Why is it Always Me?
Chapter 13: Why is it Always Me?
Gaius couldn't even fathom sight that he was seeing. He hadn't realized that the form standing in the room with Merlin's posture was in fact, a woman. A very feminine one at that. At least at first glance. A closer look revealed that the woman's hair was rather unruly, evident by the way she kept shoving it over her shoulder only to have it flop back over on the other side. Conversely there were her eyes, very blue and very alert. If Gaius hadn't known better, he would have said he was looking at Merlin's sister.
"Why in God's name are you a woman?" The woman in front of him grimaced and mumbled something about a spell, twirling her hand into her hair, while the other plucked nervously at her sleeve.
"What?" He cupped a hand around his ear, creating a shell, and leaned forward while bracing a hand on the bedpost on the bed in the room. "Speak up boy, I'm old and deaf, I can't very well hear you when you're talking into your own hair." In true Merlin fashion, the woman half laughed and spoke louder.
"I may have run into a slight problem with a disguise." Merlin avoided using words that could tip a listener off to the forbidden nature of the conversation. Gaius shook his head as he surveyed Merlin properly. Just as tall as the boy had been and very shapely, Gaius wouldn't have been surprised if Merlin told him that he'd had trouble with suitors.
"You did something incorrectly and got stuck didn't you?" Merlin shook his head, the tips of his ears turning a suspicious red.
"I am not. I'm just comfortable with this disguise. I can take it off whenever I want."
Except that you can't and every attempt to do so has resulted in ...complications.Merlin's mind helpfully sabotaged his attempt to console himself as it flashed back to the first time he'd tried to change himself after Kilgraah's teasing hint over how to remove the incantation. He had waited until the children had been tucked into bed, and then sat in the chair next to the hearth and closed his eyes.
I am Merlin, I am a son. I am a father. Cierran!
When he opened his eyes, it was one eye at a time and he stared straight ahead, almost too scared to check if he had succeeded. A slight swish of his head confirmed that he was still a woman, the long raven locks spilling down his back. He sighed, letting his drop forward in defeat. It was then that he saw it, and for a moment, he was almost too stupefied to realize what it was.
It being the fact that in the deep necked maroon gown that he was wearing, his open collarbone area was no longer the porcelain expanse it had been seconds before. Now it was a forest of thick black hair.
Merlin had chest hair.
Now, any other time, he would have been thrilled. But here? Now? As a bloody woman, this was the last thing he needed. It was clear that forcing himself to change was only going to make things worse, if the forest on his pectorals was anything to go by. Merlin calmed himself and found a way, in the silence of his mind, to will away the unwanted body hair. If only the problem with this transformation was as easily dealt with.
Forcing himself back to the discussion at hand, Merlin veered the conversation around the very obvious fact that he was a woman and on to more interesting topics.
"Are – I mean, how are you? I'm sorry. I never got to say goodbye." Merlin saw the energy almost leech out of the older man at the reminder of their circumstances and why they were having this rather bizarre talk in the Terry Tavern. Gaius sat heavily on the bed, the frame creaking slightly at the weight. Merlin pulled out the chair in the desk on the other wall of the room and sat facing opposite him.
"Well. I never expected you to be able to. Lancelot came to me immediately, he told me everything that happened." He gave Merlin a sympathetic look.
"Oh, if only you hadn't done it Merlin. If only. Then you wouldn't be sitting in front of me right, a wanted criminal in the King's eyes. How is he going to trust Emrys now? How will you bring about the birth of Albion if you can never see Arthur again without the threat of him skewering you with his sword?"
Merlin had often wondered this, lying in his bed late at night. Those nights when he couldn't handle what had become of him. How he'd had to shoulder the burden of four children, so encumbered themselves by the weight of what their very existence meant. How many nights had he had to console them through their nightmares. Hellish dreams that left them sweaty and begging for absolvence from the guilt of being the cause of their guardian's death.
He knew, despite his misgivings, that he wasn't ever going to be able to think to himself that things had been better the way they were. And it was this that he was going to say now.
"No Gaius. I don't think it would have changed anything. Arthur would still hate and fear magic. And isn't that the very thing that Albion is supposed to represent? Freedom? If Arthur can't accept magic now, he won't accept it ever. And Emrys or no Emrys, Albion will never rise. Without being able to open his eyes, my standing next to him means absolutely nothing. " Merlin laced his fingers together and rested his chin on it, bracing his elbows on his knees. Gaius had a contemplative look on his face, his left thumb absentmindedly rubbing circles on his other hand. It was a habit of his when he was particularly deep in thought.
