Chapter 10
Chapter 10
It was about eleven at night when they finally stopped at the shitty motel they had mapped out. Eren hadn’t realized how far away this place was, yet as much as he would like to continue driving through the night, he knew it would be best to rest. The last sleep he had had was on a uncomfortable couch, if he could even call it sleep. Three to four hours of tossing and turning, and constant wake ups wasn’t exactly the beauty sleep he needed. The shitty couch wasn’t entirely the blame, though. He’d been thinking about the sudden turn of events in his life, and how she’d made her way back into it.
Eren gently shook Mikasa, waking her with a sudden jolt of her head. It lifted slowly off of his lap, and when she became familiar with her surroundings, she blushed, fluttering her eyes and pretended not to realize that she had just been sleeping in Eren’s lap.
Armin had left them in the car alone, to retrieve a room for them all. Mikasa stretched out in front of her, and then glanced out of the steamy window, rubbing her left eye.
“We’re staying here?” She yawned.
“Yep. Shabby place, I know. But we only need to sleep here. I don’t see why we don’t just sleep in the car, but Armin said-“
Mikasa rolled her eyes to meet Eren’s as she giggled. “That’s hardly ideal,”
“Well, you seemed to be coping just fine.” Eren said bravely, gesturing to his lap. She turned away, blushing. He had managed to make things pretty awkward, and Mikasa prayed for Armin to return soon.
Her prayers were answered, as the boot opened, and Armin called out for help. Eren and Mikasa got out of their respective doors, and went to help Armin carry in the bags.
Once they entered the incredibly small room, they each took the task of investigating the room. It was pretty dark, with the red curtains, that had holes them. The walls were supposed to be white, but where a creamy grey colour, which was off putting at the very least. It was also accompanied along with a few curious stains, which the trio didn’t even want to investigate. The carpet matched the state of the rooms; almost disgusting, but had a lot more stains on it. Mikasa began to wonder if they even cleaned here, at all. There was one double bed, and one single bed. Armin saw this, his eyes sparkling with opportunity.
He dropped the bags, sprinting to the one single bed placed nearly under the window. “Shot gun single bed!” He shouted, perhaps a little too loudly, as he jumped on the rickety bed. He gave Eren and Mikasa a grin that bared all of his teeth. They both shot him a look of fear mixed with death. Suddenly, a spring audibly popped from within the mattress. His bed began to sink lower and lower, while Mikasa and Eren let out laughs. Despite this factor, Armin didn’t regret his decision.
“I’ll take the not-broken bed, then!” Eren exclaimed.
Later on that night, after everyone had gotten in to bed and was supposedly sleeping, Eren woke to notice the room door slightly open. Armin was sleeping away in his broken bed, and you could tell because he snored, yet Mikasa wasn’t in front of him like she was before. Eren had decided to go to bed without a shirt, making Mikasa turn her back to him in the bed as it caused her to blush furiously, which Armin had voiced.
Eren got out of bed as silently as he could; assuming Mikasa was the one who opened the door. Soon realizing his was shirtless, he grabbed his warm coat off the hanger near the door, placing it on himself before exiting the room.
Opening the door, he found Mikasa sitting wrapped in her coat, on the steps outside of their room. She was twirling her phone in her hand, looking at the ground. Her hair was tucked behind her ears, and Eren smiled, not seeing that for a while. The moonlight shined upon the car park in front of them, eliminating the shitty green car. For some reason, there were no street lights around here, which made everything that much more eerie.
Eren causally sat next to Mikasa, her not realizing that he was standing behind her. “Couldn’t sleep?”
Although his voice was soft and deep, it still made Mikasa jump. She placed her hand on her heart, slowing down her breathing. “Jesus, fuck Eren! I almost dropped my phone!” She un tucked her hair behind her ears, covering more of her face. Eren didn’t know why; she was beautiful. Maybe its sub conscious thing, he thought.
“Heh, sorry about that.” Eren said apologetically, rubbing the back of his head.
“No, I couldn’t sleep in that shithole. It’s not like I needed to anyway, I got sleep on the way here.”
Mikasa took a quick glance at him, seeing him wearing his coat with no shirt on. She sighed. “You look ridiculous, by the way.” She said it in a tone that was supposed to come off mean, but ended up sounding empathetic.
