he dreams of happy ever after.
i. you're shorter than him when he saves your life
Tyler Joseph must be honest, he doesn't really remember meeting Josh Dun. To him, it's as simple as Josh always being there. He knows what happened, of course, he just doesn't remember anything but the way his heart broke when Josh smiled.
(Maybe he just suppresses the memory because it's easier than knowing he was unwanted by Josh for a long time.)
he tries desperately to squint into his brain but all he ever remembers is not being able to breathe, hearing what he'd thought was an angel, and that sad, sad smile.
It still makes his heart skip a beat.
(And truthfully, he's always known he was different like that.)
ii. alice gordon talks funny but her eyes remind you of his
he really does like Alice Gordon. he's not one of those cliches Josh hates that pretends to like girls when he really craves the touch of his best friend. It takes him awhile because his parents have taught him that love does not just click into place one day.
Josh has always protected him from bullies and the evil that takes advantage of star eyed little boys who believe in fairies and all the angels that sing.
But Tyler cannot protect Josh from all the coughing and snot and so his best friend gets sick one day and there is no one to protect him from the evils of the first grade. A girl who his mommy tells his probably just has a crush on him and is embarrassed is picking on him again.
(he feels ugly when she insults his dark eyes but pretty when Josh tells him he likes them.)
And then Alice Gordon is on top of her, in a pile of limbs and hitting and screams that she needs to leave Tyler alone. It's not the first time he feels like a damsel in distress but it's the first time he feels like he has a princess to rescue him and not a prince.
he knows damsels in distress are supposed to be girls who end up with princes who scale high towers and slay dragons and climb up the damsel's hair.
(Much later he doesn't particularly like that notion because damsels in distress can be boys too, and maybe he doesn't want a princess, but a prince he can’t have.)
Alice Gordon has a black eye and a time out afterwards but he writes her a thank you note he never has the courage to give her.
Her eyes shine the same way Josh's do and her hair is the same shade of brown and she protects him like he does but she lacks the teasing smirk that looks a lot like home.
It's when he gets the keychain with a picture of him and Josh that she finally talks to him and thanks him with a kiss on his cheek that makes both their faces burn. He compliments the bracelet and he stutters through rambles about nothing that he rambles to Josh about.
he doesn't think Josh likes Alice Gordon too much though (it's the pencils) so he eventually shuts up about him.
iii. Debby Ryan teases you like he would
Josh tells his it's a miracle he can stand properly ( weaklegstogowithdoeeyes , he thinks he hears Josh whisper once) so he's not surprised—just veryveryvery embarrassed—when he literally runs into Debby Ryan.
Then she says all the right—Josh—things to say and he's blushing even harder.
She's absolutely perfect because she's funny and quick witted and she smirks like Josh does. But he realizes why he likes her and he says nothing to Josh about it.
he says nothing for the longest time (really, it's only a week but hiding things from Josh feels like eternity) and it's not until the curly haired boy forces him to with that smirk that looks like home that it all comes spilling out.
If he was more observant he would realize that Josh hates Debby Ryan like he hated Alice Gordon.
he's much too shy to talk to Debby Ryan and Josh hates that more. Even starry eyed Tyler Joseph knows that.
The day Josh forces him to talk to Debby Ryan is one of the best days in his life, even when he stutters through too much rambling. he rambles on about it to Josh, picturing her smirk (but it's his smirk, even with blonde hair and dark eyes).
Later, he concludes that Debby Ryan doesn't like him like he likes her (the funny, quick witted side of Josh, he realizes, like how Alice Gordon was the gruff, protective side of him—he thinks something in between would be just right because that's Josh) no matter how many times Josh insists her face was redder than Daniel Strunk's hair.
he still isn't over Debby Ryan and her teasing smirk though.
It's her admitting she wants a princess and not a prince that does it.
(Maybe it also makes him feel okay about maybepossiblyperhaps wanting a prince.)
iv. eve saito has strong arms you think would feel like his
his daddy is a teacher at their new school but he still doesn’t call him Mr. Joseph because that’s too weird. Josh’s daddy is longlonggone and he’s never felt guiltier for having his father so close.
