Chapter 2
Clarke sat there, on her bed, in the dark, at 4:30am staring at her phone.
As soon as she read the notification, she started feeling panicked, and she had no idea why. Sure, she may not be the most social person, and prefers to just stick to what she knows, but it’s not like she’s going on a blind date or anything.
It’s just a random person that she has been paired with to test her friend’s app.
That being the case, she can’t figure out why she feels her anxiety acting up.
After a few minutes of shallow breathing and staring at the now dark screen, she unlocks her phone again and opens PenPal. Seemingly forgetting that it’s 4:30 in the morning, she navigates to the messaging section of the app.
4:35AM
Prisa
Hello?
Clark grimaces at seeing the name above the message. Obviously she didn’t expect it to show up with her email address, because that wouldn’t be very anonymous, but she didn’t realize that Japer would put that down as her name.
Growing up, Clarke’s father always called her his little princess. She used to love it so much, but whenever she tried to repeat it, all that she could pronounce was Prisa. It was embarrassing when that story was leaked to her friends but she dealt with it at the time.
Now though… She hates when people call her princess. Too many memories…
She is shaken out of her thoughts when the phone in her hand vibrates and the screen lights up again.
4:37AM
Heda
Hello.
Looking down at the simple response, Clarke doesn't really know what to say. Or if she even wants to say anything. It is well past time where any normal person should be asleep after all.
4:39AM
Prisa
Why are you awake this early in the morning?
4:40AM
Heda
I could ask you the same thing.
4:41AM
Prisa
I only got home from work recently and was about to go to sleep when my phone buzzed.
4:43AM
Heda
Oh. Sorry. I was just about to go to sleep myself when I was checking my emails. I had one about this app, and well, here we are.
4:44AM
Prisa
Oh, fair enough.
4:45AM
Heda
Yep.
By this point Clarke is out of things to say again, but she isn't tired any more and she doesn't really feel like lying awake in bed for another hour trying to get to sleep. She almost asks about the other person’s choice of name, Heda, but decides against it when she realized she probably wouldn't be comfortable if they asked about hers either.
Instead she decides to go with something else.
4:48AM
Prisa
So what made you decide to sign up to try out this app?
4:50AM
Heda
I didn't sign up. Why did you?
4:51AM
Prisa
I didn't either.
4:52AM
Heda
Really?
4:53AM
Prisa
Yeah. My friend put my name down. I didn't even know until I got the email telling me that I had been selected.
4:54AM
Heda
Same thing happened to me… Except is was my brother.
Clark takes a moment to consider their conversation up until this point. It turns out that she isn't the only person who was entered into this without asking for it.
It’s fairly obvious to her that this Heda person was feeling uncomfortable, and for some unknown reason it bothered Clarke. Like, she needed to make sure that the other person was okay with talking to her.
4:57AM
Prisa
Are you okay?
You seem sort of, I don’t know… Uncomfortable?
4:49AM
Heda
Yes, I am fine.
I’m just not really big on talking to people that I don’t really know.
Sorry…
5:01AM
Prisa
That’s understandable.
I’m much the same.
5:02AM
Heda
Really? Why?
Sorry that was a personal question. You don’t have to answer it.
5:03AM
Prisa
No it’s fine. I just prefer sticking to what I know. I’m not a huge fan of change. Whether it be forced or chosen.
I prefer to stay within the safety of my comfort zone I suppose.
5:05AM
Heda
I know how you feel.
Clarke looks to the time and has to double take when she realizes that she’s been messaging this stranger for half an hour.
5:07AM
Prisa
I’m sorry for message you so early in the morning. You should probably get some sleep.
5:08AM
Heda
So should you.
5:09AM
Prisa
Hah, yeah probably.
5:10AM
Heda
Not tired?
5:11AM
Prisa
Not really no. I know I should be. But I’m just… Not.
5:12AM
Heda
Nor I.
5:13AM
Prisa
Do you want to keep talking for a while? To pass time?
By now Clarke is certain that she isn't going to be able to get any sleep, and is just thankful that she doesn't have any plans for the day. She decides that she’ll probable just end up watching Netflix and having an afternoon nap.
With her decision made, she puts her phone down and heads down stairs to go make herself a coffee. She doesn't really need it to stay awake, her racing mind does a fine job of that without caffeine added to the mix, but she likes the taste so she just goes with it.
