave face for Lexa, but Lexa knew better. She knew Anya better then she knew herself sometimes.
She runs her tung along the top of her dry mouth as she try to comfort her older sister but all that passes in a croak is “Water?” Lexa really wasn’t sure why that was what snuck past her crackling vocal chords and not I’m not ok, Anya, but I will be. You don’t have to worry anymore. I’m home. I’m right here too.
Her chest bounces below Lexa softly at the short change, Lexa gets the feeling she knows what Lexa was going to say but how could she? “So needy when you’re drugged.” She reaches back to the table and grabs the cup and straw holding it to Lexa’s mouth and sliding the straw between her slightly parted teeth. “Here.” Lexa takes a slow sip before Anya puts it back.
“I don’t like drugs.” She mutters remembering how poorly her body reacts to pain medication and just about everything but ibuprofen.
“I know" she adds quietly running her hand in soothing motions over Lexa’s arm “these seem better though, just a light sedative trying to help with the pain.” It’s not doing a very good job.
"Oh." After that the two watch part of the game in a peace neither of them has had in so long. Lexa has no energy to talk, its frustrating but it takes all of her concentration to watch the game with out getting dizzy, which doesn’t really work at all. It isn’t long before her eyes close partially in exhaustion partially to fight off the spinning.
She dozes off somewhere in the middle with her head resting on Anya’s shoulder in the arms of her older sister who is so glad to have her back. Anya presses her nose to the side of the smaller brunettes head remembering all they have gone through together, all she’s seen Lexa through when no one else was there. All Lexa’s been there for her through. She deserves so much better but this was their life. This is what they were meant to do, Anya and Lexa both had known that for a long time. But that didn’t mean that it didn’t suck. “I’m sorry I couldn’t protect you, Lex, but I’ve got you now. You’re safe. Welcome home little one. I’ve missed you. I’ve missed you more then you will ever know.” Anya lets the tears roll down her cheeks as she rests her head on top of Lexa’s. Watching the heart monitor and feeling Lexa’s slow sleeping breaths tickle her neck as they try to prove to the older woman that she’s alive and right there in Anya’s arms. She may be far from ok, but at least she’s awake.
Lexa wakes up very slowly, Anya feels her breathing change before her head shifts. She wakes just in time for the end to see the buzzer beater shot. It reminds her of her own all those years ago that now seems like more then a few lifetimes. Nyko steps in looking all happy to see his friends together but Lexa picks up on a saddened seriousness as he jerks his head toward the hall reluctant to pull Anya from Lexa’s side. He knows both girls need each other and wants to share in their comforts but he was the doctor here. He had to be objective. Lexa, Anya, and Gus had been when they were at war. Now it was his turn. "Anya we need to talk to you."
They are in the hall having a heated discussion but Lexa can't make out their muffled words the exhaustion is taking over her mind and she just wants to lay with Anya more as she sleeps. Lexa however sees Anya is rapidly shaking her head “no” through the window. It looks like she is pleading with them for something. Lexa remembers vaguely last time they talked that they were deciding to tell her something - maybe that is what this is about. She has a hard time doubting that Anya is pleading for them to give her more time without having to deal with the full consequences of her injuries. Lexa has a feeling they are intensive - she’s never been in this much pain in her life but that thought gets pushed quickly from her head as she thinks that, maybe, how she got this hurt in the first place may have felt worse.
Anya looks upset, more so then usual, as they go back and forth. After a few minutes she agrees with the unfamiliar doctor and they turn to walk in Nyko following shortly behind. Lexa looks away from the door and back to the TV that is suddenly shut off making Lexa pay attention to the group in the room she was avoiding. The 'lead' doctor has a remote in her hand and tosses it into the chair, but she isn't the only white coat in the room. There is a team of about 5 of them, not including Nyko who is now dressed in civilian clothes.
"Hello Alexandra. Very glad to see you feeling better." Lexa nearly flinches at the use of her full name but lets it slide. That’s unimportant right now. The doctor had started talk to Lexa happily but Lexa could see a glint of something in the woman’s eyes, she’s not very good at hiding things. Lexa was always good at reading people though so it’s not really her fault. In her diminished state she can’t tell what it is but something deep in her chest knows it's not good.
"Just cut to the chase.” Lexa has no patience for sugarcoating, nor does she want it. She is stronger then that, at least she hopes she is. She needs to hear it strait up, she has too.
