Thank You
TAYLOR
Blood. Deep, dark, red blood that lands in puddles on the floor. It's pouring out of my ears and my eyes and it's on my pants and it's on the sheets and now Calvin is yelling and I don't know why any of this is happening. My head spins because it's not Calvin that's yelling, it's Travis, and he's yelling at me to go go go and to get out of his car and his head and his life. And then hot breath hits my neck and I know it's Calvin this time because I can smell him, I can smell the beer and the cologne and they're mixing together and I think I might be sick because the blood keeps flowing and now he's screaming in my ear that I'm disgusting and he doesn't want to sleep in my filth which doesn't make sense because we're not in bed I'm in Travis's car and eating a cheeseburger and ketchup is dripping onto my shirt but it's not ketchup, it's blood, and it's dark and red and deep and then Calvin's breath is on my neck again but when I turn around he's not there and the blood keeps gushing and dripping from my eyes like tears. I can't see anymore but I can feel the breath hot hot hot on my neck but he's not there and it's not real but Travis is yelling and yelling and yelling and I don't understand what I've done wrong and his hands are on my neck and they're closing and tightening and I can't breathe and I can't think and I can feel Calvin breathing on my neck and it's hot hot hot-
A scream pulls me out of my dream and it takes me a few moments to realise that it was my own. I look around the room which is strange and unfamiliar and my eyes land on a clock on the bedside table. 9:47, it says. I'm wearing the same clothes as yesterday, except my sweater is gone and when I glance around I can't see it. My fingers trail up to my neck, where the breath was, but it's cold. There was no breath there because there is no Calvin here. Calvin is gone, I remind myself. He is gone and he's not coming back.
This makes me think of Travis, and so I slowly stand up and tiptoe to the door, in case he's still asleep. I don't remember us having a conversation about me staying here, I guess it was just something we both accepted. I don't have anywhere else to go. Being with Calvin meant fear and sadness and silence, I know that. But that fear and sadness and silence was all I had. Calvin drunk to much, and said too much, and liked to hurt too much, but he was mine and I was his. It was an agreement we had come to, he hurts me and in exchange I get to love him. Now this agreement is broken, and he is not mine anymore, but every part of me feels as if I am still his. Isn't it his handprint on my throat, and his face in my mind? He is not here, but the darkness still is, and the sadness and the silence and the bruises, too. A deep pain washes over me as I pull the door open. I don't want to be his. But I always will be. There is no amount of light that can flush out this darkness.
I listen at every door down the hallway, just in case Travis is inside of one. It's not until I get to the kitchen and see the note on the counter that I realise he has gone. I hug my hands around my chest and long for my sweater and just stand staring at it for a few moments. The tiles are cold and I look down at my cat socks. Abigail gave them to me at Christmas. I wriggle my toes and the ears go up and down and up and down. I keep staring at the socks until I finally decide to read the note. I slowly walk over to it, and pick it up in my hands. His handwriting is messy but I can read it just fine.
Gone out for milk. I'll be back by 10.
Find something to eat - help yourself to anything in the kitchen.
Travis
Ps. Snoop as much as you want
My lips twitch and the smile feels heavy on my face. I trace my fingers over the words and take deep breaths. In and out. In and out. Calvin and Travis. Darkness and light. Blood and tears. The ticking of a clock clears my head, and I force myself to walk over to the fridge, even though I know I won't eat anything. I can already feel the weight of the cheeseburger from last night in my stomach, and I cringe. I made a bad, bad choice. I can feel the sugar and the fats in my thighs already.
I close the fridge, which is mostly full of meat and pickled stuff, and sit down on a stool. My fingers tap the counter. I don't like being here without Travis. I think about his suggestion of snooping, but decide against it. It wouldn't feel right. I question why I'm here in the first place. Travis is my friend, but I've only known him for a month. I remember the feeling of his lips on mine. I wonder if he brought me here because he thinks we will kiss more now that Calvin's gone. But he doesn't know that the darkness and sadness and silence and bruises and red red blood and hot hot hot breath is still here even though Calvin is not. I pinch at my arms until the tight feeling in my chest loosens a bit. I glance around this room and see a framed picture of a woman that can only be his mother, and a small baby that can only be him.
That's when I hear a car pull in the driveway, and my whole body relaxes. Travis is here, and it will all be okay. He said it will and I believe him because he is good and pure and kind and has framed pictures of his mother and magic eyes and long limbs and gentle hands. I stand awkwardly in the kitchen until he walks in.
He's wearing a plaid shirt and a soft smile. I try to smile back but it doesn't feel right.
"How was your sleep?" He asks, and his eyes flicker to the mark I know is on my throat.
"Good," I say, but my voice is small and croaky.
"I'm glad, did you see my note?" He asks, placing a grocery bag on the counter and sitting down on a stool next to me. I nod.
