Chapter Five
It’s early afternoon when Ray leaves the rehab facility after a year and a half. In terms of a place to get sober, Healing Light Rehabilitation Center wasn’t a bad place to be. With warm wood and sandstone buildings, soft green and beige walls, wide windows, comfortable private and shared rooms plus a swimming pool, it wasn’t a bad place at all.
Ray still hated it. Hated those first few weeks, cut cold turkey from the alcohol he needed to move through life, body on fire and mind a scramble as he yelled and screamed at the doctors and councillors monitoring him until the withdrawal subsided. Hated the ache in his chest, remembers the look on Sand’s face in the hospital, head covered in bandages and an IV in his arm. Hated remembering Sand trying to break up with him, voice cold and face distant while Nick, stupid fucking Nick, shoved Ray away from Sand’s bed.
After the withdrawal had come the actual rehab. Sitting in share circles, talking to his therapist, journaling, doing fucking arts and crafts. The therapist was annoying, wanting to talk about Ray’s mom and his relationship with his dad. But Ray had wanted to talk about Sand. Sand, the only person who’s ever really loved Ray; not his mother who drank herself to death, or his father who imprisoned him here, or Mew, his best friend, who insisted Ray leave Sand alone. Something Mew and Ray’s therapist share in common- Dr. Lee seemed to think Ray’s love of Sand is dangerous and obsessive.
But what did any of them know? He and Sand are still very much in love, even if Sand never came to visit. Just Mew and his dad, the latter who he ignored, having nothing to say to the man. His dad always left after visiting day dejected and sad. Good.
The air is just as hot and muggy outside the facility as inside. Ray spots Mew, tall and lanky, waving from beside his car, pulled up to the main doors to pick up Ray, as he refused his father’s offer to come instead.
“Hey Ray.” Mew gives Ray an awkward hug before the two climb into Mew’s cramped car.
“Hey Mew.” Ray says back, turning on the radio and staring out the window as Mew begins the hour-long journey back to Bangkok. “Sand didn’t want to come?”
Mew’s hands tighten on the steering wheel. “No, he didn’t. Why would he?”
“Does he even know I got out today?” Ray feels a deep pit of anger and sadness carve itself into his chest.
“Yes, I texted him. And Ray, I want you to leave Sand alone. He broke up with you in the hospital.” Mew cautions.
“We didn’t break up! Sand wasn’t in his right mind!” Ray’s voice is dangerously close to yelling.
“Because you gave him a fucking concussion! And I talked to Sand months after the accident and he hasn’t changed his mind.” Mew doesn’t trip over the curse word like he might have before.
Ray is trying to breathe deeply and count to ten, like his therapist tried to teach him. “I didn’t mean to hurt Sand, I would never hurt him. I just need to see him.”
“Lets not pretend.” Mew’s voice is low. “That the accident was the first time you hurt him.”
Ray wants a drink so badly he can feel his whole body ache. “I never meant to hurt Sand.”
“You never did Ray, but it happened. It happened to Sand, who doesn’t want you in his life anymore. You need to accept that.” Mew says as the highway gets busier the closer they get to the city.
“Is he dating someone else?” Ray doesn’t know if he could take Sand dating anyone that isn’t him.
Mew sighs. “I really don’t know; it’s not like we became best friends after you went off to rehab. Mostly I just texted him support messages and to let him know when you were getting out.”
Ray grits his teeth. He finally got his phone back after being denied that privilege during his stay in rehab but the bastards hadn’t bothered to charge the damn thing. He had to wait to get home to prowl Sand’s instagram to find out anything useful.
Mew drops him off at home, early afternoon bleeding into lazy midday. They say frosty goodbyes before Mew drives off and Ray shoulders his way inside the house. It’s quiet, always quiet, the staff either gone or doing a good job of hiding, his father waiting for him in the main living room.
“Ray.” His dad stands up as Ray walks past to get to his room. “Ray, wait.”
“For what?” Ray stops in the middle of the hallway, his back to his dad.
“I know you’re mad at me but I did that for your own good. I didn’t want you to die like your mother. Everything I’ve done has been to protect you.”
Ray whirls around, fury in his gaze. “Don’t pretend like you suddenly care about me! You ignored me for years after mom died until I caused you too many problems and you shipped me off to rehab for over a year! Kept me away from Sand! Just leave me the fuck alone!”
Ray ignores the devastated look on his dad’s face and marches upstairs to his room, slamming the door shut behind him. He jitters on his bed as his phone charges enough to be turned on, the impossible wait as the fucking thing boots up, before finally his phone is open and operational.
Over a years worth of messages and notifications nearly collapses the phone before Ray’s eyes. He swipes through or ignores all the notifications and texts until his phone stops chirping and vibrating. Phone now settled, Ray, hand’s shaking, opens up instagram and pulls up Sand’s account.
