Chapter 11
Hours of strained, stressful work later, Lexa was sewn up, and although her breathing was shallow, and they had almost lost her twice, and they were both drained of all energy, as they fell in each other's arms, congratulating each other for making it through and saving Lexa. It was never said, but they both knew how much they both loved her.
Despite the servants' and other doctors' admonitions, neither of them wanted to rest, or even leave for a second before Lexa woke up and they knew she was alright. They would not let her out of their sight. Hands quickly washed cleaned in a basin, they both sat down at lexa's side, next to each other, holding each other's and Lexa's hands, whispering, not quite sure to whom, that they were here and were not leaving.
Eventually, exhaustion took over, and when Lexa came to, and struggle to sit up with her mind still fuzzy, she saw Costia and Clarke asleep on each other's shoulder. She was tired, however, and in pain, her mind clouded still by what Costia had made her drink she did not know how many hours ago, so she let herself fall asleep again to this sight.
The next time, she woke up from a nightmare that had her covered in sweat and found them both there for her, wiping the sweat from her brow. She did not know what was going on, only that they looked worried, and that she herself couldn't quite shake the dread that had settled on her in her sleep. But Clarke was whispering reassuring words to her, and Lexa let it lull her back to sleep. She missed the worried looks Clarke and Costia exchanged as they tried to lower her fever.
When she woke up later, she felt considerably more conscious, less hazy. Pain seared in her belly, but she had been hurt before, she could deal with that. Especially since Clarke and Costia were the only ones around, and she didn't need to put on her Commander façade for them. They were sitting on the floor next to each other, backs to the bed, in silence, and realised she was awake only once she tried moving to reach a hand to their shoulder and winced in pain. Maybe she should not try lying on her side for a while.
She remembered clearly what had happened to her, and had lots of questions to ask them, but clearly she'd have to wait, as Clarke and Costia went through with asking her how she felt and how high the pain was, and checking her pulse and making sure she had no trouble breathing, and while she'd seen Costia at least go through this with numerous patients, she could see that the care they put into it was more than professional. She remembered their last exchange, and blushed. She must have given them such a scare! Clarke was still a big unknown, but she knew at least how much she meant to Costia, and knew that had not she been shot already, Costia might have punched her for being so dark and insisting she was going to die.
She remembered her last words, too, and knew they'd have to talk about it some time soon. But for now, she decided she was happy just letting them take care of her for a while. She did not have energy for much else, if she was being honest with herself, and there would be no point in insisting she could go back directly to her duty. Not only would she be unable to, but her two very lovely doctors would insist that she stick to her bed for a while longer.
"Listen, you can go, I'll live," she eventually told them when she saw neither was really getting any sleep, only drifting off now and then in an armchair, or in Costia's case huddled next to her on the big bed. Clarke's bed. Lexa noticed her look at them with a mixture of warmth and envy in these cases, and she had to resist beckoning her to join them. They would have to have that talk, sooner than later. And yet Lexa had no clue how to do that. She probably wouldn't have admitted to anything like feelings if she weren't drugged up, in mind-numbing pain, and thinking she was dying... though she in no way regretted it.
"We almost lost you!" Costia complained, "we're not going anywhere!"
But Lexa caught her weird look towards Clarke - something that seemed like "we're not, are we?", and she had to ask, "what's going on here?"
"Nothing," Clarke quickly answered, sitting on the bed next to her. "O wanted me to go to Arkadia, try to change some minds for the elections. I was gonna go... but then this happened."
"So you're leaving." She tried to hide the pain, to ignore how it made her stomach churn, but she was probably doing a terrible job of it.
