Chapter 4
For most, Monday morning ushered in another year of college.
For Clarke, it announced another year of stress and anxiety.
As Clarke wakes up, she turns off her alarm and slowly gets out of bed. By no means is Clarke a morning person, but she sees no point in laying around at the moment, so she gets out of bed and stretches her waking muscles.
The previous night she messaged Heda for another twenty minutes just to make sure that she was okay, before saying an early goodnight and deciding to try and get some sleep.
Surprisingly it was rather easy for her to fall asleep after that.
She made the decision for an early night after the suggestion to Heda that she consider working out in the mornings. It was something that she used to do herself to help with stress, and after making the suggestion, she decided that she wanted to start it up again.
Clarke prefers the early mornings because for one, there a rarely many other people at the gym, and two it’s a good way to help wake up and prepare one’s body for the day ahead.
That being the case, she quickly gets dressed in her gym clothes, grabs a drink bottle and pair of headphones off of her desk, then makes her way towards the door.
Being 5AM in the morning has the advantage of nobody else being up and about the house, so she doesn't have to deal with any interactions while exiting the house.
The house that her and her friends live in is only a ten minute walk from the college’s campus itself, and the gym is just on the edge of campus, so it only takes her around five minutes to get there at a light jog.
When she walks into the gym she finds more people then she expected to, but that’s probably just because it’s the first day of a new college year. Most of the people already there would stop showing up after a week or so, leaving room for the people more serious about working out.
It’s slightly frustrating for her to have to duck and squeeze through groups of people who are standing around the gym equipment. Why are they even there if they’re just socializing? That’s what the early morning cafes are for.
When she breaks through the crowd, she sees that the back half of the gym is still fairly packed as well, but it’s a lot quieter back there and more people are actually focusing on their work outs. There are a lot of people working out with weights of different kinds, but most of the people are doing cardio workouts on either the treadmills of the bikes.
Seeing as she jogged to the gym and she is planning to jog home, she figures that for the meantime she’ll ride one of the remaining unoccupied bikes, instead of taking one of the treadmills.
She searches for an unoccupied bike and see's a couple free on either side of a group of girls who are chatting away, she doesn't want to risk having to choose between socializing and coming across as rude so she searches in the other direction. Towards the end of the row of bikes, she sees a tanned brunette with headphones in who appears content to ignore the world with a free bike next to her.
Neither of the girls spare each other a glance as Clarke sets herself up on the bike and plugs in her headphones. After that she’s content to just forget about everything except her music and the bike for the next hour of her life.
After Clarke’s hour long workout at the gym. She made the quick jog home before having a quick shower and preparing for her first day back at college.
Now that she’s good to go for the day, she makes her way down the stairs towards the kitchen for a quick breakfast. When she walks through the door she sees both Octavia and Raven sitting around the table eating toast.
“Hi Raven.” She greets warmly and gives her friend a hug after not seeing her all summer.
Raven returns the embrace and smiles back up at her.
“Hey Griffin. Where’d you run off to this morning?”
“I just went to the gym. I decided last night that I wanted to get back into working out”
“Thanks for the invite.” Octavia glares at her playfully.
Clarke smiles before adopting a mock serious look.
“Sorry. Tomorrow I’ll wake you up at 5AM to come with me.”
Octavia swallows. Hard.
She’s not a morning person either.
“Umm, I think I’ll pass on that one. Thanks for the offer though...”
Clarke grins and fights back a chuckle while making her own toast.
She likes her friends when they’re like this. Just playful and relaxed. Not trying to force her into being someone that she isn’t.
“So how was space camp?” Clarke asks teasingly when she joins them at the table with her own breakfast.
“It was so great! I was nervous at first because I thought I’d just be making coffee and running errands. But from the first day I got there they had me working with one of their aerospace engineers. I basically helped him with everything he did over the summer and got a lot of great work experience.” Raven answered enthusiastically.
“That’s great, I’m happy for you.” Clarke replied with just as much enthusiasm.
“The fact that he was totally hot and very single was also a bonus!” Raven follows up with a cheeky wink to Octavia who laughs.
“I’m sure it did.”
After that, they eat the rest of their breakfasts and make small talk about their summers, that is until Octavia brings up something that makes Clarke hold in a sigh.
“I really wish you came last night Clarke. Raven even made it back early enough to join us.”
Letting out said sigh, Clarke’s smile becomes less genuine and more forces, but her friends don’t notice.
“Sorry,” She wasn't actually. “But as I said, it was a long train ride and I just wanted to crash and get a good night sleep.”