Only to find that Sand has blocked Ray and made his account private. Ray’s breathing turns harsh and he pulls up any other social media site he can think of that Sand has only to find the same results. He would call Sand but Ray had memorized the number years ago and tried to call it on the old landline at the rehab center only to find out Sand changed his fucking number.
The rage continues to build. Ray needs to see Sand, feels it viscerally in his heart. Needs to see Sand, touch him, tell him how Ray feels. To remind Sand of how much they love each other. A sudden sharp need for a drink, any drink, but Ray pushes back. He got sober for Sand, to show him how much he means to Ray. He can’t break that now.
The most obvious thing to do is go to Sand’s apartment. Sand can change his number and make his socials private but he doesn’t have the money to move. But how can Ray get there? His car is wrecked and he doesn’t have a driver's license anymore. Not to mention his father will be haunting the halls, making sure Ray doesn't leave. Realistically though what could his father do outside of fucking tackling Ray to the ground?
Even so he waits three agonizing days as his father lets his guard down a little and Mew stops texting every hour on the hour, dropping down to every two hours. It hurts Ray to be away from Sand and for Sand to even think that Ray is forgetting him. Ray never could. Sand is his whole world.
That fourth day, afternoon once more, his father out of the house for a meeting and Ray orders a car through his phone to take him to Sand’s apartment. It’s Saturday, so there is a good chance Sand (and Nick) might be home, no school or nightly gigs to distract Sand. Fridays were Sand’s busiest booze days so there is a good chance Sand won’t be out on a delivery either.
The car ride is lone and pure torture. Ray wants to jump out of his own skin as the car pulls up to Sand’s apartment building and Ray practically jumps out of the car before it fully stops, prompting the driver to yell something at him but Ray’s already slamming the door and barging into the building and running up the stairs.
And there is the door to Sand’s apartment and Ray is knocking frantically, waiting on bated breath for the door to open. After a moment the door is opened and Ray looks up expectantly, breathless with anticipation to see Sand’s face.
But it’s not Sand or even Nick who opens the door. It’s a man that Ray doesn’t recognize, tall and muscled, handsome and smirking down at Ray. For a moment Ray thinks that maybe Sand has moved and he’s just knocked on some random person’s door when the man speaks. “You must be Ray.”
“Who the fuck are you?” Ray’s voice comes out strangled. This man, whoever he is, knows who Ray is. Which means Sand must have told this guy who Ray is.
“I’m Top, Sand’s boyfriend.” The man seems casual but his whole body blocks the doorway, obscuring Ray’s view into the apartment.
“No, you’re not.” Ray feels his anger burning through his blood. “No you’re fucking not!”
The man, Top, has lost his smirk and is frowning down at Ray. “Shut the fuck up will you?”
But it’s too late. A voice sounds from inside the apartment, one as familiar to Ray as his own. “Who is it?”
Then Sand appears, gently pushing Top aside so he can see who’s at his door. Ray feels himself freeze, drinking in the sight of Sand. Those beautiful brown eyes and soft lips, smooth tan skin and long legs. He’s exactly as Ray remembers him, down to the jeans and vintage t-shirt. Ray wants so desperately to reach out and touch Sand, to press his face against Sand’s neck and breathe in the scent of mint and plum that always clings to Sand.
Sand though looks as if he’s been hit across the face. “Ray…”
Ray smiles. “Hey baby. I missed you so much.”
“Sand it’s alright.” Top puts a studying hand to Sand’s shoulder as Sand wobbles backwards a step. Ray wants to bite Top’s hand off.
“No…I-” Sand’s eyes are darting around, just glancing off of Ray’s form as Ray takes a half-step forward to reach out and try to lay a calm hand on Sand. Sand recoils. “I want you to leave. Please Ray just go.”
Ray’s hand curls back to his side as Sand seems to subconsciously lean into Top’s strong body, who immediately wraps an arm around Sand’s shoulders. “No, you don’t want me to leave. I spent over a year in rehab to get better for you. I love you Sand.”
Sand’s face seems to crumble a little, tears glistening in his eyes. Top takes this in and gently moves Sand behind him to block the doorway. “It’s time for you to leave. He doesn’t want you here.”
“And what the fuck would you know about what he wants?!” Ray’s temper is back in full force now that Sand isn't directly in his sight.
“He just told you to go, so go. You are not wanted here.” Top says and Ray goes a little crazy.
It’s a split second to go from standing still, poised in fury, to barge against Top and to slip between him and the door into Sand’s apartment. Sand is standing uncertainly in the living room, eyes wet and arms wrapped around himself, and snaps his head up as Ray comes barging in and makes a beeline for Sand, grabbing the man’s hands.
Sand’s hands are trembling slightly in Ray’s. “What the hell are you doing?” Sand’s voice wavers.
