the drop ship bar had never ever been this loud or busy. lexa would know. she was there almost every weekend. she hated her job, her daily routine, and her only relief was saturday nights at the bar. so she was pretty fucking annoyed when there was a crowd when she showed up. she rolled her eyes, and leaned her head forward trying to see what everyone was so interested in. she saw a flash of blonde hair and pearly teeth that made her stomach flip. that was - that couldn't be. there was no way. was that...?
when the girls head turned after downing another shot lexa was damn sure.
that was clarke griffin.
the clarke griffin that used to fawn over lexa in highschool. the girl that memorized lexa's schedule so she could follow her around like a lost puppy, and bought her a dozen roses every valentines day. lexa was a senior when clarke was a freshmen and the blond girl would have done absolutely anything for the older girl. lexa left for new york the month before clarke was going to be a senior, and the blond girl cried for hours to lexa about how much she would miss her. lexa wasn't surprised when a bouquet of flowers sent to her on valentines day signed "you deserve the world, lexa. I hope you're doing well. -clarke" and for the first time - lexa actually felt a genuine connection with the younger girl. usually she just thought of clarke as some sort of annoying little sister, but the note tugged at her heart, and she would never admit it in a million years but she still had the note tucked away in the top drawer of her dresser. she had expected clarke to call, or text but that was the last time she had ever heard from clarke griffin.
and now, here they were, four years later staring at each other from across the bar. clarke smirked and raised an eyebrow at lexa making her cheeks flush. the clarke lexa knew was way too innocent and shy for this type of behavior. lexa gulped down the rest of her drink and walked towards the blonde girl.
"clarke griffin," she smiled, sitting down on the stool next to her, "how the hell have you been?"
the was a moment where clarke tensed but barely long enough for lexa to notice. her eyebrows were thicker, and her jawline was more prominent. her usual wild hair was cut short and it was straight and she had some light make up on her face. she looked older, but something about her was off.
"i wanna hear about you," clarke said, stepping towards lexa, "hows new york been treating you?"
"better now that you're here," lexa said, flirting with the younger girl making her smirk. lexa expected the blonde girl to flush, or at least giggle like old times, but instead she leaned forward and whispered in the brunettes ear "what do you say we get out of here, hm?"
lexa tried to ignore the way clarkes hand burned into lexas skin, and the way her face was getting hot by thinking about her and clarke going back to her apartment. but then she backed away, because the old clarke was not this ballsy. she barely spoke to lexa before unless it was when she was giving her various paintings she had done of her. clarkes eyebrows furrowed and lexa shook her head fom her thoughts. i'm not the same person i was four years ago, either.
"i thought you'd never ask," lexa said, and clarke smirked.
--
two hours later lexa was watching clarke put her clothes back on while she still lie naked beneath the blankets on the bed. as soon as the got to the apartment clarke was all over lexa. gripping her shoulders, and squeezing her back, and pulling her hair trying to get her as close as possible. she kept sighing as if it wasn't working but lexa quickly shut her up by making her moan. clarkes moans were soft and small and she kept biting her lip as if she didn't want to let them out. lexa couldn't shake the suspicion that someone else's name was on her lips. right when they were done clarke shot up and started breathing heavily as she started putting her clothes back on. clarke had finished buttoning up her shirt when lexa came up from behind her and kissed her shoulder gently.
"hey, you ok?" lexa asked, and clarke furrowed her eyebrows. lexa turned her around and she wanted to kiss the crease on her forehead and tell her that stress causes wrinkles.
"um," clarke huffed, looking around the room for her underwear. lexa tried not to smirk as clarke paced around the room in just her shirt. clarke kept sighing and rubbing her forehead.
"hey," lexa said, walking towards clarke and kissing her gently to calm her. clarke kissed back urgently, letting her tongue slide into lexa's mouth. clarke whined and tried to pull her closer by squeezing her back and lexa knew there was going to be bruises tomorrow by how hard clarkes fingers were digging into her skin. clarkes body was so warm and she kept grabbing at lexa with her fumbling hands and her teeth that kept bumping into lexa's lips on accident. clarke was so soft, and her lips had the slight taste of cherry chapstick, and salt and lexa was sure she had never tasted anything greater in her life. clarkes kisses were wet, and sloppy and mostly tongue. when lexa tried to calm clarke by holding her face she she realized her face was wet. she was crying. salt. lexa thought.
