Truth, Dare, Spin Bottles
TAYLOR
The guys have gone fishing after dinner, and I breathe a sigh of relief. Gigi and I are cuddling under the blankets because we just went for a swim. Her hair's all wet and when she turns to talk to Jessica is flings at me and sticks to my shoulder. I'm thankful to have Gigi here. It makes things feel normal even though I know they're not.
She's been more gentle with me lately, and I'm scared she knows. She saw the bruises, but didn't question me anymore after I snapped at her. I know I should want people to find out, that I should ask for help or something, but I want to keep it a secret. I need to keep it a secret. If people find out that Calvin is the reason for all the bruises, they won't understand. They'll think he's a monster, but he's not. He's just trying to help me. Anyway, it's usually my fault. I do something stupid and he calls me out for it. He only yells and hits so that I won't forget. He always tells me that I need him, and I think it must be true. I'm nothing without him.
But there's also a small part of me that knows what he does is wrong. That's why I know that other people won't understand, and therefore can never find out. If they find out they'll make me leave him, and then I'll be nothing. I need him. Because after it happens he buys me pretty things and kisses me on my eyelids and tells me I'm the most beautiful girl in the world. He makes love to me and asks me how he got so lucky. When he does that I think my heart might explode with how much I love him.
So when Gigi turns back to me, I smile at her, because she can never know.
"Hey girls.." Shanelle walks in holding a bottle of something expensive. "Tequila!".
We all cheer as she pours us shots. I lean into Gigi and she giggles as Shanelle passes us our glasses.
"To summer!" Jessica says, and we throw our heads back in unison. I swallow down the liquid and it burns in my throat. In a few seconds I feel a buzz, though, which makes it all better.
"I love you, girls." I say, which is true. Except for Shanelle. She still rubs me wrong way.
"Love you too, Tay!" Gigi says, as Jessica takes our glasses and pours us more.
We take shot after shot after shot, until I forget about all the bruises and laugh truly. I feel giddy, and giggles bubble in my throat.
"Let's play truth or dare." I announce, and everyone agrees. We decide Gigi has to go first, because it makes sense to our drunken brains.
"Truth or dare," I ask her, but my voice sounds strange and slow, and I fumble over each word.
"Mmm, dare." She says, and we all giggle in unison. Shanelle, Jessica and I huddle together.
"What should we make her do?" Jessica says, far too loudly. I wince as she speaks right into my ears.
"Jump in the pool?" I suggest. The girls think it over. "Nah, nevermind. That's too mean."
We eventually decide that Gigi has to lick Shanelle's foot, and laughter echoes throughout the house as she bends down and does it. Shanelle jerks her foot away.
"It tickles!" I smile and my cheeks hurt from laughing.
"Okay, Shanelle, your go." Jessica says, taking another sip of her drink. "Truth or dare?"
Shanelle thinks for a second and then says, "truth!"
There's no need for discussion this time because Gigi blurts out: "Who do you have a crush on?" Shanelle's mouth goes wide like she doesn't want to answer, but her eyes say otherwise. "A couple nights ago you were talking about how you liked a guy but you weren't sure if he liked you. Who is it?!"
We all lean in close, and I can't help but feel so high school.
"Ughh! You guys suck!" Shanelle giggles and hides her face behind a pillow. "Fine, but you have to promise not to tell anyone! This stays between us girls, okay!"
"Yes!" We all agree and I sip my drink.
She's silent for a second, leaving us all in suspense. I know she's loving every second of this and I don't blame her. I miss just being a girl with a crush.
"It's Travis!"
"Ahh!!" Jessica and Gigi erupt, and jump up. My blood runs cold.
"Oh my god, Nel!! You guys would be so cute!" Gigi says, and Shanelle buries her head in her pillow once more.
I feel like I'm gonna be sick. My alcohol filled brain is still smart enough to fake a smile, but inside I may as well be dead. I don't know why I feel this way. It's not like I have a crush on Travis, or anything. It's just that I can't picture him with Shanelle. Or maybe it's that I can picture him with Shanelle, and that scares me.
My skin feels hot, and my chest is so tight I doubt it will ever come loose. The girls carry on with the game, and my skin prickles when I realize it's my turn.
