Chapter 2
Maura wrenched herself awake, her heart pounding against her ribcage as she stared around wildly in the dark, groping for the sight of something familiar, something to anchor her. Slowly her bedroom swam into view, and after a minute the floor no longer seemed to tilt crazily, as the crushing blackness gave way to pale moonlight and she finally recognized her surroundings.
She took in a deep, shuddering breath, trying to calm her nerves. The dreams were always startlingly real, even though on some level she recognized them as dreams even as she was experiencing them. It didn’t seem to matter; dream or no, she was trapped in there; her mind remaking the source of all her fear in vivid and excruciating detail. She knew that rest was important to recovery; that her anxiety would only worsen if she didn’t sleep enough. And yet she avoided going to bed because of the dreams she knew would come, as her subconscious tried to reconcile itself to what had happened to her.
She lay back against her pillows, suddenly shivering as the adrenaline surged through her, and the cool night air chilled her clammy skin. There was no point in trying to go back to sleep now; she was too keyed up; fight or flight instinct had taken over her body. But she had some techniques to deal with this now, she reminded herself. She’d talked at length with Melanie about various coping mechanisms; ways to reduce her anxiety, and to process her trauma.
I am safe, she began her mantra.
No one is going to hurt me. I am in my home, and I am safe.
No one is coming through the door. No one is coming to get me.
I am scared, but this moment will pass. I am not in danger. I will be ok.
She closed her eyes as she whispered the words quietly to herself, focusing on slowing her heart rate, on taking slow, deep breaths.
After a few minutes she felt calmer, but still far too wired and anxious to sleep again. She reached for the journal on her nightstand in which she had begun recording her dreams; how they made her feel; what was frightening about them; what she still feared.
Perhaps a soothing cup of tea would still her nerves; allow her to sleep again tonight. She climbed out of bed, journal in hand, and padded downstairs to the kitchen, rubbing her eyes sleepily. She was exhausted. She hadn’t slept properly in… well, over a week. Not since before she was taken in fact. As soon as the threats against Jane had begun, she’d given up on rest, pouring all of her energy and focus into ensuring Jane was safe. And since she’d returned home following her abduction, sleep had been fleeting and never restful.
She set the kettle to boil and sat down with her journal, ready to begin the unpleasant task of pulling back into consciousness the details of the dream so she could analyse her fears in the cold light of day--or midnight as was the case here--and get some much-needed perspective.
She was just opening her journal to begin writing when she heard the sound- the telltale creaking just meters away; somewhere closeby; in her living room.
She wasn’t alone.
The realization hit her like a tonne of bricks and made her knees weak and her stomach churn.
No, surely this was just a product of her sleep-deprived imagination. Her brain overreacting to ordinary stimuli; the house settling; a pipe heating; the floorboards contracting in the changing temperature. Catastrophizing; that’s what Melanie called it. The mind would spin out a scenario, tell itself a story based on the loosest of facts, imagining an entire hypothetical as a foregone conclusion when there was nothing at all to suggest that this would be the case.
She steeled herself and then stood carefully, determined to confront her fears and prove to herself that this was just her traumatized mind reacting in a completely understandable but unnecessary way to what had happened to her. She crept into the living room, unconsciously raising the journal she still clutched in her hand as if she could use it as some kind of weapon.
There was someone there, she realized with a jolt of fear; it wasn’t her mind playing tricks.
She couldn’t take the suspense any more, quickly turning on the light so as to know at least what awful predator she might be dealing with.
Jane.
The sight of her dearest friend sprawled out on the sofa filled her immediately with relief. No one was here to get her; she wasn’t in danger. The only person in her house right now was someone who loved her; someone who she trusted above all others. Then abruptly her relief was replaced with supreme irritation. What the hell was Jane doing here? She’d damn-near given Maura a heart attack; didn’t she know better than to go sneaking around in the home of someone who had recently lived through a traumatic experience? And what was she doing sleeping on the couch like this? Creeping into the house in the middle of the night?
“Jane!” she snapped loudly.
“Whatisitwhatswrong??” Jane blurted out, sitting bolt upright.
“What’s wrong? What are you doing here?”
