Goodnight, Travel Well
You know Octavia is right. You accept it with each step that you take. It doesn't make it any easier though. It doen't feel any more right that you have to say goodbye. But your people need you. They can't seem to make any right decisions without you, and the guilt of having walked away is haunting you. You have to make it right again.
Your heart is already heavy but it's only going to get harder. You love it here. Polis is welcoming, full of life. You feel more at home than Arkadia. As if you've ever felt home there. But you know a great part of this has to do with Lexa. She gives you a sense of belonging. You're amazed by how much safety she has given you over the course of the last weeks. You have accepted all that has happened in the past. You're a lot alike. That's what makes this connection much more special. It's the understanding, the sense that someone share your burden. The responsabilities, the losses. The heavy weight that crushes your shoulders when you feel entitled to the fate of your people.
But it's got to be done. It's painful, but necessary. You knock gently on her door but enter right away. It's how easy your relationship has become. How comfortable. You look around, search for her. You can't see her at first and panick strikes in. What if you can't say goodbye ? Times are so uncertain you don't think you can go without seeing her one last time.
She's here though, ten feets away from you. You stop immediately. Everything in your body stops. Your legs, your heart, your lungs, your brain. The sight that graces your eyes is ethereal. It's beyond irrational, because how can this be the same commander that put a kill order on your people ? How is this the fierce Heda of the 12 clan ?
Her braids are gone, her hair falling over one shoulder. No war paint. No attire. Just Lexa, and apart from the decoration on her forehead, there's no sign of the commander. The light of day is slowly casting on her face, as if it's afraid to touch her. Afraid of breaking this image of utter perfection.
You can't believe your eyes, it makes all this so much harder. She's looking at you, and she understands. She sees the heaviness behind your eyes, she knows what it means.
" When do you leave ? ''
'' Now. ''
You feel this pull towards her, you follow it. A few steps closer. She's so close now. Still you wish you could be closer, because in this moment, you realise. You're ready. You have been for a long a time if you're really honest with yourself. But you were scared, and hurt, and processing. You're none of these now. Now you know, which is utterly heartbeaking because now is when you have to leave.
'' I'm sorry.. ''
You say it but you're not sure who it's meant to. Yourself ? Her ? What does it mean ? Sorry I can't yet again give you what you want ? Sorry I leave you behind ?
'' Don't be. You have to go back, they're your people. ''
Her understanding is astonishing. Groundbreaking. You want to kiss her then. You don't.
'' That's why I- ''
Freeze. Your eyes find hers. Lips quiver and you think she's going to cry. Vulnerability makes her look beautiful, and strong. You're mezmerized. Is she going to say it ? Is she going to be weak or strong ?
'' That's why you're you. '' She says, voice trembling. She's holding back. For you, you know that. So you want to indulge her with some sense of reassurance. You want to promise her the world, yourself, but you know you can't. Not when this world is safe for nobody. And when anything could happen. The uncertainty dictates your words.
'' Maybe someday, you and I will owe nothing more to our people. ''
The tiny smile that graces her lips is nothing but sad.
" I hope so. "
But there isn't an ounce of hope in her voice. She sounds defeated, heartbroken. Still she puts on a brave face. Forever set on holding back. She extends her arm to you. This is it. When you grab it, there's electricity. It happens each time she touches you, however rare that is. You feel her strength has she holds thight. Tighter than necessary. But it's okay because you want to feel her touch all the way through your bones.
" May we meet again ? ''
The question mark hangs in the air. It's there, you're sure she's asking you. Seeking for reassurance. Seeking for confirmation that this isn't farewell. Maybe this is just goodbye. She sounds so broken and open. You know she's pleading you in her own way, and you can't take it. It's in her eyes, this look of pure and unadulterated love. It's undying, unwavering. It matches your own. If love is weakness, you're the weakest of them all.
Nothing exists anymore but the look she gives you and your need to never let go of her arm. You don't. You can't. It's beyond your power and you don't fight it. You let yourself be consumed by this want. There's nothing to say anymore. You can't say anything to prove to her. So you let yourself be brave. In one step, one hand around her neck, lips collide gently but firmly. You paint on her lips all the words you can't say.
There are prayers of hope, of want, of relief. Of love. Finally, you give in to your feelings. She gives in to hers. You make it intense and meaningful for this is the only way to show her. You make it lingering and soft for this is probably the last time before a while.