Ray looks up at Sand with those puppy-dog eyes that always had Sand melting. “I can’t just leave Sand. I waited so long to see you, to tell you that I still love you.”
Top wheels around from the doorway to stand beside Sand and wrench Ray’s hands off Sand’s. “Leave him alone.”
Ray glares at Top. “I’m speaking with Sand, not you.”
Sand turns toward Top. “Can you leave us alone for a minute? I just need to talk to Ray.”
“Are you sure?” Top’s eyes are soft as he gazes at Sand. “He seems pretty mad.”
Sand forces a smile and ignores Ray fuming before him. “I’m sure, I just need a moment.”
Top looks like he’s going to argue more but stops at the look in Sand’s eye and nods. “Just a minute. I’ll be in your room.”
And doesn’t that boil Ray’s blood too, that this stranger thinks he can just go to Sand’s room. Top leaves them with a pacing glare at Ray before he’s down the hall and disappearing into Sand’s room.
“Finally.” Ray feels a little more in control now it’s just he and Sand alone.
“I want you to leave Ray.” Sand manages to inject some steel into his voice. “I broke up with you that night and I meant it. I’m not in love with you anymore.”
Ray feels his entire world constricting, his breathe coming in sharp gasps as he tries to take in what Sand is saying, with his asshole new boyfriend standing behind him. “No! No, you don’t mean that. You. Fucking. Love. Me.” Ray starts off snarling and ends up screaming, watching from faraway eyes as Sand flinches away from him.
Ray steps forward, to do what he isn’t entirely sure and Sand stumbles a step backward, bumping up against the row of lockers he and Nick brought in for storage. Ray follows, furious and heartbroken. “Say you love me!”
“I don’t-” Sand’s words are cut off as Ray’s temper finally boils over and the sound of Ray backhanding Sand hard across the face echoes through the apartment.
Ray blinks rapidly as the haze of his anger fades from his vision and he takes in Sand, tears falling from his eyes, cheek red and lip split and bleeding. “Sand I-”
But then Top is there, grabbing and yanking Ray away and marching him toward the door. He wrenches the door open and throws Ray out into the hall. Without really thinking Ray tries to get back into the apartment, he has to see Sand, has to explain that he didn’t mean it, he’s sorry, it’s just Ray got so mad that Sand wouldn’t admit they were still in love.
“Get the fuck out of here.” Top’s voice is low and deadly. “If you come back here again I’m calling the cops.”
Ray is left standing on the landing as Top slams the door in his face.
Top locks the door behind him, not wanting Ray to barge back into the apartment, and quickly crosses the living room to check on Sand. Sand is shaking slightly, arms wrapped around himself, tears cutting down his face, blood beeding against his split lip.
“Sand baby…” Top doesn’t know what to do. He reaches out to lay gentle hands on Sand’s shoulders but Sand flinches back and Top drops his hands.
“I can’t do this.” Sand’s voice is strangled.
“Can’t do what?” Top hopes his quiet tone will help Sand calm down.
“Ray…he…he’s back and I can’t-this is why…now I remember why I don’t…date rich boys.” Sand’s eyes are darting around the apartment and he can barely get a sentence out. The redness of his cheek is already melting into bruised.
“I told Ray not to come back.” Little good it would do now. “But Sand I think you need to lie down. You don’t look good.”
“I’m fine.” Sand insists even though Top can clearly see he’s lying. “But I think you should go too.”
“Baby, why do you want me to go? I don’t think you should be alone right now.” Top can’t figure out what’s going on. Ray shows up, hits Sand and now Sand wants him to leave too?
“Ray…he just reminded me that I can’t do this.” Sand’s arms tighten around himself.
“Do what?” Top is trying hard to remain calm but it sounds dangerously like Sand wants to break up.
“Date some rich boy who needs me to take care of him.” Sand isn’t even looking at Top. “I can’t be whatever it is you want me to be, to make you happy.”
For the first time in his life Top feels his heart break a little. “Sand, honey, please look at me.” Sand’s head slowly tilts back until Top can see those beautiful brown eyes, full of tears. Slowly Top reaches out and cups Sand’s face with his hands, being careful of the bruise. “I don’t need you to take care of me. In fact, I want to take care of you. All I want to do is make you happy, in a way I’ve never wanted to do for anyone before. If you really want me to go I will, but I want so desperately to stay with you now. To make you feel good.”
Sand had stopped shaking while Top spoke and now looks up at Top with a mixture of wonder and apprehension in his eyes. Top gently wipes the tears from Sand’s face and kisses him softly on the forehead.
“...stay. Please.” Sand surges forward and wraps his arms tight around Top and buries his face in Top’s neck.
And Top holds Sand back, trying his best to shield Sand from the world, even if it’s only for a few moments.