Almost Peace
Murphy huffed as the cabin came into sight, the tension hitting him immediately. He sees Raven lying belly down in the dirt across from the fire and crouches down near her head. "How's it going, asshole?"
"I just got shot, you know the usual, dumbass."
Murphy nods theatrically. "That's good, I was gonna have to do it myself soon."
"It probably was you, you can't aim for shit." Her serious facade cracks, weak laughter shaking her body. Their bond had been like this ever since her family adopted him; all snarky comments and hidden loyalty. Well, sometimes not-so-hidden loyalty. Like when they were in kindergarten and Raven beat up a third grader named Emori after she pointed out how Murphy looked like her pet lizard, making him cry. Or in sixth grade, when Raven's date to the spring fling cancelled last minute. She had said it was fine, but Murphy walked in on her crying a few minutes later. He hadn't planned on going, so he didn't have a tux of his own, but he went as her date in an obnoxiously oversized one.
Or now, as Raven attempts to drag herself closer to him and, taking pity on her, he grips under her arms and lightly pulls her upper body onto his lap. She flinches as he settles her and he stops quickly. "Does it hurt?"
"No, I'm fine.". The shakiness of her voice and the sweat on her skin say otherwise, and if it were anyone else Murphy would have pretended to believe the lie, but it's Raven.
"Lying is a sin, Reyes." He smirks into her hair.
"Good thing I haven't got much faith."
He just nods to that, because really who does anymore? "Have you eaten?"
"Clarke basically force fed me after the surgery."
"That's good," It's only then that he notices the group's absence, "Where is everyone?"
"Theyre all inside sleeping," The brunette's body stiffens, and Murphy isn't sure why until she continues, "Clarke and Finn said they were going to take second watch a while ago."
"You don't think that's what they're doing?"
"Bellamy hasn't come back, so no. They're just out there discussing what the group's going to do with me now that I'm useless."
"Raven, you know that's no-"
"I can't fucking walk Murphy."
"You don't need-"
"Maybe I didn't need my legs back then, but I sure as hell do now. What are you guys going to do, wheel me away from the zombies?"
"We'll find a way. None of us are going to leave you. I'm never going to leave you, shitface."
She turns her head to look at the fire, the fabric of Murphy's jeans muffling her voice as she whispers "That's what I'm afraid of."
---
"Finn, seriously, we need to stop." The blonde exhales, untangling her hands from his hair as she pushes him away.
They're both breathing heavy, lips swollen under the break of dawn. Finn seems to be much more winded than her, whatever flu he caught in the past few days catching up to him. "Why?"
Clarke's eyes narrow at his incompetence and she snaps "Because there are more important things to do than making out in the forest right now. We could be resting. Or setting up supplies. Or-"
"That's not what this is about though, is it?"
She sighs, "No Finn, it's not."
"Then what's wrong, babe? Is it...your mom?" He asks hesitantly, body tensing for the oncoming fight.
But there isn't a fight. Instead Clarke slides down the tree, liking the way the harsh bark bites into her back. Her eyes fill with tears, and she presses the new wounds harder against the rough surface. "Your girlfriend is a shout away, Finn. Your dying girlfriend," She shakes her head, tugging at her hair, "what the hell is wrong with us?"
"There's nothing wrong with you Clarke," Finn follows her down, as he's always done, "This is my fault. Raven's gonna be fine, but I can't break up with her right now. She's going through a lot. How can I be selfish enough to hurt her at a time like this?"
The blonde merely shrugs, nowhere near as apathetic as she tries to seem. "You're selfish enough to cheat on her at a time like this." She goes to get up, but he catches her wrist and pulls her into another kiss.
It's horrible and shitty that he does it, and she knows it's even worse that she lets him. They've always been like this, all grand gestures and no fall through. For six months she's told him that it's over and in those six months it's never been over. She doubts it ever will be. Because he really loves her. And she loves him. (Or maybe she loves the idea of him.)
She hates herself for it, but it's true nonetheless.
He was repeating a mantra of 'I'm sorry's against her skin and it isn't her who he should be apologizing to, but she closes her eyes and pretends it is. She thinks that's what he's doing. It doesn't help, but she never really expected it to.
She lets their mouths crash together until his hands linger under her shirt. "Finn." The words come out like a warning.
She's fully prepared to leave, until his eyes become glassy. She's never seen him cry; he's the type of person who knows anger better than he does sadness. And even though he isn't crying now, the unshed tears and the sickly color of his skin are enough to get her to pause and listen.
"I just- I need...please Clarke."
"Please what?"
"Can we just have one night? Things aren't going to be the same after tomorrow and I just want to spend tonight with you. Please."
"You're going to tell Raven?"
"Something like that." He smiles sadly. Her heart clinches. Somewhere, deep down, she hadn't thought he'd ever do it. But here he was. And here she was, more lonely than she's ever been. A girl with no boyfriend and no mother and, soon, no friends.
The constant numb she usually felt was chipping away, and she wasn't accustomed to dealing with the waves of grief anymore.
So she grabs onto Finn, forever her anchor, and kisses him until she forgets what it's like to drown. Until there are no zombies, and no other girlfriends to hide from. Until they are just a girl and a boy, who've never seen death up close; who touch under the cover of dark just because they want to.
The stench of decay sticks to them even then, but that's okay; they cannot smell it. They cannot see the wounds they give each other, or hear the cries of the lost. They've never tasted their own bitter lies and they never will.
They can only feel, and so that is what they do.
---
Inside the cabin, everyone spreads out to get some much needed alone time. The van is a lifesaver, but it's also cramped.
Monty smiles as he wraps Miller's ankle on the pullout sofa. "You know, if you were more careful, you'd make my job a lot easier."
