Because I NEED You
‘…which is why we’re going to use the missile. This time, we’re not gonna miss.’
Cage’s words are on repeat, running through Clarke’s head, like a broken record.
“Ryder, we have to get to TonDC, now!” Clarke says immediately as she rushes past him.
She feels bad for lying to Bellamy but she can’t have him worrying and risking his own safety, she has to make sure that his mind is still on the plan. Clarke knows that she has to make it to TonDC before it’s too late. Clarke picks up her pace as they navigate their way through the hallway, Ryder right at her tail.
‘This time, we’re not gonna miss.’
Clarke’s running now and Ryder’s right there with her. She pushes past everyone she passes, leaving a string of complaints, but Clarke doesn’t care. She has to make it. There are innocent people there: men, women, children, Octavia, Kane, Indra and Lexa. Oh God, Lexa!
‘Come on Clarke, time is running out! Why are there so many people hanging around all of a sudden? Fuck!’
“Get out of the way dammit!” She growls, almost bowling over a guy carrying a pile of clothes. She and Ryder make it to their horses. Not once does he question her. As if sensing the urgency, Ryder picks Clarke up and places her gently onto her horse, before he too mounts his effortlessly.
“Stay close and keep up,” Ryder says gruffly before kicking his horse’s sides gently and coaxing the horse into a slow gallop. As they exit, Ryder beckons the horse to pick up speed and Clarke follows.
‘…we’re not gonna miss.’
Clarke’s hands tighten on the reigns as she practically flattens herself atop of the horse. She silently begs the horse to move faster.
‘Come on girl, I know you can do it. Please, just please go faster.’
There are a million things running through Clarke’s mind but the most important being TonDC. Clarke shakes her head to try and clear her mind and focuses on following Ryder. The path to TonDC is filled with the heavy footfalls of their horses. As Clarke begins to see the familiar changing shrubbery and the light, which leads to a massive clearing that leads to the village, she is optimistic that she’ll be able to make it there on time. No sooner does she think that, does the sound of something faint and distant catches her attention, Clarke comes to a sudden halt. Ryder too, stops and looks around them. Clarke spots it before it really registers in her mind what it is. Like that, time seems to slow, as the blonde watches silently as the missile gains distance and begins it’s decent toward its intended target.
‘Don’t worry my spirit will choose much more wisely than that.’
Lexa’s words that night they were trapped in the cage while a rampant gorilla had been after them echo loudly in Clarke’s head.
‘No…no, no, no, no, no.’
Running purely on adrenalin now, Clarke once again urges her horse forward as she and Ryder begin moving again.
‘This can’t be happening, it’s too soon!’
Clarke tries but the horses just aren’t moving fast enough. In this moment, she wishes she’s seven-years-old again, living comfortably on the Ark with both her parents. Those had been simpler times in which she would draw something and go bounding into her father’s arms, showing him her new masterpiece.
Now, as Clarke nears TonDC, everything becomes too real when she realises that she won’t be able to make it. It’s a deafening sound that shakes the trees and rattles the ground. The sound of the missile echoes through the trees, whipping past Clarke until there is no more. The black smoke that rises as both hers and Ryder’s horses come to an abrupt stop, sensing that there’s something wrong, is hard to miss.
‘It’s all my fault.’
Her eyes fall on Ryder, whose gaze is locked in the distance at the smoke that’s now covered half the forest, his jaw clenched. Clarke can tell that he’s desperate to charge forward and leave her there, but he simply turns to her, asking her what her next move is. The blonde simply nods, not trusting her voice.
‘All those innocent people. What have I done?!’
When they arrive at TonDC, it’s to be greeted by pleading voices, painful cries, buildings destroyed and angry fires that scatter the now non-recognisable village. As Clarke’s horse finally comes to a stop, she barely registers Ryder jumping off of his, silently making his way to the survivors. Clarke is frozen in her perch atop the horse. Her blood runs cold. She can barely breathe, let alone move, as she watches in horror the images unfolding in front of her. There is so much bloodshed. There is a sea of bodies. All Clarke can see, is red.
“CLARKE!”
Snapping out of it, Clarke turns her head to find Octavia running towards her, Lincoln in tow.
“O-Oc-Octavia?” Clarke whispers.
‘She’s safe.’
Finally able to move, Clarke slips clumsily off her horse. Lincoln catches her before she falls. She doesn’t realise how weak her legs have become. She rights herself and quietly thanks Lincoln who still looks worriedly at her, but backs off to join Octavia’s side. It doesn’t take long before the brunette engulfs her in a hug that almost knocks her off her feet again.
“H-how are you safe?” Clarke asks, still in a state of shock.