“Ummmm-- I was-- I was just stopping by,” Jane mumbled lamely, avoiding Maura’s gaze as she sat up on the sofa, her heart slowly returning to its normal rate after that unexpected wakeup call.
“You’re watching us.”
“No!”
“How long have you been sneaking in?”
“It’s not sneaking- I have a key,” Jane mumbled guiltily. She knew she had been caught out; it was pointless to defend herself, so she went with sarcasm and snark instead.
“I understand the nervousness but this,” Maura gestured to the bundle of blankets in which Jane had been nesting, “is not a solution.”
“It’s just until we catch him, Maura.”
Maura sighed deeply as she sat down next to Jane, trying to quell her irritation. She was trying so hard not to let this person get to her; not to allow her fear to rule her life. She was reading all the right books, and doing plenty of yoga and meditation, and seeing Melanie three times a week. She was determined not to let this beat her. And then Jane showed up in the middle of the night to remind her of how much she had to be afraid of, and how afraid Jane was. There was nothing more terrifying to Maura than seeing Jane scared. Jane was a rock, always. She went into cop-mode and took control and got the job done. She didn’t skulk around, furtively checking windows and doors, worrying uselessly. Maura understood the impulse; the anxiety, the compulsions. Jane had been thoroughly traumatized by this person too; first losing her home and all her possessions, then fearing for her own life, then her mother’s, and finally her best friend’s. But Jane would never admit to feeling out of control, especially not now. Once, when Hoyt had been hunting her all those years ago, she had shown up at Maura’s house in the middle of the night, and she had admitted that she’d never been so scared in all her life. But now she had just drawn into herself, putting up protective walls, shutting Maura out. It hurt more than Maura was willing to admit.
“You need to talk to someone,” Maura said firmly. “Melanie has been very helpful; she’s given me a lot of tools to help me cope with having been abducted. Every time I feel anxious or scared I just write it in my journal. It’s a way of voiding the onset of PTSD.”
“So what are you doing up in the middle of the night?” Jane quirked an eyebrow at her, shooting down her solution with a look.
Maura sighed, frustrated at how Jane could demolish all her good intentions and progress with one little remark. “It’s a process.”
“Well, I’ll see how your therapy goes and then maybe I’ll consider talking to somebody.”
Maura sighed again, deciding to drop it. It was too late and she was too tired to get into a fight with Jane, who was stubborn and contrary at the best of times, but certainly when she felt threatened. Besides, she didn’t want Jane picking any more holes in her attempts to get herself back to control and normality. Therapy might not be Jane’s thing, but it was important to Maura.
She got up and headed back to the kitchen for her tea.
“You don’t need to sleep on the sofa, you can stay in the guest room,” she called over her shoulder as she headed back upstairs, not looking at Jane again. “I’ll see you in the morning.”
Jane watched her retreating form, bewildered at Maura’s abrupt change in tone, and then kicking herself for having not been more sensitive. She flopped back on the sofa and pulled the blanket over her head despondently. Upstairs, Maura lay awake, staring at the ceiling and taking deep breaths to stop the tears from spilling down her cheeks.
The crime scene was eerily reminiscent of her own; an abandoned building, grubby and grimy, evidence of a person having been tied up. The only difference was the body of a woman, lying on the floor. But there was no body at her crime scene, Maura reminded herself; she’d escaped- got free and fled. Still, it could have gone very differently, if she hadn’t been able to avoid the chloroform, or find a weapon, or if Jane had got there a few minutes later. Perhaps then the scene at the abandoned hospital would have looked a lot more like this one. As she crouched over the body of the murder victim, she couldn’t help but stare fixedly at the strip of fabric left abandoned on the floor that had clearly been used to tie someone up. The memory of the feeling of helplessness and fear suddenly welled up in her, bubbling up in her chest until her vision swam and she wasn’t sure any more that she wasn’t really there- back in the abandoned hospital again, unable to get out.
“Maur- dyou see any abrasions on her wrists?” Jane’s voice cut through the thick haze in her head.
Maura wrenched her mind back to the present, to the body she was supposed to be examining. A quick look at the woman’s wrists confirmed that the murder victim had never been held against her will like Maura had; she’d met her untimely end for some other reason.
“No-” she managed to get out. “No I don’t see any rope burns or other abrasions on the skin.”
