Chapter 9
Clarke blew out a calming puff of air as she wandered through the camp. She took a seat against a tree just outside the light of the fires and smiled when she felt her hair ruffle as Juno huffed and took a seat next to her.
“I know,” She said quietly, “I’m just worrying too much.”
“Worrying about what?”
Clarke didn’t even jump as Lexa seemingly materialized out of nowhere and took a seat on her other side.
“Worried I might be sighing too much.” Clarke replied. She smiled when she heard the older girl laugh and elected to simply enjoy the warm feeling that traveled up her arm and settled in her chest when Lexa took hold of her hand, as opposed to fighting it or overthinking the meaning behind this simple action.
“It’s important for a leader to take time to relax.” Lexa offered sagely. “Otherwise you’ll burn yourself out.”
“Oh? And how does the great and mighty Heda relax?” Clarke asked. “By challenging your men to sparring matches ten at a time?” Clarke of
Lexa’s soft laugh reminded her of bells she had heard in some of the movies on the Ark and filled the space between them as she fiddled with the blonde’s fingers. Clarke didn’t realise she had started leaning more and more against the brunette until she felt Lexa’s breath against her ear as she rested her head on the taller girl’s shoulder.
“No,” Lexa whispered as she smiled softly against golden tresses, “though that can be amusing in its own way. My preferred method of relaxation involves finding a nice quiet space away from the burdens of being Heda, and sharing it with those I am most comfortable with.
“Lexa...”
“I know,” Lexa murmured. “You don’t have to trust me, Clarke, but I hope you know that I do care for you and that I will keep working to prove that to you from now to the day my fight ends.”
Clarke sniffled quietly. They were separated from the prying eyes of others, and for once, she allowed her rigid walls to slip away, letting her pain come forward.
“I’m just so tired.” She muttered brokenly.
“Then sleep Ain Plana. Let yourself rest while Juno and I keep you safe.”
Clarke nodded mutely and closed her eyes. She felt herself fill with warmth as Juno readjusted against her while Lexa wrapped an arm around her. She inhaled the smell of trees and spice and earth beneath her and felt a tingle in her chest. It was as if the violent, fractured pieces of her heart were finally starting to mend. She relished the feeling the feeling and couldn’t stop herself from thinking, maybe, if as her pain started to fade, so too would some of her ghosts.
*(OoO)*
Clarke woke with a gasp and tried to fight against the slight pressure she felt around her. She flailed as half-remembered terrors assaulted her mind and ghosts gathered behind her eyelids, silent and judging.
“Clarke.”
She tried to turn toward the voice; but the darkness surrounded her and her heaving chest made her light-headed.
“Clarke, it’s okay. You’re safe.” The voice was warm and soothing and familiar and gentle as it whispered soft comforts in her ear. The pressure around her chest tightened, but it was no longer restrictive so much as safe.
“Lexa…” She croaked.
“I have you, Clarke. I’m right here, you’re safe with me. Just breathe.”
She struggled to inhale, desperately trying to fill her lungs, and tried to focus on her surroundings. It was still dark and her vision was swimming, making each tree melt into the others. Everywhere she looked, the dead stood watching her.
Dante, his eyes hard and certain, even as the bullet hole in his chest bled. His white button-up shirt growing more and more saturated with unstoppable red.
Maya, face full of shock and terror, surrounded by children –always the children- while parents and friends and loved ones stood behind them. Even as the very air itself burnt them from the inside out, Clarke could still hear the children’s innocent cries of why over the screams of agony.
Anya, who stood with mud on her face and betrayal in her eyes before her army of charred husks.
The people of TonDC, burnt and butchered by the bomb and shrapnel that she had let fall on them.
Finn, the guilt at murdering innocent people was overshadowed by relief at finding her.
So many dead. Everywhere she turned there were more of them. Hundreds upon hundreds of people. Lives she ended. Opportunities she had taken away.
“I’m sorry.” She sobbed. “I’m so sorry.” Her head was pounding and felt light as she struggled for air. She was drowning. The blood on her hands was drowning her. Filling her lungs and squeezing the life from her.
“Clarke, listen to me. Match my breaths and focus on my words.” She felt Lexa’s chest rise against her back and shakily inhaled, trying to match it. “There is no one here but you, me, and Juno. The dead aren’t here, Clarke. It’s just us.”
She felt Juno’s rumbling against her and used it to anchor herself. Let herself relax into the bear’s side, soft fur and gentle heaving breaths joined strong arms and comforting words. Slowly, the sea of blood drained away, the ghosts faded and she was able to discern where she was.