When she comes back a few minutes later with a steaming cup of coffee, she takes a sip before sitting it on her bedside table and grabbing her phone again.
She taps the power button and sees two new messages.
5:14AM
Heda
I don’t care.
5:18AM
Heda
Sorry that came across as rude. What I meant was that I don’t mind if you would like to talk, and it also wouldn't bother me if you’d prefer not to.
5:20AM
Prisa
I don’t really mind either way to be honest. I mean, I’m probably not going to be getting any sleep anyway.
5:22AM
Heda
Then I guess we can talk.
Clarke wasn't sure at which point she started hoping that that would be the answer she got, but she realizes it when she let out a sigh of relief.
Apparently she liked the idea of talking to someone she didn’t know and would never meet. It meant she could say whatever she wanted, without worrying about anything coming back on her. The whole anonymity aspect really is quite appealing, she realizes.
5:23AM
Prisa
Cool :)
5:24AM
Heda
So what do you want to talk about?
5:25AM
Prisa
I don’t know… Anything?
5:26AM
Heda
Does this kind of thing happen often for you?
Being awake at this time I mean.
5:27AM
Prisa
More often than I’d like to admit…
5:28AM
Heda
What do you usually do when you can’t sleep?
5:29AM
Prisa
Sometimes I draw or paint, if I’m in the mood. More often than not I just lay around and listen to Spotify.
5:30AM
Heda
You’re into art? What kind of music do you listen to?
5:31AM
Prisa
Kinda, mostly it’s just a creative outlet for me though.
When it comes to music, I’m one of those kinds of people that has phases but can listen to all kinds of music.
At the moment it's mostly alternative and punk rock.
5:32AM
Heda
Are you listening to anything now?
Apparently somewhere in the past twenty minutes, without even realizing it, she had in fact turned on her Spotify and is listening to music. She considers naming the song but decides to just link the playlist.
She made the Spotify account years ago, so her name on it is actually Prisa as well, so she doesn’t really need to worry about breaking the anonymity that they've got going at the moment.
5:34AM
Prisa
Yeah. Hang on, I’ll link you the playlist.
https://open.spotify.com/user/prisa/playlist/0UkuusceENrMMQhUx0fQVd
A few minutes passed without a reply, and Clark uses this time to choose a song to listen to. Just before her phones buzzes again, she switches the song to Drown – Bring me the horizon.
5:37AM
Heda
Oh wow. There are some great bands in this playlist. Good selection of songs too.
5:38AM
Prisa
Yeah I like to think so.
I made this playlist a few years ago. It’s helped me get through some really tough times.
5:39AM
Heda
Tough times?
Clarke bites her bottom lip nervously. She didn't mean to say that. While she could probably see herself talking to someone anonymously about her issues. She’s not ready to spill her tragic issues quite so soon.
Maybe in a decade, or three…
5:42AM
Prisa
Yep.
What about you? Are you up this late, or early, often?
She decides to try and deflect the question and change the topic.
5:44AM
Heda
More often then I’d like to admit.
That wasn't me trying to mock your earlier response. It was just the first one that came to mind.
Sorry.
Clarke frowns at the person’s apparent need to apologize whenever they feel like they've said something wrong. She remembers that it’s supposed to be a symptom of anxiety, she used to apologize just as much, sometimes she still does…
5:46AM
Prisa
It’s fine. You don’t need to apologize.
What is it that you do when you can’t sleep?
5:47AM
Heda
I listen to music a lot too. Sometimes I read as well.
5:48AM
Prisa
Do you have a playlist you could link me? So I can see what your tastes in music are like too?
5:49AM
Heda
I do… But most of the songs are the same anyway so there isn’t much point.
5:50AM
Prisa
Fair enough.
Clarke doesn't mind the fact that she seems to be giving more to the conversation than Heda. She’s happy enough to just go along with the flow of things. And while Heda isn't really giving as much to the conversation as she feels she is, they are replying promptly and they seem to be trying to keep the conversation going.
5:53AM
Prisa
Obviously I don’t know if you go to college, or work, or are still in school. But I assume that you've had some kind of summer break? How has that been for you?
5:54AM
Heda
Yes I've had some time to relax. I've spent a lot of it working, but it’s been okay.
What about you?
5:55AM
Prisa
Yeah, I had a bit of time off from college for the summer. But just like you, I've spent most of break working.
5:56AM
Heda
What kind of work do you do?