Eren looked down at himself and shrugged. “Eh, no one’s gonna see me.”
“Except from me, does that make me a nobody?” Eren just stared at her, the cogs in his brain turning slowly, not understanding the joke. “Sure as hell feels like I’m a nobody,” Mikasa muttered under her breath, even though Eren heard.
“Hey, cut that out.”
“Cut what out?” She said, turning her head to face Eren, who was looking out into the parking lot.
“Stop thinking that. That you’re no one to anyone. It’s not true,”
Mikasa sighed, joining his gaze into the dark, deserted parking lot. “Yeah well, I might as well be nothing after what I did.”
“Hey, what did I just say-“
“What if we don’t find it?” Mikasa turned her head sharply to face Eren, her hair flying around with her movements. Her eyes were wide as Eren looked at her, the moonlight consuming half of her face.
“Wha...?” Eren trailed off.
Mikasa realizing that she was too close, returned to her head to its original place. “What if...what if when we get there, we don’t find what we’re looking for? What if it’s all for nothing? What if you decide...to leave me again?” Her lest question was filled with pauses to hiccup.
Tears started rolling down her cheeks. Why did she always have to cry? So many people had told her she was strong, yet she could never believe it herself. Some say that crying was a sign of strength, that you’ve been holding in these feelings for so long, that once you let them out, it was okay. Mikasa never agreed with that. She’d grown up believing that once you cry, you’re showing that you’ve given up. If there was one thing that her parents taught her when she was young, it was to never give up. Yet she had. Countless times, and every single time, she felt as if she was failing them. It wasn’t like they were around to judge her, but it sure felt like it.
When she was sixteen years of age, her mother was admitted into a mental institution, because she had amnesia, and was slowing losing her mind. She was decided to be unfit to care for her children, and was taken into care. This made her Father depressed, and it didn’t help that he basically lived at the institution, seeing his wife everyday loose a piece of her mind or memory. Some days she couldn’t even remember who he was. Despite asking, Mikasa’s Father never allowed her or Levi to visit their Mother, knowing how badly it would affect them. It was tragic, but there was nothing they could do.
When Mikasa’s Mother passed, it led to complications between Levi and his Father, causing him to move in with Petra, and loose all connection with his family. He didn’t even say goodbye to Mikasa, all he left was his number, scribbled down on a piece of crumpled paper. At the age of nineteen, Mikasa finally had the courage to move out on her own, entrusting her Father that he would be okay by himself. She visited as often as she could, balancing her life and her job at the same time. Before Mikasa knew it, weeks had passed before she had seen him. When she went to her old family home, he was found dead in his bedroom. He had hung himself.
After a month of mourning, Mikasa finally decided to tell Levi. He said nothing other than the word “Oh.” That was last time she spoke to him for five years. Her life had been unkind to her; yet she had told herself for years that that was all she deserved. A phrase she had made had been stapled into her head. This world is cruel.
Eren’s emeralds widened at her ridiculous thoughts. He slowly reached a hand out to touch her cheek. He wiped away a tear with his thumb, tracing over pale skin. It was just as soft as he remembered, and this made him feel happy. Mikasa stiffened when he first touched her, but soon leaned into his hand, closing her eyes, recalling how always warm his hands felt. He was surprised she seemed so open to this, but didn’t protest.
Their bodies turned to face each other, shifting about on the not so cold step. Their knees entangled in one another, their faces close. Mikasa’s eyes opened, and Eren swears it was the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen in his life.
“Mika, I swear to you, we’ll find it. Everything we’re here for, it’s waiting for us. It’ll be hard, for all of us, we know that. But afterward, we’ll be so much better off. You know that. And...” He paused, taking a breath.
“Mikasa, I’m never letting you out of my life again.”
“Eren...”
Their faces inched closer, breath tickling on each other’s cheeks. Mikasa’s arms slowly reached out behind his back, unsure if it was okay to do so. He looked up into her eyes, letting her know it was okay. She placed them delicately around his neck, letting them stretch out behind him. He shifted closer to her, as her heart raced a little faster. They were comfortably in each other’s company, as they titled their heads to the side ever so slowly, itching to feel each other, like how they never got to before. A little bit further, then-
Ba-ding.