The trees separated and took solid form in the silver light of the moon. To her left, the remains of a fire glowed, the careful sounds of those on watch reminding her that she was back amongst the living.
“I’m sorry for waking you,” she whispered once her tears dried and her breathing calmed.
Lexa took her hands in one of her own while the other cupped her cheek and directed watery sapphires to shining emeralds.
“Never apologize for needing me.” She said quietly, her voice soft yet full of conviction.
Clarke swallowed and nodded. Dawn was rapidly approaching and while she knew there was no hope of getting back to sleep, she was too drained to think as she sank into the brunette’s arms. Her lips twitched when she felt Juno lay her massive foreleg across her thighs while the bear’s head rested on her lower legs, providing the blonde with a sort of blanket that promised comfort and protection.
“I remember when you first went into the markets in Polis.” Lexa said, smiling softly as she stroked Clarke’s side and back soothingly. “Your eyes were filled with such wonder.”
“I didn’t know you were there.” Clarke murmured. That day had been filled with so many new experiences. After being stuck in her house for several days while her wounds healed, Clarke had insisted Echo take her to the markets and show her what she would need to start working as a healer. She had been floored when they arrived. Polis was filled with so much life, the dead had no choice but to fade into the background as new sights and sounds and smells and tastes and feelings flooded Clarke’s mind.
“I was on my way to see how you were recovering before meeting with the Council. My guards and I were quite amused watching Echo chase after you as you hurried from stall to stall.”
“I remember that,” Clarke chuckled. “She kept telling me to slow down before I reopened my wounds.”
“She, like many others, was probably afraid of what Juno would do if she saw you hurt yourself.”
“Juno wouldn’t hurt a fly.” Clarke said as she ran her fingers through the bear’s soft, dark fur.
“I think we both know that’s not true.” Lexa teased. She had seen what remained of the bounty hunter who had attacked Clarke before they had found her. “I had just allowed a creature that could easily make a meal of a pauna if it so chose into my city; suffice to say, I was more than a little on edge.”
Clarke laughed. “You and half the city.”
“But then, this little girl approached you, do you remember?”
Clarke sobered. “I do.” She whispered.
“She came up to you and Juno and the entire city watched as this little girl stood face to face with a bear that could devour her whole and wrapped her arms around its leg. I was stunned at the audacity this child showed before what could have easily been seen as a monster, and when Juno leaned down to nuzzle this little girl as if she was one of her own cubs, I knew that it truly was Trimani Nomon who had chosen to watch over you. Her father came running after her, then, apologizing as he called her to him. He was at his wits end, as any parent would be, and he asked her what she was thinking. Do you remember what she said?”
Clarke remained silent as tears slid down her cheeks. Lexa reached up and brushed them away with her thumb before continuing.
“She said she wanted to thank the Forest Mother for taking care of you. She said you saved her own mother and she was happy you had someone to take care of you like her mother did her.”
They were silent for a long time while Clarke cried softly in her arms. By the time she was calm enough to speak, the sky had changed from inky black to a dull grey as dawn approached.
“Thank you, Lexa.” She whispered against the woman’s neck.
Lexa tightened her arms around Clarke’s waist and buried her nose in the blonde’s hair. She took a deep breath and relished in the smell of smoke and spice and fresh water before answering.
“The ghosts of the past will never leave you, Clarke. But, if you keep moments such as that day in the market in your mind, the pain will lessen. Don’t make the mistake of closing yourself off from the world.”
Clarke nodded again. Lexa didn’t have to say anything for her to know the brunette was speaking from experience. The same phantoms that were undoubtedly in Clarke’s eyes danced in Lexa’s. Behind the softness and understanding stood a monument to the pain the older woman had felt in her years leading her people. Their souls were mass graves; their hearts the tombs. Both she and Lexa may have been broken beyond repair from the ordeals they had faced over their lives, but maybe, with all the pieces of them together, they could build something else.
Something new.
Something warmer.
Something better.
*(OoO)*
They left shortly after dawn. Lexa said that if they continued making good time, they would reach the Marsh Clan by nightfall or early the next day. Clarke took the time to catch up with her people. She had them keep news on the developments in Arkadia to themselves until they returned to Polis though, as she wanted Lexa and herself to be the first to hear it, away from the opinions of others.
She was happy to hear about how her friends were doing, but was unable to quell the guilt she felt when she heard of Jasper and his steady descent into depression, nor the sadness that came when she saw the defeated look on Monty’s face as he thought about his best and oldest friend.