The older dirty blonde woman looks at Anya and she nods in approval, Anya’s eyes boring into Nyko’s. Before they tell Lexa anything Anya walks over to a window and looks out to the shining day with a large sigh. Funny, Lexa hadn't even noticed it was there.
"Do you remember when we told you how you got out?” Nyko starts softly as he takes a step closer.
"Yes." No. No. No. Lexa had a bad feeling about where this was going.
"Well. About your injuries... Your body went through a lot up on that mountain kiddo.”
She nods, head erupting in a massive headache. He carries on with his explanation after noticing the clench of Lexa’s face and a slight groan. She’s really got to quit doing that. "The previous injuries that you had sustained in the initial ambush and while captured were very severe. In combination with the trauma induced in the final part of the escape…" He slows down his big spiel and looks toward the doctors surrounding her bed his eyes softening even more as they fall on Anya still standing by the window for a second before returning to her. "They were not able to fully repair the damage done to your knee and hip. You will never have the strength or mobility you once did."
Lexa doesn’t grasp why that is such a big deal initially. She was way faster and stronger than average before, even with injuries. So what she will be a little less above average then she was, that’s not too bad. She can handle that. "Ok."
Sensing the air of calmness about the girl in the bed he continues not wanting to break the bad news to the closest thing he has to a kid sister but knowing he has too. She has to hear it. "Lexa, you will likely never regain 'average' strength or mobility. It will be probably 40 to 50 percent of average. You will never be able to do some things you used to. And the injury to your back is…well… we still don’t know the full extent of the damage but Lexa, it’s bad. You can’t…” He swallows past a lump in his throat. “You’re career is over. I'm sorry."
She can't believe what she just heard. The brunette searches the doctor's eyes for something telling her this isn't true. She looks to Anya, she can't even look at her little sister but Lexa can see the tears rolling down her cheeks as her heart breaks for the younger girl all over again. No, NO! This can't be happening. Not to me. I’m not done. They still need me. I still need to finish what I started.
Lexa takes as deep of a breath as she can manage and lets it out slow, as it quivers in her chest now cracked in every sense of the term. She is going to show them how tough she is. How strong. That there is something different about her. Something…
The mixture of emotion running through her is confusing at best. Ok with it, yet not. Furious, but calm. The emotions come and go rapidly alternating between shock, sadness, content, fear, denial, but complete and utter heartbreak always seems present and it is exhausting.
“That's ok." Lexa smiles up at the closest person she has to a brother and she can’t help but wonder where his actual brother is through all of this. Maybe he is still on tour. "I’ll figure it out. I always do.”
It's funny, she asked them to give it to her straight. She thought she was ready but you can never anticipate the weight of news like that. She’s trying so hard not to be shaken by it but this was her life they were talking about. All she’s ever known. What she was born to do, made for. What was she going to do?
"We want to check you out before you fall back asleep. To make sure everything is where we want it." The lead doctor steps back up - Dr. Griffin her coat says.
"Ok." What is she going to say? No?
"Everything looks like it's healing as well as it can. It's pretty text book so far with your more minor injuries." If those injuries even classify as minor - Lexa knew they didn’t. The doctor explains as she moves her arm around where the bullets pierced her shoulder and pokes and prods her fingers into her ribcage and hip. It is excruciating from the lack of pain medication and Lexa can't help but grit her teeth, sweat forming on her face, on her upper lip and nose, dripping from her forehead, the back of her hairline. Despite her efforts she moans out in the deep pain. She would be the one to be allergic to the only thing that could help her right now with any significance. Perfect. I’m home and this is still torture.
A nurse walks over to to her and unsnaps the gown. Leaving Lexa laying down partially naked. The doctors of different specialties take turns checking the defeated girl out offering little encouragement or apology. Its exhausting and annoying, not to mention extremely painful. The last test the others leave the room, save for Anya, as Dr. Griffin positions her in the bed to do an exam of where the not so stray bullets ran through her womb. She is slow and careful but not in-tuned to the fear Lexa’s body is betraying at the press of her hands. Anya thinks she catches it but at the look of determination on her little sisters face she doesn’t say anything. She scolds herself because she probably should have. She most definitely should have.
When that’s finally over the doctor gives her a rundown but Lexa pays no attention. She just wants to sleep, just wants to be left alone. The doctor calls Anya away from the window and into the hall with them.
