Eyes Deep
Clarke was sad to see Lexa leave but then again only a little because those leggings did things to her ass. Wow. She just hoped Tris was ok. She knew Lexa had a huge soft spot for her and it sounded bad. Especially the look on the brunette’s face the way it turned from laughter to heartbreak in an instant.
Later she learned the girl’s mother had died when she text Lexa to make sure everything was ok, which was dumb because clearly it wasn’t. Clarke never liked when people said someone had passed or any of that other poetic crap. People died. Just died. Their heart stopped beating. Their lungs stopped breathing. Their brain stopped thinking. And they died. That’s it. There wasn’t really anything poetic about it at all.
Lexa’s team went on to win the conference tournament and Clarke got to see her on TV. That was pretty cool. Apparently Lexa had been on the West Point team that won the National Championship, well more like the star player instead of just a girl on the team from how the announcers talked. She never mentioned that but then again Clarke didn’t mention that she won for golf while at Duke wither.
Tris’s surgery went well. Clarke got to do a lot of it and that was pretty cool. Lexa was a worried mess the whole time. Pacing back and forth in the gallery. Nyko yelled at her over the intercom to sit her ass down or go home. She didn’t like that much. Come to think of it Lexa got a lot of privileges around that hospital most people didn’t but that didn’t surprise Clarke at all either.
They’d gone on a few more Coffee dates and had two or three at the hospital. Clarke saw the brunette in her ACU’s and was utterly smitten at her in uniform if she wasn’t already. Camo never looked so good on someone before. Though Clarke couldn’t help teasing that she couldn't see Lexa. She’d even snuck a kiss to the cheek as the girl parted on her way to the range. And if she was flustered that first time at the coffee shop she was rendered utterly useless then. Cheeks bright red, shy smile, fidgety hands and all. It didn’t make it any better that Clarke had to stand a little on her tippy toes to reach or grab the center of her jacket to hold her balance as she leaned forward but Clarke didn’t mind one bit.
The girls were taking this slow, what ever this was. Neither of them were very sure, they weren’t girlfriends but they were more then friends. They were dating, but they weren't. All they knew is they were exclusive in the coffee department. Clarke was fine with going slow but she wanted to ask Lexa on a real date and she didn’t quite know how to go about doing that. Sure she could just ask but she didn’t want to scare the brunette off. She got a feeling that though she wasn’t scared of many things, but relationships may be one of them.
//
It’s been two weeks now since she got cleared. Half way to the initial check. Nyko said that they could push it back if they needed too, there wasn’t any rush in this - but there was. Things were happening over there and Lexa knew she was needed. She wasn’t done. Her job wasn’t finished. That much she knew. What else she had to do she wasn’t sure but there was something.
She had been on a few more coffee dates with Clarke. They were probably the best few hours she’s ever had - ok maybe not that extreme but pretty close. Her chest no longer felt this gaping hole. She felt warm and happy for the first time in so long. There was still a weight on her heart and her shoulders but something told her that would go away eventually too with Clarke’s help. Or it wouldn’t. Lexa didn’t know what scared her more. For what ever reason she found herself terrified of happiness - because it could end and she knew she would not recover.
When they had coffee two days ago at one of Tris’s checkups Lexa was in her ACU’s. Lexa had to drop the girl back of at campus before she headed to the range. After her mother’s death she had taken in the girl, as much as a college aged woman needed taking in. Tris was independent, more so then a lot of people but in her drugged state and not being able to get around Lexa extended the offer. The girl refused at first but she agreed to stay at Lexa’s until she could get around on her own. The surgery ended up being pretty extensive.
Lexa just thanked whoever was out there that the girl hand’t seen Clarke kiss her on the cheek. The blonde had given her a hug good bye but before pulling away completely leaned in and brushed her soft warm lips to Lexa’s cheek. Lexa’s ears had never turned so red. The girl had her ACU’s fisted at the flat of Lexa’s chest and had to stand slightly on her toes, not because she was that much shorter then Lexa - which she wasn’t - but because of the angle. Lexa was frozen in her tracks. Her mouth went try, her tongue forgot how to work, her brain forgot how to function and all she could do after Clarke turned away to answer a page was duck her head and rub the back of her neck. She hated that habit, she really did - because Clarke looked over her shoulder and caught the motion and the shy smile and her eyes brightened as her eyebrows softened on her face from the frustration of the page calling her away from their coffee 4 minutes early.
She was developing a friendship with this woman and the more Lexa learned about her the more she wanted too. She was special and that scared Lexa more then anything she’s ever faced -and she’s faced a lot.