Jane had picked up on her distracted response; it was impossible to hide anything from the detective. Still, Maura tried. Even as Jane tried to give her an out, suggest they bring in Kent to process the scene, Maura was already rushing to reassure her that she was fine. She had to be; she was the medical examiner; was she going to pass the buck whenever a crime scene involved an abandoned building or an abduction? That would mean sitting out on half their cases. No- she was determined to face things head-on; not to allow herself to establish a pattern of avoidance that would be hard to break. And the flashbacks really weren’t that bad, she told herself. They were just unexpected, and therefore impossible to prepare for. Just a few minutes ago she had been joking with Jane about Korsak’s imminent engagement, and then suddenly she was viscerally thrust into the memory of a trauma that was still too fresh and too raw to keep at bay.
The most important thing to her in this moment was to keep going; to ignore the look Jane shot Korsak, to pretend she was fine, and to do her job. Jane was already worried and distracted enough as it is, without Maura adding to things by falling apart at a crime scene. Maura had noticed, as they’d made their way into the building minutes ago, the way Jane kept rubbing the palms of her hands and flexing her fingers into fists the way she always did when her scars were bothering her. Sometimes it just meant a change in the weather, but Maura suspected the involuntary movements were more likely a reflection of Jane’s state of mind. They’d been talking about Korsak’s impending engagement, and Jane had been fretting about her old partner settling down and leaving the force. He’s always been there for me, she’d said, as she rubbed at the scars given to her by the man who’d broken up her partnership with Korsak. Her partner had saved her life; showed up just in time to stop Hoyt, on two separate occasions, but Jane had never been able to move past the fact that he’d seen her at her weakest and most vulnerable. Vince had always had her back, and now she feared he was leaving, right when she most needed someone to look out for her.
Whoever had taken Maura was still out there, plotting his next move. And Jane was scared. It was nerve wracking to see her friend so worried; Jane was always so unflappable, so determined and driven; like a force of nature. Now she seemed like leaf being tossed about on the breeze; at the mercy of the elements. She rubbed her hands and chewed on her lip and was constantly distracted. Maura had the feeling that whenever she spoke to Jane now, her friend was only half there. The rest of her mind was always somewhere else, dwelling on things she wouldn’t or couldn’t share with Maura.
To fight the feelings of loneliness and lack of control, Maura tried to encourage Jane to focus on moving forward, the way Maura herself was trying to. She tried to encourage Jane to think about finding a new place; she was still sleeping in that glorified closet at Frankie’s. Despite Jane’s protests that her future living situation had to be a safe distance from her mother, Maura’s discovery that Jane had been sneaking into her house in the middle of the night to sleep on the sofa suggested that such proximity wasn’t actually such a problem. Jane hadn’t expressed concern directly to Maura that her life could still be in danger, but that was clearly her thinking when she had started sneaking in to conduct her midnight vigil. Perhaps she just hadn’t wanted to worry Maura; it was one of many ways in which Maura was aware of Jane’s concern, even if she wouldn’t talk about it.
Jane wouldn’t really talk about anything at the moment, though Maura was sure she was internalizing a lot of the blame for what was happening to her, and worrying about it happening again. She didn’t want to move to a new place in case that was burned down too- or in case the neighbours found out. And she wasn’t enthused about the townhouse sublet that Maura told her about, despite her assurances that her professor friend was well aware of the risks he was undertaking by renting to Jane. She understood why Jane was having a hard time moving forward; it’s hard to take positive steps when the person who’s trying to make your life miserable is still out there, waiting to make his next move. But for Maura, inaction just wasn’t an option. Jane seemed to be shutting down, closing in on herself and reverting to a holding pattern until she could resolve this. But Maura couldn’t stop moving- if she did, she’d be shut up in that abandoned hospital forever, trapped in her nightmares. The only way for her to get out, was to keep moving. To go to work every day, to write her anxieties in her journal; to keep going to her sessions with Melanie. Whatever it takes to keep going forward, til it felt like she had some control over her life again.
“Pretty solid walls,” Jane noted to Frankie as they scanned the blood-soaked room adjacent to the one where they’d found the body. “Somebody could scream in here for hours and no one’d hear them.”