“He and Jasper had a falling out.” Miller explained. “Jasper used him as a sort of punching bag, but after a few months of it Monty couldn’t take it anymore. Not with everything else happening.”
It wasn’t until after they had stopped for a break that Clarke noticed Raven.
She had been trying to give the Latina some space; they were both hurting and if words started to fly, she didn’t want the hot-headed mechanic to do or say anything she would regret in front of the sometimes temperamental Grounders. If she was honest with herself, she was afraid she would shoot her own mouth off too, but when she saw the pained look on her friend’s face as Sinclair helped her off their horse, she put aside her lingering frustration and approached the girl.
“Raven, can we talk?”
The rest of their group watched as Raven’s face remained neutral while she nodded and followed Clarke to a secluded spot near some trees away from the group.
“You’re not gonna order Mama Bear to eat me or anything, right?”
Clarke smiled and shook her head, “No, you’re fine. I wanted to apologize to you. I was really harsh to you guys last night. None of you asked for this and I should have been more patient with you and done a better job of explaining everything.”
Raven sighed and readjusted herself on her good leg. “For what it’s worth Clarke, I’m sorry too. So much has happened and I took out all the pain and rage I was feeling on you.” The darker girl’s lips twitched slightly and Clarke couldn’t help but pull the girl into a hug.
They separated after a few moments when they hear the rest of the convoy preparing to leave, and Clarke could feel the dread coming off Raven in waves at the thought of getting back on one of the horses.
“You know,” she said awkwardly, “if you want, you can ride with me on Juno. She’s a lot gentler than the horses and riding her is easier on the legs.”
“Thanks Clarke,” Raven said quietly. “But I can already tell the Grounders are talking about me, I don’t need them seeing me as a charity case too.”
“You think they’re making fun of you?” Clarke asked with a smirk.
“Well what else would they be saying?” Raven asked hotly.
“They respect you. They know a bit about what happened to you guys, and they’re impressed you’ve kept going despite the brace.”
“Really?”
“Really,” Clarke confirmed with a nod. “As for looking like a charity case, it’s not their way to judge like that. Plus, they’ll probably be more focused on the fact that we’re riding a twenty foot tall black bear.”
Raven considered her words as she looked at the others mounting their horses before turning back to face Clarke. “Alright, I’ll do it.”
“Great.” Clarke smiled before calling out to Juno. The bear loped out of the forest a handful of seconds later, what looked like honey stuck to the fur around her snout and Raven couldn’t help but snort with laughter when Clarke shrieked and groaned in disgust as her friend licked and nuzzled her face.
Raven watched as Clarke spoke to the animal with love and affection she had rarely seen the blonde direct at anyone, let alone her own mother. While her heart went out to Abby, she was happy nonetheless that her friend finally had a source of unconditional love and support, free of judgement and circumstance. She observed Clarke explain what was happening to Juno and was shocked to see understanding in the bear’s eyes as it lowered itself to the ground for them.
Clarke got on first, her legs straddling Juno’s back just behind her shoulders. She then reached around and helped Raven get up behind her. Once they were both settled, Juno rose to her feet and made her way back to the rest of the convoy. As the mighty bear easily kept pace with the Grounder’s horses, Raven was impressed to find that, compared to the bouncing, jostling and strain of riding a horse, she felt next to no pain sitting there behind.
They were silent for a while and Clarke allowed herself to relax slightly. In the past few months, she had come to appreciate the silence in much the same way the Grounders did. It made actions and words so much more significant, and prompted her to carefully consider her words and the impact they could have as opposed to bluntly speaking her mind without thinking. It also made for better communication in combat and while hunting. She had come to sometimes rely on body language more than actual words to both hide and communicate her intentions, and found it was easy to tell when somebody said one thing and meant another after spending so much time hunting with Echo and Colste or watching warriors train and trying to predict their moves before they made them.
She smirked though when Raven leaned forward to whisper in her ear. “There’s a guy behind us who won’t stop staring at me.” She paused and turned slightly to look back before whipping forward, “Oh God, he’s coming over.”
As Raven predicted, one of the warriors in Lexa’s guard trotted up to ride right behind them. He greeted Lexa and spoke to her in rapid fire Trigedasleng before turning to speak to Raven who simply looked confused and cautious.
“Ian would like to know if your friend the one who designed that brace on her leg and if she will be returning to Polis with us.” Lexa translated.
“Why do you want to know?” Raven asked suspiciously.
“Beja, my brother is a blacksmith in Polis, and I was merely wondering if you would be willing to share your knowledge with him. There are many people in Polis who could benefit from a brace such as that.”
