The day started with a phone call.
Therese looked up as the phone rang, her spoon halfway to her mouth, and Carol got up. "I'm so sorry, darling. I have to take this. I've been waiting for Harge to call and let me know what time he's willing to let me have Rindy today."
Therese nodded. "Of course."
As Carol left the room, Therese suddenly didn't feel hungry anymore. She swirled her spoon restlessly in her oatmeal, kicking her legs against the chair childishly. Of course she shouldn't mind that Carol was going to see Rindy today. It was, after all, all Carol had been talking about for the past week. And Therese is happy for Carol, able to finally see her child after weeks of being denied the privilege. Most normal mothers did want to spend every waking moment with their children. Most normal mothers put their love for their children above all else. That was the way of it, and Therese had known that she would never be the one Carol loved the most from the beginning.
But, thought Therese rebelliously, the only time that Carol really could give her all of her attention was on weekends. And now Carol was gone, out of their cozy everyday life, her mind elsewhere. It wasn't that Therese was jealous, really. She wasn't jealous of Rindy, a sweet little girl who had offered to let Therese play with her train set the first time Carol had been allowed to spend more than five minutes with her alone, back at the big house in the country. They had sold the house soon after that, and Harge hadn't allowed Rindy to stay at the apartment in the city. Therese knew it was because of her presence there, though Carol was very careful to never say her name in front of Harge.
No, Therese wasn't jealous of the little girl, with Carol's smile and manner, who had shown such kindness to her that day. She had taken Therese's hand and asked her to read a book with her. Therese was jealous of Carol, of Carol being away from Therese for an entire day and into the evening, if Harge was generous. She was jealous of Carol's other life before Therese, and her fierce love for her child when Therese had never known anyone's love until Carol came into her life. And the jealousy was sitting in her tummy, like a big stone, making it hard to ignore.
The guilt about her feelings and ever-present ache and worry of being left behind suddenly overwhelmed Therese, and she tried to set herself straight. "Act your age for once, Therese," she whispered fiercely. "You will not be sour and deny Carol the chance to be with Rindy because you're being a baby."
But, Therese thought, feeling her wet diaper press against her bottom and the twitch of her thumb, pushed against her thigh to stop herself from sucking, she didn't feel very big, either. And she suddenly wanted Carol; she wanted Carol badly. Leaving her breakfast on the table and not even bothering to clean up the oatmeal-and-milk splashes she'd left from her restless cereal-stirring, she got up and wandered into the hall.
Carol was speaking animatedly into the phone. "That's wonderful, Harge. Thank you. Yes, I had planned to take her to the zoo, and then out to a restaurant for dinner. I'll of course have her back home before bedtime. I don't suppose I could speak to her? Lovely." There was a silence, and then Carol's voice changed, her usual low register higher, sweeter. "Hello, snowflake! Oh, it's so good to hear your voice. Yes, I'm going to come and see you today. Have you planned something special for us? We're going to have a lovely day together. I should arrive mid-morning. Yes, I'm very excited, too!"
Therese felt a headache start up in the back of her neck, reaching around to squeeze her head painfully. Her thumb twitched again, and this time, Therese gave in, even though she knew Carol hated it when she sucked her thumb, and preferred that if Therese needed to suck, she ask to nurse, instead. But right now, Therese didn't feel comfortable asking that from Carol when Carol was going to take care of a real little girl, her little girl she'd never done that with. She hadn't even really changed Rindy's diapers; there had been a nanny for that. How could Therese ask for more than Carol had done for her own child?
Therese turned from Carol and sucked her thumb, which was comforting and made the headache recede a little bit. She didn't get the paralyzing anxiety attacks like she used to, but the headache was always the first sign. Behind her, she heard Carol finish her phone conversation. "Thank you, sweetheart. I'm on my way to see you. I'll be there soon. Bye-bye."
