Chapter 3
Reaching into her cabinet Lexa brought down large bowl and poured the freshly popped popcorn in it. She grabbed two more beers and went back into living room.
Clarke was still in her same position. Laying on the couch. Her back propped up against pillows piled up against the arm rest. Her dress was hanging in the closet and she wore an oversized T-shirt of Lexa’s and a pair of running shorts. Clarke lifted her legs up as Lexa sat down on the other side of the couch. Clarke’s socked feet coming back down in Lexa’s lap as she handed Clarke a beer and put the popcorn on the coffee table.
It was New Year’s Eve. Lexa could be at any number of parties. Getting drunk. Hooking up. Anything but sitting in her living room eating popcorn and watching Orphan Black reruns. But, here she was. On the couch. Popcorn on the table. A girl’s feet innocently in her lap. Her plan had been to party. Have some drinks. Find a girl. Celebrate the New Year in such a way she might forget the old.
But plans change. When Clarke called a few hours ago it all changed. She’d forgone a car or cab and taken Anya’s motorcycle. It was easier to weave through traffic on the bike and it was faster than any car. Of course, she hadn’t planned on Clarke being in a dress. Clarke didn’t seem to mind. She took the helmet from Lexa’s hand, pulled up her dress to straddle the bike, wrapped her arms around Lexa’s middle, and rested her head on Lexa’s shoulder all the way back to Lexa’s apartment.
Now they were on their 3rd episode of orphan black and sipping their way through their second beer.
“I’ve never understood the Paul thing. He’s attractive but he’s such……… such a brooding male lead.” Clarke murmured as she popped some popcorn in her mouth.
“
Never cared for Paul. My attention is usually focused on Delphine.”
“Have a thing for French girls?” Clarke teased.
“Maybe I just have a thing for blondes.” Lexa replied as she nonchalantly took another sip of beer. Clarke snorted at the line but didn’t respond for a few moments. Lexa’s eyes stayed on the TV screen. Taking small sips of her beer.
“Was Costia a blonde?” Clarke asked. Her eyes studying Lexa. Lexa’s jaw clenched and Clarke could see the tendons on her neck constrict slightly. No one spoke. The TV the only sound in the room. After a few moments Lexa sighed.
“Yes. It was her natural hair-color. She died it blue a few times. But mostly it was blond. Not really a golden blonde like you though. Darker…….. More like honey than sunlight.” Lexa said softly. Eyes vacantly on the screen.
“Was Costia…..” Clarke began to ask another question. Lexa interrupted.
“What happened today? Why did you need to leave?” Lexa asked. Her head turning to meet Clarke’s eyes. Clarke eyes dropped to her lap.
“Its…its complicated and….”
“We’ve got time. I’ll tell you about Costia if you tell me about today. That’s the deal.” Lexa said sharply. Gaze still on Clarke whose eyes rose to meet her own. Clarke pulled her feet back and hugged her legs to her chest before she began speaking.
“Today I saw my mom for the first time in years and she had ring on her finger. Your turn.” Lexa’s eyes narrowed at the information but it was her turn to share.
“I met Costia in college junior year. At a LGBT meeting at the union as cliché as it sounds. What happened to your dad?”
“My dad died while I was in college and still with Finn. Drunk driver. How long where you together?”
“Three years. She died almost 3 years to the day we first kissed. Who’s Finn?”
“Ex-boyfriend. He cheated on me and we broke up but it’s complicated. How’d costia die?”
“Officially it was a mugging gone wrong. She was missing for 2 weeks before they found her. Explain Finn?”
“He…..Finn cheated on me in college. For months basically. Caught him in our room with some girl. Turns out everyone had known for months but didn’t bother to tell me. We got back together a while later but not for long. Did you love Costia?”
“Yes. Of course. First love. Moon of my life. All of that and more. Everyone knew but didn’t tell you?”
“Everyone knew. My mom, Raven, Octavia, Bellamy. They knew but didn’t tell me. Found out a few days before my dad died. Didn’t tell me because they didn’t want to add to my pain. So instead they let my adulterous boyfriend wipe my tears and take care of me. All while he was fucking other girls behind by back. Is that why you hook up so much? Why you’re a player. Cause Costia died?” Lexa paused before responding.