"So you say, but with your magic exposed, you are no closer than you were before. Besides, we're forgetting the fact that Arthur did say he would kill you if he saw you again." Merlin closed his eyes.
"Yes, thank you for reminding me Gaius. I know, but you also know me better than that. Since when have I ever listened to that fool? He wouldn't be alive right now, if I wasn't hauling his arse out of trouble every two days." He shook his head, and Gaius could see that Merlin wouldn't be convinced otherwise.
"Listen, it's been difficult, but Arthur will come around. I can’t expect him to accept something he doesn’t understand but that doesn't mean I'm going to stop trying. Magic took his mother from him and his Father too, for that matter. If Arthur's going to accept Magic, he's going to have to learn to see it as a gift, a tool, like sword wielding for knights, like farming for farmers, and a needle for a seamstress. Once he makes the distinction, it'll be easier. I just... have to get him there. Somehow."
The statement sounded flimsier out loud than it had in his head, Merlin winced as Gaius said nothing, just raised an eyebrow in that way of his, the one that made him feel like he'd done something stupid. In the end, Gaius just reached out a hand and clasped it on his shoulder, noting how much thinner it felt than Merlin's broad shoulders.
"For all our sakes, I hope you're right Merlin."
"Shhh!"
"What on earth are you flapping your arms about for? You look preposterous."
"You can't just call me Merlin! Not here! It isn't exactly a common name, is it?"
There was a pause. Gaius couldn't argue with that logic.
"Alright. Well. I'm assuming you've been using a different name in that get up. What have you been doing all these years?"
Merlin thought for a moment, before opening the door to the room they were in, looking both ways, until he spotted Lianora coming out of a room two doors down. He flagged her down, watching her walk towards him, hands full of sheets. He made an apologetic gesture.
"Sorry. But do you think you can get that lot to come up here for a moment? We don't have much time. It'll be sundown in a couple of hours, and I want them to meet him." Lianora nodded, peeking into the room before tucking the sheets under one arm and descending the stairs with a purposeful air to her.
Merlin walked back into the room, facing Gaius's quizzical look.
"I met some....people. When I left Camelot.I turned into this." He gestured to himself. "I decided if I was going to be stuck in this body, I needed a new name. So I decided to call myself Elladora. It’s actually mum's aunt's name. Anyway, I ended up meeting some people, like I said before. If I think about it, they're the reason I was able to live away from Camelot for so long. Well, without losing my mind."
"Oh?" From Gaius's tone, Merlin knew that he was thinking that Merlin had fallen in love. But he couldn't have been more wrong. Or more right.
"Gaius." There was a knock on the closed door and when Merlin opened it, Rowena, Salazar, Helga and Godric walked in, babbling excitedly about Lianora's nieces and nephews. The chatter died down though, when they caught sight of the wizening old man perched on the bed opposite their mistress. Merlin got up and stood behind them. Quietly ushering them towards Gaius, hands on the shoulder's of Salazar and Godric.
"Alright you lot. This is the man I told you about. He's the one that taught me most of what I know."
"Most?" Gaius quirked an eyebrow.
"Alright, all. Have it your way. Gaius, these are my children." Merlin didn’t miss the way Gaius's eyebrows shot up so high, they almost disappeared into his hair. "Godric, Rowena, Helga, and Salazar. Children, say your greetings, where are your manners?"
Godric went forward and almost hesitantly bowed, visibly relieved when Gaius extended a handshake, knowing that he didn't have to do anymore bowing. Salazar then, of course, decided to forgo the bow entirely and opted to just shake Gaius's hand, a motion which earned him a light cuff on the ear from Merlin. The girls just politely went up to him and said hello, allowing Gaius to pat them on the head.
"Your children?" Merlin nodded. Then he noticed Gaius's eyes trailing his eyes up and down Merlin's figure.
"Surely you didn't...?" He trailed off, but Merlin didn't need to hear the rest of it to know what Gaius was getting at.
"No!" Unwillingly, he flushed at the insinuation. Then he noticed Rowena watching him interestedly and cleared his throat.
"No. I didn't. I met them in a village, they were alone, being run out of the village for being sorcerers. So I took them in. We've become family. They're my family." Merlin was still surprised sometimes, by the rush of emotion he felt when he looked at the children. These four, who should have been strangers to him, were now as dear to him as his own mother.
"I see." Gaius coughed in the back of his throat before beckoning Godric forward. Godric approached obediently and waited while Gaius searched his face, looking for visual habits that would belie his nature.