Or so you thought. Because when you pull back, when you look into her eyes, there's an unshed tear slipping. Rolling. You swear you hear it crash on to the floor. Its force resonates all through to your heart. There she is. Heda, commander of the 12 clans, allmighty warrior, that even death can't scare, crying into your kiss. Soul bare and exposed.
You give up any kind of fight you have left and your love pours out of your heart in torrents. There's an ocean of devotion inside of you. You kiss her again, more forcefully. More beautifully. There's no stopping you now. You're bound to this girl, and she deserves to see the inside of your soul reflects on her own. You pull her closer, against you, you want to feel her body agaisnt yours. It feels amazing. Liberating.
It's not enough though. Reaching behind her neck you pull the ties of her top loose. Grab them, pull them down her arms. The feeling of her back in entrancing. Her breath on your lips pulls at your heart. There's more intimacy in this kiss than any other moments of your life. She gives as much as you. You can feel her letting go, embracing this moment like it was her last. Like she couldn't believe.
You want to make her believe it. You back her up to the bed and she sits down. Looks up into your eyes and what you see shatters you life into a million pieces. No one ever looked at you the way she does. Shining with fresh tears, her eyes are open wide, her mouth agape, breathing hard. Admiration, loyalty. She looks up like one would look at the bright light of the sun, but never afraid of it's light burning her eyes. She's not blinded by your beauty, she's mezmerized by it. Unbelieving. Hopeful. Pleading. Loving. Ther's no going back from this. She has consumed your entire being in one look. It sets your body aflame. You need her.
She grabs your neck and pulls you on top of her. She's desperate, you're needy. You're kissing her again, open-mouthed, tongue battling for dominance but neither wanting to win. You're equals. It's beautiful and you moan into her mouth. You're straddling her, already grinding into her, like you can't escape it. You need more of her, you need to love her like there's no tomorrow. Your hands are at her hips and already pulling at her top. She sits up and help you discard it. Yours follow quickly after. You have no time to be overly gentle even if you're soft and caring. You're impatient. You've both been waiting long enough.
The kissing doesn't stop. It only intensify. Hands are roaming in places so rarely touched before. Across a collarbone, the muscles of a back, between ribs, as if counting them down one by one. The curve of a waist, descending on hips. You drink her in, grind down on her, take off your bra and watch her shed another tear of devotion. When she touches them, look at them, you arch, sigh, moan. It's all you can do not to come on the spot. Because nothing has ever felt so right. You wonder what it's going to be like when she touches you where you want and it makes you squirm. You don't want that to happen too fast because first you want to love on her.
You push her back against the bed, after taking off her bra. The first thing you do is worship her. Kiss every inch of skin without lingering because you're so thirsty for all of her, it aches. Her breasts are soft and they match your hand. Everything about her body seems to have been made for you. How such a creature exists in the same universe as you is a mystery. How she ended up in your life and in your bed are fucking miracles. She's a goddess. And you can't wait to see more. So you kneel before her. The irony doesn't escape you when you throw her a look full of meanings. The button of her jeans are unfastened, shoes are pulled off. Material is slid against soft skin and before you know it, she is almost bare. Body and soul this time. And your heart throb.
There are other places that are throbbing though and you intent on doing something about that. Kneeling again before her, you gently ( but not too much ) push her legs apart and start kissing her thighs.
" Klark.. Beja. ''
She's looking down at you. More tears. Frustration. You smirk devilishly, thriving of having Heda at your mercy like this.
'' Tell me what you want, Commander. ''
She closes her eyes, a pleading sighs escaping her lips, push her hips up in hope to find something but the only words coming out of her mouth are just '' Klark, beja. ''
And you just keep on kissing her thighs, breathing over her and teasing her. You can smell her and it's glorious.
'' That's not very specific, Commander.. I'm a little lost on what to do. ''
Your smirk never leaves your face. You're enjoying this far too much when you know you don't have time. But this is empowering. You're surprised when she sits up, face dark and desperate, grabs your face with both her hands and whispers in your opened mouth.