"clarke, why are you crying?" lexa asked, and clarkes body was shaking uncontrollably as she tried to pull lexa back to her.
"lexa, i just - i need you to...i -" clarke stuttered her words.
"you need what?" lexa urged.
"i need you closer. just hold me closer. please, i just - i need..." clarke cried, trying to kiss lexa again. lexa looked at clarke skeptically and still held her at an arms length distance.
"you're drunk." lexa stated, and clarke choked out a cry.
"no. no! no, you don't understand. i need you to hold me. i need you close like he would do. i don't - i don't know why you...why can't you understand that? why was he the only one that understood? i need you clos-"
clarke sobbed but lexa cut her off, "you need me closer? clarke, i don't understand. i'm sorry. who is he?"
a few tears slipped past her lips and she fell into lexa's arms, crying uncontrollably. her body vibrated with every breath she took and lexa stroked her back. she twirled the blonde hair with her slender fingers, and clarkes breathing started to get back to normal and she hummed at lexa's touch. they laid on the bed with clarkes head in the older girls lap. lexa had a million questions she needed to ask her. the way clarke walked was different. there wasn't a childlike whine in her voice anymore. there wasn't a glimmer of something in her eyes when she talked anymore. clarke wasn't there anymore. lexa's heart sunk at the thought.
--
lexa and clarke slept together three times after that. they were quick, and rough. clarke didn't cry again so lexa didn't mention their first night together. lexa didn't ask clarke if she was okay. she didn't mention that clarke cried silently to herself when she thought lexa was asleep. she didn't mention clarkes breakdown that night when they met at the bar. and she most definitely did not mention that clarke whispered bellamy over and over again in her sleep. she didn't mention that bellamy's wedding was this weekend.
lexa just pretended not to notice.
she had only known one bellamy her whole life. he was clarkes best friends older brother, but lexa had never heard that they were involved. bellamy was tough and he cared for his little sister when their mom died his senior year. every girl at grounder highschool was in love with him. he was electric, and charismatic. if he and clarke were involved, lexa knew she could never compete with that.
she tried though. she tried to be what clarke needed. she held her as close as she could until she was practically squeezing the younger girl. she made her breakfast in the morning, and walked her down to a cab. she held her all night long and kissed away her tears and tried not to flinch when clarke whispered his name while she was having a nightmare. but she knew it wasn't enough.
friday night right after they were done clarke shot up and started putting her clothes back on like she did everytime. lexa pretended like it didn't hurt.
"are you not staying tonight?" lexa asked, softly, gently, trying to hint to clarke that she wanted her to stay. trying to hint to clarke that she was wanted even if wasn't by who she wanted.
"i can't. i - um...i have a wedding to go to tomorrow." clarke said, buttoning her pants.
"bellamy's?" lexa whispered softly. so softly she wasn't even sure if clarke heard her. clarkes face pinched, and she scrunched up her nose as if she smelled something bad. she stood still for a few seconds just looking down at the ground, and lexa came up form behind her. she ran her hand across clarkes shoulders and she could see goose bumps forming on her skin.
"yes...bellamy." clarke whispered his name so gently, so gently that lexa could feel the emotion behind clarkes stare and the way she flinched when she heard his name out loud.
"you still love him, don't you?" lexa asked stroking clarkes back.
clarke turned towards her, and glared at her like she was going to punch her. her face was still pinched and she huffed angrily like she was out of breath. lexa held her breath waiting for clarke to lie and deny it. clarkes face softened after a moment and she bowed her head as if she was ashamed. as if she was guilty. clarke didn't respond and that was all lexa needed to know.
lexa lay with clarke in the bed stroking the bare skin of her back. clarkes tears fell softly down her face, and lexa pretended not to notice. she wondered if bellamy would notice. she wondered if he could make her happy. did bellamy know about clarkes back dimples? did he know that she stirs in her sleep and cries out his name? did he memorize every each of her skin, and treasure it like lexa wanted to? did he count the freckles clarke had going down her back? did he know how shy she was of the birthmark on her ribcage? did he know that she stuttered and laughed nervously right before she was about to breakdown? maybe he did. maybe he knew more than lexa ever would.
she envied him for that.