Carol hung up the phone and started a bit at the sight of Therese in the hallway. "Oh! Have you finished your breakfast already, darling?" She came over and put a warm hand on Therese's shoulder, and Therese turned a little bit towards Carol, who grimaced. "Oh, Therese. Sweetheart, you know that you shouldn't suck your thumb. How many times will I have to say it before you listen?" She gently pulled Therese's thumb from her mouth, and Therese's lips made an unconscious sucking motion before she pouted.
"No, darling, it's just not sanitary. Now, look. Why don't we have a little nurse before I get ready to leave?" Carol brushed Therese's hair back from her cheeks. "You'll like that, won't you."
Therese let Carol take her hand and lead her down the hall towards the bedrooms at the back of the apartment. There were two bedrooms; ostensibly, one was for Rindy, if Harge ever let her come to stay with Carol. It was mostly undecorated, but the twin bed, bookshelf, and rug lent a sense of home to the otherwise sparse decor. There were a few toys and books, and the train set that Carol had given Rindy for Christmas. Sometimes, Therese played with it; she always asked Carol if Rindy would mind. Carol assured her that Rindy wouldn't mind at all, that she was a generous and sweet little girl who would enjoy knowing someone was playing with her toys and keeping them in good working order.
Therese took naps on the twin bed in this room, and sometimes she slept here when Carol needed some time alone or when Abby came over. She also slept here when Carol deemed her "overwrought", which mostly meant when Therese had a tantrum or argument of some kind and needed some time to cool off before Carol let her back into the big bed for the night.
But the bigger room was the room they shared most of the time. The main feature was the huge king-size bed that Carol had gotten for a fraction of the cost from the furniture store where she worked. She'd positioned it so that it faced the huge bay window, which overlooked a small park at the back of the apartments. From the bed, cradled in Carol's arms, Therese could see waving green treetops and soft white clouds, and she would focus on this view as Carol would soothe her back to sleep on weekend mornings or when Carol herself needed a nap and let Therese sleep with her.
The wardrobe had Therese's work clothes in it, jostling against Carol's beautiful dresses and expensive suits. There was also a snowy pile of diapers on the wardrobe shelf, and plastic pants in the drawer next to it. Therese was getting so that she couldn't be without diapers now; she wore them almost all of the time. It wasn't convenient at work, but there was a sense of relief, Therese thought, with not having to deal with accidents in that high-stress environment, though she did sometimes slightly resent having to bring a fresh diaper and pair of plastic pants with her. But she didn't enjoy the cold wetness pressing against her all day, either. Carol had suggested that they stop with the diapers, one night, when Therese had complained about having trouble pinning the diaper on in the ladies' toilets, but Therese didn't want to stop. She was used to the comforting press of the padding against her bottom, and Carol always made sure that she was clean and dry the moment she got home.
Now, Carol led Therese to the edge of the bed, which was covered in a soft chenille bedspread and about ten pillows, and patted her bottom. "Well, no wonder you're fractious; you're wet. Darling, you're going to have to say something once in awhile; I can't read your mind," said Carol, pulling Therese into her arms and kissing her cheeks, bringing out Therese's dimples. "Even though you think I can, I know. But you can't sit with a wet bottom. You'll get another rash, and then you'll be simply miserable. These plastic pants are terrible for bringing rashes. I remember poor Rindy struggling with that very problem. They're just not very breathable, though I suppose they've definitely improved our lives somewhat."
Rindy again, thought Therese darkly, her smile disappearing as she lay on the bed. Why did Carol have to bring her up now? She was going to see the little girl; wasn't that enough? Couldn't they have this time together now? She tried not to scowl, but couldn't keep a pout from her face as Carol lifted her dress and began to take off her plastic pants.
"What a sour face," teased Carol, tickling Therese's tummy lightly. "Goodness, I hope it doesn't freeze that way. You're never what I'd call sunny, Therese, but you're certainly less cranky than you've been this morning. I hope it's just because you're wet and need a little attention."
"Why do you have to go?" It slipped out before Therese could stop it, and she flushed, her voice coming slowly, as it always did when she was discomfited. "I mean, I'm sorry, Carol. Of course you have to go. I'm being silly."
