Surrender

 Chapter 6

Angie never does find out what it was that had Sasha distressed that day she had witnessed her with Idara and Jan, wiping off tears. What the situation succeeded in doing, however, was make her feel bad enough about her treatment of Sasha that she has made more of an effort to engage the other on set.

By the third episode, she had felt compelled - and comfortable - enough to bring up the topic of their unfinished talk and of perhaps finishing it over coffee. Sasha had agreed almost immediately, her smile a little too eager for Angie’s already tenuous hold on her own emotions.

They find themselves at a small, quiet cafe with barely any other customers, seated across from each other. As has been the default lately, the air is heavy with nerves and awkwardness. After a minute or two of forced small talk, Sasha takes it upon herself to bring up the elephant in the room

“I’m sorry, Angie,” she begins, bravely looking directly at the other woman. “I’m sorry I messed up our friendship which meant...means the world to me.”

Angie’s jaw visibly tightens, tension immediately evident.

“Why?”

The question leaves Sasha a bit ruffled.

“Why did I mess it up?” she clarifies.

“No,” Angie’s head drops, obviously hesitating. She raises her head, returns Sasha’s anxious but unwavering gaze. “Why did you kiss me?”

Sasha’s cheeks redden promptly, now thoroughly flustered. “I...uh...I don’t know. I don’t really know...I was…”

“Experimenting?” Angie interrupts, more than a tad harshly. “Were you just bored?”

“No! No, of course not.” Sasha shoots her a disbelieving you-know-me-better-than-that look. Angie looks sufficiently chastened.

“Then why?” she presses, hating that she sounds whiny.

Sasha’s intake of breath lasts a bit longer this time. “Look, it was a very emotional time. We were both very emotional. You were...you were so upset, Angie. And I just...wanted to comfort you and I felt like I wasn’t doing a very good job of it. And then…” she halts, needing to catch her breath and drop her head, no longer able to hold Angie’s gaze as memories of that moment come flooding. She feels the burning heat on her cheeks. Forcing herself to look up, she’s surprised to find Angie looking down herself, pink coloring her cheeks. Seeing Angie’s discomfort somehow emboldens her. “And then I kissed you,” she pauses, waiting for Angie to meet her gaze. She doesn’t. “I kissed you and…” Angie continues to stare at her cup.  “And you kissed me back.”

At this, Angie’s head shoots up, meeting Sasha’s gaze, ready to object. What she sees in Sasha’s eyes stop her though. She sees fear in the blonde’s eyes. Fear of what? Of her denying that she had indeed kissed her back? It takes the wind out of her sails.

“I did, didn’t I?” she acknowledges finally.

Sasha looks shocked by the admission.

“Why?” she says the first thing that comes to mind.

“Why what?”

“Why did you kiss me back?”

Angie just stares at her for a good minute, her gaze intense. Sasha almost takes her question back.

“Because I wanted to.” Straightforward. No beating around the bush, her response exactly who she is, Sasha couldn’t help but think in the midst of her seemingly endless reactions of shock. “Now why did you kiss me? It’s obviously not because you just w anted to because then you would’ve just said that from the beginning. Like I did. So why?”

Flustered once again, it takes Sasha a while to reply. “You don’t think I actually wanted to?”

Angie only shrugs.

“I wanted to.”  Sasha takes yet another long intake of breath  “I had been wanting to.”

It’s Angie’s turn for that long inhale.

“For fuck’s sake, don’t play around, Sasha,” she says in a whisper, her inability to look Sasha in the eye contrasting her harsh words. “Don’t say things you don’t mean just...just for the sake of fucking saying it.”

Sasha lowers head, pushes her face closer to Angie’s, wanting to catch the brunette’s gaze. “But I did, Angie!” She moves as if to touch Angie’s hand but pulls back. “I did want to. I...I don’t know why I wanted to but I did. Or maybe...maybe I do...did know. I just wasn’t ready to deal with it.” She sits back, suddenly feeling tired and confused.

“Because you have a husband.”

“And kids.”

“Of course.”

They are as far apart as the backs of their chairs would allow, both all of a sudden overcome by weariness. This was long overdue, this laying out of cards on the table.