Even though he’s holding Josh, all he can think of is the warmth of home and the shampoo that smells like everything he knows.
(he’s never done the saving before now but he thinks he really likes it. he thinks he’ll like fixing people more.)
But he likes Eve Saito now so he later wonders if her arms feel this warm.
he hugs her once, during PE after she scores a goal (he doesn’t know the exact term for it because he’s never liked football). Her arms feel nothing like Josh’s but her smile looks like a much happier version of the one from all those yearsandyears ago when he almost drowned.
It’s enough so he clings to his crush on her.
(Deep down, he knows she is no princess and he doesn’t think he’s anyone’s prince.)
Later, Josh promises to be his diary like he isn’t already. Tyler doesn’t know if he should laugh or cry. Instead, he mentally promises to be Josh’s diary too.
(he’s never thought of himself as the knight in his fairy tales.
Maybe guys who aren’t princes can save people too, he still isn’t quite sure.)
They stay up all night and talk about Eve Saito. At the crack of dawn, Josh cries over his father. he clings to his best friend for an entire hour and Tyler cries too.
The tears are as gone as the sad, sad smile from ages ago the next day and Tyler wonders what promise his best friend has made himself this time. he hates that the other boy has so many tears he refuses to cry.
Tyler starts to hate his starry eyes because Josh’s are still so broken. he knows he would steal all the stars and the moons if it meant Josh would never ever ever hurt again.
he also knows he can’t.
Being the knight is hard work and he knows how long Josh has done it so he lets Josh be the damsel instead (but he still cries too much when he loses the keychain—he thinks that's when he stops liking Eve Saito so much).
Eve Saito isn’t a princess so he doesn’t need to be a prince now.
v. jenna black is all the inbetweens of alice gordon and debby ryan that he is
She's the first girl he ever loves. It's not love right from the start but when she truly unfolds herself and divulges her secrets to his, Tyler Joseph falls in love with Jenna Black.
he knows she will not be the last girl even though it feels like it sometimes.
(It's entirely because she is the shades of gray between Alice Gordon and Debby Ryan that become Josh Dun.)
he sees the warmth in her eyes that he's searched for alongside the brokenness in Josh's. he sees the banter she shares with his best friend (who he knows hates her but he can't linger on it too much). he sees the protective anger against bullies that Josh has always carried with him. She doesn't have the teasing smirk or the same shade of hair or the same warmth in his arms but she's charming and funny and sweet and she makes him feel sososo much.
It's not the first time he's been in love (he's still in love, yes, he knows that) but it's the only time he's gotten to talk about it and the first time he's found Cinderella.
Of course, he knows about the night that they get too drunk at that party (he can remember dancing wildly with Josh in ways best friends aren't supposed to and getting lost in the crowd of people) and they wound up fucking. he doesn't know if they remember it but he does. he'd walked a still drunk and bleeding Josh out of the room and given him his jacket and nurtured the alcohol out of his system and cleaned him up (they showered together like they had when they were younger but Tyler will never speak of it) and then taken him to see a musical. It often occurs to him that maybe he should've walked Jenna Black out instead because isn't he supposed to love his girlfriend with all of his heart?
he doesn't break up with her for it (they're only ninth graders and they've just barely started dating and he loves her too much to not forgive what she doesn't even know she did) but it is the first time his heart is trulytrulytruly broken.
They both broke it.
(But he never ever blames Josh because Josh would never hurt his like that.
Besides, he's had enough painful reminders that Josh likes Ashley to know.)
he never stops carrying the burden of their secret alone.
Instead he breaks up with her in tenth grade with sweet, sugary kisses and his hand finds the warmth of Josh's.
vi. melanie martinez is almost nothing like him but you need to get over it
he starts dating Melanie Martinez just because she's cute and funny.
There's no real reason to it. Just a simple, mindless infatuation. She shows him pretty things like constellations and flowers and speaks Shakespeare and little things like that but he doesn't think that's why he likes her. he just thinks that's nice.
(he gives her his virginity anyways because Josh comes out with his boyfriend, Devin Fitzpatrick, and he just wants to feel.)
