Chapter 4
Lexa jumped to her feet and started pacing. “If they so much as lay a hand on her they'll wish they'd never been born,” she growled, and Clarke couldn't agree more. Her people or not, she would not try and stop Lexa if they'd hurt Costia. Hell, she might even give a hand.
“Clarke? Clarke, you're still there?” Abby's voice brought them back to reality. Clarke was still looking up at Lexa when she acquiesced, her voice sounding slightly hollow.
“Whoever you're worrying for, they're okay,” Abby continued, and the tension in Lexa's shoulders visibly dissipated, while Clarke could suddenly breathe better.
“I warned Indra - good thing Marcus gave her a talkie too! They'll be gone by the time those idiots gear up and go after them.”
“Doesn't sound like Indra,” Lexa commented, as neutral as she could, sitting back next to Clarke and resisting the urge to bend closer to the strange device, still not quite sure how it worked.
“She did say she could not promise to leave anyone unharmed if they got too close. But she's following your order to protect us, so far as I can tell.”
“For all the good it did,” Lexa snapped.
“I know. That's why I'm calling. I don't know what's going on in Polis and what your politics are, but you need to do something. You need to intervene.”
“We were going to bring you back the Ice Queen's body!” Lexa had grabbed the talkie. Her tone was as sharp as when she got into arguments with her advisors, and Clarke could see she had reverted back to the leader she was in front of strangers. She was glad it was not directed at her. “We were bringing you justice. I risked a lot for this! And not a week after you pass that alliance with me your people turn around and elect to kill the army sent to protect you? I should have you all executed. That's what everyone will tell me to do. That's what any other commander would do.”
“You killed the Ice Queen, not the Ice people,” Clarke remarked softly. “My people are still wary of yours. They don't know you. We need to stop Pike, but the next person they'll elect will be just the same if we don't make them trust us.”
“And you're gonna tell me I can't get them to trust me if I try to execute everyone?” Lexa said in a biting tone, like Clarke had taken her for a child.
“You'd have to kill me too, then. And what happened to fealty?” She tried to keep her calm, quite certain that Lexa did not mean it. But she had to make sure. “What happened to doing what's good for your people? You know mine won't go down without a fight. We've proved that since we landed. Yours will get hurt.”
She wasn't quite sure what she read on Lexa's face, but it seemed like a mixture of pride and assurance. It was clear that she'd come to a decision, however, since she called back to Abby: “We're putting an end to this. We're marching to your camp.” She went on before Abby could interrupt: “We'll bring you the dead queen as proof of our word and the sincerity of our alliance, and you'll be left to deal your own justice to this Pike guy. Provided he has not managed to hurt anyone. You will stay in your camp until this is settled, I trust you to make sure of that. Or there will be blood.” She paused for a moment, and Clarke thought that she was done, but then she added, with more fire than ever: “But if anything happened to Costia, not the spirits of all the commanders before me will prevent me from ripping his heart out!”
Then, Lexa was gone in a flurry of skirts, leaving Clarke to finish the conversation with her mother, who was anyway in a hurry to get back to her people. As soon as she was outside, she called – more like shouted – for Titus. He wouldn't be pleased to be bothered so late, even though he was probably in one of his weird rituals rather than sleeping: she did not think that man ever slept. When he showed up in her throne room minutes later, looking passably grumpy and clearly wondering why she was standing there in her nightgown, she did not bother with explanation.
“Gather everyone we have at the ready. We're marching towards the Skaikru camp, to meet Indra's forces.”
Of course he had to ask all kinds of questions, which she dealt with quickly, ignoring his judging looks. No matter how good of an advisor he was for politics, she had been Commander for years now, and he had never really agreed with her attempts are reforms. And if there was one thing he did not understand, it was her heart. This had nothing to do with her feelings for Costia or Clarke, whatever he tried to say. This was about peace. And reaching for peace did not make her weak, no more than love did.
She gave her last orders to make sure that everything would be ready for a departure early the next day, and retired to her apartments. She would need sleep, and there would be little time for that before she had to get ready. She'd be damned if the Commander did not ride at the front of her troops, even if it was just on a peace mission.
But as she reached her door, she realised she'd forgotten something. She could not really go away like that, leaving Clarke in the dark as to her intentions. She had promised her her loyalty, after all. And much more than that, at least in her own mind, even if Clarke did not seem to return her feelings. Costia would mock her for her silliness, she was sure. She smiled as she pictured her lover admonishing her for her hesitancy, as she knocked on Clarke's door once again.