"Hm. This one is a rather angry fellow, isn't he?" Merlin felt a ripple of movement in Godric's energy and for the moment it made him wary. But then he remembered that this was Godric. He would sooner die than put his family in danger and he knew how dangerous it would be if someone caught them practicing sorcery.
So Godric held it in, and as he stared defiantly back at the old man, and whatever Gaius saw, he must have been satisfied because the old physician made a 'hm' noise in the back of his throat and nodded.
"Godric. It's a good name."
And so it went. For some time, Gaius talked to the children. They were wary at first, unsure of what to make of the old man with the unnerving gaze. But in due course, Gaius charmed them all, complimenting Rowena's cleverness, Godric's conviction, Helga's calm nature and Salazar's wit. Soon, Merlin found himself watching, what felt like a grandfather meeting his grandchildren for the first time.
When Merlin looked up next, he was astonished to realize that without his knowledge, the sun had set, and that it was time to return to Carhaix. Regretfully, he stood, stretching his limbs, the movement causing Gaius to look up at him in the midst of explaining a particular Camelot legend to the enthralled audience he had.
"What is it?" Merlin smiled ruefully.
"It's time I left, the longer I stay, the more dangerous it is for me." Gaius looked confused.
"Why? You are no longer.." He glanced towards the door surreptitiously, and continued. "...Merlin, so you have no reason to fear Arthur or the Knights here." Merlin snorted.
"I wish that were true. I might've run into Arthur once, after running away, in this state." Merlin admitted to the older man, trying not to think about what a fiasco that had been. Gaius sighed.
"I should've known. You did something foolish and told him you have magic didn't you?" Merlin shrugged sheepishly, remembering Rowena and the flower.
"Something like that." Gaius got up, his bones cracking ominously, and he groaned, holding his hips.
"Alright. Fair enough. I'm not sticking around for Arthur to run you through though. I'll leave," Gaius gasped as he straightened out, his knees wobbling a little. "Now, and ten minutes after, you leave as well. Don't leave through the back, you'll only draw attention that way. Just exit the tavern normally, 2 at a time. Get the young lady who brought me here to accompany you out. Ouch." Gaius now stood straight, grimacing in pain. At Merlin's concerned expression, he waved a dismissive hand.
"Oh it's nothing. You may not age Merlin, so you won't have to experience this, but growing old means you curl in on yourself like a worm until it becomes difficult after a while to unravel. It’s tedious and just something we aging men have to deal with." Gaius smiled in an effort to assuage Merlin's expression. It didn't work.
Merlin stretched his arms, and knelt down at waist level to Gaius, pushing the children behind him to get a proper look at Gaius's hip.
"Maybe. But that doesn't mean I can't fix it." Before Gaius could say anything, Merlin touched Gaius's hop bone with his palm and let his eyes flash briefly gold. A warmth spread through the skin and suddenly, the ache in his back was gone. Gaius stretched experimentally and to his disbelief, his legs moved without protest. He looked at Merlin in wonder.
"Well. I never."
. . . . . .
As he descended the stairs, Merlin didn't notice anything particularly was remiss until he was halfway down the steps, happening to glance up towards the doors of the tavern and saw Lianora shaking her head minutely, her eyes wide and flicking somewhere off to Merlin's right. He angled his head slightly and nearly had his heart jump out of his chest as he saw Gwaine sitting in a table at the back, near the ale barrels, with Percival.
Merlin froze, unsure of what to do. He couldn't exactly go back upstairs, that would only call attention up to himself. The only way out was past that table, but to do so, Merlin would have to be entirely inconspicuous. He slowly reached behind him and pulled hood up on his cloak, shielding his face from view and inched the rest of the way down.
Now that he knew the two were there, he couldn't help but find that his ears automatically focused on their conversation. It seemed Gwaine was already drunk and Percival was quickly working himself up to being equally as inebriated.
"Gwaine. You can't keep doing this. It's been 7 years, maybe we have to accept that he isn't coming back." Gwaine lifted his tankard up to his lips and tilted his head back, his Adams apple bobbing up and down as the drink made its way down his throat. He slammed the vessel back down with a thunk and a bar maid came forward instantly to top him right back up. He propped his lolling head up with a hand curled into a fist, bracing it against his temple, a grimace stretching his lips thin.
"7 years. 7 Perce. He hasn't shown even a hair of himself in 7 years. We've been all over this damned Kingdom, you'd think we'd have seen him once, or even heard of him. He could be dead for all we know!"