"Truth or dare, Taylor?" Jessica slurs her words and leans close, staring intently at my eyes.
"Um, I don't know. Truth." I run my fingers along the rim of my glass. Shanelle laughs at something Gigi says and I want to crawl into a hole and disappear. But then I take another shot and that feeling goes away.
"Ah, this is so hard!" All three of them have huddled in a circle and are whispering about what to ask me.
"I give up." Gigi says, and picks up her phone, "I'm going to google some questions."
They hover over her phone and finally decide on a question. My chest bubbles with excitement.
"Okay, Taylor. What's one thing you wish you could change about your body?"
The bubbles in my chest pop. What the fuck? That's a stupid question. My stomach clenches. I hesitate, and the girls stare at me expectantly.
"Um," I start, "I don't know. Sometimes I wish I were, like- smaller. But my body's just my body, you know. It's not perfect but I'm not gonna cry about it." My words jumble together a bit, and I feel their eyes on me. "Like of course I wish I could change stuff but I'm not starving myself or anything."
I try to laugh but it doesn't feel right. It's too loud, too desperate. I find myself searching their faces for validation. They stare at me for a second, then burst into giggles.
"You're so dramatic, Tay." Jessica slurs, tossing her hair.
But my throat tightens, the air suddenly feeling suffocating. That was stupid. Why did I say that?
I take another shot. The feeling goes away.
I start to feel warm, and light, like electricity is running through my veins. "Jessica's go!" I say, and lean my head on Gigi's lap.
"Umm, dare." We all giggle with excitement as we huddle over Shanelle's phone. I point at one, although I can't read it very well. I'm not wearing my contacts.
"We dare you to prank call one of the guys! And it can't be your boyfriend!"
Jessica's eyes sparkle, and she whips out her phone. "I know exactly who to call!" She winks at Shanelle and my stomach tightens.
"What should I say?" Jessica looks at me and I shrug.
"Tell him Shanelle's dead or something." Gigi says, twisting her hair around her finger. They all laugh and I do too. Shanelle protests but eventually gives in. Jessica presses something on her phone, and we go silent.
I hear his voice and my head goes fuzzy.
"Hey, Jess? What's up?"
"Oh!" She giggles, "Travis! Shanelle's dead." The whole group erupts laughing, Gigi kicks her feet and knocks over some of our glasses. I don't laugh, because his milky voice is making me feel all heavy. I think I might pass out.
"What do you mean? Is everything okay?"
I can hear genuine concern in his voice. We laugh more in response to his question.
"Are you guys drunk?" The concern is gone, and what's left is amusement.
"Nooooooo," Shanelle says, and then pulls her hands to her mouth quickly, "oops! I forgot, I'm dead."
Jessica laughs hysterically. I pour myself another shot, and drink it quickly. It burns all the way down my throat, and I can feel it like fire in my stomach.
Jessica hangs up, and we all laugh. I giggle and the heaviness goes away. Actually, I think I might float.
I hear the opening notes of Dancing Queen from Gigi's speakers, and I jump in the air.
"Lets dance!" I pull Jessica up and we all start drunkenly swaying to the music, and singing it at the top of our lungs. At some point we move into the living room, and we dance and sing to the next four songs. I feel weightless, and free. Gigi grabs my hand, and spins me around, and I giggle, letting myself go.
Then I stumble and fall into the couch. Everyone laughs, and I giggle uncontrollably.
"Ok, lightweight, I think you're done for the night." Jessica says, helping me up. "Time for bed."
The music stops, and I wobble all the way to my room, my head spinning but in a good way. I fumble at my shoelaces, but give up when I realize I'm too tired to take them off. I flop onto my bed, and watch the shadows cross the ceiling as the other girls walk to their rooms. I smile to myself, my skin feeling all warm, and tingly.
Tonight almost felt normal.
Suddenly I'm just a drunk girl who had a fun night with her friends. I smile to myself and pull the covers over my head.
But then, in the dark, the room sways, and a sharp thought cuts through my haze. Calvin would be so mad if he knew how much I drank.
My stomach clenches, but then Travis's voice runs through my head. Are you guys drunk? I could hear the smile in his voice when he said it. I let the alcohol pull me under as I think of him.