“I was watching the trees with Atohl. We found Lincoln…he was…he was…the bomb hit. We weren’t anywhere near here. Indra’s seriously injured but she’ll be okay. Kane’s fine too, just a few burns but he’s fine. We’ve been trying to find Lexa bu—”
“What?! What do you mean you can’t find Lexa?”
“Well…we think that she might be trapped under somet—”
“Clarke! Clarke, wait!”
‘I need your spirit to stay where it is.’
Octavia’s pleas are met on deaf ears as Clarke rushes in through the sea of bodies and the broken buildings. All Clarke has on her mind is Lexa. The blonde comes to a stop right in the middle of the village. She doesn’t know where to start. There’s so much destruction, Lexa can be anywhere. By now the sky has started to darken and it’s difficult to see properly with the small fires, the smoke and the fallen homes around her.
The sound of a gunshot rings through the air and Clarke watches as a body drops heavily about five feet away from her. She ducks and runs straight to the nearest piece of cover she can find. Panicked voices and screams fill the air followed by another sound of gunfire rippling through the air followed by another body dropping on the opposite side.
‘Fuck! A missile wasn’t enough, they had to send a sniper too?!’
Clarke hugs her knees to her chest as the continuous sound of gunfire fills the air. The blonde squeezes her eyes shut tight and leans her head against her knees. She’s no longer sure about what to do. It doesn’t take her long before she hears the sound. It’s faint, but she catches it the second time and the third time. Looking around her, Clarke finds a small opening and crawls forward toward the rubble, making quick work of it. The sound gets louder and the hole gets bigger. As soon as it’s big enough for her to fit through Clarke squeezes past.
“Lexa?” She calls out. No one answers her, but the sound of clanging. Bringing the small flashlight attached to her belt, she turns it on only to find a small boy with blonde hair crouched in a corner, eyes wide with fear. He’s holding a stick that he immediately drops. He raises a shaky hand and points to a body to his right.
“H-Heda, s-sis em au,” he says shakily. Clarke’s eyes follow the direction that he’s pointing in and her heart immediately drops. It’s Lexa. She’s not moving and she’s buried under rubble. Her hand tightening around the flashlight, Clarke finally springs into action, making her way over to the boy, she hands him the flashlight.
“Point there,” she says with a sense of urgency, pleading with her eyes, asking him to understand. He nods, his eyes falling back to the body of his lifeless leader. Clarke rushes over to Lexa but as she reaches the brunette, her breath hitches. She reaches out, her hand shaking uncontrollably, but she doesn’t quite touch the Commander. There is blood. So much blood that Clarke doesn’t know what to do. Her brain has stopped working and she feels her throat tighten and suddenly it hurts too much.
“Lexa?” She whispers quietly. Seeing her lying there not moving makes Clarke’s heart clench painfully. With one hand she reaches out to take Lexa’s hand and squeezes it gently.
‘Please don’t be dead. I need you.’
“L-Lexa, please,” Clarke starts choking back the sob she doesn’t realise she’s been holding. Finally moving her hand down to caress Lexa cheek, Clarke lets her tears fall freely.
“Lexa come back. Come back to me, please.”
Without thinking, Clarke leans forward, her lips lightly brushing Lexa’s. It’s in that moment that Clarke knows. She’s not sure when it happened but she’s knows in her heart that there is no one else. The thought of losing Lexa before she can tell her how she feels would eat away at her and ultimately destroy her.
It takes Clarke a second to realise that something is moving against her lips. It’s so subtle that she almost misses it, but then a small groan escapes from Lexa. Clarke pulls back immediately and stares down at the woman, her eyes wide. She watches as the brunette groans and frowns as she slowly comes to.
“Oh my god, Lexa. Lexa, can you hear me,” Clarke says her hand still against Lexa cheek, her thumb stroking it affectionately. Slowly, Lexa’s eyes flutter open but not before a flash of pain crosses her delicate features.
“C-Clarke?” Lexa manages to cough out. She winces in pain again at the effort. Clarke reaches for Lexa’s hand again and gives it another comforting squeeze. Turning toward the little boy she’s almost forgotten about, Clarke tells him to find someone, to let the others know where they are and that Lexa is alive. The boy nods frantically, before standing on weak legs and scrambling awkwardly out of the makeshift entrance Clarke had dug. Turning her attention back to Lexa, Clarke let’s out a deep sigh of relief.
“Yes, Lexa, it’s me. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry I couldn’t make it here on time, I could’ve saved everyone,” Clarke rambles, her vision blurry with unshed tears. When Lexa tries to move again, this time, she cries out in pain, her hand squeezing the blondes a little too tightly but Clarke doesn’t care.
“Don’t move, please, you’re hurt,” the blonde whispers fiercely. Lexa bites her bottom lip and attempts a nod.
“I-it’s not y-your fault Clarke. Things like this happen, w-we’re in the middle of a war,” Lexa finally says, her voice hoarse but still managing to exude strength.