Octavia looks reluctant to accept it but eventually just sighs and picks up her plate.
“I just want you to come out with us more Clarke. Ever since you and Finn broke up, you've been so distant from us. We just want out best friend back.”
Clarke looks to Raven and notices the slightly guilty, slightly sheepish, look on her face.
She grits her teeth behind a thin smile. It took less than twenty four hours for her friends to be on her case once again.
It’s like they don’t even pay attention to what she says, unless she says something that they want to hear that is.
Don’t get her wrong, she loves them both, but damn they could get on her nerves.
Ever since you and Finn broke up. It annoys her the way that Octavia slides over the fact that it was actually Clarke’s decision to break up with Finn and for good fucking reason too. Even so, they keep bringing it up as if it’s the reason that she’s distant sometimes.
It annoys her the way that they imply her breaking up with Finn was when everything started too. As if the two years prior to that weren't just as horrible. As if she hasn't been broken since her father died three years ago.
They won’t bring that up in front of her, but they still find other reasons to blame her changing on. Their favourite one being Finn.
And more than anything, it pisses Clarke off the way that they always say, We just want our best friend back, as if the person that she is now is temporary, and not who she really is.
News flash, the Clarke Griffin that you’re so intent on bringing back is gone. She died three years ago as well. Why can’t they just accept that? Why can’t they just accept that this is who she is now?
She wants so badly to blow up and say this all to them. She wants to tell them that the old Clarke died along with her father that night too. She wants to tell them that this is who she is now, and that they will just have to get used to it. She wants to know why they can’t just accept her for who she is, not who she was.
She wants to scream.
But she doesn't.
Because they've had this exact conversation more times than she can count.
And she gave up trying to explain it to them after the first ten times that they brought it back up again.
So instead she does what she does best.
She puts on a fake smile and lies through her teeth.
“Look, I’m sorry that I didn't come out last night, I really was just tired. And I know that you just want me to enjoy college and go out to all the parties with you, but you know how important becoming a doctor is to me, so I’m sorry, but that is my first priority. If it makes you feel any better though, I promise to TRY and go out with you more this year.” She says in her fake reassuring voice while watching their faces light up. “But I’m not making any guarantees.”
Both girls seem to buy her speech and send her happy grins before grabbing their bags and pulling her towards the front door.
“Come on, let’s walk together.”
That afternoon, after a busy morning of classes, Clarke is sitting in one of the campus libraries surrounded by open text books and sheets of loose paper.
It was her first day back and she already has two papers to write and a presentation to give before the end of the week.
It already looks like it is going to be another hectic year for her, if the first morning worth of classes is anything to go by.
Deciding to take a quick break from her work, she pulls out her headphones and looks towards her phone. She usually tries not to check it while studying, because it just turns into a distraction, but she’s already felt it vibrate a couple times since she got to the library so she caves to curiosity and checks it anyway.
The first thing she realizes is that the time is 4:37PM, meaning that she’s already been there for a few hours, the next is a message from Octavia.
4:21PM
O.
Hey where are you, I’m with Raven and we want to hang out with you :) x
4:38PM
Clarke Griffin
I’m in the library across from Jaha’s. If you’re coming grab me a coffee on your way past and please try not to be too distracting, I already have assignments to work on.
She receives a reply almost instantly.
4:39PM
O.
We’re on our way!
Clarke sighs and cleans up most of her work. She knows that if her friends are coming, she won’t be able to get much more work done. But she keeps out one of her papers with the hope of getting some of it done.
Once the table in front of her is neat and tidy she goes back to her phone to check for other messages.
She subconsciously smiles when she sees a notification from PenPal.
3:47PM
Heda
I took your advice this morning and went for a workout this morning.
4:45PM
Prisa
Oh? How’d it go? :)
Clarke assumes the reply will take a while because she took almost an hour to reply, so she goes back to reading her textbook and working on the paper that she kept out.
It’s only a few minute though, before she gets a reply.
4:49PM
Heda
It was really nice. I've felt really energized all day :) Thanks again for the suggestion.
4:50PM
Prisa
Any time :) So how’d you’re first day back at college go?
5:51PM
Heda
Ugh, it was fine. I already have so much work though.
5:52PM
Prisa
I know how you feel. I’ve got two papers and a presentation to do before the end of the week and I only had two classes today!
Wtf?!
5:53PM
Heda
Ouch that’s really rough.
5:54PM
Prisa
You don’t have to tell me twice.
What’re you up to this afternoon?
“Clarke!”
She looks up to see Raven and Octavia sitting across the table from her with intrigued looks on their faces.