'' Put your mouth on me, now. ''
Your voice drops to a whisper; it's dripping with want when you say '' Is that an order, Heda ? ''
'' Yes. ''
She's fierce when she says it, but demanding, in the softest way. She kisses you with the kindest of kisses but it feels like it's the most powerful of all. You slide her underwear off her legs, never breaking the kiss and when you pull back, you descend on her instantly. She doesn't lie back down though. She watches you when you pull her at the very edge of the bed and take in the sight of all that is her. You lick your lips before diving in and taste her one hard time. The noise that comes out of her is surreal. It's between a sigh, a plea, a moan, and a cry. You can't detach your lips from hers. Oxygen be damned. She's captivating and you feel alive. You devour her, and she's delicate when she grabs your hair. Finally lying back, she slowly lets go and quiet broken moans keep escaping her. It's music to your ears, to your heart.
You're grateful that you still have your pants on because it creates the tiniest of friction. It keeps the throbbing under control because what you're witnessing is a magic mix between incredibly arousing and eternally beautiful. You don't close your eyes, you watch everything she does, every reaction. Her hand coming up to her mouth, biting down to keep from moaning too loud. The way her hair are still cascading over her shoulder. Her abs tensing, clenching, with every jolt of pleasure. The way her breasts go up and down with every deep breath.
You commit it to memory. Carve it behind your eyes to never forget the reality before you. When she comes is the best, though. Eyes closed but peaceful, mouth opened, a single gasp escaping her then silence. Like this is the only moment in time that she is not herself. She's someone else. She's a simple girl born in a small Trikru village, making love to her girlfriend. She's a sky girl that has never known of pain and death, enjoying this moment in time. She's everybody else but Heda, the weight of the title is nothing. Its irrelevance hit you like a train and you love her a little bit more than before.
You ride it out with her, and when the last wave has passed, climb back on top of her to kiss her. She's lazy when she kisses back. Content. Calm.
" You're beautiful, you're so beautiful it hurts. " You don't expect the words to live your mouth but they do anyway. She smiles slowly, opens her eyes and you're sure your souls are one.
You're on your back in less time it takes for her to unbutton your pants and she's already pulling them down your legs. Surprise comes first and then want. You help her get it off and get in the middle of the bed in the process. She follows you and suddenly you're aware that your bodies will touch for the first time, naked and vulnerable. Your hot skin craves for hers, you pull her on top of you aggressively. She's all too happy to obliges, slides between your legs with grace, with power. She lowers herself on you, it feels like you can't breathe and you absolutely love it.
Everything is going so fast but so slow. Lexa kisses everywhere at once, lingering but never long enough. When the last item of clothing is discarded, you moans with anticipation. you've never been so needy and wanting before, and when fingers dip between your legs and find out much you want her, everything stops. She smirks and moan at the same time because how could she not ? She made this, and she made this.
" Have you been waiting for me, love ? "
Love. It's the first acknowlegment of what this is. Or a spoken one that is. It easily falls out of her lips, and crash agaisnt yours. You welcome it, it makes you heart grow. Leksa kom Trikru is going to make love to you. Nothing could take away the warmth that envelops you at this moment.
" Like you have no idea. "
Small smiles are exchanged, eyes darkening, breath mixing. Mouth against mouth, then against skin. Your neck, you breasts, the valley in between. Their continuing descents sends chills down your spine. You can't believe you finally get to have this moment. You can't believe Lexa has her head between your legs and is about to go down on you. What kind of dream is this ?
The first feel of her tongue breaks you. You moan. Loudly. You've never been quiet in bed, for the little experience you have anyway. But this time is going to be louder, you know it. Because you feel everything. The gentle caress of her breathing through her nose, her hands sneaking around your thighs, pressing on your stomach, keeping you from bucking too much. The other is tightly grasping your thighs, trying to keep it opened. It feels amazing. You keep getting louder because you can't not be. You're not in control anymore, Lexa is. And she's playing you like a fuckning violin. Making you hit notes you didn't know you had. Stroking you in all the right places, at all the right times.
" Leksa, beja. More. " You manage to say, how, you're not sure. " I need you, all of you. "
She gets it, it's how much you love each other. She enters you softly but in one thrust, and quickly work a rythm. You're overcome with emotions. You feel whole. Complete. In synch with yourself and with her. You come with her name on your lips, you repeat it like a mantra. A prayer. Like it's the only word from the vocabulary that is allowed past your lips. You grab her hand and hold on to her like she's the only thing grounding you to the bed. You feel like floating.
" Leksa, fuck.. "
She comes up to kiss you, then, when you've finally calmed down. You feel sedated. Soon though, she collapses next to you and rolls on her side, facing away. You think maybe this is it but then again, it's not. Not really. It'll never be. So you stroke her arm, over her tattoos. You feel like it's time to go.