If you don’t mind me asking that is…
5:57AM
Prisa
It’s fine :)
I've been working a lot with my mom in a hospital.
5:58AM
Heda
Oh. So I assume that you’re doing a medical degree of some kind?
5:59AM
Prisa
Yep. I’ll hopefully be a doctor within a few years.
6:01AM
Heda
That’s pretty cool.
6:02AM
Prisa
Thanks!
She wants to ask what Heda does for work, and if she’s in college too. But she doesn't want to push for information. It’s almost as if Heda can read her mind though as Clarke reads the next message.
6:04AM
Heda
I’m probably really shitty to talk to… You've told me a lot about yourself already and all I've told you is that I like your Spotify playlist…
Sorry… As I said, I’m just not good at talking to people that I don’t know.
Please don’t take it personally.
6:05AM
Prisa
It’s okay. I understand. Really.
6:06AM
Heda
Thank you for not being annoyed. I probably would be in your situation.
6:07AM
Prisa
Don’t be silly, it’s fine :)
6:09AM
Heda
It’s not… I’m a pretty crappy person.
You’re being open and honest, and I’m just sitting here taking in all of the information and giving you nothing in return.
Yep. Definite anxiety. Clarke can relate. Obsessive need to apologize. Consistent need to put oneself below the standard of others. Repetitive need to give others a way out of the conversation.
Clarke has seen it all before.
She has done it all before.
She still does it fairly often.
6:15AM
Heda
Sorry. I’ll leave you to get some sleep or something.
Clarke doesn't even realize that she’s spaced out until she gets the next message.
6:16AM
Prisa
Wait.
Sorry, I spaced out for a few minutes. You don’t have to go, and you don’t have to give anything back to me.
She sees the alert come up a few times to signal that Heda is typing something, but after a few seconds it disappears again each time.
6:22AM
Heda
Are you sure…?
6:23AM
Prisa
Yes.
6:24AM
Heda
Okay…
After taking a brief pause to finish her coffee, which she realizes is pretty much cold by now, she gets another message.
6:26AM
Heda
Thank you.
6:27AM
Prisa
What for??
6:29AM
Heda
Not leaving…
Clarke’s heart tenses for a moment.
It would seem that her ‘PenPal’ has some kind of abandonment issue, or has dealt with some form of abandonment in their past.
She doesn't know why, but once again, she feels the need to reassure Heda. Maybe she’s simply projecting her issues onto her anonymous ‘PanPal’ or maybe they’re both as broken as each other, and instead of admitting her own issues, she wants to try and help someone else deal with theirs.
6:31AM
Prisa
As long as you don’t want me to, I won’t leave.
6:32AM
Heda
That’s not a promise you can keep.
6:33AM
Prisa
You’re right.
But I can promise that I will do everything within my power to not leave?
There is another few minutes in between messages, in which time Clarke just hums softly along to the music while staring down at her phone.
6:38AM
Heda
Okay.
What do we talk about now?
6:40AM
Prisa
I can share a something with you if you’d like? You don’t need to feel obligated to share anything back. You can just listen? Or read I guess?
6:41AM
Heda
If you’re sure?
6:42AM
Prisa
Mhm :)
6:43AM
Heda
Okay. I think I’d like that.
:)
Clarke new it wasn’t much. But she felt like she’d accomplished something simply by getting Heda to send that one smiley face. They probably didn't actually smile, but it still felt like somewhat of an achievement.
Why she actually cares so much though, she has no idea.
6:47AM
Prisa
Okay.
When I was younger, like 10 years old. My parents took me to a water park near Washington D.C called Mt. Weather Water Park, have you ever heard of it?
6:48AM
Heda
Yes, I've actually been there. It was when I was twelve though.
6:51AM
Prisa
Okay so before we went, I was super excited to go, because it was the first time that I’d ever been to some sort of theme park. I remember reading so many brochures about all the rides and gift stores and everything. By the time we were in the car on our way there, I already had a hand drawn map with our route planned out. Every ride or attraction that I wanted to see, I’d drawn on the map and put a time next to it. I was so excited that I literally planned out every minute of our day.
6:53AM
Heda
That’s kind of cute.
Without actually knowing why, that message made Clarke smile genuinely. She loved telling people this story, it had just been years since she had felt up to sharing it with anyone.