Not quite. Merlin thought as he hit the last step and walked out onto the main floor. Gwaine was as he had last seen him. Long black hair that swept across his face, and the dark brown eyes that were now glazed over with drink. His face, once so thin, had filled out some, with living in the castle and having access to ample food. Gwaine, the last time Merlin had seen him, was more of a boy, but the person he saw sitting at the table, sword on the table, cloak flung on to the bench next to him, was a man. A very drunk man, but a man nonetheless.
Merlin flinched as Gwaine let out a loud belch and thumped his chest. Percival took a chug of his ale, and wiped the residue off of his mouth with the back of his hand.
"That's my point Gwaine. We have no idea, where he is. He's as much my friend, as he is yours, but maybe we should give up on trying to find him behind Arthur's back." Merlin nearly stopped walking but managed to force himself to keep going. They had been looking for him?
"I know Elladora said she'd seen him, isn't that enough. Remember, Merlin's only wish when he met you was to support him, to make him the King that he Arthur was meant to be."
Gwaine rolled his eyes at that, finding a moment of clarity despite his drunkenness.
"Oh sure. Everything is about Princess. Listen, I know what Merlin wanted from us, but what about what he needed? Do you realize he must have spent his whole life hiding? All those moments when something miraculous happened, when a branch would fall on people trying to attack us, convenient boulders, they were all him." Percival stayed silent as Gwaine worked himself into a frenzy. Merlin was almost directly in front of their table and praying to just slide by without incident. He didn't want to listen to this anymore. It brought forth emotions that he just wasn't willing to face.
"And when Arthur had a sword to his back, I just stood there." Gwaine said this quietly, and as he did, his shoulders slumped, the guilt written all over his face. Percival put a hand on Gwaine's back.
"I don’t think he expected us to do anything, Gwaine. We're his Knight's. If we interfered with the King's decisions, where does that leave us? What would be the point of anything we did?"
"I know. I know. I just -" Gwaine took the pitcher from the barmaid and drank straight from it. "I just wish I had at least said something. Anything. Just so Merlin knew that nothing had changed for me. He was still Merlin. He was still my best friend. No matter what he was."
Merlin pulled the cloak tighter around him and ignored what Gwaine's words were doing to his mind. He managed to exit the tavern in a rush, breathless as he breathed the night air. It was sky was starry, smelling of wildlife and the beginnings of a rainy night, with clouds approaching. Lianora stood with the kids in an alley next to the tavern, filling their bags with trinkets and food, pulling it out of a makeshift bag she made from the apron on the front of her dress. She looked up, sympathy etched in her expression as he approached. She said nothing as she handed him his portion of bread and cheese. Merlin was sure that his own face was unnerved but he chose to ignore it. If anything, Lianora had shown him that he could trust her.
"Take care of them, will you?" The underlying gratitude didn't have to expressed, as Lianora tilted her head in agreement, already understanding the implications of Merlin's unspoken request.
"Of course. I'm glad I got to see you again, you know." She came closer to him and pulled him into a tight hug, wrapping her arms around his shoulders. She pulled his head down so it rested on her shoulder, making him close enough to whisper in his ear.
"I was never able to thank you for what you did for us that night. You could have escaped alone, but you took me with you and you used your magic to protect me. For that I'll be always grateful. I owe my life to you." She pulled back and cupped his face in her hands, a fierce look in her eyes.
"You remember my words, Merlin. Anything you need, ever, you can come to me." Merlin smiled, nudged her with his shoulder.
"Careful Lianora, I might start to think you're falling for me." Lianora whacked him on the arm.
"In your dreams elephant ears."
. . . . . . .
Merlin and his children carefully walked down the street outside the main gates of Camelot. Merlin could see that the day had taken its toll on them. He chuckled quietly to himself as they walked, Helga's eyes were starting to close, no matter how hard she tried to keep them open as they walked.
"It's only until we get around the bend guys. Then we'll duck into the forest and apparate. We'll be home in no time."
Once they got around the bend, Merlin held up the low lying tree branches so the taller kids could duck easily under them into the thick forest. As they walked further in, Merlin looked for a small clearing that would allow them room enough to comfortably apparate back to Carhaix. After 5 minutes of walking they happened across a small patch in the forest, one that was large enough for them to stand in a small circle.
After a moment or two of rearranging themselves, Merlin took a deep breath, holding his arms out for Helga and Salazar to hold. Just as he was about to apparate them away, Merlin heard something that sounded suspiciously like a shriek. It was small and not very loud but it was definitely man made. He cracked an eye open and saw that the others had heard it too.