“I think we’ll be able to work something out, Ian.” Clarke said smiling. “But right now, I’m pretty sure you’re supposed to be guarding the flank, right?”
“Sha, Skai Prisa. Mochof.” He said sheepishly before he rode back to his spot in the convoy and smiling triumphantly at the other warriors.
“Would his brother really be able to recreate something like my brace?”
“Many of our craftsmen work tirelessly to create tools to ease the lives of our people.”
“Like what?”
“Raven,” Clarke answered seriously, turning in her spot to face the other girl, “they have toothbrushes.”
“No way…”Raven whispered, stunned.
“And they accuse my people of being savages.” Lexa muttered to herself, though Clarke still heard her and laughed loudly.
“When the dropship first came down,” Clarke explained, “they didn’t give us much in the way of supplies since they didn’t think we’d survive anyway. Personal hygiene products didn’t make the list.”
“Wow, Princess, if it’s as great there as you say, I can see why you didn’t come back.” It was meant as a joke, but Raven could see it had the opposite effect on the blonde when the shorter girl sighed softly.
“I am sorry for abandoning you, Raven… all of you.” She said quietly, and Raven could see from the set of her shoulders and the waver in her voice that it must have been just as hard for Clarke to deal with leaving as it was for the rest of them.
“I know,” Raven told her. “What did you do while in Polis?”
Clarke seemed thankful for the change in subject but still ended up flushed when Lexa proudly declared, “Fisa Klark is one of the best, well renowned healers in the city. She is highly regarded for her care for all people, regardless of rank, station, or circumstance, and has recently accepted the offer to join me as my advisor in Council meetings.”
Raven laughed at the pink dusting her friend’s cheeks and they spent the rest of the day talking lightly between stretches of companionable silence; occasionally, Lexa would contribute to the conversation, but the Commander spent most of her time staring forward impassively, focused on her destination.
*(OoO)*
They arrived at the Marsh Clan village just after midday the next day. The terrain had shifted from hard dirt and trees to plains full of spongy grass and mud, causing the horses to slow down while the sky was slowly blanketed in clouds that threatened rainfall. Clarke and Lexa had spent the night leaning against each other again before riding together the next day while their destination slowly came in sight. Lexa barely had time to accept the greetings of the clan members before Clarke dismounted Juno and kindly demanded to be taken to see Grom’s father. She worked quickly and efficiently, asking questions about the man, and once she entered the hut she went straight to work, requesting no one disturb her until she was done while Juno laid down just outside the door and acted as a guard of sorts. Her last words were to instruct Octavia, Lincoln, and Colste to report in with the warriors guarding the village while Kane, Miller, Monty, and Sinclair helped with any repairs and Raven joined her in the hut.
Lexa swelled with pride at the way Clarke took charge, and set about delegating tasks to her people before taking a seat next to Juno so she could be there if Clarke needed her after she finished.
Several hours later, Clarke trudged out of the hut. The slouch of her shoulders and the shuffling of her feet belayed the exhaustion her face refused to show. She ordered two people stay with Grom’s father at all times and for one of them to get her immediately should he wake before allowing Lexa to escort her to the Commander’s tent while Juno lumbered behind them. She kicked off her boots and collapsed on the pile of furs at the back of the tent. Juno walked in, taking remarkable care for an animal her size, and reclined between the entrance to the tent and the small fire pit inside with a huff.
Lexa stood there, hesitating until she heard Clarke call out to her. She removed her boots, armor, and weapons (excluding the small knife she kept with her even while sleeping) and padded over to slowly lay down next to Clarke. She paid careful attention to the space between them only to supress a snort of laughter when the sleepy blonde huffed in frustration before grabbing Lexa with a grunt and pulling her closer.
“I just spent the last sixteen hours saving a man’s life, inhaling an unholy amount of different fumes from herbs, and am genuinely exhausted,” the smaller woman mumbled in what Lexa was sure was meant to be a commanding and threatening tone, but ended up coming out more endearing than anything. “I want to get some decent sleep before another problem springs up, and since that seems to happen when you’re holding me, I am not about to let your stupidly charming chivalry get in the way of that.”
“I’m glad to be of service.” Lexa murmured as she tightened her grip around the blonde.
“You better be. I may have already forgiven you, but that doesn’t mean I’m done making you work for it.”
Lexa chuckled at the tired girl’s ramblings, “I’d expect nothing less, Ain Plana.” And within minutes, both were sound asleep in each other’s arms.