Chapter 2
Dr. Moore, and Mr. Phillips’ Classes were a blur, partly because I was mostly asleep, but also because of the unrelenting pressure of my anxiety.
“Dad said the arrangements have already been made, does that mean she knows. No shot, she probably doesn’t know about it yet” I think, but that sentiment can only take me so far, now I’m stood in front of Mr. Rogers’ classroom. I somehow find the courage to take the first step into Mr. Rogers class, and I just continue from there, one step at a time, and to my surprise nothing is different from all the other times I walk into class, that is until Stella looks up from her notebook, and locked eyes with me, after that exchange I take my normal seat in the back of the classroom, even though I’m not looking at her, I can feel her eyes staring at me, piercing thru my soul.
Stella is the perfect student, she always turns her work in on time, excels in every subject, and arrives at school early to tutor the underclassmen. I however am the opposite, I turn my work in late, sleep at every opportunity I get, and procrastinate almost every assignment.
After giving me the stare down of a lifetime Stella gathers her items and moves from her desk to the one next to mine.
“Guess I have to babysit you huh?” Stella teased.
I take a deep breath, preparing to put on a façade of my personality “Tsh” I scoff “We’re the same age, you’re just doing it for the ten bucks my parents are going to give you. The only reason this is happening in the first place is because my parents are overprotective”.
“Overprotective parents, that’s a good excuse, and its only partially the truth” I think.
“It’s fifteen bucks first of all” Stella corrected “and it’s not really babysitting because of your age but because of your behavior” Stella continued teasing.
My mood goes from lighthearted to extremely depressed, and gloomy in a heartbeat, as I am so caught off guard, I drop my façade. “How do you know about that” I whisper, looking around to see if anyone is listening in on our conversation.
Seeing my mood change so rapidly stella stops the teasing, fearing that she may have struck a nerve. “Well, it’s quite obvious, you don’t turn your work in on time, you’re always sleeping in class” Stella Whispered back “I’m not dumb”.
I breathe a sigh of relief, “She doesn’t actually know” I think. I quickly attempt to recover my façade of a personality. “Oh… that’s what you meant when you were referring to my behavior?”
“Yea… what did you think I was referring to?” Stella asked curiously.
“Nothing” I say a little too quickly “I was mistaken” I responded.
“Now I’m curious of what you thought it was.” Stella tried to pry, she really wanted to know what I was thinking of. Stella looked around to make sure no one was listening in and leaned closer to me. “Come on… just say what it is… I won’t tell a soul” Stella promised.
“She can see right thru me, she knows the real me, and when I not being genuine” I think “Just let it go, it’s personal business” I say with less volume.
“I promise I won’t tell anyone, I swear” Stella was starting to grow desperate to know, and she had a pleading look in her eyes. She wasn’t going to give this up.
“Fine” I say reluctantly “I’ll tell you after school” I say as a desperate attempt to delay the inevitable. “There’s no way I’m telling her the truth, but this’ll buy me enough time to create a believable lie” I think. This response seemed to satisfy Stella for the time being, but I’ll have to face her at some point.
Moments later the tardy bell rings, and Mr. Rogers’ starts lecturing the class about the significance of the French and Indian war, and the role it played in American revolution. Stella is still sat next to me, Mr. Rogers probably doesn’t mind that she changed seats, given that she has an A in his class. Her notebook is neatly organized, her handwriting perfect. On the other hand I don’t even have my notebook out, Instead I’m drawing in my sketchbook, I draw characters mostly, but also sometimes landscapes and scenes. For some reason that is unknown to me, Stella is interested in what I’m drawing, I spot her looking at my sketchbook whenever her hand got a break from writing notes. Mr. Rogers finishes the lecture by announcing today’s assignment.
“Ok, I want you all to do the study guide to prepare for the unit test on Friday.” Mr. Rogers announced the class. Before returning to his desk in the corner of the room. I shut my sketchbook and shove it to the corner of my desk; I don’t want to put it away because I might get bored of the study guide.