“What?”
“We've been sitting here for three minutes and you didn't even notice. Is everything okay?” It’s Octavia that asks. She looks slightly concerned, but mostly just curious.
“Yeah I’m good. Sorry. How was class?”
Clarke takes the coffee offered to her by Raven and listens in while her friends tell her about their day. While they’re talking she quickly reads a message on her phone before typing out a quick reply.
5:55PM
Heda
Study, study, study. You?
5:59PM
Prisa
Much the same. Well providing my friends don’t distract me too much that is.
She zoned out for part of the conversation but when she tunes back in she hears Octavia asking Raven something.
“Are Monty, Nathan and Jasper still joining us?”
“Yeah they’re on their way now.” Raven answers her.
“Wait what?” Clarke intervenes.
“Seeing as you didn't come out with us last night to catch up, we decided we’d all come to you.” Raven answers again with a grin.
So typical.
Clarke bites back her sigh and retains the fake smile on her face.
"What about Bellamy?" Raven asks, turning back to Octavia.
"I asked him earlier if he wanted to catch up, but apparently he already has plans for most of the week... How is that even possible, it's only our first day back for gods sake! So we'll have to wait for Lincoln's birthday to see him, apparently he wants to come and make sure Lincoln is 'good enough' for me." Octavia replies sarcastically while emphasising her words.
Clarke decides to tune out of the conversation again until the others get there.
6:00PM
Heda
Oh?
6:04PM
Prisa
Yeah… I went the library to try and get some work done. But they found me and now apparently the whole crew is coming to me because I didn't want to go out with them last night.
6:05PM
Heda
Fun times!
Grudgingly, Clarke smiles a genuine smile at her own expense.
6:06PM
Prisa
Totally -.-
Clarke looks up from her phone when she hears people taking seats around her. She looks up to see Monty and Nathan joining the table to her right, and Jasper on the left.
“Hey guys. Long time no see.” She greets them with a smile.
“Clarke! We missed you last night. How was your summer?” Jasper asks with his usual enthusiasm.
“It was okay, thanks, very busy at the hospital with mom.” She answers and receives a nod and smile in acknowledgement before she turns to Monty and Nathan. “Hey guys, how’s official couple life going?”
They both smile brightly and she can’t help but return it at seeing how genuinely happy they look.
“It’s great.” They both answer at the same time.
After a few minutes of idle small talk, Clarke falls out of the conversation and goes back to her phone.
6:07PM
Heda
Surely it’s not THAT bad?
6:13PM
Prisa
It’s not I guess. I love my friends, I really do. But sometimes they just get so hooked up on who I used to be and can’t accept me for who I am now…
6:14PM
Heda
Oh. I know exactly what you mean.
Clarke is about to reply when she sees Monty shifting towards her in her peripheral vision.
“I’m sorry again about Jasper registering you without your permission Clarke.” He tells her apologetically.
“It’s okay. Really it is.” She responds with a warm smile.
“If you don't mind me asking... How have you liked it? Have you and your partner talked much?”
“We have actually. It’s been a lot better than I expected it to be.” She answers genuinely.
Monty looks surprised by her answer, but is happy nonetheless.
“And the app works really well. I haven’t had any issues with it so far. You guys did a great job with it.”
Monty’s look of surprise turns into a proud and thankful smile.
Apparently their conversation had become the centre of attention because the rest of the table has gone quiet and are now observing the exchange.
“What are you two whispering about?” Octavia asks playfully, while the others look on curiously.
“I was just asking Clarke how she’s found the app Jasper and I made over the summer.” Monty answers for them.
“Oh, the PenPal thing?” Raven questions.
“Mhm.” Monty hums in the affirmative.
“I didn't think you’d be into something like that Clarke.” Octavia says, slightly confused.
God she doesn't even know how judgemental that sounds.
Clarke sighs.
“Well I didn't actually sign up for it-” Jasper gives a guilty chuckle. “- but I decided to try it out anyway, to help out friends, and discovered that it’s pretty cool.”
“That’s great Clarke. Monty was really happy when he said you replied to his email saying that you’d give it a go. It meant a lot to him, so it meant a lot to me too. Thanks.” Nathan smiles warmly.
“Anything for my favourite couple.” Clarke replies with a playfully, causing both Monty and Nathan to laugh.
“Hey! I shouldn't Lincoln and I be your favourite couple?” Octavia whines.
“Nope.” Is Clarke's simple answer, earning a mock glare from Octavia and chuckles from the others.
She takes the break in conversation as a chance to check her phone again.
