Have you ever fed a lover with just your hands?
Close your eyes and trust it, just trust it
Have you ever thrown a fist full of glitter in the air?
Have you ever looked fear in the face
And said I just don't care?
Relationships are complexed. Much more complexed than what you thought they could be.
You never thought you’ll be this woman. The one who cheats on her husband.
You didn’t know Tobin Heath then.
You’re not looking for sympathy and you don’t want to justify your acts. You know that what you’re doing is unforgiveable and wrong.
She knows it to.
You don’t even want to remember how it happened the first time. All you can say is that you both decided that it was a mistake and to never do it or speak about it again.
You haven’t spoken about your affair.
But you’ve done it again.
And again.
It’s always the same. You spend a peaceful and innocent moment with your best friend, as you’re used to. However, sometimes something in the atmosphere changes and everything goes down the drain from there.
You want to stop.
You can’t.
Because everything feels right with her.
Your hands seem to fit perfectly on the other’s body. When your hands venture on her naked form her eyes shift; as if her hunger, her craving, her desire was finally fulfill.
When you see her lean forward you just close your eyes and trust her. With your eyes closed and her lips on yours you know that everything will be alright. You know that she’ll always be there to catch you.
Your favorite things in the world are her eyes. The way they shine when they look at you. The way a simple gesture from you can make them shift from light to dark. The way they liquefy when certain words leave your mouth. The way they study you with adoration when under her touch you come undone. Throwing a fistful of glitter in the air won’t even compete with their brightness. All the fireworks won’t even compete with their brightness. Only her smile can compete with them.
You’re standing face to face and she sees the fear in your eyes.
Hers mirror yours.
You know it’s too late to stop now as her jeans hit the floor next to yours.
But it’s always in those moments that you realize how wrong it is. It’s always in those moments that you get scared.
Her hands cup your face and bring you closer to her.
You’re looking at your fear dead in the eyes.
“Do you want me to leave?”
The thoughtful murmur shuts your brain down.
“No.”
You don’t care about anything but her anymore.
You know it will only last a couple of hours but it doesn't matter right now.
And it's only half past the point of no return
The tip of the iceberg
The sun before the burn
The thunder before the lightning
The breath before the phrase
Have you ever felt this way?
You’ve hit the point of no return.
Her touch electrifies you.
Her mouth makes you weak.
Her skin burns against yours in the most delicious way.
Her breath leaves you panting.
In the back of your mind you know it’s only temporary.
It’s only the tip of the iceberg, the delicious caress of the sun on your skin before the burn, the loud thunder before the storm.
Life will hit you like a ton of bricks right after.
The iceberg will emerge, your skin will hurt with remorse, and the storm of reality will take this moment away.
Your orgasm makes you freeze and burn at the same time.
You feel her shiver on top of you and she releases the sexiest sound in your ear.
Seconds pass and you finally regain control of your body. She kisses your parted and panting lips. Your breathings starts to even out as you draw patterns on her back and she softly kisses your neck.
However she lifts her head in order to look at you and from her eyes you know what is going to leave her mouth.
She takes a deep breath and you fear the phrase.
“I can’t do this anymore Alex. Not when you’re still with him. It breaks me.”
One last kiss.
You’re alone.
Have you ever hated yourself for staring at the phone?
You're whole life waiting on the ring to prove you're not alone
Have you ever been touched so gently you had to cry?
Have you ever invited a stranger to come inside?
It’s been weeks since you last saw her.
She made you choose and you did
You've made the right choice. Possibly.
You miss her. You miss your best friend.
She texted you saying she needs some time before returning to a ‘normal’ friendship.
You don’t think neither of you is able to have a ‘normal’ relationship. Not after everything.
She can’t even look at your husband.
You’re having a hard time to do that to.
You think he senses it.
Yet he hasn’t said a word about your behavior.
You’re at a little café. The café you used to go to with her. Her favorite place.
She hasn’t come here since your last night together.
Your phone is on the table and you don’t know for how long you’ve been staring at it.
You’re waiting for a sign from her that will allow you to breathe again.
You know you shouldn’t depend on her.
Your husband is loving, caring, handsome, funny and all the qualities you can think of.
And she’s still here, occupying all your thoughts.
You hate yourself for it.
A gentle hand squeezes your shoulder.
“I’m sorry if I’m bothering you but you’ve been here for quite some time now and I’ve noticed you look kind of sad. I was wondering if you were okay.”
The freckled face is familiar. The young woman works here as a barista.
‘I was wondering if you were okay.’
Are you okay Alex? Are you happy with your life?
Her eyes filled with care tear you up.
“Sorry it was indiscreet. I apologize.”
She starts to walk away but you gently grab her wrist making her turn around.
“Actually I could really use someone to talk to.”
She offers you a smile and nods.
“My shift ends in like ten minutes.”
“I’ll wait.”
It's only half past the point of oblivion
The hourglass on the table
The walk before the run
The breath before the kiss
And the fear before the flames
Have you ever felt this way?
You needed that talk.
You needed someone not directly involved to make you realize the mistake you’re making.
Walking isn’t fast enough for you and you start to run in Portland’s streets.
For so long you thought you were afraid of being with her because it was supposed to be wrong.
Idiot.
Every breath she took before kissing you was filled with love.
She calmed your fears with her gentle touch; making your ice cold skin turn into flames.
She simply made you feel alive.
She makes you feel alive.
Your life appears great: a loving husband, a good career, a bright future. A peaceful ocean.
With her the ocean is raging.
She makes your life wild.
You need it.
You crave it.
There you are, sitting in the garden
Clutching my coffee
Calling me sugar
You called me sugar
You run into her building straight to its backyard.
There she is.
Reading on the little bench with a cup of coffee in her hand as always at this time of the afternoon.
She lifts her head at the sound of your footsteps.
At first she seems surprised but she stands up quickly as you get closer to her.
“Alex what’s wrong? Why are you running like your life depends on it? Did something happen to you?”
You take a minute to catch your breath, hands on your knees as she gently strokes your back.
“What is going on sugar?”
You shiver at the pet name, remembering all the times she used it with words dripping with lust or with a sleepy voice during the rare nights you stayed over.
“I’m so sorry Tobin.”
Have you ever wished for an endless night?
Lassoed the moon and the stars and pulled that rope tight
Have you ever held your breath and asked yourself
Will it ever get better than tonight?
Tonight
It’s the first time she’s showed you the roof of her building.
You’ve never felt as at peace as now: lying directly on the ground, eyes lost in the night sky, hands tangled together, and breathings in sync.
The moon reflects in her eyes and you let you thoughts wander.
It’s the first time in years that something feels truly right.
She is right.
You finally confessed it and her smile had grown bigger than you’ve ever seen it.
Your heart still misses a beat when you remember the way she returned the three simple and yet life changing words.
You take a deep breath and think out loud.
“Will it ever get better than tonight?”
She shifts next to you, lying on her side to look at you.
“I’ll do anything in my power to make your life as perfect as tonight.”
Warmth spreads from your heart to your all body, making your skin tingles.
“Our lives…” You rasp.
She leans forward and kisses you.
“I love you.”
“I love you too.”