They both paused, in the awkward position that they were in. Mikasa quickly retracted her arms, and pulled her phone out of her pocket, to which she hadn’t even realized she put in there. It was Levi, and he just started to call her. As much as Mikasa felt the urge to throw her phone in a bush and let Eren have his way with her, she couldn’t. She had to answer, it could be important. She also couldn’t believe how close she had gotten to losing her mind. She knew that once their lips touched, there was no going back. She’d fall head over heels for him; and she couldn’t do that to herself. Not again.
“I need to...uh...I need to get this,”
Eren stood up surprisingly quickly, blushing from the awkward tension that had risen. He rubbed the back of his head. “Yeah, no I get it. I’ll...uh...b-be back in here, then.”
He lifted his hand a little, trying to make a wave, and trudged back inside, shutting the door, not locking it. Mikasa looked back after him, and sighed, answering her phone.
“Hi, Levi,” She answered with a sigh.
“Hey,” A husky voice greeted her.
She took the phone away from her ear, checking the time. It was exactly one am, and she rolled her eyes. “Do you have any idea what time it is?” She said, yawing for emphasis, as now she was tired. She placed the phone lazily against her ear.
“Yeah. It’s one. Why, you weren’t sleeping, were you?”
Mikasa shook her head. “Nope.”
“Well, don’t start cracking at me, then.”
She sighed once more, leaning against a wooden fence post next to the steps. “What do you want, Levi,”
“Dunno. I can’t sleep.”
Mikasa scoffed. He interrupted her, for this? Maybe it was for the better. She sighed once more. “You and me both, buddy.”
“Mind if I go first?” Levi asked, instinctively knowing there was something up with the both of them.
“Go for it.”
She heard shuffling about on the other end for about fifteen seconds, before it stopped. “I’m justso worried about Petra, like, what if she doesn’t pull through this. It’s eating up my life, I can’t eat or sleep properly, I can’t concentrate at work, I just...” A sigh from him this time. “If something ends up happening to her, I wouldn’t be able to go on.”
“You sound just like Dad,” Mikasa remarked in a soft, quiet tone. Levi grunted, not wanting to be referred to that man. “It’s true. No one wants to lose someone so important to them. How’s she doing in terms of recovery?”
“Better. She’s not completely out of the woods yet, but she’s trying these drugs that haven’t been used before. It’s like she’s the test subject.”
“Everything’s going to be okay. Petra’s strong, you know that better than anyone else. Those new drugs, I bet, will help leaps and bounds, just you wait.”
Levi huffed, yet Mikasa could feel his small smile. “Yeah, I guess so. So, what’s up with you, then? What’s keeping you from dream land?”
Another sigh escaped her lips, her breath being suddenly visible in the moonlight, which had moved due to time.
“So, we decided to go back to where the crash happened, and-“
“Wait, you’re there now?”
“What? No, of course not. But...I am currently sitting outside my motel room, wrapped up in my coat, thinking the worst. What happens if when we get there and we don’t get answers? Then what?”
“What are you expecting to get? A pony? You going back there isn’t really going to change much of anything. This should be a chance for you three to try and make amends, whether you’re there or not. I can understand why you made that decision, but truth is, you may end up getting even more hurt. These so called ‘answers’ you’re looking for, aren’t there. It’s found in you. You’re the answer. It doesn’t matter where or how you do it, but you have to prove yourself, and apologise, like you mean it, Mikasa.”
“That’s what everyone keeps saying but, it makes no sense.”
He sighed. Getting his point across would be more difficult than he first thought. “All I’m saying is that you don’t need to stress out. When you finally realize what that means, everything will be so much clearer. There’s not really much else I can say,”
He was right. Mikasa had no idea what he was on about, nor did she know when that strange old man, Hannes, told her. She hoped she would find out soon, as their destination was closer than ever before.
“Okay. And uh, while I was out here, Eren came out and we got talking, and we almost...we almost k-kissed,” Mikasa knew why she was stuttering. The prospect of her falling in love was inches away from her face, and that terrified her. Silence was the return she got, and she didn’t know if that was good or bad. She didn’t even realize.