“Mostly because of the kids. Ed, too, of course. But...but in a weird way I was thinking more of the kids because if I really thought about why I wanted to kiss you then that...that would force me to think about my marriage and if I did...then I would...I was afraid I would do something that would hurt our marriage and…” Her voice trails off, seemingly afraid to even say the next words.

“...and hurt the kids,” Angie finishes for her, now looking up, gaze back on Sasha.

“Yes.”

They stare at each other, at a loss for where to go next.  It’s taken them a while to get to this point and now that they’re at it, they both feel like this is the end of the road.

They continue to stare at each other, gazes both thoughtful and distracted. Finally, Angie shakes her head, the beginnings of a smile, a rueful one, showing.

“I hate that you make so much sense and yet I’m still at a loss.”

“Sorry?”

Angie holds a hand up, tilts her head, eyes never leaving Sasha’s face. “Let me...let me process everything you said. I get that you’d never want to hurt your children. You know I do. But, for you to be afraid of hurting your...marriage and the kids...that would mean that…” she trails off, clearly hesitant to put her next words out, “that the kiss meant something.”

Sasha’s calmly holds her gaze, a small smile tilting the corners of her mouth.

“It did.”

“Fuck.”  

This earns a scowl from Sasha who leans in again to rest her forearms on the table.

“Did you not want it to?”

“Yes!” Angie’s reply comes quickly. “No!” So does her retraction. She slumps back in her seat. “I don’t know!”

Sasha doesn’t speak, her deepening scowl communicating her feelings well enough.

After a minute of silence as Sasha regards Angie’s bowed head with an unhappy, somewhat disappointed look, she decides to speak up. Her voice when she does, is firm, aloof. “I guess just because you say you wanted to return the kiss does not mean it meant anything so...if you didn’t...don’t want it to mean anything, things can be so much simpler. Let’s just charge it to experience.” Sasha pauses before adding, “To boredom. Experimentation.”

“That’s not what I’m saying,” Angie says quietly

“That’s what you’re wanting.”

“Of course, that’s what I want. I don’t want it to mean anything.”

Sasha hates that she feels as much hurt as she does.

“Then it doesn’t. End of discussion.”

Angie leans in, Sasha sits back, now unable to handle having Angie too close.

“Sash, that’s  what I would want...but it’s not what reality it. Reality is…” she lays a palm out on the table, “it did. Or i wouldn’t have been so scared. Terrified actually. This is why I didn’t want to talk about it. It was easier to just be mad at you and then try to forget it happened.”

Sasha pushes herself forward, the hand opposite Angie’s coming to rest on the table, too. They find themselves almost nose to nose.

“You didn’t think i was scared?”

“I don’t know. I didn’t think about it. I was too busy in my own head. Besides, you still have a husband, you still have a marriage, how much meaning could it have had, right?” Angie’s head drops.

“I don’t…”  

Have a husband. At least possibly not for long . Sasha almost blurts it out.

“You don’t what?”

Sasha scrambles to find her way out of the inadvertent spill.

“I don’t understand how you could think it didn’t mean anything to me.”

“How could I have thought otherwise?” Angie asks, voice laced with frustration. “It changed nothing for you! Husband...marriage. Me? I just freaking thought about it endlessly and I couldn’t fucking stand to see you or even be near you because I was reminded of it and how good it had felt.” The blurted admission startles her into an abrupt halt from her rant. “Jesus,” she mumbles under her breath.

Sasha brings her other hand out from under the table,  placing it on top of Angie’s tightly clenched fist.

“But it did. And I did, too.”

Angie rakes the fingers of her free hand through her hair., too scared to look up, knowing how close Sasha’s face is to hers.  “It what? You did what, too?

She feels Sasha’s hand squeeze hers before hearing her voice. “It did change things. And I did think about it endlessly, too.”

“How did it -”

“And every time I saw you, I was reminded of how amazing it had felt, too.”

“Jesus, Sasha you shouldn’t -”

“And it made me feel so fucking guilty then,” Sasha declares, voice breaking, unable to bite the expletive back. Her eyes glimmer with the beginning of tears.

Angie pulls her hand out from underneath Sasha’s, insinuating them back underneath the blonde’s - this time their palms connecting.

“Hey…as fucked up as it may sound, I’m actually glad to hear I wasn’t the only one affected.”

Sasha pulls back a bit, rests her free elbow on the table, her head on her hand as she once again locks eyes with the other woman.