“Yes. Sex feels good. It’s easy to find someone willing to give a few hours. No commitment needed. No chance or reason to fall in love again. To lose love again. Is that why you moved to Boston? Mad at your mom and friends for lying about Finn?”
“Yes. I was angry. Felt like everyone was either lying to me or laughing behind by back. Boston seemed a good option. Good med school. Big city. New start. So you never want to fall in love again? Not after Costia?”
“For a long time I thought love was weakness. Sometimes I still do……. But I’m beginning to think love is something you can fight. Sometimes it just happens. Whether you want it to or not.” Lexa paused and looked at the women beside her. Knees drawn to her chest, messy blonde bun, big blue eyes gazing back at her. No, love wasn’t really something you can fight. Clearing her throat Lexa asked, “So you forgave your friends. Why wait until today to talk to your mom?” Clarke sighed. Began fiddling with the hem of the borrowed shirt she was wearing.
“Before my dad died he….he was in a medically induced coma for 3 weeks. We….my mom and I fought about when and if to….to pull the plug I guess. She choose to let him go and I fought her on it. We fought about. I already wasn’t talking to her when I found out my friends lied to me about Finn. Then I found out she knew about Finn too and…… I just couldn’t handle it. So…...Boston.”
Lexa studied Clarke. Her knees hugged to her chest. Lexa’s oversized shirt slipping off one shoulder. Blue eyes unnaturally bright against red rims. A soft sniffle came from Clarke and a hand reached up to wipe her nose. It was New Year’s Eve and she and Clarke were sniffing away tears.
“I’m sorry Clarke. Its New Years and you should be having fun but……” Lexa interrupted herself with a sharp little laugh. “…but instead were…..well…” Lexa wiped away a tear”…..doing this.”
Clarke’s eyes met Lexa’s. Green eyes, looking a little blood shot, stared back at her. It was true. They were lying on a couch and sharing secrets. Watching TV and sniffling when most people their age were out making stupid decisions. They still had time to make stupid decisions.
Clarke moved forward and pressed her lips to Lexa’s. One hand tangled in her hair. The other in her shirt. Lexa melted into it. Feeling Clarke’s tongue slip into her mouth felt heat coil low in her belly. When Clarke’s hand slide under her shirt to palm her breaths Lexa pulled back and stilled Clarke’s hands.
Confusion etched in her face Clarke asked, “What’s wrong Lexa?”
“I….I don’t think this is a good idea. I…..we’re not strangers just having a random fuck anymore.” Lexa said. Clarke frowned.
“So what…you don’t hook up with friends?” Clarke asked as she moved off Lexa’s lap. Lexa’s brow furrowed.
“Friends?” Lexa asked.
“Yeah, I thought we were friends. Long distance friends at least.” Clarke said.
“Ok. Friends.” Lexa smiled. It didn’t quite reach her eyes. She turned away from the Clarke and refocused her attention of the television screen. After a few moments Clarke unfolded her legs and put her legs back in Lexa’s lap. Another episode began playing and Clarke turned her attention back the screen as the theme music played.
***
A crick in Clarke’s back pulled her from her sleep. With a grimace she repositioned herself trying to get comfortable but she struggled to find a decent position. Groaning she pulled herself up and opened her eyes.
The TV was still on but nothing played. Instead the screen was asking if they were still watching Orphan Black. Lexa curled up on the other side of the couch. Her head at an awkward angle and her legs pulled to her chest. Taking a peak at her phone Clarke ignored all the phone calls and text messages to see that it was around 3am. It was New Years and she and Lexa had missed the ball drop and celebration. Clarke felt guilt creep up her spin. Lexa could have been out having fun at some party. But she dropped everything when Clarke needed her.
Looking at her sleeping form it was hard to believe that this was the same girl who picked her up on a motorcycle and cruised bars in leather jackets. She looked so soft. Her mouth partly open in sleep and chest moving slightly as she breathed. Clarke had the sudden urge to draw her. To sketch the perfect jaw line, shape the plump lips, and shade the contours of her collar bone. Clarke pushed the urge away.
“Lexa, wake up……….” Clarke moved to gently shake Lexa awake. If she sleep in that position the entire night she’d get a wicked crick in her neck. Lexa’s eyes opened. She slowly uncurled herself from her position and grimaced as she did so.
“Clarke?” she asked she rubbed some sleep from her eyes.
“You should go to bed Lexa.”