"You heard that right?" They nodded vigorously. Merlin let go of their hands and put a finger to his lips, cocking his head to one side. Then he heard it again, coming through the trees to his left, this time accompanied by the sound of branches snapping. He pushed through the trees carefully, and after a few seconds, he spied the source of the sounds through a gap in the thick forest brush.
Merlin saw a woman on the forest floor, stomach down, half twisted around to look at the men behind her. As Merlin noiselessly worked his way forward, he motioned for Godric to come up around next to him. Even as he did so, Merlin realized just who the woman on the floor was. Her figure and curly black hair gave her away to him instantly.
It was the Queen, Gwenievere, lying there, her manner frightened but desperately trying not to appear so. In the hands of the men behind her, Merlin saw the necklace that Arthur had given her a day before the coronation, a symbol of his affection to his wife.
He gave Godric the all-clear to use a newly mastered skill of his. With a wave of his fingers, the bushes behind the men rattled with clear force, the rustling growing louder and punctuated with growls.
They observed the men, a rag-tag assortment of tavern thugs, the type to thieve from the drunk and definitely not used to a physical confrontation, go white at the sounds. They tried to stand their ground for a while, glancing nervously at each other as the noises grew louder. It was then that Merlin stepped out in front of them, hands on her hips.
"What on earth are you doing?"
Three heads turned in her direction, with Gwen shaking her head rapidly, trying to tell Merlin not to get involved. Though the men were clearly rattled, they tried to appear intimidating.
"None o' your business lady. Get lost."
Then Godric threw in a high pitched snarl into the mix, and they jumped, squeaking like children, dropping the necklace in their haste to flee, crashing through the trees right past Merlin, Rowena, Helga and Salazar.
After waiting a short time to make sure they were truly gone, Merlin turned around to see Gwenivere hoisting herself up off the ground. She flashed Merlin a sheepish smile.
"Thank you -"
"What are you thinking? Coming out this late at night with no escort?" Merlin interrupted abruptly, hands crossed over his chest. Gwenivere seemed confused with Merlin's attitude, until he spoke again.
"You're the Queen, you can't just wander about at all hours by yourself. Does Arthur know you aren't in the castle?"
A look of understanding dawned on her face and she looked more contrite, the expression to when Merlin had scolded Helga for magicking Salazar with a pig's tail.
"I – I just needed some air. I didn't think – I know I shouldn't have come out." The downcast look on her face as she clasped and unclasped her fingers was enough for Merlin to uncross his shoulders and take off his own cloak, tying it around her own neck. She looked up at him, surprised, now that she had a proper look at his face. Her hair was disheveled, coming out of the pin at the crown of her head and had bits of grass and twigs in it. He brushed it tenderly out of her hair, not seeing her eyes follow the movement of his hands.
"Well, I'm sorry I raised my voice at your Highness, but you really can't walk around here on your own. There are many others who would do much worse to a pretty woman on her own outside at this hour." She nodded, still entranced by his face, only looking away when Helga, Rowena, Godric and Salazar came out of the woods quietly.
Merlin pulled the hood over her head, and grabbed her hand.
"Come, let's get you back to the Castle. The guard's should be able to get you inside without alerting Arthu – I mean, the King to the fact that you were outside alone."
. . . . . .
When they finally reached the gates, the Queen finally came back to her senses, grabbing on to his hand as he turned to go back down the road.
"Wait!" Merlin regarded her quizzically, she had his left hand in both of hers, tightly holding on. Her smile was bright.
"I can't just let you leave like this! You saved my life, I must show my gratitude somehow." Merlin shook his head at her before she was even finished.
"That's not necessary your Highness. I was just doing my duty, one woman to another." He tried unsuccessfully to pull his hands out of her vice-like grip, but she held on.
"No, no. I insist. You must come back with me to castle. I have to tell Arthur of your bravery tonight. You came to my aid, even though there were three men against you and not to mention some kind of beast in the forest."
"No really I-"
"As your Queen, I am formally inviting you to come with me to Castle, at the very least you can stay the night there. It looks as if it will rain and it will not do to have a lone woman with four children traveling alone in those circumstances. I will arrange for a formal escort back to your home for you." She said decisively, and pulled on Merlin's hand again, dragging him through the gates and towards the looming castle entrance, and try as he might, there was no way Merlin could think of to get himself out this.
Why is it always me?