“Yes it is. It’s my fault that we didn’t get here on time! I should’ve…I should’ve…” the blonde tries through gritted teeth.
“Ste yuj, Klark,” Lexa says and ignoring Clarke’s protests, raises her free arm to cup the blondes face tenderly, her eyes boring into the other woman’s.
“No Lexa, don’t say that. Lexa I can’t lose you. I thought I’d lost you. Wh-when I arrived they said that you were nowhere to be found. I-I don’t know what I’d do if I lost you Lexa. Your spirit needs to stay where it is, do you hear me?!” Clarke says, her voice desperate, her sobs racking her body.
“I-I’m not g-going a-anywhere,” Lexa replies a small smile tugging at the corner of her lips. Her eyes close and Clarke can see her jaw clench. Her eyes flutter open again and Clarke takes the hand that’s on her cheek in hers, moving it, to lightly brush her lips against her knuckles.
“C-Clarke…i-it’s so c-cold,” Lexa finally breathes, her eyes beginning to flutter closed.
“Lexa, no. Lexa, stay with me sweetie, please. Talk to me, please!”
“Do y-you remember th-the first t-time we met?”
Clarke nods frantically and waits for her to continue.
“T-that’s when I knew. Y-you were the o-one, Klark k-kom Skaikru. Ai hod y-yu…” Lexa’s eyes flutter closed and her hand falls limp in her hand.
“Lexa? Lexa, no! Lexa wake up! Please Lexa, wake UP!” Clarke begs as she tries to shake Lexa.
“Clarke?! Clarke honey, stop!”
Clarke turns to find her mother and several others followed closely behind her. They immediately get to work on removing the rubble that’s fallen on top of Lexa’s body. Abby pulls her daughter away from the Commander and holds her as she cries into her mothers shoulder.
“It’s going to be okay Clarke, I’ll do whatever I can to save her. I promise,” her mother says.
“Come on honey, let’s go.”
Clarke can do nothing but nod as her mother drapes her arm securely around her daughter’s waist as they follow the others out.
It’s been several hours since Lexa has been under her mothers care. Clarke sits with her head on Raven’s shoulder. Everyone is there with her. Lincoln, Bellamy and Octavia are in one corner talking in hushed whispers. Indra, Nyko and Ryder are in another side of the room, yet to say anything since their arrival. Kane is sitting in another corner, cross-legged on the floor, eyes closed. The rest of the grounders are waiting impatiently for news of their commander outside the Ark compound.
Clarke had found out that the little boy Lexa was trapped with had been her cousin, Aydan. When the missile hit and everything went down, they had been underground, Lexa was giving him her first ever dagger that she had received from his father. As everything came crumbling down, Lexa had managed to push Aydan out of the way, in time for the roof to collapse in and she had gotten caught under it. She had tried to move out of the way as well but she got caught.
At the sound of footsteps echoing in the hallway, Clarke rights herself, her eyes locked on the entrance of the room. Everyone else stops what they’re doing too and the room is plunged into silence. Abby walks in her eyes widening a little in surprise at the number of people in the waiting room. Clearing her throat she gives them a nod.
“She’s stable. She’s lost a lot of blood and she’s physically drained but she’ll be okay. She has a few broken bones, bruises and some cuts but she’s okay. She’s resting now, but if you’d like to see her now, you can.”
Indra steps forward first and to everyone else’s surprise, places a hand on Abby’s shoulder and squeezes muttering a quiet ‘thank you’ before walking out. Nyko and Ryder both follow immediately after her, falling into step with her, their footsteps fading fast as they make their way out. It’s only seconds later that Clarke understands why they didn’t see Lexa straight away, when a large eruption of cheers and chants of ‘Heda, Heda,’ is heard from outside the walls.
“Clarke?” Abby says breaking the silence. Clarke looks around the room at everyone else, silently asking if they’d like to go first, but everyone just gives her a smile and a small shake of the head signalling for her to go ahead. Standing from her seat, she winces a little as her body aches from being in a sitting position for so long. She stretches before following her mother out and into the room where Lexa is.
When they enter, Clarke can feel her heart give a tug as her eyes find Lexa lying on the bed, face clear of ash and soot. She approaches the bed slowly and carefully, scared that she might wake the brunette. She pulls the seat closer to the edge of the bed and takes a seat. Clarke immediately takes Lexa’s hand in hers, a sigh of relief escaping her lips when she feels the warmth of Lexa’s hand.
“If you need anything Clarke, just come and get me, I’ll try and get some rest,” Abby whispers, giving her daughter a kiss on the top of the head.
“Mom?” Clarke says stopping Abby before she reaches the door.
“Hmm?”
“Thank you…for saving her,” she says her voice breaking a little. Abby smiles and gives her a small nod.