6:56AM
Prisa
Maybe a little :P Anyway when we actually got there, I took off, leading my parents to the first ride. I remember it so clearly. It was a huge waterslide where enclosed slides were wrapped around each other from top to bottom. As soon as I saw it I ran off towards the stairs and was climbing them before my parents even realized that I was gone…
6:57AM
Heda
What happened next?
7:01AM
Prisa
A few minutes later, they found me half way up the staircase to the top of the slide, hugging the hand rail for dear life and balling my eyes out. It was the same day that I discovered that I am terrified of heights…
7:03AM
Heda
Oh my god. I’m not sure whether to gush about how cute that is, or feel sorry for you!
This made Clarke smile again, because without even realizing it, Heda was starting to relax into the conversation a little bit. She could tell because the other person was becoming a bit more expressive, which Clarke took a sign of Heda being a bit more comfortable.
7:04AM
Heda
What did you do after that?
7:06AM
Prisa
Well when I finally stopped crying an hour later, I discovered that my entire days plan had been ruined by my newly discovered fear, so I spent most of the day splashing around in the wave pool and exploring the gift shops.
7:08AM
Heda
Okay now I’m definitely gushing :)
Clarke was proud of herself for seemingly improving the mood of her anonymous PenPal. Even when her own mind was in turmoil, it always made her feel better to help other people.
It was one of the main reasons that she wanted to become a doctor.
Most people thought it was admirable and selfless to become a doctor, but in reality for Clarke, helping others made her feel a little bit better about herself, so in a way it was kind of a selfish ambition.
She was about to send another message but was cut off by an incoming one.
7:10AM
Heda
I can’t believe it’s already past 7am. Sorry, but I think I can hear my parents getting up to go to work so I should probably go and see them off. Thank you for talking to me when you didn’t have to, and for not leaving when most people probably would have.
Maybe we can talk again later? If you have nothing better to do that is.
She frowned a little bit after reading the message. After seemingly cheering the other person up, they fell back into bad habits so easily, unnecessary apologizing and putting themselves below another’s standards.
It made Clarke frown a bit more at how easily these things seem to come to this Heda person.
She decides that she definitely does want to talk again later. She convinces herself that she needs to make sure that the other person is okay.
Nobody deserves to be broken, well that’s what she’s been trying to convince herself for the past few years anyway.
7:13AM
Prisa
Its fine, I should probably do the same as well. My mom will be waking up any minute to get ready to head into the hospital.
It was nice to talk to someone new for once, even if I’d never actually go out and start talking to a stranger in the real world, it was nice to talk to you here, and I’d be happy to talk to you again sometime.
Have a nice day :)
7:14AM
Heda
You too :)
Deciding to go and see if her mom was actually getting up for work too, Clarke puts her phone back on the charger and heads down stairs to where she can hear sound coming from the kitchen.
When she rounds the corner her suspicions are proven correct when she sees her mom brewing a pot of coffee.
“Morning mom.”
“Clarke?!” Abby jumps, not hearing Clarke come down the stairs. She holds her hand over her heart in an attempt to calm her racing heartbeat from being startled only moments ago. “What are you doing up so early? I thought that you’d sleep in now that you’ve finished your volunteer hours at the hospital.”
“I just woke up to see you off before you go.” Clarke lies with a fake smile.
It’s easier to tell a small lie than to have her mom try and start diagnosing her with insomnia and anxiety.
Again…
“You’re so sweet.” Abby smiles, turning back to her coffee, buying the lie easily.
Clarke has had years of practice now so it’s not exactly hard to do any more.
With coffee now in hand, in a disposable cup, Abby turns back to Clarke. She gives her daughter a quick hug and a kiss on the cheek before heading towards the front door.
“I’ll probably be back late again tonight. Have a nice day sweetie.”
“You too mom.”
Hearing the front door close, she blinks a few times Feeling that her eyelids are getting heavy, she decides to go back up to her room for a nap.
Late that afternoon, Lexa wakes in her bed, curled under a thin sheet so as not to be too hot from the summer heat. She blinks the sleep out of her eyes while stretching out her limbs to help finalize the waking process.
Once she’s satisfied with her current level of perception, she pushes the sheet away and gets out of her bed. Reaching for her phone, she pulls it off the charged and the screen lights up, allowing her to check the time.
She sighs when the time displays it 5:13PM.
She slept all day.
After seeing her parents off in the morning, she went back up to her bed for a quick nap. Though apparently her quick nap turned into waking up at 5:13PM.
“Fuck my life.” She mumbles to herself while unlocking her phone to check for any messages.
