In love may you find me.

The sun is low in the sky. It must be around 6 PM, maybe. You guess. It might be sooner, might be later. You can't tell anymore. The only thing you know for sure is that you're exhausted and want sleep. You've been talking all day with Indra and Octavia. You are now waiting for her to return with a radio and news from Kane. You're worried for her but she's Octavia, resident badass and extremely skilled warrior. She'll get it done.

When you arrived, you were careful not to make your presence known. Bellamy is the one who came to see what was happening, and you watched from afar the exchange he had with Indra. Octavia was hidden as well. She didn't want to have to face him right away, and seeing her might trigger him to do something stupid. Indra explained why there was a blockade, and the kill order. You thought for a moment that he was going to kill her on the spot, but you know his heart. He's a good man that has lost his way. You pray everyday that he finds it back, and you feel guilty because deep down, you're partly responsible.

He just stood still, thought for a moment and went back. You never heard from Arkadia again, but that couldn't be good news. Pike would never be okay with that. The fact that he wasn't responding immediately meant only bad news. He was planning something big. Bigger than taking a couple of guns and slaughtering an army. The armies of the 12 clans were here, and even with good weaponry, Arkadia wasn't big enough to take them all down on the spot. So they were thinking and planning. This could only mean one thing.

So the day passed, and you planned. Now, though, now you're beginning to feel the effects of the nightless sleep, of the constant worry. You're tired of this constricted chest, not being able to breathe since you left Polis. Since you left Lexa. You thought that writing her would ease your mind about your rushed departure, but it didn't. It just made you crave her more. Made you want to reach out, write down all that was filling your soul and give her the words.

You stay in your tent for a few moments. Octavia should be back soon, but maybe you can catch a few minutes of sleep.

You're cut short in your thoughts when a guard enter and standing behing him is the messenger you first sent to Lexa. Breath cutting short, you nod to let him in.

"Do you have news from Polis?” A desperation, a plea.

“Yes, Heda ordered me to return this to you. I am to go back at your orders Wanheda.” And then, a letter is handed to you. You grab it, unbelieving. Watch as if it's a deer with two heads, or rather, glowing flowers that illuminates the darkness of the night. It's sealed. You bring the paper to you mouth, and plant the ghost of a kiss. Maybe if you breathe it hard enough, you'll catch her scent.

“How are you feeling? Did you get any sleep since I sent you back yesterday?”

“A couple hours, yes. I can manage the ride back in 8 hours.”

"No it's fine, I'll wait for Izel. You've done more than enough, thank you. Go around camp, rest for the evening. I'll call you if I need you again.”

You can't manage to write back right now. There is no time. Not when you want to be consumed in this. You can't rush it. You can't. You sit on your makeshift bed and don't even notice the nod on Conrad's face-that's his name, you learned before sending your first letter-and his departure but you know that you are alone after a few minutes and snatch the letter open. You can breathe now. You lie down and waste no time in absorbing the words. You see her eyes in every letters, you feel her hands in the curves of the words. It doesn't even surprise you that her first words are concerned ones. For you. Hundred of miles away she will still make sure that you're okay. Could it be posible that you love her more than you already do?

It's tearing at your heart, holding it together, destroying it. There's a thousands thing that you are feeling right now. None of them, would be possible to put into words. Words didn't exists anymore apart from those in the paper in front of you. They only exists for you and her. They're yours to share and no one else's, and you feel incredible, that you have something that is just yours and hers.

It's a secret that you burry just at the surface of your heart, you let it purposefully show. You don't want to forget it, you want it to be there always. Making you want to fight harder. To live better. To live fully. And it's with the last of her words behind your eyes that you fall asleep, half laying, half sitting, letter clutched tight to your chest.

When you wake up again, night has fallen. It's dark, and it's Octavia's voice that wake you. You bolt outside, letter safely hidden underneath the matress of your bed.

“Octavia! Thank god you did it.” You hurry beside her, grabbing her shoulder. She doesn't respond but the look on her face clearly states that she's offended you ever doubted her. Indra's face wears the same. Who are you to question her second ?

“So, were you able to reach Kane?”

Her frown only deepens. Wrong thing to say once again.

“I've got the radio, Kane gave me one, he got it from Raven. She's in on this, as you can imagine. She's going to be essential.”

“Okay, does Sinclair knows too? What about my mom?”

“I don't know about Sinclair but Raven is probably trying to reach him. Abby knows, she and Kane are trying to find a way to get to Bellamy. Get him to come around and start to rally some of the people who voted for Pike. It won't be easy though..”

You could hear the disappointment in her voice. She wasn't even sure she could trust her own brother. You could only imagine how that felt.

“O, Bellamy dedicated his life to protect yours. He'll see the errors of his way.”