“How do you learn anything if you’re too busy drawing and doing anything but pay attention” Stella teases.
I shrug, “I can muti-task” I argue. “And I’ve got a good memory, so… no need for notes” I retort.
Stella facepalms “You’re helpless” she jokes.
“Whatever” I mumble, then return to my assignment.
The rest of the class is uneventful, until the bell for lunch rings and everyone shuffles to the door to leave. I walk down the hallway and Stella follows behind me, closer than she would on any other day.
“This is just a coincidence, there’s no way she’s following me” I think as I approach the end of the hallway. I soon get to the point where everyone turns right to go to the cafeteria, but instead I turn left to go to spend my lunchtime in the library. Compared to the suffocating amount of people in the hallway hallway, the library is a sanctuary. It was in fact so peaceful, for a moment I forget that Stella is following me.
I whip around “What’re you doing” I snarl at Stella.
“What… it’s illegal to eat lunch with you now” Stella retorts.
“I prefer to be alone” I lie through my teeth.
“of course I’d rather spend time with Stella, but spending time socializing with people opens to doors to potential uncomfortable situations, situations in which I make a fool of myself, where I don’t know what to say, where all I want to is c-“ I stop my thought, fearing I’m going too far.
“The truth is nobody like to be alone… no matter what they tell themselves” Stella remarks, dropping the teasing, and jokes for a moment of seriousness.
“Fine,… But I do not lie to myself” I lie again.
“Whatever you say, Lindy” Stella says in a sarcastic voice, before returning to following me.
We settle into a quiet corner of the library in the back, I sit on the side that allows my back to face the wall, so I can see the rest of the room in front of me. Stella opens her lunchbag, rummaging through it before pulling out a turkey sandwich wrapped in saran wrap. I in turn take out my sketchbook and pencils.
“Not going to eat?” Stella asked.
I shrug “Don’t really eat lunch, not usually hungry” I spit out another lie.
“What’s so special about drawing” Stella asked. She sounded so genuinely interested in me, and my activities that my heart skipped a beat. I forgot what it’s like to have someone’s interest, someone’s attention.
“I don’t know, I guess when I draw characters, or scenes, I want to be someone else, or somewhere else.” Stella’s genuine interest in me makes me want to be honest, open, so that is what I give her in return, then I realize that sounds psychotic, so I start to backtrack. “Well, I don’t really do it often… only when I’m bored.”
“No I get it, like when you’re watching tv show, and you really put yourself in the main characters shoes” Stella explained.
“Yea, just like that. I didn’t think you’d get what I was saying, but you described it perfectly”
“For your information “It” is called empathy, and everyone feels it dummy… well except maybe psychopaths” Stella said the last part sarcastically, but it directly contradicts my thoughts on sounding “Psychotic” earlier.
“She makes me feel so normal, almost like I never c-” I suddenly feel a rush of intense anxiety, sick to my stomach, a reminder, snatching me away from the feeling of normalcy, because “I’m not normal, and how absolutely fucking stupid I am to think that I can be, I may appear to be normal, but I never will be.” There’s a ringing in my ears now, I’ve got no clue where it came from, but that’s not exactly at the top of my priorities. I’m panicking and Stella knows it. “She can see right through me, can’t she. Like my body is a piece of glass, revealing my thoughts and emotions.”
“Hey I’m thirsty, there’s a soda machine right outside, I’ll buy you something” Stella said with a wink at the end. She rips me from my panicked state, like pulling the handbrake going 80 down the highway. I was expecting any other response but this. “Maybe she can’t tell that I was spiraling just now. No I was right it was obvious. But instead of responding negatively, she’s trying to redirect my attention. Why… why would she do that, does she really care about me that much, no this is just basic human kindness. No, I’m not special enough for that” in the end, I decided to play along, Stella had offered me a way out from the unrelenting pressure of my anxiety, and so I shamefully took it.
“Sure, I’d love that”