6:19PM
Prisa
You have similar issues with your friends?
6:20PM
Heda
Yeah, pretty much.
6:21PM
Prisa
Is it just me, or do we have a scary amount in common? :P
6:22PM
Heda
It’s not just you :P I was starting to think the same thing.
“Anyway I've gotta go. I’m meeting Lincoln at Jaha’s for a coffee date. I’ll see you guys at home later.” Octavia leaves with a wave.
“We should probably head off too.” Monty says gesturing between himself, Nathan and Jasper, seeing as they all live together, along with Nathan's best friend, who just so happens to be Octavia's brother, Bellamy.
Clarke gets up and exchanges hugs with the three and says goodbye as they leave.
When she turns back to the table, Raven is getting up and looking at her.
“Want to walk home together? I want to tell you more about my summer, if you’re up for it?” Raven offers with a smile.
Clarke smiles in return. Happy for the company, but mostly for the fact that the conversational topic won’t be focused on her.
10:17PM
Prisa
Tell me something to draw.
Lexa is slightly confused when she looks at her phone after hearing it go off and reading that as the message.
10:19PM
Heda
Huh?
10:20PM
Prisa
I need something to draw, it helps me calm down.
Please.
10:21PM
Heda
Oh, sure. Give me a sec.
She’s not sure what to suggest for the other girl to draw. She looks over to her laptop screen where it’s playing Prisa’s Spotify playlist and see's that her favourite song had just started.
10:22PM
Heda
Black Dahlia.
10:23PM
Prisa
As in the song? By Hollywood Undead?
10:24PM
Heda
Well yes… I’m currently listening to it, but I meant you could draw the flower?
10:25PM
Prisa
Okay thanks :)
10:26PM
Heda
You okay?
It felt really strange for Lexa to ask someone else that question. Especially seeing as people have been asking it to her for the past year. But it just felt like the right thing to do, especially after all Prisa has done for her in the past week.
10:29PM
Prisa
Not really…
Lexa frowns.
10:30PM
Heda
Do you want to talk about it?
10:31PM
Prisa
It’s just my friends… Again…
10:32PM
Heda
What happened?
10:36PM
Prisa
I left the library with one of my friends and we walked home together, which was fine, we didn't see each other over the summer so it was nice to spend a bit of time with her. She told me more about her summer and we just used the time to catch up a bit while our other house mate was out on a date with her boyfriend.
10:37PM
Heda
Go on.
10:39PM
Prisa
It was nice talking and everything but towards the end, she just kept dropping hints about how much I've changed…
10:40PM
Heda
Sometimes change is inevitable.
10:42PM
Prisa
I know, I've accepted that, but my friends don’t seem to be able to grasp the concept!
10:43PM
Heda
Can you give me an example?
10:47PM
Prisa
Umm, she was telling me about this massive party she went to during her summer and said stuff like "the old you would have love it.” It’s not just her, but it’s like all of my friends can’t accept that I’m not the same person that I used to be. Isn't that part of human nature? To change as your grow up?
Lexa has been asking herself the same question for a long time.
10:48PM
Heda
That must be frustrating for you.
10:49PM
Prisa
Oh it is, but that’s not even the worst part.
10:50PM
Heda
What is?
10:55PM
Prisa
When my other friend for home from her date, they both cornered me about going out with them this weekend. Like literally this morning, I told them that college was my first propriety and not parties.
It’s like they don’t even fucking listen to me!
Lexa feels a massive sense of déjà vu after reading the previous message. When she got home herself, Anya and her brother were both trying to convince her into partying with them the coming weekend.
She really doesn't want to, but considering it’s her brother’s birthday, she probably won’t get much choice in the matter.
She lets out a sigh and then focuses her attention back to her phone.
10:57PM
Heda
Is college actually the reason you want to go?
10:58PM
Prisa
What do you mean?
11:00PM
Heda
I mean that college is the same excuse I used every time my friends pressure me into going out with them.
11:02PM
Prisa
Damn, I should have known that if anyone got it, it would be you.
No, the real reason that I don’t want to go is because crowds make me anxious, and drunk people make me feel nervous.
Bad memories…
Lexa doesn't like the sound of that. She’s tempted to ask further about it, but decides not to push her luck.
11:03PM
Heda
I can empathize with you there.
11:06PM
Prisa
Why can’t my friends empathize too? I mean, they’re supposed to be my best friends. If I say I don’t want to go, they shouldn't try to force me, right?!
11:07PM
Heda
I agree, they should not.
11:09PM
Prisa
In the end I got really defensive because they were ganging up on me.