"Good, because once I got to the store I was afraid that I'd put it in a place you wouldn't see." He's laughing now, but it's quiet and short.
I don't say anything even though I want to, so a silence falls. I want to tell him about everything but I can't. I don't know why.
"I was thinking about how you don't have any of your things, and so I was wondering if you wanted me to go back and get them." He says, and my palms feel wet with what I'm pretty sure is blood. I look down and see that it's only sweat.
"No, thank you." I say, because he can't go back there, he's too good and too bright and that place is filled with anger and pain and darkness. He nods with understanding but his eyes look tired. I pull at the skin around my fingers.
The silence falls again and I am falling too because I can see the lines on his face and the sadness in his stare.
"Taylor?" He starts, and I look up from my fingers and meet his eyes. "You can stay here for as long as you want, okay?"
My head pangs and I nod. "Thank you, Travis. You've been very good to me. I'm sure that you'll be regretting saying that after a while of living with me, though." I laugh a little and it comes out all wrong and high pitched and scared.
His eyebrows tighten, "no, I wouldn't. Anyone would be very lucky to live with you."
I don't know what to say to that, because he is wrong, and I can feel that wrongness deep in my bones.
"Thanks, Travis," and it feels as if I've spent the last 10 minutes thanking him for things. "I can probably just live with my Mom for a bit until I get everything sorted out."
He nods and that's when it hits me. Mom. She was meant to be coming over for dinner today, but she can't go to my house because it's filled with darkness and blood and silence. My heart drops through my stomach and into the floor and further down down down until it falls through the Earth and is among the stars.
"Travis, my Mom was meant to come over!" I say, but he just looks at me blankly. He doesn't understand. "She's going to go to Calvin's house and I'm not there and I don't have my phone!" I say, and as it comes out my heart drops further and further until it's not near any stars and it has fallen out of the universe completely. I can feel the panic bubbling in my chest and Travis steps forward and reaches out to take my hand but I flinch back.
"It's okay, Taylor. You can call her on my phone and tell her to come here." I let this sink in and slowly nod. Travis knows what to do and he always knows what to do and it will all be okay.
He hands me his iPhone and I punch in the numbers and before I know it my Moms voice is in my ears and I think I might cry.
"Momma?" I say, and the fear bubbles pop a bit.
"Taylor? Is that you sweetheart?" Her voice is warm and I let it fill me up.
"Yes, Mom. I'm not at my house." I say, and there's a silence on the other line.
"Okay, honey. Is something wrong?" I nod but then realise she can't see me. I can feel tears clawing at my throat and the back of my eyes. I glance around for Travis, who is busying himself with unpacking the groceries.
"Yes, Calvin and I- we broke up. I'm staying at a friends. Can you come here for dinner?"
"Of course I can. Is this her phone that you're calling me on?"
I cringe because Travis isn't a her and of course Mom doesn't know that because all my friends are girls. My chest pangs because this is no different; Travis and I aren't just friends, I can feel it in my fluttery stomach and his soft smiles.
"This is his phone. I'll send you the address." I say, even though I know how it sounds. Mom will think that Travis and I are together, which we are not, and we can't ever be because I'm with the darkness and the silence and the bruises and they'll never leave me.
"Oh, sorry dear. Yes, send me the address, that would be lovely." A pang hits my side. I miss my Mom.
"Okay, Mom, I'll see you then, okay?" My voice cracks on the last word because I can still feel Calvin's hands around my throat. He's tightening and he's tightening and oh god I can't breathe.
"Is everything alright, Taylor? You sound a bit sad."
I swallow hard. "I'm alright. I'll see you at dinner." I blink back tears because I've been sounding sad for the past two years and I always will.
I hang up the phone and take a deep breath. Travis has left the room and I can hear the shower running upstairs. I don't know where to put his phone so I clutch it awkwardly in my hands. My stomach grumbles so I make my way over the fridge. I think of last nights cheeseburger. I close the fridge.
I sit down at the counter and watch the clock tick tock tick tock tick tock until Travis is back and so are his crinkly eyes.
"Did you sort everything out?" He asks, and his voice has gone all milky, just like it did back before he knew about the darkness.
"Yes," I say, my eyes wandering to his wet hair. "She's coming over here tonight, if that's okay."
He smiles and it looks like sunshine. "Of course it is."
"I can probably go home with her after."
His smile drops and now the sunshine is gone and it's cold cold cold.
"You don't have to. You can stay here for as long as you want."
I nod because I know. I know he'll let me stay at his house and eat his food and wear his clothes and he won't complain once but I can't because the darkness is with me and it follows me wherever I go, and he is too bright to be smothered with my pain and my bruises.
"Thank you, Travis." I say, and I mean it. Thank you. Thank you thank you thank you thank you. I want to say it a million billion times until he understands and he can see that I don't deserve this and he is too good to me.
Thank you.