She gnawed on her lower lip, the half-finished thought hanging in the air. Everything about this crime scene made her think of what could have been; what she just narrowly avoided with Maura. Maura was held in a place very much like this; could have screamed for days and no one would have heard her. She was careful to make these little observations only in front of Frankie or Korsak, not in front of Maura. She knew Maura was already thinking it; she’d caught the faraway look on the medical examiner’s face when she’d asked about abrasions on the body and whether the woman could have been tied up. She knew that haunted look; knew what Maura was reliving. She’d had enough of her own horrific abduction experiences to remember what it was like to be at a crime scene and to see or smell or touch something that would suddenly send the memory of Hoyt slamming into her brain.
She hated that Maura was having to fight against those same flashbacks now. All because she’d screwed up and allowed Maura to be taken.
And now she might have to deal with all this shit without her oldest friend; her partner, the man she’d thought would always have her back. She’d been excited for Korsak initially, after her snooping mother had produced the engagement ring he’d had stashed in his desk. But that elation had quickly dissolved into misgivings. What if they hadn’t found this guy before Korsak and Kiki got married? Or what if they did, and then the next crazy asshole came along to fixate on Jane as his greatest nemesis? She had no doubt that Korsak would retire; why wouldn’t he? He was getting close to that age, and he had already lost three marriages to the job; she didn’t think he was likely to risk Kiki too. And it was a risk; it was always a risk. It was an impossible ask of a loved one, to want you to do this kind of work.
She remembered saying to Maura years ago that the kind of man she could love wouldn’t want her doing this job, and she loved this job. She’d chosen her career over Casey, even. And she couldn’t help but feel she’d chosen it over her family as well. Her job had put her mother in danger; had put Maura in danger. Was it worth it? She didn’t believe Korsak thought so; not this time; not with Kiki. He would retire and then she would be all on her own. At least you’ll have me, Maura had said. And Jane had smiled and responded that she wouldn’t be carrying a gun, even if she was fantastic with a scalpel, all the while thinking that Maura was the last person in the world she’d want to drag into the kind of situations she tackled with Korsak. It was one thing to risk herself; it was another entirely to risk Maura.
Even the regular crime scenes like today’s seemed to Jane like too much to expect of Maura. She’d tried to suggest her friend take some more time off, offered her every opportunity to bring in Kent to deal with this kind of work, but Maura refused. She was determined not to let her experiences define her, but it broke Jane’s heart to see her struggling through a panic attack, trying to regain control.
As much as Jane tried to protect Maura from the job, Maura kept coming back. And she never suggested that Jane take some time off, even as she kept pushing her to talk to Melanie. He’ll make a mistake, and you’ll catch him, Maura had reassured her, her faith in Jane always unwavering.
It was hard to believe it though, when Korsak was keeping her at arm’s length. She understood that she couldn’t lead the investigation on her own case, but she was going stir-crazy with not knowing. She knew Nina was chasing down leads on the hacker who had shut down her bank accounts, and they were closing in on a suspect. But being shut out of the investigation made her feel almost as helpless as the attacks themselves.
She avoided talking about the case with Maura when possible, but it was clear that Maura’s determination to be fine also meant that her desire was as strong as Jane’s to be involved in catching the guy who was targeting them. It was strange, the way they talked about the latest developments, as if the person responsible for hacking Jane’s accounts wasn’t also the person responsible for abducting Maura. But, to the extent they’d talked about Maura’s abduction at all, they talked about it as if it was completely separate from what was happening to Jane. It was the only way they could deal with it, Jane supposed. It was a way for Maura to stay current and involved in their progress to track down the man who was torturing Jane, without her having to constantly face what was done to her. And for Jane; well, she hadn’t quite figured out how to deal with what had happened to Maura, and her role in it. And the fact that, so long as this guy was still out there, he could come for Maura again. She could vent her frustrations with Korsak’s refusal to share intel with her about the hacker, and she could understand that he was only keeping her at arm’s length to ensure that the defense wouldn’t tear apart their case when they finally caught the guy and took the case to trial. But as soon as she started to think about this same guy doing what he’d done to Maura… Jane’s patience with being held at bay by her colleagues wore thin very quickly.