The door doesn't shut all the way so Lexa can hear decently what is being said despite her fleeting consciousness and fluttering eyelids. "She is a tough one. The pain she is experiencing is enough to knock most people out. She will need help to recover- not just physically as I’m sure you know. Especially as the memories come back. It’s going to be extremely hard on her," she puts her hand on Anya’s shoulder who glares at the woman "on both of you, all three of you.” Four. There are four of us. Where the fuck is Gus? Her mentor wipes it off briskly as the doctor regards Nyko but doesn't correct her. What the hell, Anya? Where is your damn husband?
The lighter brunette just answers with a hardly contained snap. "Yeah. She is. Toughest person I know” anger dripping from her voice as she crosses her arms across her chest. Anya always defaulted to angry when she was upset. "Can't you do something about the pain? Anything. Because clearly that sedative isn’t helping one bit.” she pleads but the doctor shakes her head and Nyko does the same. “That's fucking ridiculous. Try harder. She’s been through enough.”
Dr. Griffin moves on past the comment. "You need to help her accept what has happened. After everything she’s been through, a lot is going to change. She’ll have to learn to walk again, do a lot of things differently probably. And you know the press will not make it any easier. They’ve been impossible already.”
Just one tear runs down her cheek to the pillow. She will just be a poster kid, a hero in the eyes of the people, maybe.. at least until they forgot about her sacrifice. Lexa hopes they forget about her sooner rather than later. She didn't want what ever credit they gave her, she just wanted to go back. And at least before she was semi-famous because she was good at basketball, or the first woman to make SF. She could actually do something to earn it. It's humiliating to think about what all this means. She wants to throw up at the disgust for herself settling in her gut, but there is nothing inside of her stomach left.
"Ok. I'll get her ready." She says as she walks in the door. Lexa looks out the window to the bright day outside unable to look at her mentor just yet but she can hear the door shut behind her. "I know you listened to that whole thing so I'm not going to give you the speech. You ok?" Lexa can hear it in her voice, it's loaded with worry and compassion, but strength too. Anya always was the strong one.
“Yeah. Fine." Lexa tries her damnedest to smile at her, for whatever reason she’s not as upset about the whole thing right now as she was just two seconds ago. I will get it back. I know I will, I have to. I'm Lexa Mother Fucking Woods. Only way to stop me is to kill me and those bastards fucking failed. I didn’t survive that bull shit for nothing. Because though she couldn’t remember what that bull shit was just yet, she knew.
“Lex. Don’t.” Her eyebrows soften above her eyes as she takes a step forward reaching out to comfort her little sister as best she could. She knew Lexa was devastated. She had to be. Hell, Anya was devastated for her. And she also knew devastated didn’t quite cover it. Lexa always felt things so deeply but tried to push past it and Anya knew that if she tried to do that with this it could destroy her.
“Don’t what?” She spits at the tender glance that had fallen on her, angry was her default too. “Don’t get my hopes up? Don’t act like it’s ok? Don’t what?!” She clenches her eyes shut trying to fight off the black spots starting to threaten her conciseness. Lexa knew the answer was all the above but she couldn’t handle that lecture right now. She just couldn’t. Her ribs were exploding at the out burst but she made herself press on. Her body throbs, she can't see straight but that doesn't matter. Anya’s, whatever it is, is palpable in the empty hospital room and Lexa can’t stand it.
“It has to be ok! There is no way in hell I’m letting them win. Does it look like I will just let this happen? They don’t get to do this to me. So I’m not getting my hopes up, that’s not what this is. I’m going to fucking fight because this is all I have. This isn’t happening. Not to me.” Her head begins to spin as she snarls past clenched teeth. The pain in her skull is nothing like a normal headache, but like her skull was a pressure cooker for her brain.
“Anya, damn it! I didn’t survive them..“ She cuts herself off not fully knowing what was done to her but also knowing that maybe it would sneak out of her mouth before she did and she wasn’t ready to verbalize what was done to her, not ready for how her sister will react if she finds out what Lexa thought happened is true. Lexa can’t shake the gut wrenching terror at the nagging thought replaying like a broken record - She doesn’t know what they did to her but she had her ideas and she has a terrible knowing feeling they aren’t far off. “whatever they did to me to be useless. I’m going back.” She lowers her voice, not really meaning to yell that loud as her anger switches back to devastation and panic. “I have to go back.”
