Tainted Heart

Life has many ways of messing things up when you least expect it. When you're the happiest you've been all your life, something always has to come and fuck it up. But in a way you know its your own fault. In this case, its Kelley's fault.

She finds herself under the apologetic stare of one of her best friends and the meanacing glare of her girlfriend. Kelley can't quite figure out if its a look of hurt or if she's just pissed.

I mean Kelley doesn't blame her, she can't. How could she forget something so important?

Alex and Tobin had invited them to Portland for a weekend, which Kelley had so excitedly agreed to. Hope wasn't too sure if it was a good idea and was a little pissed that Kelley had agreed before even asking her about it. But after a little begging (Hope can never resist her girlfriend begging) that led them to the bedroom, she just agreed.

They decided to drive down since it wasn't too far. Kelley had said something about enjoying the scenery that Washington and Oregon had to offer. Either way Hope wasn't a big fan of flying, so it didn't take much convincing on Kelley's part.

It had been a stressful day to say the least. Kelley wanted to stop almost every time she saw something she wanted to take a picture of, or with. It should have bothered Hope to no end, but she wouldn't - and couldn't - get bothered by it. Seeing Kelley getting excited about the little things was the most beautiful experience Hope's ever had. The pure happiness Kelley got out of a selfie they had taken by a tree. When they stopped for gas, Kelley had bought two keychains that consisted of a heart, one with the letter K and one with the letter H. She took the time to gain Hope's undivided attention just to explain to what they meant.

"This one is for you to keep," she had handed the one with the K to her, "and this one is for me to keep. This way I will always have you in my heart and you always have me in yours." She had gave her a chaste kiss and walked away with the biggest, most satisfied smile on her face.

Hope's heart swealed with love. She had just stood there for a minute looking at the heart keychain. She had smiled and looked up when Kelley had yelled at her to hurry her little ass up. She had walked up to kelley and brought their lips together for a more than a chaste kiss.

"I love you," Hope had said.

"I figured," Kelley had said back with a laugh. They got in the car and drove the little distance they had left to Portland. Where Kelley's bestfriends had been anxiously awaiting the couple.

They had a good weekend. Friday they went to dinner and then back to Tobin and Alex's apartment to rest. The next day they spent sightseeing, ending up at a soccer game and concluding their night with a trip to one of Tobin's favorite bar afterwards. Hope had actually enjoyed herself quite a bit, it had surprised her how easy Kelley's friends were to get along with.

But the weekend was long over with and, in a way, completely ruined. It started as innocent conversation as they sat having Sunday brunch before Kelley and Hope began the drive back to Seattle:

"So Kell when do you go back to college? Soon right?" Tobin said making conversation, taking a bite of her fruit not noticing the two figures in front of her look up and the turn to look at each other in surprise. "You guys ready to do the long distance thing?" Tobin asked looking up only be kicked in the shin before she said anything else.

"Alex! What was that for!" She said turning to her girlfriend, she nodded her head to where the other couple was just staring at eachother. More like Hope glaring and Kelley just opening and closing her mouth trying to come up with something to say.

No one had said a word for a good few minutes so Kelley decided to break the silence.

"Look Hope I'm sorry I didn't say anything, it wasn't because I didn't want to say anything I just total-" she was interrupted by Hope.

"Can we not do this right now, please?" Hope got up and looked at Tobin and Alex who followed and stood up. "Thanks for a great weekend, but it's time we to the road, it's getting late." She said goodbye to Alex and Tobin and then looked at Kelley.

"I'll be waiting in the car," was all she said before she walked away, leaving Kelley to stare at her leaving figure sadly.

"Tobin really!!" Alex said with a slap on Tobin's arm as soon as Hope was out of sight.

"Ouuch!! Its not like I did it on purpose! How was I supposed to know she didn't know?" Tobin said rubbing her arm where Alex had not so softly slapped.

"No its okay Al, it wasn't her fault. I ... I should have said something. I guess I just I forgot, how could I forget something so important?" Kelley said on the verge of tears.

Alex reached out and brought her friend in for a hug. Tobin just patted her back trying to calm her friend. She felt guilty for blurting out something that wasn't hers to say, but how was she supposed to know...