Maura hadn’t intended to confide in Angela about how much she was struggling. She hadn’t intended to confide in anyone; it wasn’t really her way. It hadn’t been since she was a child; she was so used to dealing with problems on her own and pretending to be fine so as not to bother her parents. But the “I’m fine” routine wasn’t working on Angela, and the woman was never one to be easily fobbed off with excuses. That was the Rizzolis through and through- they wouldn’t let you get away with anything. They would talk and yell and fight and cry and cajole and stamp their feet and hug; it was so messy and raw and wonderful. Before she’d been sucked into that family, she had no idea how much she needed connection like that.
She still didn’t have that kind of relationship with her mother. Constance had visited after her abduction to make sure she was alright, but Maura was aware that she wouldn’t really know how to deal with the fact that she wasn’t, so they both went along with the fiction of Maura being fine. Hope had been in touch a few times as well, but Maura just didn’t feel able to open up to her birth mother that way; they hadn’t known each other long enough, she supposed. Usually she’d talk to Jane, but that was out of the question in this case. Jane was already worried enough; she didn’t want to be a burden. So without her best friend to talk to, perhaps it was natural that she had begun confiding in Angela.
“Please don’t say anything to Jane,” she’d sighed, wrapping her arms around herself protectively as she decided to take a risk and open up to Angela. “I don’t want her worrying about me.”
“Like you could ever stop her,” Angela had replied knowingly as Maura looked away, unable to meet her gaze. “But I understand.”
“I just don’t want to be a burden,” she hurried to explain.
“You know you could never be a burden to her.” Angela spoke with sure self-assurance that Maura almost believed it.
“Is she alright?” Maura ventured. “I mean, I know she’s not, but she’s… she’s not talking to me, so I don’t really know…”
“She’s not talking to me either,” Angela sighed. “This is what she does. Jane’s never been good at dealing with emotion. Even when she was a little girl and I would go to hug her she’d always squirm away. She’s never been good at expressing herself, or dealing with strong feelings.” She paused thoughtfully. “Except with you. I always thought you had a good influence on her. You seem to ground her, allow her to open up in a way she’s always found difficult.”
“Well, not any more,” Maura smiled ruefully.
“You’re both cutting each other out,” Angela chastised. “You’re both so concerned with protecting each other from your feelings, you can’t see how much you both need each other.”
Maura looked away, pretending to consider her notes on PTSD. Angela was pointing to the elephant in the room; the thing she’d been avoiding acknowledging since she’d been taken. That she’d avoided for years before that; since Hoyt, the killer famed for torturing and murdering couples, had chosen to attack Jane through her. And now the same seemed to be happening again; someone had figured out that the best way to get to Jane was through Maura. And the both of them had been carefully avoiding addressing that fact for weeks. She knew their relationship wasn’t like that of most friends, and Angela seemed clear on that too, judging by the way she was hinting. But that wasn’t something that she or Jane had ever acknowledged or attempted to interrogate, and this seemed like the absolute worst time to do so. But not talking seemed to widen the gulf between them, til she worried that they might never move past this and get back to who they were, whatever that was.
Korsak was going to get married, and he was probably going to retire in the not-too-distant future. These were facts that Jane would just have to accept. She’d never found change easy; she was a creature of habit. She didn’t go on exotic vacations or seek out new foods or daydream about all the ways her life could have been different. She still lived within ten minutes of the house she’d grown up in. She still saw her mother and brother every day. She still watched every Red Sox game, played basketball on the weekends, drank the same drank of beer she always had. She loved her job, and she loved her city, and she loved her friends. These were the constants in her life and truthfully, she never desired anything else. When Casey had asked her to marry him, for a minute she really thought she could go through with it. But looking back now it was so obvious it was a lost cause. Leave her job and her friends and family and the city she loved, to live on an army base a thousand miles away and be a housewife? She wouldn’t have lasted ten minutes.
And yet, things change. So much was out of her control.
“Where do you see yourself in ten years?” Korsak had asked as they sat in the car, staking out the building where their perp was hiding out.
Where did she see herself? She had no idea. “Maura said that she would move to Maine and write mystery novels,” she finally responded.
