If You Are but a Dream
”I think we’ll soon need to have the talk.” Therese looked at Gen nonplussed. “What talk?” she asked not quite sure if she even wanted to know what she was referring to. “About the bees and the bees.” A mile-wide grin appeared on her friend’s face. “You freaking out at the mere sight of a bed raises some serious questions. You need to own it, girlfriend!”
Therese shook her head in disbelief. “I can’t believe we’re talking about this.” She had pulled yet another all-nighter on Dannie’s Steinway and it showed. She had, nevertheless, shined at her piano lesson leaving the Dragon Lady clearly impressed. “Seems to me you’ve found your piece though I’m somewhat surprised you chose to go with this one.” Now she was exhausted, longing to crawl to her bed she’d been neglecting far too long.
“I’m in no mood for jokes, Gen, not now.” She felt stupid about the entire incident, and she wished she hadn’t said a word of it to her. “It’s not a joke, Therese, I do feel for you. With all the mixed messages and stuff, no wonder you went off your rocker for a second.” Gen’s a doll, she thought smiling at her.
“Yo girls, need a top up?” Smiling Dannie appeared by their table. “No thanks, I’m delirious enough”, replied Therese her tiredness clearly showing. “You’ve been busy with the piano. Caught a few bars this morning and it sounded seriously good.” Dannie pulled a chair to join them.
“I saw Richard this morning. He wasn’t a happy camper…” Dannie gave Therese a concerned look. “Everything alright?” Therese shrugged averting his eyes. “I’m fine. It wasn’t going anywhere, anyway.” She knew she sounded cold and uncaring. “Well, it’s none of my business but he’s a mess. He sure loves you, you know?” But I don’t love him, Therese wanted to point out yet refrained from doing so. Richard was Dannie’s friend, after all. She had met him through Richard. “I know but it just wasn’t working anymore.” Getting up Dannie squeezed her shoulder sympathetically. “If there’s anything I can do, let me know, will you?” Therese smiled warmly at him. “Of course, but don’t worry, I’m okay.”
Therese called Carol to confirm their rehearsal time for the next afternoon. Carol sounded preoccupied over the phone hardly speaking at all. Perplexed Therese switched the phone off and got ready for bed. Despite uneasy feelings she soon fell into a dead sleep.
She awakened to a sound she was sure she'd heard though nothing in the impenetrable darkness of her quiet room gave her reason to think so. Great, I’m hearing voices now, she concluded reaching for the light switch behind the bed.
Heating up a bowl of noodles she was overtaken by an inexplicable sorrow, an undefinable premonition which spread its gloomy wings all over her being. It seeped through her marrow, her very essence she had tried so flawlessly to keep intact all these years. The cracks begin to show, she mused not knowing where it all came from.
She had to work that night and she was happy to do so. Dannie’s was positively buzzing with customers, a welcome change for a week night, and for once she was delighted to be busy mixing her cocktails, serving them to a grateful crowd. Smiling faces, easy laughter, small talk over the counter.
Dannie was passing on flyers advertising Saturday’s club night, “a low profile launch” he was quick to add to anyone interested. Carol’s elegant profile adorned the posters on the bar room walls, the product of her recent photo shoot no doubt. Carol’s lips an enthralling display of crimson, her blindingly blonde tresses nearly flowing over the sides of the glossy print.
Therese couldn’t escape her presence even if she’d wanted to nor could the clients sitting under Carol’s incandescence. Her being there, even if only as poster, commanded reverence and reverence it was certainly rewarded. Was she the artist who was to perform here on Saturday night? Yes, she replied again and again to each and every one ordering a shot, a beer, a cocktail. A drink on their hands they would linger by the bar counter asking further questions. Who was she and what was she like? What kind of music did she perform? If she was any good didn’t seem to matter as if the mere mortals consuming their liquor were already aware of the absurdity of the question. “The show time is at 11”, Dannie reminded if Therese forgot to point it out clearly enough. They would all flock in like vultures fighting for the seats on the front row, she thought suddenly disgusted by the idea of them gawking shamelessly at Carol.