Anya meets her eyes with Lexa’s and smiles as best she can. She really is trying, Lexa would give her that. “Ok.” Lexa looks at her quizzically not expecting the older woman to give up that easily from pressing her to deal with it, to accept reality. “Ok. It may take a while but we’ll get there.” Relief washes over the younger brunette as she tries to relax back into the bed. The pain renewing in waves over her body. “It’s not going to be easy, Lex, probably the hardest thing you’ll do. It’ll be a fight a brutal, brutal fight. It’s going to be painful as fuck and to say there’s a lot you have to overcome would be an understatement and we don’t even know half of it yet, but we will and it’s going to get really really fucking hard. And you’re going to want to quit and give up but you won’t. And even after everything you still may not get cleared. But I’m in.” She isn’t being discouraging but honest and it’s a quality Lexa always appreciated. Anya doesn’t lie, not to her.
Anya’s pulled up a chair next to the bed as she quiets her voice as if to let Lexa in on a secret. “It’s ok, not to want to go back. It’s ok to work to just have a normal life, just to walk again. I’ll be there for that and support you one hundred percent if that’s what you choose too. You’ve done your part, Lexa, there’s no shame in that. That’s not them winning. They never stood a chance. You killed every one of those bastards but even without that they lose by you choosing to live. Even if you work and you fight and go through another hell to get back and you can’t, it’s still ok. There are other things you can do besides go to war. You need to understand that. Something good is going to come of this. I have to believe that. You didn't live for nothing to come of this.”
“So, if you want to do this - try to go back, hell even anything past walking, I’m in. But can you please, for the love of god, chill your shit for five minutes? I just got you back.” Anya’s voice rises as she swallows past a new formed lump in her throat. Her eyes well up with tears as emotion surfaces in the beyond exhausted woman at replaying thoughts about what Lexa is going to deal with, what she has already gone through. “I just got you back, Lex.”
"Ok." Lexa smiles back, her green eyes threatening to fill with tears at the way Anya regards her. Respectful. Tender. Supportive. Honest.
“A big long speech and all I get is an ok?” Anya forces a laugh from her chest constricted with grief, that she can’t help but feel shouldn’t be there as she tries to break the nearly awkward silence that had fallen between them.
“I thought you said you weren’t going to give me the speech.” Lexa’s eyes soften in a true smile as she stifles a laugh, the rumble of joy too painful for her body. Anya only shrugs and offers a smirk. She always loved to lecture Lexa, often told her to take notes when she was younger. ”How long was I out?"
“After they brought you out of the first medically induced coma, which was a month. A week the first time, three the second, after that you went in and out of consciousness for three more weeks or so. It was pretty bad. You would wake up either crying out in pain, or in a seizure. They put you back under for a month wile things calmed down, they pulled you out four days ago. You fought intubation a day later, woke up that time we explained stuff two days ago. Before that I didn't think you would ever wake up all the way again." Lexa realizes just how close to death she had come, it must have been miserable to watch for her. Anya had lost her mom to cancer, she watched her waste away and this must not have been any different, maybe worse, at least her mom had time before, Anya got to prepare a little for that. It sounds terrible and Lexa is glad she can’t remember it.
"Well at least I caught up on sleep." trying to make light of the situation for the comfort of her sister. It’s ok, Ayn. I’m here. I made it.
She pulls the chair up to the bed closer and brushes the brunette’s forehead with her hand gently "I'm so glad you woke up little one. Now rest up, you’re going to need it.”
“Ayn?" She manages a weak whisper, the adeline and anger gone from fueling her body. Just that small squeak of a name hurts unbearably, forcing the soldiers face to twist in pain.
"Yeah?" Anya looks at her still worried, still soft, as she continues to run her hand over slightly greasy hair.
Lexa digs deep to find all the energy she can muster, She finds herself sleepily smiling at the woman leaning over her, trying to reassure her comfort. Anya's worried-ness was freaking her out a more then a little. She runs her fingers through the girls hair only making her sleepier.”I love you.”
Her lips smile down at the fading girl but her eyes are tired and sad. “I love you too, sis.” Responding softly, her voice shakes ever so slightly, as she tries to smile through it but Lexa catches the tears welling up as Anya barley chokes them back. They both knew it but never spoke it, not enough anyway. Her eyelids feel too heavy and she lets her eyes close.