Miller pretends to consider it for a moment, before asking "What if I'm into the whole doctor/patient thing?"
Monty throws the roll of gauze at the injured man's head, laughing. "Then I'd have to kink shame you."
"I'm glad to know I have such a supportive friend."
"I should just become a counselor."
Miller smirks, looking pointedly at the messy wrapping on his hurt ankle. "You'd probably be better at that than you are at being a doctor."
The smaller boy pouts slightly, mumbling "No one has any manners anymore."
"I have manners."
"I haven't seen them."
Miller opens his mouth to argue, before deciding against it. "I'll defend my etiquette later, I'm too tired right now."
Monty chuckles at his yawn as he gets up. He's turning to leave as Miller realizes he isn't next to him anymore. "You're not staying?"
"You want me to?" The Asian quirks a brow.
"There's no way Jasper and Maya won't try to steal the bed if I'm the only one in it."
It's a fair point, and Monty could use some real, not sitting up in a car, sleep himself so he takes his shoes off and climbs into the bed. It's a testament to how exhausted he is that he doesn't make a single joke about Miller's apparently real love for doctors when the boy slips an arm around his waist.
---
Maya and Jasper end up pulling a bunch of sofa cushions into a makeshift mattress on the floor, stealing a blanket from the cuddling pair on the sofa.
"What are the chances of throwing them off and hogging the bed before they wake up?" He asks, peeling off his dirty sweater.
"Slim to none." The dark haired girl laughs, but her eyes stay as dull as before.
Jasper knocks her shoulder gently with his own before asking "Hey, you okay?" Silence is the only thing that greets him, so he tries again. "Monty to Murphy?"
They'd created the game a while ago, after they both realized they were shit at talking about their feelings. So instead they deflected, used their friends to describe their emotions. If one of them was stressed, they'd say Bellamy. If the other was angry, they'd say Murphy. Jasper had, quite brilliantly in his own opinion, called it Monty to Murphy because Monty tended to be the calmest of the bunch, and Murphy the most aggressive.
Maya hesitated before saying "Clarke"
Jasper brings them both down to the cushions, whispering "That's normal, you do a lot for the group."
They lay in silence for a long time, until they've almost fallen asleep and their bodies breath at the same time. "I miss her."
He looks over at her, "I know."
"She taught me everything I know about medicine."
Jasper nods. Abby had been a great woman, a mother to all of them even before the disease came about. He missed her too. He probably always would and he didn't have it in him to lie to the beauty next to him; tell her that it would get better. It probably wouldn't. They'd probably all die soon. The only thing they had was this moment, and he couldn't blame her for not being satisfied with that.
---
As Maya broke almost silently, Octavia shattered loudly. Lincoln let her release her anger without interruption until she grabs a vase, aiming for the window.
"Slow down, tiger." He smiles, grabbing it from her hands.
"I can't." She complains, throwing her hands up in frustration. "Everything is so screwed up right now and I don't know how to unscrew it."
"Maybe it's not your job." He whispers into her hair after he's pulled her into his arms.
"Maybe. But that just makes it worse, if I'm not fixing it then who is?"
"I don't even know which screwup we're talking about." He laughs, waiting for the answer.
She bits her lip, contemplating. She knows she could tell him her assumption about Clarke and Finn; knows that he'd never tell if she told him not to. But it might not even be true. She could just be overreacting. Yes, that was probably it. She was really stressed after all. "It's nothing."
He raises his eyebrow, but doesn't ask again. He's never been the type to push and she's never been more grateful for that than she is now. Saying her idea out loud meant accepting it as fact, and she wasn't ready for that.
"Can we just go to bed?"
He nods, "We're going to be so sore tomorrow."
That pulls a laugh out of her, because it's such a stupid thing to worry about at a time like this. He chuckles too, and she almost feels happy.
Almost.
---
Bellamy walks into the clearing with his shirt over his shoulder and his pants almost obscenely low on his hips.
It's fucking rude to Murphy, who's already at his wits end with this dumb crush that he can't get rid of.
"Thanks for sending someone to take my place as guard." The dark man says sarcastically, a smile tugging at his lips.
He says it a little too loud and Raven stirs from her spot in Murphy's lap. "Quiet." He whispers.
It's only then that Bellamy notices the sleeping girl and he mumbles an apology as he sits near Murphy.
Their shoulders are touching.
Murphy's palms are sweaty.
It isn't because of the fire.
"Is she okay?" He asks, snapping Murphy out of his pathetic thoughts. For God's sake, Bellamy wasn't even gay. Murphy would definitely know by now if he was.
"As good as can be, I guess. Clarke said the surgery was the easy part though, and that almost killed her. Infection still could."
Bellamy doesn't say anything as Murphy's eyes get dry, as if they too can't stand to cry. His hand moves a little closer to Murphy's though and the younger boy reaches out to grab it.
It isn't the first time they've held hands, but it it feels different this time around.
Murphy doesn't know why, and he doesn't particularly care.
"How's Clarke doing?"
Bellamy gives him a confused look before replying "I haven't seen her since we got here."
"But her and Finn were supposed to replace your shift?"
"I already told you no one came?"
Murphy scrunched his nose. "I thought you were just being a sarcastic asshole because they were late." He looks at the older man before continuing, "You don't think they got attacked, do you?"
Bellamy stands up quickly, gently lifting the still sleeping Raven and placing her in one of the van's rows. "Probably not, but they could be lost or hurt. I'm gonna go look for them."
"I'm coming too."
Bellamy turns to leave, "You should stay here in case Raven wakes up."
Murphy grabs the others hand to stop him. "She'll be out for hours, I'm going with you."
Bellamy looks down at their entwined hands for only a second before huffing out a 'fine' and leading the way.
Even after they reach the tree line, Bellamy's still clutching his hand.