Anya was too annoying about the whole deal. Supportive at times but mostly annoying. When you going to ask her on a real date, Lex? You kiss yet Lex? Hold hands yet? Sex? How many times you going to get coffee, Lex? Has she seen you in uniform yet? What’s she like? - Chill out Anya.
She was on her way to talk to her sister now actually who was waiting for her at her apartment. The sun had just set but that didn’t mean much it was winter still so it was about 5:45. This could prove to be a very long night - they were finally going to have the Gus discussion. Lexa needed a drink and she planned on having one once she got back to her apartment. Tris was at a team party and wouldn’t be back all weekend - Lexa was proud of her progress.
She walked in the door opening it heavily with her hip as he arms were full with scouting reports she needed to do for Monday - by some miracle they made it to the dance. Anya was reclined on her couch, feet on the coffee table watching Sports Center. She turned her head up and back as Lexa placed the videos and papers on the table with a huff and quickly turned off the TV and stood to welcome her clearly stressed sister.
Walking around the island in the middle of the kitchen she grabs a cup of coffee from the pot and hands it to Lexa who takes a sip - just the way she likes it. Anya really does take good care of her. She gulps at the thought that she could lose her after tonight.
Lexa rolls her shoulders back and shifts her spine trying to ward up the stiffness that’s settled. Her back had been killing her all day. Sensing the younger woman’s tension Anya steps behind her sister and rubs her shoulders for a moment it always helped Lexa to relax and she knew Lexa was hurting - she was pushing too hard - but tonight wasn’t the night for that lecture. “Thanks, Ayn.”
“Anytime, sis. Rough day?” She already knew. Indra had told her. This morning’s training session was stopped by Lexa who usually pushed past everything. She took herself out of the workout simply unable to go any longer.
“I’ve had better.” The pair walk to the couch and sit down. Lexa usually prefers the floor but it would be too uncomfortable today with the way her back has been feeling. “An-“
“We don’t have to do this, Lex.” Lexa finds a hand on her knee. “If you’re still not rea-“
Lexa cuts off her sister this time. She needs to talk about it, she needs to tell Anya what exactly happened so she can get some closure. She sees the way her sister still plays where a ring should be, she’s been there at night when she rolls over to where Gus should be in their bed. Anya should know it was her fault. “No. No.” Lexa just shakes her head and lets out a sigh. We’re doing this. “Do you want to ask questions or do you just want me to tell you what happened then you ask?”
“Lex...”
“I’ll just start, ok? I’m so sorry, Anya.” She takes a deep breath before beginning. This was going to be incredibly difficult.
“We were sent on a rescue mission for one of our assets. We were to do what we could - Gus, Shuler, Vickerman and I - damage and intel wise and get her out. It was too quiet. One of our drones had us set for about 20 or so hostiles. No one was in sight. Neither of us liked it. Gus wanted to leave but we needed to get that girl out of there…
We heard yelling from inside the camp, terrible terrible sounds. We made the decision to get her out now instead of sending a full raid. We were deep into their territory and our ride out was on the way. Well the second one, Tuck's crew got called out. That girl in there.. What she was going through.. They snuck up behind where we were sitting as we listened to the screaming and started our assault forward.
I was shot in the back, I didn’t even know it. Gus was ok though so we fought. I didn’t know where Vick and Schu were, off on the other side somewhere. We split into two teams. We got out of it. We fell a bit down this little cliff toward the camp so we just decided to rush in since we were already down there. Well I decided. I was the CO on the mission.
We lost coms with Vick and Schu, but they didn’t have any fighting on their side so I though they still had our cover. The girl was in a room we found after we cleared half of the building. I walked in to get her as Gus waited at the door. My move to do that cost him his life eventually I think. We were taken then. Overwhelmed by shear numbers. I don’t know where they all came from...we had just cleared half of the building and it wasn’t that big.
I should have listed to him. He was older and more experienced then me but I out ranked him and I made the decision to go against his gut. I didn’t think it through. We fought as best we could from there. Got the door shut to hold them off while we got the girl out of the back. I climbed up first because I was smaller and Gus was going to hand me the girl.. to pull her through before he climbed up. I wasn’t tall enough to hold her up high enough. She was unconscious at that point.
I was close behind with losing a lot of blood. We got the girl up and I reached down to help Gus as they were about to breach the door. I had him almost up when they did. Gus dropped a frag grenade to slow them and it worked for a bit. He was carrying the girl out and I was working on covering our backs but I got shot below the ribs and dropped leaving his back exposed. He turned and grabbed my collar. We hadn’t worn Kevlar, too heavy. Should have. We should have.