It's afterwards that he grows attached to her and afterwards that she breaks his heart even more than Josh has.
Josh who promised to never hurt him. Josh who swore to tell him these things. Josh who broke him. Josh who is broken. Josh who he danced with. Josh who he wants so badly to kiss again (it happened once during truth or dare in middle school and a few times when they were little because he was so in love with fairy tales).
he's perfectly fine though.
Really, he is.
he just wishes Grandma (Josh’s grandma, really) would stop giving him those pitying looks like she knows how Tyler feels. They kill him a little bit more each time.
(There's the same hollowness as when he watches Josh smiling at Disneyland and all he can think of is the sad smile from all those years ago.)
The next time he kisses Melanie Martinez it makes him sad because she smells like a cologne he's never worn. Tyler Joseph is a lot of things but he's not stupid. He should've figured that out when she met him when he was a freshman and she was a sophomore.
(he recalls how they met at a Sadie Hawkins dance that he'd asked Josh to and not Jenna Black, she had seemed like the dragon in his fairy tale then.)
he cries to Josh about her cheating and suddenly Josh is the one saving him again. he hasn't been the damsel in distress in a while and it feels nice.
Josh makes Melanie Martinez bleed and cry like his heart is and everything is okayokayokay. But when Jenna Black hurts Melanie Martinez, it feels differently.
Maybe it's the lack of comforting promises.
vii. lana del rey is the same kind of adventurous as him and you're addicted again
The only thing really special about Lana Del Rey is that her lips taste like the chapstick Josh likes, and maybe that her eyes sparkle like his do.
Other than that, she's just a pretty girl with sweet words to tell him and soft hands to hold. he's fond of holding her hand as they run amuck around New York and every amusement park they can find. It feels like running around with Josh but she's much too tall and her shoulders are much too broad.
The high that is Lana Del Rey is gone with the wind the day Grandma is diagnosed though. It's probably what Grandma tells him that really breaks his heart if he's honest. (he's being too selfish again, of course.)
"Josh feels the same way about you." he'd heard it in Debby Ryan's eyes but it burns to hear from Grandma.
If he was a lot braver, if he was a lot more like Josh, he would've at least tried to kiss him.
Instead he does nothing but cry to Lana Del Rey a little bit and kiss her lips because they taste familiar. Too bad hugging her doesn't feel the same way holding Josh had. If he had just found a girl who felt that way, it would have saved him all the heartache of his sexuality which he's still not sure about.
The funeral is hell on earth as he clings to his dearest friends and Josh is pressed right against him, with one hand in Lynn's and the other in Jenna Black's. he catches glimpses of Jordan sobbing into a torn up Liv and his parents and Patrick clutching each other like it'll make a difference and Ms. Dun crying into herself. It's the worst sight carved into his eyes and it chases him into the car.
he tries to think of Jenna Black and Josh Dun and he thinks it's okay.
Then those stupid fucking words come back into his head and he remembers the blood down Josh's leg and he wants to die. It's too selfish to think.
At home, he reads fairy tales in a choking voice to Jordan and Liv even though they're not little kids anymore. They listen anyways.
And then he gets the best news in his entire life.
They found the keychain. They found the keychain. he kisses their cheeks and buries his face in Josh's neck and Jenna Black's chest and when Lynn comes he buries his hand in her’s and they call Ms. Dun and Jordan and Liv understand but barely as they dance about the room.
Lana Del Rey cheats and Josh beats him up again because she's the dragon and he's the knight. Tyler doesn't cry because her eyes still look like Josh's. She gets a second chance even though he knows she shouldn't.
The damsel dates the dragon.
(he regrets it like Josh warns.)
viii. Lynn Gunn shows you the princess nature of Jenna Black
It's strange and foreign even though she's always pursued him. Even though she went to prom with him. Even though he's known her for so so long. She has not a trace of Josh Dun but he's as princess-like as Jenna Black and she takes him to nice places and she's really grown up a lot.
he dates Lynn Gunn.
She's the second girl he falls in love with even though his heart still belongs to a boy.