The clenching of a jaw was the only response.

“What about the radio?” Indra speaks. You shiver. Like everytime she speaks. You have infinite respect for this woman but sometimes, she scares you more than you care to admit.

“Yeah, Kane or Abby will contact as soon as they can. They're being watched, Pike is onto them especially since the blockade went into effect. They think they're being followed.. They're trying to talk to some people who voted for Kane.”

“How many does he think there is?”

“A few dozens, at most. Maybe fifty?”

“That doesn't make for a big rebellion. Pike would have no qualms having them all imprisoned. Or killed. We can't affort that, we need more people.”

“I know.” A pause. “ So what do we do now?”

“Now we wait for Kane to get back to us and tell us more about his situation, and what he thinks is the smartest way to take down Pike. He'll have more insight. We should all get some rest, I don't think they're going to attack tonight, they're not prepared.”

“I will come to you if I hear anything.” Indra say, before going to her tent. You're left with Octavia. She has a look. You don't like it one bit.

“Let's go to your tent.” It's not aggressive but it's not up for questioning either. You're suddenly scared because maybe she will want to talk about the mess of this war, but maybe she'll want to talk about something else entirely. Something that is secret and personnal, but is written all over your face. You reluctantly make your way, and once inside, she goes right to the point.

“You are playing a very dangerous game, Clarke.”

“I don't know what you're talking about.” Right. Eyebrows shot up, clearly not convinced by your poor excuse of an answer.

“You're one to talk. You've been involved with Lincoln practically since we've landed.”

“Look how well that turned out. Besides, he is not the Commander.”

“What difference does that make?” But it makes all the difference. You hear the pain inside your words, you feel them hurt your soul, and they stab at your heart. They feel like a curse, like poison.

“I am not telling you to stop it. I am not lecturing you. I am telling you to be careful. I am telling you this is dangerous.”

“Then why is this the safest I have felt since we're on Earth? Why do I feel this alive?” There is a lump in your throat. It's growing much too rapidly. It comes with the tears. They're almost there.

“I know what you feel. Believe me. My heart is kept prisonner by my own brother, but still I will fight to the death for him. I feel it too. But we're at war here. Another one.”

“It's not her fault. She's trying her best to maintain peace but our own people are making it impossible! How is that fair, O? Tell me how it is fair that you can't be with Lincoln, after all you've been throught because of your own family? How is it fair that I had to leave the peace and quiet of Lexa's bed minutes after allowing myself happiness, because the people I sacrificed myself to save are trying to ruin everything we've built? Tell me, Octavia! Because I am trying hard to understand the situation here, but it is not easy.”

She has a hand on your shoulder, and she gets it. Your voice trembles. You can't take this situation anymore. You want to scream, and you want Pike's head crushed underneath the wheels of a car you're driving. You want him to suffer your burden. You want out. You can't breathe and it dawns on you. That you bear the guilt of so many death, you gave your sanity in exchange for the lives of your people. It almost destroyed yours and Lexa's heart. Still you found your way back to each others. Only to have it ripped away from you. You want to understand how this works. Is this karma? Are you being punished for the lives you've taken at Mount Weather? Will you suffer incredible pain, for the rest of your life Aware of all you could have, but never able to reach for it.

You crumble. The exhaustion, the anger, the yearning for something you can't have makes it all too painful to fight the tears and you let them show.

“It's not. It's not fair, Clarke. It might never be.”

Sobs wrench from your throat and she grabs you before your knees hit the ground. Your head is on her chest, and you scream into it. You have to let it out. You grip her arms, she grips your head. Nothing is said. You both understand the pain of the other. You both live it. You think you feel more tears but they don't belong to you. There are only two however. Octavia was always the strongest. And forever you will pretend like you didn't know that she cried with you.

Finally, your body calms down. It feels like it's been hours. Actually, you think it might have been. You look up to her, silent tears still unable to be contained.

“I love her, O.”

“I know.”

Saying it out loud is liberating. You wish you could have said it to her instead. The fear that you might never be able to is crushing. You cry some more silently tucked beneath her chin, eyes opened, gaze fixing nothing. You can't move. Not even when someone is at the front of the tent, asking for entry, and Octavia grants them. You feel emptied. Drained of energy. One her hand leaves your face for a few moment. And, after awhile, you're both alone again. She's holding something.

“There's your name on it. He said it's from Lexa. He went to see Indra but he's coming back in a few hours.”

You can't answer because your voice is inexistent. Your throat is closed off, sealed. The lump is too big, you'd think you were supposed to choke to death with a lump this big. You only nod, and more tears fall. Where are they coming from? You want it to stop.

She reads the plea in your eyes, and put you back on your feet, guides you to the bed, and you lie down. Exhausted. She unseal the letter. Begins to read.