He was dragging me to a covered position, Schu and Vick were doing their best to cover us from their vantage point. I slowed Gus down too much so he quit dragging me, I ordered him too. And I got up as he ran ahead with the target. I took too long and as he was coming back for me to pick me up he left himself exposed… Schu and Vick had been over run too after they gave their position. There was just so many of them.
They shot him and he fell beside me, I thought he was dead. I backed away trying to get to the girl to protect her but I was shot again in the leg. I saw Gus getting up but they were on him they sat him up started just cutting him all over. I could tell he was almost done. He begged me to shoot him to end it but before I could one of their guys kicked my gun from my hand. I was going to shoot him. They were doing terrible things to him but I couldn’t find the strength to lift my gun from my side. The guy came up beside me and kicked the gun away as I watched them kill him. I don’t know why they kept me alive.
If I hadn’t gotten shot. If I’d been a better spotter and saw the guys up behind us instead of listening to that girl’s screams. If I’d been quicker or stayed by his side… Gus died trying to save me. Anya I’m so sorry. I should have told you sooner but I couldn’t.”
She dug her teeth down, clenching her jaw willing the stinging in her eyes to go away. She could hear it again, feel it again. See her big brother fall next to her, lifeless, then watch it happen again the second time even worse then the first. Lexa’s brought back to reality by Anya’s arms wrapped around her. She lets it happen from where she pressed her elbows into her knees and her hands together in front of her. Thinking that maybe if she strained hard enough it wouldn’t hurt her heart so bad. But Anya pulled her sideways and Lexa let her. Lexa can feel the tears on the older woman’s cheeks as they press into her forehead where they hold her. Anya never cries. “I’m so sorry. I was supposed to bring him home. He was my responsibility, all three of them were. I couldn’t save him. I couldn’t save him.”
“Shhhhhh, Lex.” She cradles her little sister to her chest as she rambles about saving their family, Anya’s husband, her own big brother. “It’s ok. It’s not your fault. I don’t blame you, Lexa. No one blames you. We’re eyes deep in war, Sis. People die.”
“He shouldn’t have. I should have been better. I was trained better. I picked him for the mission. It should have been me. It should have been me. How can you ever forgive me? I was going to shoot him.”
“You should have told me.” Her voice was soft as her arms wrapped Lexa to her. Rocking slightly back and forth on the couch as the contact unraveled Lexa’s strong walls and was nearly crying. “You’ve been carrying this for over a year, alone. You should have told me.”
“I couldn’t. I-I don't know what was worse that I almost shot him or I couldn’t do it and save him from that torture. I couldn’t tell you that. It’s shameful.”
“Sis.” She presses her lips to the top of the shaking girl’s head. “You can always, always, tell me anything. It wasn’t your fault, it was an impossible situation. He - he would be so proud of you. The lives you saved, Lexa. Surviving. Fighting though recovery. He would be so damn proud.” The quivering stops but Anya holds her in her arms with no intention of letting her go.
The older girl’s heart is breaking for Lexa all over again. Hearing about Gus’s death first hand was hard but the pain Lexa was in was unbearable. When had her little sister grown into such big, heavy, shoes? “I’m so damn proud of you.” She thinks she hears Lexa mutter something so she starts talking again. “I love Gus with all of my heart but I love you just as much. I never blamed you. Not for a second. Not for not shooting him, not for thinking about it.” There was no good option there really. Lexa had been put in an impossible situation that only got worse.
Some time ago Anya wondered if Gus got the better end of the deal when she sat helplessly beside the hospital bed while Lexa tried to recover. They didn’t know what all had happened but the injuries gave a good enough picture. Lexa’s never spoken of it. “I still miss him, every day, but it’s ok because I still have you. Lex you can’t keep punishing yourself for something you couldn’t control, Gus wouldn’t want that.”
“It should have been me. He would have saved more people in that camp. I was too weak to get everyone out. We made a promise to get everyone out, me and Gus, every last one of them. He died trying to keep that promise and I couldn’t get him out. I tried so hard Anya.”
“I know. I know.” Lexa quiets in her sisters arms, the shaking stops but she makes no move to pull back so Anya lets her stay. Damn this war.
Lexa pulls out of the embrace slowly. “So you don’t hate me? For almost… for not…”
“I could never hate you.” Anya peeks over her sister’s shoulder as she brushes her thumb along her cheek. The glowing time shines from the clock on the wall. “Shit Lex, I gotta go.” She didn’t realize how late it’d gotten. “I’m due at the base in an hour. I’m so sorry. Will you be ok?”