“Do you love him?”
“I don’t know. I suppose I don’t get that choice, though,”
“You’re right about that,”
“Say...What was it like for you and Petra?”
Levi sighed, his smile stretching through the phone to Mikasa. “Jesus, just thinking about that takes me back. I still remember it, clear as day. We were in art class; I know I know, sounds cliché, right? Well, she was sitting with her friends and I was sitting with mine. She was new there, and the fact she’d managed to make so many friends so quickly baffled me. I kept staring at her from across the room because she just looked so beautiful; and I constantly found her staring back every time I looked up at her. She smiled at me a lot during that lesson. Throughout the day, I caught glimpses of her, but I thought nothing of it, and moved on. I recall that day I had some shitty lesson last, so I skipped it. I was hanging out by the bike sheds when she came around the corner and bumped into me. She was crying because one of her new friends had said some mean things; you know, pointless girly dribble. But alas, I helped her out, and without me even asking she gave me her number. We just started talking from there, and I fell in love with the girl. And to my surprise, she fell in love with me too. One month and two awkward confessions later, we started dating. That’s it. It sort of just happened...you miss if it goes too quickly. You don’t get to choose when or how you fall in love, or even who you fall in love with; it doesn’t work like that. Sometimes it’s for the worse, and sometimes it’s for the better. Petra was the best thing to ever happen to me...Do you feel that way about Eren?”
Mikasa sat in silence, contemplating everything she had just heard. Apart from being a beautiful story, or at least she thought so, everything Levi said was correct. She didn’t choose to fall in love with Eren back then; she just did. It didn’t even occur to her when she found herself spending extra amounts of time staring at him, or the butterflies she got whenever he was around, or how she laughed extra loudly when he said something funny. She just did those things, without thinking about it. That’s what love was, to her. Becoming the norm. After all the shit she’s dealt with in her life, Eren truly was the best thing that had ever happened to her.
“I do.”
“Well, wouldn’t you know. I think it’s safe to say you’re in love with him.”
Mikasa sighed, dropping her head down in defeat. Fresh tears started to roll out of her eyes. Godammit, she thought. Her sobs didn’t go undetected.
“Mika? Mikasa? Are you crying? Hey!”
She wiped the falling tears from her eyes, and tried to make light of the situation. “I’m o-okay, really. I just...I just don’t want to be in love with him. I’d rather be his closest friend than anything else b-but...I can’t help but have these feelings for him. I don’t get a choice, but, godammit, I want that choice so bad! I wish...you were h-here...”
“Why?”
“So you could hug me...and tell me everything’s going to be okay...” Mikasa said in a weak voice.
“Well, I can’t give you a hug, unfortunately,” He added, which made her smile through her tears. “But I can assure you; everything will be okay. It’ll all work out in the end, you’ll see.”
“Yeah, I know,” Mikasa was curious of the time. She pulled up her phone, seeing it was ten to two. Her eyes widened at the time, figuring she should probably go to sleep.
“Thank you, for this, Levi. I best be going now, have you seen the time?”
Shuffling could be heard, until he spoke again. “Crap. Yeah okay, I’ll be going too. See you-“
“I love you,” She breathed out slowly, waiting to see if he would say it back. To her amazement, he did. It was only a quick mumbled little thing, and then the call ended, but she still heard it.
Yawning, she made her way back inside, slipping back into the double bed, after taking her coat off. She was glad to see Eren and Armin still sleeping. Eren had most of the covers, but she still managed to keep warm. Slowly slipping into dream land, Mikasa thought of her phone call with Levi, and smiled to herself, being glad he was the only one who knew of her true feelings for Eren.
Yet, she was mistaken. Eren’s eyes lit up, piercing through the darkness to look at her elegant back. He had heard every word of her conversation with her brother.
After a hurried morning of getting ready, taking showers and a shitty breakfast consisting of a few, probably moldy pieces of fruit, and some breakfast bars that tasted like shit, they were on the road.
Eren had decided not act any differently around Mikasa, as he didn’t want her to know that he heard the conversation she had last night. He kept torturing himself by replying certain lines in his head.