--
clarke left before lexa woke up. she wasn't surprised.
the wedding was beautiful. the decorations were extravagant. they had an outdoor wedding in the woods behind bellamys house, and all the guests sat on logs as the bride, echo, walked down the isle, smiling, at her husband to be. bellamy was up at the front by the preacher with misty eyes and a small smile that played on his lips like this was the happiest day of his life and he had never seen anyone so beautiful in his life. the whole time lexa couldn't stop glancing around looking for the familiar flash of blonde hair, twinkling golden in the sun.
it wasn't until after the ceremony, and everyone was giving toasts did she spot her. prefect, pale pink skinned legs making their way up the stage. she was wearing a gorgeous light purple dress and her blonde hair fell gently down her shoulder. a few murmurs were heard throughout the crowd as the blonde beauty made her way up to the stage. in the short time lexa and clarke had been close she was drunk every time, and so now lexa knew that the blonde girl up on stage was drunk and something terrible might happen.
"hello everyone," clarke said into the microphone, and laughed nervously. lexa made her way towards bellamy and the bride to warn them that the blonde might have had a few too many drinks.
"what...is she doing here?" lexa heard bellamy say. her breath got in her throat when the blonde spoke again. bellamy had a blank stare and a pained look in his eyes like he never thought he would see clarke giving a toast at his wedding, like he didn't think he'd see clarke ever again.
"i knew some of us thought this day would never come," clarke laughed, and bellamy gulped, "i remember when i was just a little freshman and bellamy was in his room with his friends talking about how he'd never get married. octavia and i would laugh and tease him saying that theres no way a guy like bellamy blake could stay single. i mean, am i right?" clarke said. a few laughs were heard from the audience and bellamy focused his gaze on the ground, and gripped the table like he was waiting for clarke to say something awful.
maybe he didn't really know her as well as lexa thought.
"he also said that he would never want to be a father, but bellamy...i know you. you raised octavia all by yourself when your mom wasn't around. you helped her with her homework, you braided her hair, and held her when she cried for hours after your moms funeral. you were her safe place. her home. you would do anything for her. to protect her. it makes sense. i knew from the day i met you that you would be destined for something...great..." she paused.
"and echo," she said, turning her attention towards the bride who was smiling up at the blonde girl oblivious of her feelings toward her husband. clarke couldn't say what she needed to. he likes his coffee black. he will not make two trips to get groceries from the car. he likes to be read the illiad when he's upset. if he feels like he did something wrong he will beat himself up about it for days so you have to remind him that it's okay. he will stress. he will stress so much over everything. especially octavia. you have to let him, but you also have to be there to hold his hand and remind him to breathe. he likes his hair played with even though he'll never admit it. when you're sad he will hold you close and protect you. you will feel so safe like no army in the world could break you away from him. make sure you hold him close too. clarke stared blankly at the girl, "take care of him."
everyone was so quiet lexa was sure that the whole room was holding their breath.
"bellamy," clarke breathed, and lexa could feel her heart ripping in two, because clarke had never said her name like that. her voice was gentle and soft, but also heartbreaking, because she knew she could never have bellamy. every kiss, every glance, every piece of love bellamy gave her was in her voice giving her the strength to say her next words. my conscience burning, my eyes are too, "congratulations."
thunderous applauds were heard throughout the crowd and bellamy had a boyish grin on his face, and maybe it was the light playing tricks on her but lexa swore she saw water gathering at the bottom of his eyes. he quickly recovered and pulled his bride up to the stage ending all the other toasts and gave her a speech, that led into their first dance as man and wife.
and no one noticed the blonde girl slipping out through the back, her head getting lost in the sea of people because they were too busy to notice her when the couple was dancing in the middle of the floor holding each other like they were the last two on earth. even lexa was too busy to notice the last words on clarkes lips she whispered into the wind.
does she love you? and i swear i do.