“Ok…wait are you going back to Octavia’s?” Lexa asked. Not sure if Clarke was ready to go back there.
“I was hoping you’d let me spend the night on your couch…..since we’re friends and everything.” Clarke asked a little shyly.
“No. If anything you take the bed and I take the couch.” Lexa responded with a yawn. Raising her arms above her head to stretch as she stood, Clarke caught a glimpse of her toned stomach.
“I’m not making you sleep on the couch in your own apartment.”
“We’ll I’m not making you sleep on the couch.” Lexa retorted. Clarke’s eyes narrowed.
“Lexa…..”
“Fine. We’ll both take the bed. It will be completely innocent and just for sleep. Work for you?” Lexa sighed. Clarke hesitated. The last time she woke up with Lexa in her bed it didn’t end well.
“Are you sure Lex? I mean I don’t want you…last time…” Lexa cut her off.
“Look Clarke, you can’t coddle me for what happened last time. I…it…it was a moment of panic and something I have to force myself to work through. And I rather do that with you platonically, than with a stranger.” Lexa replied.
“If you’re sure?”
“I am.”
“Ok. Let’s get to sleep.”
***
Clarke awoke to find her head buried in a mass of curly hair. Her front pressed firmly against Lexa’s back, Clarke’s hand had found its way under Lexa’s T-shirt and to the firm skin beneath. Not the most platonic position to wake up in when sleeping next to a friend. Clarke begins to pull her hand away but Lexa stops her. A hand moving to hold hers in place.
“Stay. Please. Just for a bit.” Lexa says quietly. A whispered want Lexa doesn’t feel she has right to ask but does so anyway. Clarke complies and relaxes into her. There’s an unexplainable pleasure in holding someone who wants to be held. They stay like that for a while. Clarke’s arm around Lexa and their bodies molded together under the sheets. Clarke begins to thing Lexa drifted back to sleep but her soft voice interrupts the contented silence.
“With Costia…I always spooned Costia. I always held her. She’d use my arm as a pillow and in the morning I’d have to massage feeling back into it. Sometimes I’d wake up and find her hair in my mouth or her elbow in my gut. I didn’t care. It all seemed so perfect.”
“It was perfect, Lex. It may be gone but nothing changes that.” Clarke replied. Stroking Lexa’s stomach lightly with her fingers.
“Did you love Finn?” Lexa asked. Clarke sighed.
“At the time I thought I did. He was handsome, funny, and cared about things. Every girl I met told me how lucky I was to have him. I thought I loved him. Now I’m not so sure.” Clarke responded.
“Do you think you’ve ever been love?” Lexa asked. Clarke’s hand paused over Lexa’s belly.
“I don’t think so.” Clarke responded right before she exited the bed. Pushing off the sheets when it suddenly seemed too hot.
“Clarke? Clarke? Are you ok?” Lexa asked as she turned over.
“What? Fine? Sudden urge to pee. Right back.” Clarke said as she went into the bathroom. Shutting the door Clarke sat on the leaned over the sink and splashed some water on her face. Trying to calm herself after a brief moment of panic than came with a sudden realization. A untrue, unfounded realization. She wasn’t in love with Lexa. She was anything with Lexa. Just friends. Just friends. Just friends. She repeated the mantra to herself as she convinced herself of its validity.
A knock on the door was followed by Lexa saying, “Clarke are you ok in there?” Looking at herself in the mirror Clarke composed herself before opening the door.
“I’m fine. Just need some coffee.” Clarke smiled. Hoping it reached her eyes. Lexa studied her. As if trying to learn if Clarke was telling the truth. Lexa’s hair was a curly mass, her green eyes still sleepy, and the strap of her tank-top hanging of her shoulder. She looked like a Sunday lazy Sunday morning and Clarke was once again assaulted with a warmth and affection. Shaking the feelings off, Clarke brushed by Lexa and went toward the kitchen.
Running a hand through her hair, Lexa followed her. Confused. But content to let Clarke be until she decided to explain herself. At the moment she was content to let Clarke do anything she liked. The bright blue eyes. The messy hair. The way she looked in a T-shirt and running shorts. Lexa was falling. Hard, fast, and freely.
Lexa knew it. Knew she was the edge of a cliff. She didn’t know what was at the bottom. Water. Cliffs. Heartbreak. Happiness. But she did know she was willing to jump. And hope that Clarke would hold her hand on the way down.