Surrender

Chapter 4

“Just don’t expect me to believe you.”

“Sasha, it’s...I don’t hate you,” Angie pauses as if waiting for the blonde to interrupt again. “It’s...it’s hard to explain but it hasn’t been easy for me either. Can we just...if I promise you I will try to act better around you. If I promise one of these days, we’ll sit down and talk, would you at least think about changing your decision?”

Only silence greets Angie’s offer of a truce.

“You don’t have to answer right now, I know it’s not a good time and you would want to -”

“Ok. I’ll think about it.”

“- think about...wait, did you say ok?”

“Yes, I’ll think about it...Angie.” Even saying her name does not come easy anymore for Sasha. “And I’m sorry for going off on you like that. It’s just been confusing and frustrating and...sad, what we’ve come to. And I blame myself for it, believe me, I do. And I’m sorry for...for...ki-”

“Let’s not talk about that now, Sash,” the brunette interrupts, not ready to take a walk back down memory lane to where their conflict started.

“Ok, agreed,” Sasha readily gives in, irrationally pleased by the other woman calling her by her protracted name, a small thing but one she’s missed among a host of other small things. “I...I’d really like to talk to you again, Ang.”

“Sure. Maybe at a more human-friendly time next time, huh?” Angie jokes, knowing their situation is not fully resolved yet relieved they have taken a first step toward it. Hearing Sasha’s sweet, quiet laugh makes her smile.

“Yeah, maybe...lunch or dinner when you get back to L.A.?”

“Sounds good. But hey, do you think...uh, I know it’s late but if you’re not sleepy...maybe uh, we can chat a bit more if that’s -”

“Ugh, the lights in the kitchen just turned on. I think Ed might be looking for me,” Sasha cuts Angie’s stuttering offer off, sounding regretful and a tad frustrated. “I’m so sorry Angie, I’m gonna have to go in, the kids might have wok - “

“Hey, don’t worry about it. I’m tired anyway, go back inside.”

Sasha doesn’t miss the change in Angie’s tone, reverting back to the Angie of late, cold and detached. She sighs in both frustration and confusion. “I really would like that lunch or dinner to happen.”

“Yeah, sure. We’ll figure it out another time.”

“Ok. Good night, Angie,” Sasha calls out softly.

“Night,” is all she hears from the other end before a click.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two weeks later, Sasha finds herself back in Jan’s office, their previous conversation resuming after a couple of weeks to think and be away from the show.

“You have good news for me, I hope?” Jan asks nervously after exchanging greetings with the blonde.

Sasha takes a deep breath but then smiles. “I’ve thought about it, Jan and...even talked to Angie.”

“You have? Wow. How did that go?”

“It was...awkward in the beginning, as you can probably imagine. But I think we’ve come to a truce of some sort, a stepping off point. Which is why...I’ve decided to stay and finish the show out.”

Jan springs out of her chair, running to give the blonde a hug. “You have no idea how happy and relieved I am, lady!”

“Oh, I think I do, Jan.” They share a laugh at that, Jan deciding to perch atop her desk instead of returning to her seat and gesturing for the blonde to take a seat on one of the chairs.

“I’m relieved for the show and happy for you, Sasha. So...how are you?”

“I’m...ok.”

Jan raises an eyebrow at the reply. “Just...ok?” she presses gently. “I mean, last time we talked, I gathered that you might actually...have...feelings for Angie? Was I wrong in thinking that?”

“Jan, I have a husband and kids…”

“I know that, Sash. But that wasn’t my question.”

“Even if I did, it would be wrong and I’m pretty sure it’s just me reacting to having lost her friendship after what I did. I mean...we were close, I considered her a good friend and when I lost that, I may have misinterpreted my feelings.”

“Sasha…” Jan pauses, treading carefully so as not to scare the woman who’s obviously confused and conflicted off. “I’m not trying to tell you how you feel. I’m just trying to tell you that...you feel what you feel. Denying your feelings won’t really help.” Watching the blonde continue to look lost, Jan decides to go a different route. “Anyway, how are the kids?”

“They’re great. They’re happy and, dare I say, very sane human beings. They just...they’re my joys,” Sasha replies with evident affection.

“You’re a wonderful mother, you shouldn’t be surprised at how well they’ve turned out. What about Edoardo?”

“Oh, he’s...he’s ok. Busy with his projects. He’s actually in Italy visiting his mom and meeting with directors and producers.”

Jan immediately senses a shift in the blonde’s mood. “Is he away a lot?”

“He’s...yeah, I guess you could say that. He’s wonderful with the kids though.”

“What about with you?”

“Oh,” Sasha reacts, surprised by the question. “He’s...we’re ok.”

“Are you really?”

Sasha sighs, looks down and away from Jan, unable to meet her gaze. “We’re...just like any other couple, we go through rough patches.”

“You can talk to me, Sasha. I may not know how it is to have a husband,” she pauses and they share a laugh at that, “but I do have experience with relationships.”

Again, the blonde actress sighs. “It’s just...I don’t really see him much anymore.”

“Why don’t you ask him to spend less time away from home then?”

“That’s just it, Jan.” Closing her eyes and bowing her head again, Sasha continues, barely audible. “I haven’t really been missing him when he’s away.”

“Oh.” Jan bites her lip to keep from spitting out the first thing that pops into her head. “Oooooh.”

Sasha finally looks up, rolling her eyes at the ineloquent reply. “This is where you tell me I’m not being a good wife, Jan.”

“No, this is where I tell you you can’t help how you feel, Sasha. And this is also where I tell you that if you feel that way, then the next step is to examine and figure out why you feel like that.”

“I know,” Sasha replies with yet another sigh. “I needed to hear that from someone though.”

“Sasha,” the blonde looks up, drawn by the somber tone, “are you still in love with your husband?”

The question causes the blonde to bring both hands to her face. Within moments, Jan hears quiet sniffling. “Oh, hey hey now, don’t cry. I’m sorry, sweetie. I didn’t mean to make you cry.” Jan jumps off the desk, crouching in front of Sasha and drawing her into a comforting hug.

“I…I...don’t...think...I...am,” the blonde manages to eke out between sniffles.