What?
Chapter 10: What?
Merlin liked surprises. There was something thrilling about being faced with the unexpected. But as he woke up, after a fitful night's sleep, his hair mussed and decidedly far more tangled than he was used to, Merlin decided that surprises could go hang for all he cared. He had fallen asleep next to Rowena in the patient room, and a quick listen told him that the Knights were still asleep, despite the early hour. Normally they would have been up and about by this time but it seemed that the Nightshade had left them feeling slightly fatigued.
After checking on Rowena, waking her briefly to feed her a concoction of different fruit juices to fortify her, Merlin crept out to the kitchen, intending to prepare a quick breakfast for the hodgepodge of guests that had piled into his home. Cooking had always been therapeutic for Merlin, the movements of cooking, repetitive and mechanical, allowed him time to think things over.
Gwaine had said something that shook Merlin to his core last night. Nevermind the fact that Merlin wasn't meant to over hear it, the fact was that he had. Gwaine loved him. Loved him. Loved Merlin. The thought made his hands tremble as the smell of porridge filled the air, enveloping him in the calming scent. It made him think of all the times he had cooked this dish for Arthur and the Knigh- damn, he was thinking about Gwaine again.
Merlin had never thought about Gwaine that way. At all. Well, to be honest, he hadn’t thought of anyone like that. Not after – not after Freya. The thought of giving someone a part of himself was terrifying. He hadn't even known Freya for all that long but when she died the pain had been indescribable. Like someone was squeezing his heart and just wouldn't let go. It wasn''t even as if he had a problem with Gwaine's sex, he had seen enough trysts in the solitary nights of Camelot's castle to educate him thoroughly on how gender mattered for nothing in the throes of passion. Or love.
Truth be told, he didn't know if he even loved Gwaine at all. Could he? Did he want to? Did it matter?
That was the real crux of the matter, Merlin thought to himself bitterly. It didn't matter if he could love Gwaine or not, he would never even get to hear Gwaine tell him in real life. He was never to see them again as Merlin. Never to appear in front of Arthur's eyes again. He dropped the spoon he'd been using to stir the porridge, watching the utensil sink into the thick liquid, the thin reed like spoon disappearing as if swallowed by a powerful force. Like himself. The events following his flight from Camelot had snowballed into a beast unrecognizable even to himself.
So drastically had his situation changed that Merlin found he had yet to acclimate himself to the changes. One problem at a time, Merlin. He scolded himself, reminding him that if he turned himself hysterical this early in the morning, the rest of the day was going to be rather difficult.
"Elladora?" Merlin nearly jumped out of his skin at the rough male voice, hoarse with sleep, that accompanied the loud shriek of the cabin door being opened. He spun around, drawing the apron he wore self consciously over his dress. It was Lancelot at the door, hair messy and eyes bleary from sleep.
As he peered at him, Merlin wiped his hands on the apron and straightened his back, he would deal with Gwaine and his affections, later, right now he was Elladora, the sorceress, the angry sorceress.
"That's Mistress Elladora to you, sir Knight. I don't believe we are close enough to warrant such familiar methods of addressing each other." He snipped as he grabbed another spoon to fish the drowned one out of the cauldron. Lancelot looked chastised and amended his phrasing.
"My apologies, Mistress. You are right of course, although," Lancelot glanced behind him as Merlin set about ladling porridge out into bowls and cutting bread into pieces to put on the plates next to each bowl on the table. Merlin spared him a look, busy as he was, to note that Lancelot seemed to be trying to speak quietly to avoid being heard by the others.
"I feel that I must say this, I do not believe you to be a corrupt or evil person." Merlin raised an eyebrow.
"Oh? As if that's not what I've said from the beginning, but thank you, I suppose, for the sentiment." Lancelot seemed momentarily stumped at the cool response to what he had anticipated should have caused gratitude. Merlin felt bad suddenly, Lancelot wasn't the one he should be annoyed at. Even Gwaine. It was the others, the idiots who insisted on being blinded by years of prejudice.
"I had a friend once," Lancelot said hesitantly, his deep voice pausing, as if debating whether or not to continue his sentence. "A friend with...talents, like yours." Merlin nodded, knowing he was referring to himself.