Next day she arrived at Carol’s unpleasantly aware of the knot in her stomach. She was clutching an invitation to her upcoming recital in her hand when the elevator door slid open. Expecting to see Carol she was welcomed by Abby instead. “Hello, we’ve been expecting you.” Her smile was easy, relaxed. “I’m not late, am I?” Therese asked knowing full well she wasn’t. “Oh no, we’re just happy to see you, that’s all.” Carol was standing on the background not saying anything. “Come on in.”
Therese had meant to give the invite to Carol but slipped it into her rucksack instead. She had a bad feeling about this. Seeking Carol’s gaze she followed them into the music room and set her things on the floor by the grand piano. “I thought I’d sit in today if you don’t mind. I’m curious to hear what you’ve come up with.” Abby took a seat right behind Therese who did mind her presence terribly. Carol kept her eyes on the sheet music. “Let’s take If You Are but a Dream… from the intro.”
If you are but a dream
I hope I never waken,
It's more than I could bear
To find that I'm forsaken.
Therese could feel the hair on the back of her neck stand on end.
If you're a fantasy
Then I'm content to be
In love with lovely you,
And pray my dream comes true.
Carol still wouldn’t look at Therese even though her entire body was bristling.
I long to kiss you
But I would not dare,
I'm so afraid that
You may vanish in the air,
(I’m going to kill Abby. In the music room. With my bare hands.)
So darling,
If our romance should break up,
I hope I never wake up,
If you are but a dream…
“Bravo! Simply stunning – not that I expected anything less from you, darling.” Abby beamed at Carol who poured herself a drink from a familiar looking bottle of rye. There wasn’t a lot left in it, Therese noticed. Carol’s hands shook slightly as she lifted the glass on her lips.
“And you were good, too – very good, indeed”, she added turning to Therese looking slightly apologetic for leaving her out from her first remark. Too little, too late, Therese thought gathering storm clouds over her already darkened mood.
The rehearsal took what seemed like an agonizing eternity to her. Carol ignored her – that much was obvious. Very well then, she decided, have it your way. Fuming with anger she practically threw her things together ready to get out, ready to walk out of this undeserved, unfair treatment she had been subjected to. Too bad you can’t slam an elevator door.
“There’s one small thing we haven’t yet talked about,” started Abby. What now, she sighed impatiently. “Your fee. What we’re willing to pay for your services.” Therese felt hot under her collar. She shot an angry glance at Carol who finally met her gaze looking helpless and lost. “Well, why don’t you send me an email about it, I’m sure whatever you have in your mind will be just dandy”. Storming out of the room she could feel yet another emotion surfacing, a feeling of abandonment and despair rising from her throat in a single sob.
Therese headed to the Central Park as she needed to be alone, to truly grasp what had just happened. She made damn sure she couldn’t be seen from Carol’s window before breaking down altogether, giving in to tears of utter loneliness and heartache. She couldn’t understand a first thing about it, and not understanding made her feel guilty as a child scolded for something she simply couldn’t yet comprehend.
“I brought donuts, chocolate and coffee. And candy, that goes without saying.” Setting a large grocery bag within an easy reach Gen sat beside her on the park bench and took a sip from her take away cup. “Weren’t you supposed to be somewhere?” Therese whispered her face all puffed up and red. “Eh, don’t worry about it… Alex will take care of it.” Alex was Gen’s girlfriend. “Now tell me everything. Don’t leave anything out, we’ll need a big picture here.” We. Therese was relieved to know there were still some wes left for her.
"First she's all hot and bothered, seriously ready to get it on and now she's channeling an ice queen... Well, who the fuck is she? Some sort of a Hitchcock blonde, eh?" Gen scoffed at the obvious contradiction. "This just doesn't make any sense." She leaned forward to rest her elbows on her knees.
"No shit, sherlock." Therese saw no point in hiding her frustration. "And with that you've just hit the nail on the head since you're talking to the foremost gossip sleuth of the Manhattan dyke scene." Gen seemed very proud of herself all of a sudden.