“It’s ok. Go.” Anya hesitates as she stands up guilt pulling at her chest. “Anya I’m fine.” Lexa knows that’s bullshit but Uncke Sam doesn’t wait for anyone and she could get in a decent amount of trouble for being late. “Promise.”
Anya kisses her on her forehead and tells her not to do anything stupid before she heads out the door. Lexa stands and walks to her liquor cabinet to pour herself a drink. It’s just past midnight as her phone dings and a white box pops up. She downs a shot at the reminder. Not a moment later she tosses a second shot back. “Cheers to you cowards.” Another shot. “Congrats on a job well done.” Another shot.
//
Lexa Woods
Wanna comm ober
Clarke looks down at her phone. Something wasn’t right. She and Lexa had been texting for a few weeks now and Lexa always used correct grammar.
I gave coffee
have
noy thr bad kind
She was most defiantly drunk. That much Clarke could tell and that was worrisome enough to the blonde without a weird feeling in her gut. As she was walking out of the hospital she nods to Jax as he walks in for the start of his shift and dials Lexa’s number.
“Who dis?” A slight chuckle on the other line. “Clarke?”
“Lexa are you ok?”
“Fine.” A pause.
“Lexa?”
“Do you know what today is, Clarke?” Nope no idea but she sensed it wasn’t good. She held the phone to her ear with her shoulder as she dug the keys from her pocket. “The day my father died, Clarke.”
“Is Anya with you?” She knew Nyko wasn’t and she didn’t really think Lexa was close with many other people.
“No. She had to go fly her arioplanee.”
“I’m coming over. Tell me where you live.” The next 30 minutes is a slured mess of instructions on how to find her apartment but when Clarke finally arrives Lexa lets her in.
The woman is hanging onto the doorpost sipping bourbon straight from the bottle. By sipping Clarke meant drinking. There wasn’t anything small about it.
“Clarke, can I ask you a question?” She stumbles in after the blonde after inviting her in with a wave of a hand.
“Sure, Lex. First let’s get you some water.” She finds a cup in the sink an rinses it before filling it and handing it to the women now slouched in one of the chairs at the island. “Drink some of that then ask me. Do you have any bread?”
“Yah, The drawer by your foot. Black berry jelly pleasee.”
“What do you want to ask?” Clarke braces herself for the worst as she fishes jelly out of the fridge and spreads it before handing it over to the woman. Trading it for the now empty bottle of bourbon. God she hopes it already had some gone.. “Three bites first.”
Lexa obeys “How.. How can we win a war no one believes is even a war? They deny it. Better yet, Clarke, How are we supposed to fight a war when only one side plays by the rules? How are there even any rules? He was a doctor. You aren’t supposed to shoot the doctors.” She takes another three bites of toast. “There’s a lot of things you’re not supposed to do and we don’t but they do. How will it ever end?”
Clarke is truly at a loss for words.
Lexa bows her head forward and wobbles in her chair. “It’ll never end. Our parents fought, now we’re fighting. It’ll never stop. The killing will never stop. How can human beings do that to one another, Clarke? I don’t understand. We’re all just people. Just people. I gotta pee.” She was talking so casually about the topic. Not distraught or upset like some would be. But sad as she shook her head like she’d been thinking about this for a long time.
The girl stands and stumbles her way into the bathroom for a long few minutes while Clarke wipes off the counter and grabs another piece of bread and refills the water. This wan’t how she was expecting her night to go but she wasn’t mad. She couldn’t be mad at Lexa for this. She was battling a lot of things and Clarke could not fault her for that. She imagined Lexa buried this and the thing about burying stuff is it always comes back twice as worse. If the words coming out of the woman weren’t so sad Clarke would find it a little cute.
The brunette reappears in the door frame no longer in a pair of kaki’s and her coaching shirt but basketball shorts and a large crewneck. Green iris peek out below hooded eyelids, Clarke knows how she feels. She’s been going for 48 hours on 3 of sleep. “Let’s get you into bed, yeah?”
“Okay.” Clarke follows Lexa into the room and helps her up and in before sliding the covers over the now shaking brunette. “You didn’t answer the question, Clarke. I like the way your names feels on my tongue, Clarke. I can’t feel my tongue. Or my face really. So, Clarke?”
“Oh, Lexa, I don’t know.” Clarke takes a seat on the edge of the bed. The girls brown waves taken down from the ponytail she was sporting earlier frame her face on the soft pillow. Clarke's hand, with a mind of it’s own apparently, reaches out and strokes her head.