"Well, wish me luck guys. It's going to be a hell of a trip back." She said smiling sadly.

"I'm sorry Kell, I didn't know she didn't know..." Tobin trailed off apologetically, rubbing her neck in her nervous way.

"Its ok Tobs, not your fault," Kelley said giving her friend a hug goodbye. "I'll call you guys when I get back. That's if I make it there alive."

The three of them laughed nervously, Kelley was trying to ease herself but it just wasn't helping. They said their goodbyes and Kelley took a deep breath to gather herself before heading to where they had parked Hope's car earlier.

"Way to fucking go O'Hara," Kelley said a little too loud, "I'm so stupid how could I forget." She was now talking to herself, something she did way too often. She reached the car, Hope was already in there waiting for her with the car on. She climbed in the passenger side, buckled herself and, was about to start apologizing, when the music of the radio got turned up.

"I guess we're not doing this right now..." Kelley mumbled, she knew Hope had heard her but she had ignored it and just started driving.

They had about an hour left to get home and Kelley had fallen sleep almost as soon as they had left. It was a silent relief to Hope. She needed a little time for herself before she talked to Kelley. She needed to think about what this meant for them.

Hope had stopped for gas, she thought about waking Kelley up but decided against it. When she came back in the car Kelley started to wake up.

"Do you need the restroom before we leave here?" Hope asked.

Kelley just shook her head no.

"Here I got you this in case you got thirsty," Hope spoke again handing her the water bottle and the chocolate milk, this time Kelley smiled at her.

"Thank you." was all kelley said and then there was that aweful silence again that she hated. Though this time it only lasted about 5 minutes before Hope broke it.

"I had the right to know before all this. Before I... before we started to build something," Hope sighed "why didn't you tell me?" Her tone sounded more sad than anything else.

"I know its hard to believe but I didn't mean to not tell you... Believe me when I say I honestly, completely forgot. I was so caught up living in the moment I just I forgot that I was even supposed to go back. I was so busy falling in love with you that all that mattered in the moment was you and I. I'm so, so sorry Hope," Kelley was now starting to feel her eyes brimming with tears.

"So what now? You leave back to college and what am I supposed to do Kelley?" Hope asked sadly. She knew she was being selfish, it wasn't easy for Kelley either. But knowing she had to leave and didn't care to mention it, that hurt. On top of that she didn't want her to leave, it hurt to know she was going to leave.

"It's not like I'm not used to the leaving... But you, I love you. And I don't want you to leave. I don't want you to go Kell."

Kelley was silently crying at the way Hope's voice had broken when she had said that she was used to the leaving, presumably of people she loved. It had made her feel like the most terrible person in the world. How could she go back and leave her behind? Kelley knew for sure she didn't want to leave. And she felt terrible thinking about asking Hope to do long distance. Kelley knew she didn't want to leave Seattle, but mostly she didn't want to leave Hope.

"I'm sorry," she said quietly through her tears. They stayed quiet for the rest of the ride, Hope going to Kelley's house to drop her off. Kelley was a little surprised, she would spend most nights at Hope's, but considering they weren't in the best place Hope had thought a little space was much needed.

"Let me know when you're home, please?" Kelley looked at Hope who was just staring out the window, she reached over and touched her hand giving it a squeeze. Hope turned to face her a little startled by the touch. She smiled sadly and nodded.

"Goodnight," Kelley said getting out of the car not even bothering, or remembering, to get her stuff from the back of Hope's trunk.

"Goodnight," and then she drove off to the nearest bar she could find. Before she went in, she called the only person who could give her comfort.

"Hey, missed me already?" Carli said in the most annoying voice she could muster. She heard nothing but a a little sob coming from the other end, "Hope what's wrong?"

"She's leaving me Carli... She's moving back to the other side of the fucking country and... She let me fall for her..." Hope was now crying, all Kelley had said was I'm sorry. What the hell was she supposed to do with an 'I'm sorry'? "and she's leaving me."

"Where are you Hope?" Carli asked quickly. "Tell me where you're at, I'm coming to you."

Life really does have a way of fucking up when things are going your way. Hope was great example of that, every time her life was going great something would come along and mess it up in a really fucked up way. The universe was against her.

At least that's how it felt for Hope.