"No! You don't get it, I... They've made a mess, Lex, and I wasn't there to stop them. But you told me yourself, they wouldn't have listened either way... I'd have gone if it weren't for... this." She motioned vaguely around the room and at Lexa. "I wanted to be able to tell myself I tried all I could. Even if it didn't do much. But then you almost died and... I couldn't go. And if they elect a new chancellor as bad as the last, it's on them. I don't belong there anymore anyways. I hope if that happens you'll welcome my friends into Trikru anyways, because it's not their fault - let the people who want nothing to do with Pike and the like be able to take your side. But I trust whatever you do. You're a good leader, Lex, the best chance Skaikru had - I tried to tell them that already, and they didn't listen. But I chose you. And I chose to stay. Because I'm not sure what I'm doing here but I know you matter more to me than all these stupid politics, and I had to be there when you woke up. I'm not going anywhere."
Lexa reached over to take her hand, and Clarke looked down at their linked hands, a small, emotional smile forming on her features. Lexa smiled at Costia, who came to sit right behind Clarke and put her hands on her shoulders, head resting on one of them.
Softly, Costia said, "You're welcome to stay with us for as long as you like, Clarke."
Clarke sighed, leaning against Costia slightly. "I just. I need to know what we're doing."
"I don't know, what do you want to do, Clarke?"
Lexa nodded in agreement with Costia. Whatever both of them wanted - she wanted Clarke to be with them, she wanted her to share in everything, to be able to show her how much she cared about her, to learn all the little things there were to know about Clarke, to share in her happiness and be there for her grief, like she did with Costia, and she knew Costia wanted the same - none of it mattered against Clarke's wishes.
Clarke blinked, then frowned.
"Are you okay?" Lexa asked, squeezing her hand a bit.
"Yeah, I ... I just realised no-one's asked me that before."
"It's okay, you can take your time," Costia answered, setting aside her sudden wish to punch everyone who'd ever mistreated her before, a wish she also shared with Lexa.
"No, no. I know what I want. It's just. Well, you're already together, and... that's just not... not done? I can't just have both of you, and I don't want to break you apart, or get between you, or..."
"I'm the commander, remember?" Lexa tried to smile, to quiet Clarke's discomfort, as Costia tried to rub her shoulders in a soothing way. "I don't have to do what's "done", or not. Titus wanted me to, and see where that led us. Trust me - I struggled to be with Costia, to be able to stay with her, be openly with her - but now people are used to it. Hell, they love it, and they love her! And I would do it all over again for the love and the joy it brought me." She coughed, unused to being so open about her feelings. "I'd do it all over again for you. So what if we're three - so long as it suits us all, so long as we're clear on what we want. People'll just have to deal with it."
The kiss that followed took Lexa by surprise, and left her breathless, with tears on her cheeks she did not care to hold back. There was just her, and Costia and Clarke, after all, and she trusted them both with her life, as she did with her heart. When Clarke pulled back, they were both smiling, and so was Costia, who teasingly enjoined them not to get carried over too much.
"Leave that for when the patient has recovered," Costia winked. And she was the one to initiate the next kiss with Clarke, feeling like she had to show her just how much she wanted this too, seeing as she hadn't said much yet. She was usually the one who talked, the one who liked to get to the bottom of things and express her feelings to the best of her abilities, but in this moment she felt like what Clarke needed most was proximity, and physical proof that all of this was real, that she was not just dreaming or misinterpreting things. And Costia had wanted to kiss her for so long, too, she could not quite refrain herself after seeing her and Lexa kiss.
As Lexa watched them, pride and arousal mixed in with a warmer, more tender feeling in her chest. These were the two women she loved. They were here, they loved each other - loved her - wanted nothing more than to stay at her side and take care of her. The world outside was harsh, and in the morning she would have to see to the death of her oldest counsellor, her mentor. They would have to go through a lot more sorting out the Skaikru problems. They might even die in the process, Lexa was no dreamer, she knew, and what had just happened made it all the more real, that it could happen. But that was tomorrow. For now, she would heal, and enjoy what little respite she could get. And make sure her two women knew how much she cared about them. And there would no doubt be more talking, there was still a lot to figure out - but she had a feeling they would make this work. And whatever, or whoever, would come at them next, they'd face it together.