" If Octavia and I are going to get behind the blockade by dawn.. "
" Shhh.. "
You smile. It's all you can do. She sounds so calm once again. It soothes you. It's not like you want to go either. You can pretend a little longer. You trace your fingers on her back, over her other tattoo.
" It's beautiful. "
" I got it on my asenscion day. A circle for every Nightblida that died when the Commander chose me. "
" Seven circles.. I thought you said there were nine officiates at your conclave ? "
" There were.. " There's something you can't place in her voice.
" What happened to number eight ? "
She faces you back now. She looks so beautiful you almost forgot in the minute she was facing away.
" Can we talk about something else ? "
She looks so small, but so free. And you're reminded how much she doesn't look like Heda. How much of Lexa she is right now and you're mezmerized once again.
" We don't have to talk at all.. "
She smiles like never before then. It's so full and bright. She looks happy. It's genuine and heartbreaking. It's because of you and the thought alone fills your chest with pride and happiness. She rolls on her side and leans in to kiss you. It's sweet, all smiles and affection. All traces of sadness are forgotten when you grab her hand and gently guide it where you can show her how much you still want her. Even when it's only been minutes. Once again she climbs on top of you, but this time you don't want to stop kissing her. You know that after this time, that's it. You have to leave. So you kiss deep, you kiss like you mean it.
One of your hand slides between your bodies and the other grabs the back of her neck. You pull her in, never wanting to let go. You need her to know that this isn't the last time. But at the same time, you need her to remember you for days, so she can't have the time to forget what you feel like inside of her. You want to kiss her as she comes, moaning into your mouth, while you come with her. So when she enters you once again, you do just the same. You're not gentle, you're not brutal, you're you and it seems to please her. She bucks into your hand, matching your every move. Your breaths mix, so does your moans. They come out as one, and form one and only sounds. Your legs are tangled and you move in synch.
If one where to see you, they wouldn't be able to tell you apart. You feel beautiful under her hands, you feel beautiful inside of her and you feel glorious wrapped around her fingers.
" Come with me Clarke " She says, low and pleading.
You imediately clench at her words, like a shock to your system. You feel her do the same and the feeling of coming at the same time as your lover is beyond words. You feel like a whole world opened up to you and swallowed you both. You don't want to stop though, it's too glorious, too magnificent a feeling to let it go away. So you keep thrusting into her, as she keeps doing as much. Soon enough, you're both coming again, and again. It's infinite and overwhelming. You've lost yourself in her. She has invaded you. You're her and she's you.
When it's all too much and too sensitive, though you both pull out, and she collaspses on top of you, breatheless, spent. Sated. You keep you arms around her, tightening your embrace. Taking her in. You smell her hair, kiss her forehead. You memorize.
" It's time, now. " You whisper. She knows.
Sad smiles and quivering lips are back but it's not as bad as before because now she knows. You shared this moment and it will forever stands in infinity. It's carved in the skin of you thighs. It's left traces on her back. You're going to feel her and she's going to feel you for days to come.
So you get dressed in silence, it's not heavy. It's comfortable. Like old lovers that are not afraid to share the quiet, the unspoken. There is sadness, it's true. Your heart is heavy there is no denying. But it is made lighter by the knowledge that this will happen again.
Fully dressed, you stand before her at the door. You kiss her hard, one last time, a single tear escaping and you pull her into you. It's the first time you hug like this. You didn't know you needed it, but you do now. It lasts long minutes and then you are out the doors. No words are said, you don't trust your voice.
When you meet Octavia, you're ready to be done with this. You're set on protecting your people but this feels unfair that their mistakes keeps you from making the right choice. Because for you, the right choice is at the top of this tower. You have a foot on the stirrup when you hear it.
" Klark kom Skaikru! "
She's here again. Two gards are at her side but with one move of her hand they stop a few feet away from where you stand. She wears a cape, and come to you hurriedly. She extends her arm like she did before and you grab it. You're close, much to close for this encounter to seem formal but you don't care. Let Octavia see. Let Indra see.
" May we meet again. " She says, and this time there's a small smile at the corner of her lips.
" We will. " You say with assurance. You lean in close, and whisper only for her " I'm coming back for you, love. "
You kiss her flushed cheek subtly.
Once you're on your horse and you look back at her retreating figure turning back to look at you, you know. This is not the end. This has only just begun.