When she does, she sees that she has two new text messages. The first being from her brother.
3:27PM
Lincoln
Just thought you’d like to know that my date last night went brilliantly. I look forward to introducing you to my girlfriend. Maybe you could come out to a few parties with us when you get back?
Lexa is happy that her brother has found someone that he seems to care for enough to actually ask out on a date, and then ask to be his girlfriend. But she really is not looking forward to him pressuring her to going out with them to parties.
With a sigh she sends off a quick reply.
5:15PM
Lexa
Congratulations. I’m happy that you’re happy.
After sending the message, she realizes that it wasn't exactly an enthusiastic reply. But decides that it’s about all of the enthusiasm that she can muster at the moment.
She’s too annoyed at herself for sleeping through the entire day to be enthusiastic.
Looking toward the next message, she realizes that it’s from her best friend Anya, and opens in promptly.
Anya
4:03PM
Hey x
What day/time can I expect you home? If you want I can get a few of our friends around for a welcome home party in your honour.
Anya is Lexa’s best friend and one of her house mates back at college. They moved in together roughly a year ago after knowing each other since they were younger. She loves Anya like a sister, but she is just like her brother in the sense that they don’t understand that she doesn't like to party, and dress up, and drink, like they do.
She prefers the quiet solitude of her bedroom and the safety of her course work.
Anya often jokes about it, asking if there is something broken inside her head. She means nothing by it, but every time she says it, Lexa fumes.
Because yes, there is something broken inside her head. And pretending that everything is okay, and going out to parties and getting drunk and pretending to be a normal college girl will not fix that.
Lexa doesn't even realize how worked up she’s getting until she feels the palms of her hands digging into her phone from squeezing it so tightly.
She lets out a sigh, and with it her annoyance. After taking another deep breath to calm herself further. She types out a quick reply before sending it off.
5:22PM
Lexa
I should be getting back sometime early Sunday afternoon. If you want to invite your* friends around for a welcome back party that’s up to you, but I won’t be participating.
See you on Sunday.
She knows that it may come across as a bit harsh. But things like this have happened often enough that Anya has learnt not to take it personally.
Lexa just wishes that she would stop trying to ‘fix’ her with short skirts and alcohol.
Closing out of the texting app on her phone, she checks her emails next. It doesn't take long and before she knows it she is closing out of the email app back to her home screen. Without all of the typical social media platforms to check she goes to lock her phone before seeing the PenPal icon in the bottom corner of her phone.
Curiously she taps the app to open it and goes to her messages. She’s a bit disappointed to see that there are no new messages but quickly suppresses the disappointment and decides to reread the morning’s conversation.
She didn't even realize how long they were talking for until it took her almost half an hour to read all the way back through the conversation, and before she even realizes it she’s reading over the water park story with a smile on her face.
Arriving at the end of their conversation, she discovers that, even though she didn't do much of the talking, she socialized more with a random stranger in a single morning than she usually does in an entire week at college.
For some reason she just felt less uncomfortable talking to Prisa, than she normally does talking to other people. It probably had a lot to do with the fact that the person seemed to go out of their way to make sure that she was comfortable in the conversation, and even accepted the fact that she is socially impaired when it comes to new people, and instead of judging her, ended up sharing a personal story from their past to help break a bit of the ice.
Somehow she actually really enjoyed their conversation and finds herself looking forward to the next one.
She decides that when they talk again, she will attempt to be a bit more open, while trying not to expose her own damaged mental state.
From the sounds of things, maybe Prisa has been through some pretty heavy stuff like she has. They were pretty quick to cover their slip up about ‘tough times.’ And thinking back to some of the songs in the Spotify playlist, it’s not exactly the kind of music you listen to whilst in a cheery mood.
Who knows, depending how things go for a while, maybe Prisa will end up being the first person that she opens up to, spills out all of her insecurities to, and actually admits to that she is fucked up.
Maybe.
But not likely.
Checking the time again she sees that it almost 6PM and with that comes the realization that her parents will be home soon.
To try and hide the fact that she’s been asleep all day, she grabs her laptop and one of her course books for the coming year and heads into the living room.
She drops herself into the recliner and sets her laptop up on the coffee table in front of her. She opens Spotify to play some music as background noise and without even knowing it, double clicks on the same playlist that she was sent earlier that morning.
With that taken care of, she folds her legs beneath herself and loses herself in the course book.