"He was a sorcerer." He said it flatly, he was tired of people skirting around the issue. He was a sorcerer, but he was much more than that. He was a friend, a son, in one time he'd been a lover, he was a bloody human, and he deserved to be treated like it.
"He was my manservant." Arthur's form appeared in the door behind Lancelot, who nearly jumped out his skin at his sudden entrance. Arthur didn't look at Lancelot, Elladora, or even the others as they filed in behind him, going instead to stand respectfully in the center of the living space in Merlin's cabin. Arthur bowed to Merlin, the gesture low and formal. He tried to attempt a half bow, deciding that any lower and he'd be flashing his, as he'd once heard a woman say, goods to the Knights. There was no way he was going to curtsey to the King, not after he'd so brazenly rejected him yesterday. Leon looked to be nearing apoplexy at the indecent behavior to his King, but a staying hand on his forearm restrained him. He calmed himself and stood behind Arthur dutifully.
"Your manservant, a sorcerer? What a fool." Gwaine looked affronted, and said as much.
"A fool, Mistress. Merlin was many things, but a fool isn't one of them." Arthur stayed silent, a point that Merlin didn't miss, and while he didn't regret his actions that day, it only served to remind him how far he would have to go to disabuse Arthur of his misconceptions and prejudices. Damn Uther.
"Then you're as foolish as Merlin. What sorcerer in his right mind would take a post under the nose of the most magic-hating family in all of Camelot? Merlin never knew when to stop. He was always doing
things first, instead of thinking them through." Merlin realized his mistake too late, when he saw Arthur fumble in his retying of his cuffs, looking disconcerted at Elladora's slip of the tongue.
"You knew him?" Leon asked him sharply. Merlin didn't look away from Arthur's gaze, so unnerved as he responded.
"I know him. Don't make him sound dead when he's not." Merlin couldn't help it, they made him sound like some bloody dead criminal. "He's right fool, pledging his undying allegiance to a man that promised to kill him the next time he saw him." Merlin deliberately poked a toe into what he knew would be a sore point to Arthur. Sure enough, the young King, ever the hothead, responded to the baiting.
"He knew magic was a crime, but he did it anyways!" Merlin rolled his eyes. It was like listening to a parrot. The same squawking over and over again.
"Did it ever occur to you to try talking to the idiot? Instead of throwing his arse out of the castle – you know what, I'm just , I'm not going to do this again. I won't get into an argument with someone who has no intention to listen."
Arthur huffed at him, eyes flaring in indignance at being denied a chance to rebuff Merlin's rebuke. Merlin ignored it and gestured to the table, small and meant to seat only four but now crowded with 10 bowls of food. It was going to be tight, or not, Merlin thought, as Arthur and the Knights hesitantly came to the table to seat themselves, Merlin could clearly hear them jostling about, trying to find the right angles to seat themselves comfortably.
"Your knee is in my shin!"
"So keep your shin out of my knee!"
Such children.
Merlin briskly walked to the overcrowded table and grabbed one end.
"Excuse me gentlemen." His eyes flashed golden as he pulled the table toward him, watching it stretch like taffy. Elyan's eyes went comically round, and Leon practically levitated away from the table, eyeing it suspiciously, then turning to level his chair with the same misgiving look.
"Handy, that." Was all Lancelot had to say, the words remarkably bland for the reactions the sight had elicited from the group. Merlin hmm'd in response, grinned and turned to wake up the children and check on Rowena.
"Did you see that?" Elyan hissed at the others.
"It's hardly anything extraordinary." Came Arthur's annoyed response.
"But she – the table – it grew!" This was Leon, intrigued despite himself.
"I feel like that's probably something Merlin would do." This was Lancelot, the bemusement in his voice clear. Of the rest of them, he had the most experience with magic.
"You're right, Merlin attacking people? He'd probably blow his own head off first." Gwaine laughed good naturedly at his own joke and Merlin scowled. Is this how you were supposed to talk about the object of your affections? He made a mental note to knock Gwaine flat on his vain ass if he ever got to see him as Merlin again.
. . . . .
Some hours later, Merlin had managed to get the children up and fed. Rowena had woken up and was thankfully none the worse for wear. It seemed his healing spell had worked, and she was fine, barring the slight discomfort she still felt in the wound. He hadn't been able to heal her without a scar though. Though it was now a raised white line on her stomach, joining the other marks he saw on her small body. Various scars from beatings he knew was the villagers way of "beating" the magic out of them.