“That’s why I’ve been wanting to talk to you, Angie. I wanted to talk about it. I had to talk about it and…” she squeezes Angie’s fingers, “you were the only choice I had.”

“Sorry.”

“And you never did want to talk but…”

Angie’s ringing phone interrupts. She holds her screen up to Sasha, displaying her screen that shows one of her daughters calling. Sasha motions for her to go ahead and take it.

She hears one side of the conversation and mentions of facetime and homework before Angie hangs up, instantly looking apologetic.

“Let me guess, she needs your help with homework so you need to facetime her?”

“Yup.”

“Kids first, right?” Sasha smiles, looking both grim and understanding.

“Kids first.”

“Go, I’ll take care of the check.”

“Let me give you -”

“Aaaangie.”

Angie raises both hands up in mock surrender.

“Ok, ok. Thanks.”

They both get up to say goodbye but before they can even hug, Angie’s phone rings again, forcing a quick hug and a quick goodbye on them.

“Let’s do this again,” Angie whispers into Sasha’s ear before picking up the call.

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The next time they get a chance to see each other again on set, Angie goes to see Sasha in her trailer with the goal of apologizing for their yet again interrupted talk.

She almost walks in without knocking, old habits and all that. Though they may be on better footing now, she feels they’re still not where they used to be.

She hears Sasha calling out for her to let herself in.

“Hey.” Angie finds Sasha on the makeup chair, looking like she needed not another bit of work from her makeup artist Linda. “Sorry, thought you wouldn’t be on makeup yet. Hey, Linda.”

Even Linda looks surprised to see Angie in her boss’ trailer, she hasn’t seen the brunette there in ages.

“Morning, Ang,” Sasha says, smiling widely and waving. Linda echoes her greeting.  “We started early, Linda has to pick her daughter up from LAX. I can do retouches until she gets back.”

“Oh, ok. Figures. Where’s your daughter flying in from? Didn’t she just start college?”

Sasha watches Angie talk to Linda like she was the most important person in the world. It’s one of the things she loves about her costar, that she treats everyone - be it cast or crew - with equal amounts of interest and regard.  Linda eventually has to run, leaving the other two by themselves.

“So…” Sasha starts, leaning against the vanity. “Not used to seeing you in here anymore,” she quips.

Angie laughs a little self-consciously. “Haven’t been here in a while. I guess you still wear those birks,” she teases back, raising an eyebrow at Sasha’s footwear. Sasha laughs loudly at this.

“They’re the best!” She quickly takes in Angie’s attire pausing at the Golden Goose sneakers they both love. She smiles again. “So, not that I’m complaining, ‘cause it’s actually great to see you here but...was there something you wanted?”

Angie pauses her own perusal of the blonde, hating that she had actually lingered on Sasha’s form-fitting tank. “Just wanted to say hi and apologize for our talk getting interrupted yet again.”

“No worries, kids always come first.”

They trade agreeing smiles.

“So anyway, since it ended abruptly, I was wondering…” Angie pauses, uncharacteristically nervous, “if you wanted to finish the conversation over...dinner maybe?”

“I’d like that.” Angie’s surprised, pleasantly so, that Sasha seemed like she didn’t even have to think.

“Great! How about...how about tonight? I was planning to broil pork chops and I was thinking maybe…”

“I can make the salad?”

“Yeah. you know…”

“Like we used to.”

They share a warm smile, both relieved that their friendship seems to be headed the right direction.

“Yeah, like we used to,” Angie echoes. “Wouldn’t mind you bringing the wine either.”

Sasha chuckles. “Of course.That sounds really good, Ang.”

“Ok. That’s all set then!” Angie bounces lightly, her characteristic boundless energy manifesting.  “Speaking of sets, I should be going. They’ll probably need me on set in a few.”

Angie again bounces on the balls of her feet for a beat, unsure of what to do. Sasha decides for her, pushing off the vanity and surprising the brunette with a hug. Angie quickly returns the hug, arms going around Sasha’s waist.

“I’ve missed your hugs. You were, and to this day, the best hugger I’ve ever met,” Sasha blurts, cringing when she realizes what had just come out of her mouth.

Angie doesn’t seem to mind the admission. She smiles and tightens her arms around a tiny waist.

“You’re not too bad yourself.”