“I’m o-okay, really. I just...I just don’t want to be in love with him. I’d rather be his closest friend than anything else b-but...I can’t help but have these feelings for him. I don’t get a choice, but, godammit; I want that choice so bad!”
Eren didn’t know how interpret this. She loved him, but she didn’t want to love him? Eren gathered that she wasn’t ready for rejection again...but would he reject her? They had already fallen for each other once before, without realizing one another’s feelings, and he be damned if he was going to let that happen again.
Eren was driving once more, and the sun was flashing through the windows again. A sign that always brought joy to Mikasa’s heart. It was the small things in life like that that she never failed to miss. They were all laughing and joking around, yet Mikasa often had to take a small moment to appreciate how lucky she was, and how much fun she was having. They were currently deep in a game of would you rather.
“Okay,” Mikasa finished her giggling. “Armin, it’s my turn to ask you...hmm, let’s see...”
Armin groaned, shaking his head in defeat. “I am sooo not ready for this,”
Mikasa began laughing at her own fucked question she just thought of. “Okay, okay I got one. Please forgive me...Would you rather get your anus ripped out by a giant scorpion, or get a blow job from a shark?”
The stunning silence was soon broken by giggles from all three of them. “Jesus, Mik!” Eren exclaimed.
“Oh my god...um, I guess the scorpion one?”
“Wait...what? The shark one would be better.” Eren protested, wide eyes focusing on Armin.
“Oh gee...I kinda need my thingy though, for you know, uh, reasons.”
Eren and Mikasa burst out laughing, getting his joke for once. “So Ar,” Eren began, focusing his attention on the road ahead. “How many times have you-“
“Ooookay guys, let’s steer this conversation away from my sex life,” Eren chuckled, as Armin turned to face Mikasa. “I have the perfect one for you, Mikasa.”
“Oh yeah?” She said playfully, raising her eyebrows.
“Yah. Would you rather...make out with Eren, or Jean?” Armin chuckled under his breath, while Mikasa blushed a little. He had said this to try and get back at her, and it looks like he had succeeded.
“I don’t really know Jean all that well, so I guess Eren?” Mikasa replied, letting crimson flush onto her face. Armin had no idea that this would have been a reality last night, if Levi hadn’t of rang last night. She still couldn’t decide if it was for the better just quite yet.
“Oh, so you have to know a person to make out with them, huh?” Armin questioned jokingly, raising his eyebrows in an up and down motion. Eren was also blushing.
“It’s not like that...” She looked off to the side, still blushing. Armin had noticed the sudden awkward tension that had risen from seemingly nowhere.
“Okay, Eren?”
The game continued out for a little while, even though their hearts weren’t really in it anymore. Mikasa had shifted so her head lent against the window, the coldness hitting her a little harder than expected. Armin had told them all to look out for the plaque along this long highway, even though he himself was now reading a book. Eren was lost in thought, yet somehow managing to concentrate on the road. Mikasa herself wasn’t paying attention to the road, but rather the replying thoughts her in head.
All her feelings were mixed together in an awkward bundle, tied together with a loose piece of string. She couldn’t keep anything in order; especially her thoughts. One after another, they came and messed up everything. This is; she recalled she’d had this feeling before. When you couldn’t think of anything else except the person you’ve fallen head over heels for; this was love. The agonizing pain, of love. It would usually be a pleasant feeling; yet this time it felt gut wrenching as she almost doubled over in pain. The fact that she spent more and more time with didn’t help at all.
The car jolted a little, making the car take a small dip. Her head hit the window slightly; yet such a small bump caused her thoughts to jostle and lock in place. It was no use. She had finally come to accept the fact that she loved Eren. She was hopelessly in love with him, and she knew it. She also came to terms with the fact that she knew she was wrong. What she did back then, was wrong. Her eyes widened as acceptance flooded over her, replacing her blood. She was wrong. Suddenly, everything Levi and Hannes said made sense. It all clicked.
Mikasa noticed a large, slightly damaged grey stone sticking out of the ground, and she squealed, making both of the boys jump.
“Stop!” She exclaimed, sitting up in her seat better.
“What?” They asked simultaneously.
“I saw it,” She paused, breathing out. “The plaque!”