She was definitely, however, back to her old self. None of the previous day's hysteria remained, instead she treated the group with a sort of cool disdain, refusing to speak unless directly spoken to, and herself deigning to ignore them entirely. Especially Arthur.
Merlin had found it terribly hard not to laugh, when Rowena showed Arthur exactly what she thought of him as he packed up camp with the other Knights and the prisoners to take back to Camelot. He stood awkwardly in front of Merlin, rubbing the back of his neck as Merlin himself stood in the doorway to his cabin, leaning on the frame. The children were coming back in after giving each Knight a satchel of fruit, bread and cheese, for the ride back to Camelot.
Merlin could see Arthur furiously trying to work out how to address them. He settled for a quiet 'thank you' as they passed him. Rowena, who was last to go in, stopped when she heard the words. Merlin saw her eyes narrow before she swiftly turned around, strode back over to Arthur, looked up at him sweetly for a second, eliciting a confused smile from him, before she lifted her small foot and brought it down with surprising force on the toes of Arthur's leather clad foot.
"Ah! Mprggh!" Arthur let out the beginning of a yelp before clamping down on the sound when he Gwaine's snort and Percival's barely concealed laugh.
Merlin slapped a hand over his mouth as he managed to eke out a barely strict, "Rowena!", before trying to not laugh as she skipped past, flipping her hair as she went.
"You would do well to teach those children some manners Mistress Elladora." Merlin shrugged.
"I'm not sure, I think they're doing fine myself."
"Oh let it go Arthur, she's just a kid!" Gwaine called out, his horse cantering where it stood. Leon and Elyan had borrowed a wagon from the village to transport the prisoners on, who were knocked out after they attempted an early morning escape. Needless to say, it hadn't gone very well.
Arthur got onto his horse, flexing his foot and suddenly everything got quiet. Merlin came to the realization that once Arthur left, there was no knowing when they would see each other again, if they would see each other again. It was perturbing to think of.
Merlin looked over the group, who looked back at him. Arthur cleared his throat and spoke after a moment of consideration.
"Thank you, Mistress Elladora, for your...assistance." Merlin rolled his eyes.
"Oh for pity's sake. Why must you make this so awkward. As long as you don't make a skewer out of me, we'll call it even with the whole," she gestured to slave traders. "Idiots thing."
There was an unreadable silence as Arthur and Merlin weighed each other in their eyes.
"Even." Arthur nodded, and turned his horse around, leading his company away from the house, from Merlin, away from his life, leaving Merlin standing in the doorway, watching his figure grow smaller, and smaller.
. . . . . .
Adjusting to life after Arthur, after the attack on the village, after the loss of Crane, was...difficult. Merlin had run into Arthur only a weeks after leaving Camelot, and it dampened the initial consequences of leaving.
But now, Arthur was gone and all that was left, was the shambles of the village. Derek had taken over Crane's post as village elder. Two weeks after the village had managed pull itself out its wrecked state and ended up almost as good as before. Helaine had a good sense of humor and used it to try and make her new tavern even better than her old one.
It was after three weeks had passed that Merlin faced his first problem, one that directly correlated to his newfound identity as Elladora. Derek Crane had decided to propose of all things. It was an awkward, mortifying and goosebump inducing debacle.
The man had gotten on one knee and presented him with a twined ring of hemp and tiny daisies on its circumference. Merlin felt his face flame red, now more sorry than ever that he'd decided to take this form. Derek had professed his love for him, (now wasn't that a sentence to consider?) and now Merlin felt like an unintentional tease.
The air had been even more awkward as it was when Merlin gently withdrew his hand and back up two steps, holding his hand against his chest. He'd shaken his head, gesturing to the house behind him, with four curious heads poking out, watching. Derek had understood then, taken it for the excuse and yet legitimate reason that it was.
A month after than, in the crisp fall season, Derek wedded Eliana in a beautiful ceremony. Merlin thought Eliana had never looked more beautiful, radiant in her happiness. The wedding lasted all day and night, the entire village taking part in the revelry.
It was that day that Merlin came to the conclusion that he could no longer spend his days cavalierly living in this body that wasn't his. He resolved to call in the one being that could help him with his plight. That night as the children slept, Merlin crept out of the house in the dark of night, to a clearing out of earshot, he took a deep breath and called everything in him to command Kilgrrah to him.