"Yeah? Since when?" Therese rolled her swollen eyes. "Well, since always but that's not the point. I just happen to know this Abby character is at least not your competition." Therese looked at her increduously. "I have it from a reliable source that Abigail Gerhard has been seen wining and dining a certain Ms. Moneybags who owns a string of steakhouses around the continent." This time there were absolutely no limits to Gen's affable smugness. "Our beloved Miss Gerhard must be one meat and potatoes kinda gal." Therese's dimples were making a wary comeback.
"Could it be..? Yes! She smiles!" Gen exclaimed pretending to do a victory lap around the bench. "So the question remains what on earth happened after you had left Carol's digs the other night?" Therese looked none the wiser. "Okay, dear Abby catches you ogling at each other and figures it out right away - looking at you it's a definite no-brainer - and proceeds to talk some sense into her friend. Are you with me so far?" Therese nodded sheepishly. "Just why she decides to do it remains shrouded in mystery but who knows, incredibly rich people are incredibly fucked up... I know a thing or two about it myself. Here, have a tissue." Therese wiped her nose and leaned her head on Gen's shoulder.
"She's newly divorced, finally free from a seriously messed up marriage, has a child on the verge of adolescence, rebooting her career... There's a lot at stake in here." Therese took a deep breath, her first in a very long time it seemed. She hadn't been thinking clearly, she realized it now. The change in Carol's behavior had indeed taken place immediately after Abby's interference. She had already sensed it in her voice over the phone and it had made her miserable even though she had tried to put up a happy or at least a hopeful face.
Tears welling up again Therese began to sob uncontrollably. How could she possibly beat the odds Gen had just laid out for her? This was the big picture as well as the close up - she meant nothing to Carol. Karma, the Wicked Bitch of the East and West, hit her back sooner than she thought: it was she who couldn't compete, and Richard was way better off without her sorry ass.
Gen pulled her closer and placed a kiss on her feverish temple. "C'mon, you'll stay with us for the night. I'll tuck you in."
Next afternoon Therese was back at the piano. She'd kissed Gen and Alex goodbye an hour earlier having convinced them she was not about to do anything stupid or at least not without them.
She was halfway into her recital number when she sensed someone standing behind her in the doorway. Her fingers left the keys immediately but she took her time turning around. "Sorry to disturb you but I thought I'd bring the papers for you to sign." Abby. Therese wouldn't care one way or another.
"I did try to call you but your phone is either dead or disconnected." The battery. She had forgotten to charge it in the midst of this turmoil. "Where do I sign." It really wasn't a question. "Can we sit down for a second? Have a drink or something?" Abby was watching her very closely. How about a Kamikaze. "On second thought, forget the drink. Let's just sit for a while." Can't wait to get out of here, huh. Tight-lipped Therese signed the papers not giving them one look.
"Therese, there's a thing you ought to know. I've known Carol ever since I was ten years old." Her smile was concerned, even caring. "I would never let anything or anyone hurt her. Not ever again, you hear?" Therese had no clue what she was talking about. Hurt Carol?
"But I think I've over reacted, I can see it now." Abby patted her hand in a way which reminded her of Carol. She had done the very same thing on their first rehearsal date. How tenderly friends mould each other over the years, over decades, simply by exchanging gestures, habits, likes and dislikes. A lifetime of shared experiences. Therese felt envious, jealous even. "It's not me you need to fear, you know", Abby said as if having read her mind.
"Do you have time to drop by at Carol's tomorrow afternoon? She'd like to go over some last minute changes." Abby had a mischievous smile on her face. "I won't be there tomorrow." Of course, Therese promised. After all they did have a contract now.
She picked up her things and got ready to leave. "The music you were playing when I got in... what's it for?" Smiling, Therese glanced at the piano. "I have my music school recital coming up on Sunday... yeah, I know, first our opening and then the recital the next day. Not much breathing room there."
"You know if you ever need representation as concert pianist, I'd be more than happy to do your bidding. A gorgeous girl like you tickling the ivories with a chic foreign sounding name," Abby drew an imaginary theatre marquee in the air, "we might just have a box office stampede." Grinning she waved her hand and disappeared into the front room. For a long time Therese could hear her talking to Dannie, going over all the details for Saturday. She didn't mind listening to her voice, didn't mind at all.