11:10PM
Heda
That’s an understandable reaction.
It really was, hell, Lexa gets defensive all the time when Lincoln and Anya gang up on her about something. The annoying part is that it seems to be happening more and more lately.
She doesn't know how much more of it she will be able to take before it’s too much.
11:14PM
Prisa
They just wouldn't back down though. They kept on going on about how much I needed this and how good it would be for me to get out.
The party is meant to be for my friend’s boyfriend’s birthday, but I barely even know the guy for fuck sake!
She feels a sense of déjà vu again but ignores it this time.
11:16PM
Heda
How did you end up resolving the issue?
11:18PM
Prisa
When they wouldn't take no for an answer I lost my temper and told them I’d think about it, then I stormed off and locked myself in my room.
And they both know not to follow me into my room. It's like my number one rule that nobody fucks with. Nobody is allowed in my room, ever.
11:20PM
Heda
Well that’s not so bad is it?
If you said you’d think about it, you’re not actually under any obligation to go.
11:22PM
Prisa
I know that. But my friend don’t.
By saying that I’d think about it, they’re practically convinced that it’s a guaranteed yes. And now if I don’t go, I’ll never hear the end of it -.-
Lexa can relate. She’s lost count of the times people have tried to guilt trip her into going out with them to parties or social gatherings in the past year.
11:23PM
Heda
That’s rough…
11:25PM
Prisa
Ugh, why can’t they just fucking accept me for who I am? Why must they hold onto the person that I used to be?!
11:27PM
Heda
Some people just can’t let go of the past I suppose.
11:29PM
Prisa
How ironic, seeing as we’re two of those people.
That can’t let go of the past I mean.
Lexa can’t help but chuckle softly in spite of herself at that, it's true after all.
11:30PM
Heda
Funny how things like that work hey?
11:32PM
Prisa
I don’t know about funny, I’d go more along the lines of annoying or frustrating.
11:34PM
Heda
I’d probably have to agree with you there.
11:35PM
Prisa
Ugh, my friends are just so exhausting sometimes, I guess.
11:37PM
Heda
I know exactly how you feel.
She really does.
11:39PM
Prisa
Sigh. Sorry for ranting to you. They just really got under my skin and I needed to unload a little.
11:41PM
Heda
I’m glad to have helped, even if only a little bit.
11:44PM
Prisa
Between giving me something to draw and someone to talk to, it’s helped calm me down a lot.
Thankyou.
11:47PM
Heda
You've done a lot more for me, so listening was the least I could do.
And we both said that we’d be there for each other didn’t we?
11:48PM
Prisa
We did :)
Lexa smiles at that.
She doesn't know the exact reason why.
But it feels refreshing for her to have someone to talk to. And even though neither of them really know about the others past, they both just… Understand each other somehow.
11:49PM
Heda
Good :)
11:51PM
Prisa
I’m feeling a lot better :)
11:52PM
Heda
I’m glad :)
11:53PM
Prisa
We should both probably try to get some sleep.
11:55PM
Heda
Indeed we should. I’m planning on getting up early again to work out.
11:56PM
Prisa
Me too :) Goodnight, and thanks again!
11:58PM
Heda
You’re welcome :) Goodnight.
Lexa puts her phone down for the night, eager to try and get to sleep so that she will be able to get up early enough to go to the gym again.
She closes her eyes and starts to relax for a few minutes, but she is distracted by her phone going off again.
When she picks up the phone, she notices that the time has just passed midnight and stares at the notification.
PenPal: Prisa has sent you a photo.
Curiosity wins her over and she unlocks her phone before going into the app.
When she opens the photo her mouth falls open in awe.
Prisa sent her a photo of what she must have been drawing while she vented. On the page in the sketchbook is a rough but elegant pencil sketch of a beautiful flower. There are multiple sharp thorns going up the stem and a few loose leaves hanging off the side. At the top the stem opens up to show a beautifully blooming flower.
A black dahlia.
There are some petals floating down away from the flower towards the ground. It was only then, as Lexa followed the trail of falling petals with her eyes, that she noticed the petals were falling into a pattern which spelt out a word in the shadow of the beautiful flower…
Heda.
Her fingers slowly trace over the photo while she admired the beautiful sketch.
She taps on the speech bubble next to the photo and it brings up a message that is attached to the photo.
00:01AM
Prisa
Work in progress. I hope you like it :) Goodnight!
Lexa can’t help but feel honoured by the sketch. Without even realizing it, for the first time in over a year, she falls asleep with a warm heart and a soft smile on her face.