Within moments, the tell tale flap of his wings permeated the air and when he landed, Merlin could hear the huffed laughing even before his wings folded to his sides. He pulled a face at the dragon's mirth.
"My, my warlock. You make a ravishing woman, I must say." He chortled. Merlin grimaced.
"Don’t laugh! I can't get rid of it!" He stamped his foot forlornly out of frustration. That just made him laugh harder.
"What have you done with yourself in the time that I have been gone?"
"More than I care to admit to be honest." Merlin said, hands on his hips.
"Well let's see then. What have we got here." Kilgrrah blew a breath over him, and lay down, crossing his front paws in front of him and laying his head on it, his large eyes trained on the woman before him.
"I can remove it for you." Merlin's eyes brightened in hope. " But it won't mean anything if you do not understand why you cannot remove it yourself." The confusion in his expression must have shown because Kilgrrah took pity on him.
"You cannot remove it, little one, because you do not want to remove it."
"I what?"
"You ran away, Merlin. From who you are. Who you were meant to be, who you will be. You must accept your identity, both separate from Arthur and as Emrys. Only then will you be able to go back to being Merlin, the young boy of Ealdor."
With that said, Kilgrrah stood up stretching out, unfurled his wings and took to the skies, calling out as he flew away.
"I look forward to meeting again Merlin. Be it as man or woman." Merlin's ears burned red as he realized the great beast was making fun of him.
Bloody dragon thinks he's a comedian.
. . . . . .
Like this, fall turned to winter, winter to spring and spring to summer. The cycle went on and on, with Merlin watching as the children grew older and he grew no more. They spent much of their time healing those that stumbled into the village or those that were brought to them.
Many nights were spent taking of ill patients and around them, Rowena, Godric, Salazar and Helga grew from indulgent children to slightly less indulgent young adults. As they grew, both Salazar and Godric shot up, towering over Helga and Rowena, though still shorter than Merlin, and the younger girls lost some of their youthful chubbiness and instead slimmed down. Rowena's nose became her most treasured feature, while Helga was found rather...disheveled most of the time, seeing as her favorite hobby was looking after the plants in the garden.
Their relationship with Merlin himself had grown as well. Where they had been wary at first, wondering when he would leave them, soon, they found themselves trusting him. Like a real parent. Merlin dealt with all the typical things.
"Mistress! Mistress! Look!"
"What is it Godric?"
"Look, its my tooth! Salazar accidentally pulled it out. Look you can see the root. It sort of hurts actually."
"That is disgusting and I will thank you not to bring your freshly pulled out teeth into my kitchen."
Or perhaps the time, when Helga had just turned 12 and experienced her first heartbreak at the hands of the baker's son, Arown. Merlin was amused at how indignant both Godric and Salazar were on her behalf, even going so far as to having a "man to man" talk with the poor boy. Never mind that Godric was almost 14 and Salazar had only just turned 10, they still made an intimidating duo for the other children in the village.
Things were peaceful and for a time, Merlin nearly forgot Arthur and Camelot. Of course, he checked in from time to time. Helping out where he could. Morgana appeared to be laying low for the time being. Merlin had cast a spell of safety over the company when they had left, so he was sure that that was what was keeping them out of trouble, at least for now. But he could feel the spell waning and wondered what he would do when it finally broke.
Would he have to go find them? Merlin had made sure they wouldn't be able to find him again, by way of casting a spell to divert people from his home unless they arrived under specific circumstances. This was a topic that always made his head hurt so he tried not to think about it.
Instead he devoted his time to teaching the children magic, but as time went on, he found he was missing many thing to teach them and couldn't help for Gaius and his extensive treasure trove of knowledge. He mentioned as such to the children and thought nothing more of it until they broached the topic again a few weeks later in the summertime. Helga was 12, Rowena 13, Godric 14 and Salazar 10, Merlin was now 24 but didn't look a day over 20. He couldn't tell if this was a good thing or bad.
They were out collecting some mulberry leaves and samples of belladonna to make poison cures when Godric abruptly blurted out:
"Mistress will you take us to Camelot?" Merlin paused in his picking of the leaves and faced Godric, finding him looking timid but determined.
"What?"