It's nice and happy and fresh and feels like a dream come true to him even though he has never dreamt of this. At the very least he isn't settling with her, she is the exact thing that he had promised to never settle for less than.
She's the only girl who never cheats (even accidentally and without knowing) on him and he thinks that's sweet. he knows he shouldn't think that. Either way, she's a good princess. A very nice princess too.
he's still not observant enough to see the pain in Josh Dun or Jenna Black's eyes when he swoons to them about it.
They date for months and months before he sees. he only lets himself see the pain in Jenna Black's eyes because Grandma couldn't have been right.
Even if Josh had cried with his head nuzzled in Tyler's neck after dumping Devin Fitzpatrick.
he starts texting Jenna Black more and more. he apologizes to Lynn Gunn with intentions of breaking up with her when he realizes he's flirting. Instead Lynn Gunn breaks up with him and tells him she understands with a sugary sweet kiss on his cheek and no hard feelings whatsoever.
She was a good princess but Jenna Black is Cinderella.
It occurs briefly that Josh Dun is Prince Charming but he has to shake the thought before it gives his starry eyes false hope.
viv. you say i do to her and he says nothing
It burns him up inside when he's got butterflies and he's saying cheesy vows to her and Josh Dun just stands there, looking up at the sky. Tyler is blind to the tears his best friend is fighting back as he always has been.
he's genuinely happy to be marrying Jenna Black. he's wanted her to be Mrs. Tyler Joseph since he was in the seventh grade.
But his heart aches and he almost wishes Josh Dun would just say something.
"Speak now."
Starry eyes look towards broken eyes. They don't look back.
"Or forever."
Jenna Black squeezes his hand and he looks back to her with a smile. It feels like the smile from when they were little.
"Hold your."
Pleasesaysomethingpleasesaysomethingpleasesaysomething . he counts to four.
One. Josh Dun looks at him.
Two. Josh Dun smiles at him.
Three. Those eyes are sad.
"Peace."
Four.
. . .
Silence.
Josh Dun has no objections.
Lynn Gunn has no objections (she smiles so genuinely). Debby Ryan has no objections (even if she shifts like she wants to speak). Ms. Dun has no objections (despite the sadness in her eyes). Jordan Dun has no objections (he's threatened Ms. Black- or, Mrs. Joseph- enough already). Olivia Mcmanim has no objections (though she eyes Josh Dun like she wants him to speak).
Daddy has no objections (his eyes look empty and like he's lost). Mom has no objections (she sighs and looks down before smiling). Patrick Stump has no objections (just disappointment and memories). Ashley has no objections (just smiles of pride and a slight grimace of overprotection).
Papa has no objections (but he looks at Jenna Black funny). Grams has no objections (she's too busy crying over her grandson). Zack Joseph has no objections (he's smiling wider than ever).
In that moment, the whole world holds their peace. And Josh Dun doesn't breathe but Tyler Joseph never knows that.
They say their "I do"'s and he looks at Josh Dun before he kisses her.
She never sees his eyes leave her.
It kills him but through his smile (because he really is happy to marry her, just torn at what he wants) he swears to God he feels Josh's little smirk against his lips.
he pulls away with tender eyes and it's still Jenna Black.
But now she’s Jenna Joseph.
It occurs to him that he'd let himself say "fifth crush" in front of Josh Dun. he's terrified as he dances with his best friend but it feels like home.
Dancing with Jenna Black feels like safety but he's not sure he wants safety.
And "Jenna Joseph" doesn't sound as good as he'd thought it would. (he thinks he likes Tyler Dun or Josh Joseph a lot though.)
Maybe he should've come out a long, long time ago. Maybe it would've been okay. But he's already married and divorce is a messy business his parents would never approve of.
he's almost lost in his thoughts and the songs and dancing with Daddy and Mom and Ashley and his wife and Lynn Gunn and Jordan and Liv and everyone. Then he sees Josh Dun kissing Ashley and he wants to cry. he really does when Josh Dun starts counting.
Tyler Black hears his best friend puke and he sobs into his knees.
"See, Grandma? You were wrong."