“I’m just doing my job, Clarke,” she says quietly before slipping out of the door.
For several minutes, Clarke sits there in silence watching Lexa, only the sounds of the heart monitor filling the room. Despite the small cuts scattered across Lexa’s features, Clarke can’t help but admire the brunette.
‘She looks so young. So peaceful. Beautiful.’
Her mind wanders back to the first time that they met. Clarke can remember having to physically stop herself from letting the gasp that had been dying to escape her lips the first time she had seen the Commander of the 12 Clans. As she sat on her throne examining her knife, war paint on, looking so nonchalant, Clarke couldn’t help but think that she had been one of the most beautiful people she had ever laid eyes on.
‘You’re the one, who burned 300 of my warriors, alive.’
‘You’re the one, that sent them there to kill us.’
At the time, Clarke didn’t think that this woman: beautiful, strong and intelligent, could become one of the most important people in her life. The more time they spent together, the more Clarke saw Lexa for Lexa, not Lexa the Commander. Clarke wasn’t sure when she developed her feelings but seeing her lifeless body earlier had shaken the blonde.
“You’re the one, that’s stolen my heart,” Clarke says quietly. Standing from her seat, she leans over the brunette and presses a gentle kiss against her forehead, before settling back down in her chair. As she leans back in her seat, it doesn’t take long for the beeping of the monitor and the rise and fall of Lexa’s chest, to lull her to sleep.
“Clarke?”
‘Hmmm…that’s a really nice voice.’
“Klark? Ai hondnes?” the voice says again. Clarke slowly comes to realising that there’s a hand running through her hair.
“Mmmm.”
Clarke’s eyes flutter open and it takes a moment for her vision to adjust, before they fall on familiar green ones. Lexa chuckles and brushes a few stray hairs away from Clarke’s eyes.
“Hey,” she finally says. She yawns, rubbing the sleep from her eyes before stretching and trying to rid the kinks in her neck and back.
“Good morning,” Lexa replies, her eyes never leaving the blonde, or the ever-present smile that doesn’t fail to warm Clarke’s insides and send the butterflies in her stomach into a wild frenzy.
“How long have you been awake? You should’ve woken me up,” Clarke says with a small pout.
“It’s fine Clarke. You look like you need the rest, why didn’t you sleep in your own chambers? Surely this cannot have been entirely comfortable,” Lexa says, concern written all over her face.
Clarke blushes and bows her head, looking at their still intertwined hands. Lexa, not letting go of their hands, brings her hand up and with her pointer finger under Clarke’s chin; she lifts it so she can look her in the eyes. Clarke has to swallow hard and finds it unfair that Lexa can still look as good as she does in this moment.
“I…I didn’t want to leave you. I-I wanted to make sure that you were still here in the morning.”
Letting go of their hands, Lexa cups Clarke’s cheek again and caresses it. Clarke leans into her touch and closes her eyes, silently hoping that this isn’t a dream.
“I’m not going anywhere Clarke. I will always come back to you.”
“But last night. I almost lost you Lexa, I can’t go through that if, if…”
“Clarke, I promise you, that I won’t be going anywhere anytime soon. I told you earlier that love was weakness. I was wrong Clarke. You make me strong. We are stronger together. Whatever happens, we are in it together, ai hodnes.”
Dropping her hand from Clarke’s cheek, she once again, takes the blondes hand in hers and places it over her heart. The heart monitor begins to spike, matching the rhythm that Clarke can feel under the palm of her hand.
“My heart beats only for you and I too believe, that you’re the one that’s stolen my heart, Clarke of the Sky People.”
“You weren’t asleep?”
Lexa shakes her head and Clarke sighs. She can’t help the smile that’s been threatening to break since seeing Lexa awake. Unable to wait any longer, Clarke stands from her seat and settles herself into a sitting position next to Lexa on the bed.
Leaning forward, Clarke pauses before meeting Lexa’s lips, wanting to double check if the brunette is okay. Closing the remaining distance between them, Lexa raises her head, her hand placed on the back of her neck pulling Clarke down to catch her lips in a kiss that makes the blondes knees go week. Clarke sighs happily into the kiss, her hand moving to cup Lexa’s cheek as she deepens the kiss. They both pull back moments later, breathless and hearts racing. Clarke can’t help the giggle that escapes her lips, at the sound of the heart monitor, as she leans her forehead against the brunettes.
“Find something amusing?” Lexa asks with an eyebrow raised questioningly. Clarke shuffles around so that she’s lying next to Lexa, draping her arm across the brunette’s waist.
“Not at all.”
After several moments of silence, Clarke decides to break it.
“Lexa?”
“Yes Clarke?”
“Ai hod yu in.”
The smile that crosses Lexa’s features makes those butterflies run rampant in her stomach again.
“I love you too, Clarke.”