“Will you stay and talk a while? I know you’re tired but I like your company.” She pauses as she sits up a little. “I really don’t want to face this night alone.” She whispers and there is something so pure about the way she says it. Not needy, not a plea, not sad, just simple quiet - drunken - honesty.
Her green eyes grow wide and god damnit she looked like a puppy right now. A cute sad little puppy. “Of course. Can I change out of my scrubs first?” Clarke had a feeling she would be sleeping over and day old scrubs were not exactly the most comfortable attire.
“The clothes on the chair are clean. If you don’t have any. You look cute in scrubs. Your butt looks good in them.”
Clarke feel her cheeks turing red as she finds the chair and lets out a chuckle at the drunken confession. “Thanks.”
Looking back at the brunette she notes a slight nod telling her that’s the one but Lexa looks away at the opposite wall to afford Clarke privacy where she was taking off her shirt. “You’d look beautiful in anything, Clarke.” She didn’t mind changing in front of Lexa but still even completely wasted the girl was shy. Clarke settled on a t-shirt and pair off old cotton sweats. She could get used to wearing Lexa’s clothes.
She sits on the half of the bed not taken by the inebriated brunette facing her and returns to running her hands through her hair. “War is hard, Clarke. It takes so much and never really gives anything in return.”
Clarke’s curiosity was getting the better of her but she could tell Lexa wanted to talk about it. She couldn’t figure out if asking her while she was drunk was cheating or not though. “Why, why’d you do it?”
Lexa’s bing green eyes looked up at her and she offered a sad smile as she understood the question. “I was born for it, made for it.” She sighed. “Better me then someone else. I couldn’t just let other people go. I have to protect people. Innocent people, not innocent people. Not just Americans. They need us over there, Clarke. The bad guys in this… They are so bad. So bad. And no one will fight for the good ones.”
“Sometimes it’s hard to tell. When they are all wrapped in similar clothes, who’s good and who’s bad. I think that’s why people just assume. If only you could actually wear your heart on your sleeve. But some people, bad people would ignore it. Like they do the red cross.”
“I knew since I was little I’d join the military. Since before I can remember. Dad called me little Heda.” She closed her eyes. “I said I’d be head a’ the army, I said it so fast and so often trying to make him laugh, and he did always. Heda. I miss him.”
“Were you scared when you were over there?”
“To die? No. No. Not to die.” She shook her head and buried herself further into the bed. “Death does not scare me.” Clarke knew something did but Lexa wouldn’t say and Clarke wouldn’t push her. Especially not when she was drunk. “I am so tired, Clarke.”
Clarke knew that she didn’t mean from a long day or lack of sleep. Lexa’s soul was tired. Just tired. Clarke got it. Her’s was too, in different ways maybe, but then again maybe not so different after all. “Sleep.”
The girl sits up again and maneuvers her back, even in her relaxed state her back bothers her. The sweatshirt is pulled over her head to reveal a orange sports bra on tanned skin. Clarke’s tongue gets caught in her throat. She saw Lexa in a sports bra in the office she just had to convince herself this was the same - it wasn’t - it so wasn’t.
Lexa lays back down on her back with another sigh one arm behind her head the other across her stomach over top of the blankets. “They don’t bother you do they?”
“What?”
“My scars.” She heard it in the question, in the soft bashful words. They aren’t too ugly? Not too violent, are they? They tell too much of what happened to me, that doesn’t change how you see me does it?
Clarke swallows hard. “No. No, Lexa, they don’t.” The girl rolls over on her side facing away from the blonde and Clarke nearly gasps as the blankets slip from where they were hiding the woman’s back. She hadn’t really seen the markings across the brunette’s back nor the intricate tattoos that blended some of the scarring into it’s design. How can such as small back hold so much suffering? Clarke lays down exhaustion taking over. “Is this ok? I can sleep on the couch.”
“Yeah.” The brunette is trembling again from the alcohol and Clarke slides in behind her and hugs her close to her chest. Lexa feels surprisingly fragile and small in Clarke’s arms. She tenses a moment before taking a deep breath and relaxing further into the blonde’s hold. “You must be special, Clarke.”
“Why’s that?” Clarke’s exhaustion is threatening her as she curls into Lexa in her soft bed. Enjoying every second of holding the hurting girl.
“Ever since… I panic when someone is behind me, but now.. now I feel safe.” It’s a soft confession but it nearly brings tears to Clarke’s eyes. She want’s to protect Lexa forever.