Lexa had been Commander for a few years when they had met, on one of the Heda's diplomatic missions. Costia had always found it endearing how shy Lexa became when it came to personal relationships, when she was this fierce leader to the outside world; to anyone who did not take her heart.
Costia was the one who had practically courted her, who had first kissed her, who had fought against years of learning that love was weakness, to prove to her that this could only make her more whole, make her stronger. How many times had she told Lexa this, how many times Lexa had sneered, but knew deep down that she was right. It did not matter anyway. Costia had her heart and there was no point fighting this. And when she was taken away from her by the Ice Queen, she had found that love did give her strength, the strength to fight more fiercely than ever for people she would protect with her life. Something she did before for her people without thinking about it, but enhanced and focused on this one small woman she was lucky enough to call hers.
Costia was the one who had brought all her walls down, and she hated herself for falling for that sky girl she barely knew, but here again it was Costia who had made her talk about it, to see behind the shame towards a future where they could be happy all three together (if there was such a thing for a Commander) and she once again thanked the spirits of her ancestors that she was blessed with such a precious, understanding life companion. That was worth all the teasing in the world.
There was only one thing she could ever tease Costia about, it was her love of candles. She had found herself lighting them whenever Costia wasn't there, however, to ward off the cold that set in her bones when she could not see her whenever she wished to - ever since Costia had been taken away from her that one time, she could not shake the thought that each time she watched her leave, it might be the last.
Clarke finally opened the door, pulling her from her thoughts.
"Sorry, my mom... I was still talking to her. She was worried..." Clarke trailed off. "Are you alright?"
From the worry distinct in her voice, Lexa guessed that she had let her emotions get the better of her. But this was Clarke, after all, and she did not need to pretend with her.
"I was... reminiscing."
Clarke's smile was soft as she made way for her to come in once again. "You're worried about Costia." It was not even a question, and so Lexa simply nodded.
"Whenever she leaves, now," Lexa said, trying not to sound too affected. She sat again right where she was before Clarke's mother had... "called" was the word Clarke had used, she believed. Clarke stared at her with that intense look she had sometimes, like she was trying to decipher Lexa. Finally she sat down next to her, and took her hand in hers, even though there was no bandage to be changed this time.
"Something happened, didn't it?" When Lexa did not answer, she went on. "I've seen how Costia reacted to Ice people. And yourself. You've said they hadn't joined your troupes in a long time, when we were in TonDC." She hesitated. "You don't have to tell me but... I understand your worry."
Lexa tried to repress the thought that came next. This was her weakness. Even if Costia made her strong, she was also the one person she would risk everything for. Even years of hearing that love was not weakness could not make this feeling come back every time that Costia was away and she did not feel whole again. And that Clarke was there made her feel less empty, but that only scared her more.
Clarke must have taken her silence, or her confused expression, for something else, because she held her unhurt hand tighter in hers. "She'll be alright. She's like you, she's a survivor."
Lexa couldn't repress the hint of a smile. "You have no idea."
Clarke smiled back at her, and Lexa was glad that they had reached this sort of truce. She was practically sure she had her trust back – but for how long? What if the death of the Ice Queen was not enough to calm her people? What if she had to fight them again? Would Clarke really trust her after that?
"So, what's the plan?" Clarke finally asked.
"We're riding at dawn."
Lexa spent the next hour or so explaining her plan, Clarke only interrupting her once in a while to enquire about a detail or suggest an alternative. Lexa try to make it clear that she sought her approval, that she would not do anything to harm her people unless strictly necessary, and Clarke seemed to understand, to be willing to join forces on this one. With a bit of experience she would be a great strategist, Lexa reflected. She was already a great leader.
If Clarke caught her staring at her a bit too intently, she did not say anything.
Finally, all was laid out and there was nothing more to say – or too much left unsaid, but too little time, and Clarke was yawning, and Lexa felt that it was not the time to discuss feelings, not when all she could think about was to make sure Costia was safe.
"Good night, Clarke," she smiled at her, and Clarke walked her to the door, apparently realising only then that she was still holding her hand, and let go. Lexa tried to tell herself the cold that seemed to seep through her skin was just a physical reaction. She felt the solitude much more keenly when she reached her empty apartments, the bed she shared with Costia feeling now colder than it had since she left. Now that the Mountain Men had been destroyed, and that the shadow of the Ice Queen was gone from their life, she had hoped against hope that they would be able to leave peacefully at last, but that was not to happen. She sighed, chasing the thought from her mind. Costia knew how to fight; and besides, she had Indra with her. She would be perfectly fine, and Lexa would see her the very next day.