“Clarke,

I couldn't not think of you. You have invaded my mind as well as my soul and heart.

I wish to be here with you too. The thought of you battling alone is unbearable. I would give my life for the guarantee of yours safe for eternity.

Titus' patience is running short, making mine run even shorter. You words are the only thing that allow me to stay sane. Sometimes, there seems to be too much obstacles between us and I fear that we'll never find our way back to each other. But when I really search myself, when I allow myself to feel, I know. We don't need to find our way back. We don't need to overcome obstacles between us. We stand as one, and even if the distance is keeping us from touching, we were never separated. If anything, we only came together.

You were never a weakness of mine, Clarke. You showed me that love is a way of life. Love is the greatest weapon of all and without it, you are forever bound to a life of pain, and regrets. Choices have been made in the past, decisions that can never be erased, but those are not weaknesses. Not anymore. This is our way of life now. Let it be filled with hope. I have this ability now. Because now I hope to hear from you again. I hope to see you again. And the burden of the 12 clans is not so crushing anymore. I know now that I am not alone.

Be safe. Stay safe. And come back to me.

Yours eternally,

Leksa.”

You're silent for long moments. Octavia's voice is deep, raspy and soothing. Your eyes are closed and you feel sleep taking over once again. It's too powerful, you don't even fight it.

“Do you want to answer, Clarke?”

You nod faintly and that's the only thing you remember before darkness eat your last thought of love, hope, and safety.

The sun is high when you open your eyes. They're heavy but you feel a bit rested. Octavia is asleep sitting up, next to the bed, the letter neatly folded next to you. You slip out of the tent, silently. She needs rest as well. You seek Indra, and quickly spot her with Izel.

“Wanheda.” He says, bowing his head. “I was letting Indra know that Lexa wish to be informed of the plan at the earliest convenience. I waited for you to be well rested to see if there was anything other you wished for me to tell her.”

“Hum.. Yes. But wait a moment, please? Indra, any news from Kane?”

“Yes, Kane kom Skaikru has contacted me through the radio. The situation is unchanged, and tense. Sinclair has made it clear that he would help us, especially if we need to disengage to doors of Arkadia, if necessary, as well as the electric fence.”

“Okay, good. Good. Anything on my mother? Other people willing to take Pike down?”

“Yes, Abby is working with Raven to see if there's any way to take down Pike without having to start a war, they want to spare as many lives as they can. Marcus managed to rally a few people to their side. He didn't reach Bellamy though. He still stands his ground but hasn't been informed of the upcoming rebellion.”

“Okay.. Maybe O should talk to him. Maybe I should..”

“Someone needs to go inside the walls, we haven't told them that you were here yet.”

“I'll go. I need to see my mom. And Raven. We need to get everyone that is against Pike out of these walls. They can't stay inside. If there's an attack, they'll be the first killed. The goal is not to kill Pike. We need to stand by Jus drein noun jus daun. We don't want to create an uprising so we can't just go for it and risk our people to get killed. We need to trap them inside. Once we evacuate Kane's people, we can make a deal. We need weapons. We need guns. And for some people to stay behind. In case. To open the fence. And try to talk them down.”

“I'll go with you.”

It's Octavia. She's behind you.

“But we need more time.” She adds.

“Yeah, I need to go there now and come back, today. Assess the situation from the inside. Then, we'll take the night and tomorrow's day to plan the evacuation. It'll happen tomorrow night. O, you have to talk to Bellamy, try and get him to hold off any plans of attacking the blockade.”

“What do we do when Kane's people are out ?”

“I don't know. I guess we'll have to go and take the offensive. Confront Pike, and act fast so he doesn't have the time to be prepared. We'll need guns in case he start off something so we can defend ourselves. I'll ask Kane if he can get some.”

“Seems like a plan. What time is it?”

Indra looks up at the sky and seems to think only briefly.

“It's around 8 in the morning. We'll arrange for you to go to Arkadia in two hours.”

“Okay. I'll meet you there. Izel, will you follow me?”

“Of course, Wanheda.”

Once you're inside, you don't waste anytime. You rip a page of you sketchbook, and start to write. You don't want to waste any time. You have to talk to her.

Leksa,

The plan is advancing. Tomorrow night, we'll try and evacuate Kane's people from Arkadia, before taking the offensive and confronting Pike. I am myself about to go into Arkadia right now to assess the situation and try to make plans with the people inside it.

You are constantly in my mind, and I miss you more than I thought possible. There's a hole inside my chest and only you can fill it.

The hours pass and they feel like days. Has it only been two nights? Because I feel like it's been years since I last saw you. But it feels like a minute ago, that I kissed you. I feels like a minute ago that I could touch your love instead of hoping for it. It all feels like a vivid dream that is confused with reality.