The hug lasts longer than any they’ve shared lately. Sasha’s head moves towards Angie’s hair, close to her ear.

“Know my favorite part about your hugs?” she whispers.

“What?” Angie asks throatily, forcing the nervous lump in her throat away. She hears Sasha groan before feeling the blonde head fall on her shoulder.

“Never mind, it’s...it’s silly.”

“Hey,” she lightly pinches Sasha’s back, “We like silly, remember?”

She feels the vibration of a chuckle against her shoulder.

“We do.”

“So what is it?”

“It’s when…” Sasha hesitates, glad the other woman couldn’t see her now flushed face.

“Come on!” Angie prods her, pulling back slightly.

“It’s when you would hug me and then…” embarrassment results in further hesitation. “Agh. And then nuzzle your face against my neck. I like that you’re down to my height and I’m not having to go on tiptoes and I...I feel like I could just wrap myself around you for once,” she finishes in a rush, getting the words out before shame pushes them back down.

“Oh,” is all Angie could come up with. They’re both quiet, one silenced by a ridiculous amount of embarrassment, the other by indecision about what she’s about to do.

Finally, Sasha feels Angie move back a tad before hesitantly shifting to lower herself and do as Sasha had detailed just moments ago, nuzzling her face against the smooth expanse of skin. She doesn’t have to wait long before she feels arms tighten around and squeeze her shoulders.

They may not be aware of it, but they currently share the same feeling of overwhelming relief and contentment, locked in their extended embrace.

Neither knows how much longer they would have stayed where they were had it not been for the knock on Sasha’s door by one of the crew looking for Angie.

They pull away, both hesitant and shy.

“See you tonight?” Angie asks, summoning the courage to look up.

Sasha’s smile reassures her, calms her.

“Can’t wait.”

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It’s close to the end of shoot when Angie happens to look up and find Edoardo talking to Jan, obviously asking for Sasha when Jan gestures toward her trailer.

As much as she hates herself for feeling so, Angie couldn’t help but acknowledge the quick pause in her pulse and the pang of pain that came with seeing Sasha’s husband. She waves a greeting in response to Edoardo’s own wave, watching the man walk toward and then enter Sasha’s trailer.

As occupied as she is with the scene she’s in, Angie couldn’t help but notice the amount of time that’s passed since Edoardo’s arrival. Neither could she help the relief she feels when she finally sees him leaving almost an hour later.

She figures, completely clueless to the couple’s situation, that his visit may have something to do with their dinner later, probably something to do with their kids and what he’d need to do in Sasha’s absence.

Only when she sees Sasha approaching as she sits waiting for the next take does she feel a bit of nerves and a sense of dread.

“Hey,” she says first once Sasha gets close.

“Hey,” Sasha replies, obviously anxious. “Angie, I hate to do this but  can we -”

“Cancel the dinner?” Angie interrupts, feeling an inexplicable need to hide her disappointment and to protect herself.

“No, no,” Sasha replies quickly, chipping a piece off of Angie’s disappointment, replacing it with hope. “Not cancel, I was hoping we could...reschedule?”

Angie’s sharp intake of breath is the only outward clue to her well-disguised disappointment. “Sure, I mean yeah...sure.”

“I’m so sorry but Ed-”

“Hey, it’s ok. There’s always another time, right?” Angie interrupts quickly, brushing Sasha’s apology off before she could even fully express it.

Sasha wants to apologize further but with Angie looking entirely unaffected and not sharing the disappointment she feels, Sasha decides to let the rest of her apology go.

“Yeah, of course. I was thinking maybe tomor-”

“Hey, there’s plenty of time to take a raincheck. Let’s talk about it another time, Sash. Gotta get back to work.”  Angie gets up, pauses in front of Sasha.

She watches the hurt flash over the other woman’s features, quickly camouflaged. She wonders if she’s being too insensitive, not even hearing out her apology and explanation.  Maybe she shares the same amount of disappointment she feels. Before she could think further about what to do, she’s called over to set.

At a loss, she shoots what she hopes is a warm-enough smile at Sasha.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, Sash. Bye!” And before she could talk herself out of it, quickly kisses the other woman’s cheek and then literally runs back to set.

Behind her, she leaves a thoroughly befuddled Sasha’s gaze trailing after her.