“I wasn’t asking about Maura, I was asking about you.” She didn’t like the knowing look Korsak was giving her. Fair enough, he hadn’t mentioned Maura, but she knew what Maura’s hopes and dreams were, whereas her own were so much more difficult to articulate.
“I don’t know- probably right here, doing the same things. Just with a different partner.”
“What about family?”
She smiled ruefully, thinking of Casey and her miscarriage. “I couldn’t give up being a cop, and I never figured out how to have both, so.”
“Job takes a toll,” her old partner agreed.
“But I wouldn’t change a thing.”
And yet… things would change, whether she liked it or not. And now she’d brought up Maura’s plans for the future, and Korsak’s retirement loomed, she started to really try and visualize herself in ten years. Without Korsak, without Maura… Would she really go to Maine and write novels? Realistically, Maura was probably headhunted on a weekly basis; there were so many opportunities out there, and Maura didn’t shy away from exploring the unknown the way Jane did. The next big step in Maura’s career could present itself any day, and unlike Jane’s hope to climb the Boston PD ladder, there were no guarantees that Maura’s ambitions would see her staying in the city.
The thought was unspeakably depressing, and was only compounded by how awkward with each other Jane and Maura had been in the last weeks. She suddenly felt so guilty for having allowed this gulf to open up between them; for not having shown more emotional maturity towards their situation. She had been worried sick and wracked with guilt, and somehow she’d managed to put that on Maura by pushing her away instead of keeping her close when they both most needed it.
She was dialing Maura’s number before she’d even really thought about it, leaving Korsak in the car and sitting on the steps of a nearby building. Maura had been sick and feverish this morning- Jane should have checked in on her before now. How had she allowed herself to fall into such bad habits? To let her worry over her stalker impact her relationship with Maura so badly.
A warm smile spread across her face as Maura’s chipper voice answered the phone.
“Howr you feeling this morning?” Jane asked.
“Except for a crazy dream this morning I am back to my old self.”
“Well that’s good news.” She wondered how Kent’s Bedouin remedy had worked out, ignoring a twinge of jealousy at the friendship he and Maura seemed to have struck up.
“So howr you holding up out there?”
“Oh, ok I guess. Korsak and I were talking about him retiring and it just got me thinking. You think your life’s never gonna change and then one day it just does.”
“That’s the nature of things,” Maura replied, frustratingly nonplussed as always. How could she just take all this in her stride while Jane was worrying about losing everything that meant anything to her?
“Yeah,” she forged ahead. “And then I realized that one day you’re gonna tell me that you’re gonna move to some podunk town in Maine and write novels.”
She was willing Maura to contradict her; to laugh at the fantasy. But instead she replied, “Well I hope I get to tell you that one day.”
Jane’s heart sank. “Well, I’ll miss you.”
It was the most honest thing she’d managed to say to Maura in weeks, after guarding her emotions so carefully, keeping Maura at arm’s length, focusing on being objective. She almost felt like Maura was already gone.
“No you won’t,” came the firm response. “You won’t have a chance because I’m either taking you with me, or you’re going to visit all the time.”
She was grinning again in a second. Could it really be possible that Maura wouldn’t just outgrow this place and leave her, as so many people had before? People always seemed to be leaving; her father, Gabriel Dean, Casey, now Korsak. People always had other things to do, places to be, careers to advance in other cities. But here was Maura, promising that whatever changes came, wherever she went, of course Jane would be with her. Like it was just a given.
“Ok, but can you make sure you get a basketball court?” Jane teased.
Warmth grew in her stomach as Maura laughed in response, and she hung up the phone feeling better than she had in weeks. She knew Maura was joking, but she also wasn’t; suddenly she was filled with the conviction that yes, they would be in each others’ future. And suddenly that was the only thing she really cared about. She’d never formulated this thought so clearly before. But the dream appeared before her quickly and clearly; she and Maura living in Maine, in an old house in the middle of nowhere, Maura writing mystery novels while Jane chopped wood and maybe went hunting and critiqued Maura’s characterization of the feisty detective who would be the heroine of her stories. She shook her head ruefully, shaking off the self-indulgent fantasy as ridiculous. But she was still grinning when she got back in the car with Korsak to resume their stakeout, the weight that she had been carrying on her shoulders suddenly lifted.