I need to be reminded that you exist, that you're real. That you're mine.

I am scared of what is to come. I hope to see you again.

Yours forever.

Clarke.

“Izel, take this to Heda, as fast as you can. You should be there by this afternoon, yes?”

“Yes, Wanheda. I will take the fastest horse.”

“And remember to give it to her in confidence. Also, tell her that I think she looks beautiful.” He frowns and you smile. Maybe you won't get to tell her again so you might as well tell her by proxy.

“I just know that she will be. She needs to be reminded.”

He nods, smiling.

 “Thank you, Izel.”

He leaves immediately after, and you know that you won't get another word from her for long hours. The time for the trip and back will take hours. If he returns right away, he won't be there until midnight. He might not even return right away, so you might have to wait for tomorrow. Those seem like long hours.

Two hours of lazy resting and reading again Lexa's letters, and you're heading for Arkadia, covered with a hood. Octavia is leading the way, and you will your mind into focus.

You remember the way, you took not that long ago. And before you know it, you're walking the corridors of the Ark, quickly seeking shelter. Octavia knows where to lead you, and after only moments, you're pulled into a room, and strong arms crush your shoulders with tenderness.

“Mom..” You feel like you want to cry again because there's so much you want to tell her. Finally we meet again. I love you. Mom I forgive you. Forgive me in return? Mom, I am in love with Lexa, I don't know how to handle it. Can you sing me to sleep like before? Could we go back up, with dad, and Wells, and Finn? Mom, I'm glad you're safe.

“Clarke, you're okay.” You feel her smile against your cheek, it radiates all through you, and warms the cold around your heart.

When you pull back, there's no time for tears and pleasantries. You're the enemy here. There's no time for love, and comfort. There's only time for strategy that you don't want to think about.

“I am.” Smiles. They're only necessary. They're all you're allowed. They don't take times, and they're easy. You can talk at the same time.

“Okay, so we've got Miller that's been working as a double agent” Kane interrupts. He gives you a loving smile but one more time that's all there is. More smiles. “They're not planning anything for a few days so what do you reckon we should do? He's already working on getting us some guns.”

You quickly talk about everything there is to know. You don't stay more than an hour. And when the conversation drift to the grounders and Lexa's position, there's a knowing look in your mothers eyes. Sometimes you forget that she's your mother and she knows you better than you know yourself. And when she hugs you goodbye, and whispers may we meet again , in your ear, she adds “It's going to be okay Clarke. We're going to be fine.”

You thank all the gods that she's your mom, and she knows that you need to hear those words.

You go back with Octavia and you don't see, hidden behind a tree, the shadow of Bellamy watching over you. You don't see his somber look, the one he sported a few days back when he accused you of abandoning him. You just go your way and re-enter your tent, spend the day talking strategy, over radio conversation, endlessly repeating the same thing over and over, organizing for Kane's people to be freed before you can basically assault Arkadia from inside. The doors will be unlocked and the armies of the twelve clans will be ready if a war is declared. That's the plan. And you already know it's not going to work.

You just have this gut-wrenching feeling that something is not right because everything is going all too well. And plans don't last in wars, Lexa once told you, so you wonder when yours is going to fail, or something is going to stand in the way of it. You just wonder when it's all going to go to shit. But it's a good plan, and you can't come up with another one that doesn't include 12 armies laying waste of Arkadia, blooshed, dying people and loved ones gone forever. So you just stick with this plan. It'll work.

When the night settle, and you're tired of going over the same thing, you just go outside, and wander through the trees. You think about writing Lexa again. But you don't. You don't know what to say more than you already did. Your words would just repeat themselves. I love you, I love you, I love you. Please, never let me go. I wish you were the sole purpose of my life. I wish our love didn't know any boundaries. But it does, and it hurts. It won't soon. Maybe someday, maybe someday is tomorrow night. Maybe this is when it all ends and after that, you can be Clarke and Lexa. Heda and Wanheda. The Commander and the Ambassador. You can be all of it and not be at war.

You close your eyes and breathe in the smell of the forest. Somewhere in there, you breathe her smell. And you thank your memory for being so accurate. For being this sharp. Because it is capable of making you believe that you hear her breathing. That you feel her body behind your own. You could swear that she is here. Oh, how you want her to be. How your skin aches, and long for her touch.

But it's all too real, and soon enough you don't thank your memories anymore. You curse them, you despise them because when you open your eyes, she won't be in front of you. When you open your eyes, she won't be breathing in the same air as you. And tears find their way between your eyelashes, they break free despite your closed eyes, and none of it is fair because you could swear that she is here.

“You look rather beautiful too, Clarke.”

This voice, that has haunted your dreams and all your waking hours. It's here. Eyes opening, breath catching, you just can't believe. She's here.