Carol finished pinning Therese's fresh diaper and tapped her hips. "Up, please." Therese obediently raised her hips, and Carol slipped on the pants. After checking to make sure there was a tight seal around Therese's thighs to prevent leaking, she pulled down Therese's dress and walked out of the room to wash her hands. Therese's headache worsened, and she sat up on the bed, blinking sudden tears out of her eyes. Why did she always have to say the wrong thing?
Carol came back in, her manner brisk. "Well, Therese. I hope you're not going to make a fuss over my leaving to see Rindy today. Not when it's the first full visit I've gotten to have with her?"
"No, of course not," said Therese, struggling for her adult side. "I'm happy you're going to visit with her today."
"But?" Carol unbuttoned her shirtwaist dress and sat on the other side of the bed, away from Therese, positioning a few pillows behind her and settling against them. She unhooked the front of her bra and held her arms out to Therese, who hesitated. "Well, come on then, Therese. I've got to leave soon."
Therese flushed miserably, and Carol's voice softened. "It's just for a day, sweetheart. And I'll be right back this evening."
Therese crawled across the bed, clutching the blue woolen blanket that always lay at the bottom, and settled into Carol's arms, her head cradled in the crook of Carol's right arm, her body across Carol's lap. She spread the blanket over herself, Carol helping to tug it into place, and then turned with a sigh into Carol's chest, her lips finding the nub of Carol's nipple. But before she could close her eyes and latch, Carol tipped her chin up gently.
"You're going to be all right here by yourself?"
Therese was going to nod; she was going to assure Carol that she'd be just fine. She was planning to sketch, maybe take a walk in the park and buy an ice cream. But her dark blue eyes filled with tears, instead. She shook her head, biting her lower lip.
Carol's face changed. A hint of exasperation crossed it, but then it settled into only concern. "Darling. Why not? You can't be a big girl for today?"
Therese shook her head again. Her head ached, and she pushed a hand against it, half in frustration. "I don't feel very well."
"It's your headaches again, isn't it. Oh, sweetie." At Carol's soft words, Therese began to cry, and Carol hushed her, cuddling her close and guiding her breast to Therese's mouth. "Shh, shh. Just relax. Calm down. It's all right."
Therese latched on and sucked, trying to get herself under control. She'd been left many times before on her own while Carol travelled to pick up furniture on consignment or to visit Abby; why was this any different? It couldn't be because she was afraid Carol would find a way to never come back, maybe agree to living with Harge again?
Carol was musing over Therese's head. "Well, I can't say I want to leave you when you're in this mood, either. You've been working fairly hard lately; maybe you're just a little run down." She stroked Therese's hair, which helped with the throbbing pain. Therese closed her eyes, Carol's nipple warm in her mouth. She sucked for a few long minutes in comfortable silence, Carol's warm hands soft on her skin, tracing her ear, and then Carol gently patted her cheek.
"All right. Time to switch sides; I'm getting a little sore." Therese obediently unlatched and sat up while Carol moved to the other side of the bed and repositioned Therese on her lap. They had tried having Therese just move over on Carol's lap, but both had been uncomfortable and Therese hadn't enjoyed not being held. So they moved, and it allowed Therese to wake up a little, since she could easily fall asleep nursing at any time of the day. Latching back on, Therese traced her finger over the mole on Carol's upper breast, gently moving her hand to trace Carol's beautiful collarbone and neck. Carol chuckled a little.
"You're very touchy-feely today." She leaned down and kissed Therese's forehead, watching her dimples come out. Therese loved to be kissed by Carol. She crinkled her eyes shyly and turned her face into Carol's breasts, closing her eyes determinedly. Maybe if they just stayed like this . . .
But all too soon, Carol was gently patting Therese's cheek again, and Therese faded back into reality. "All right, darling. That's all for now. I've got to get ready to go. I'm going to ask Abby to come and stay with you today, so I've got to give her a call before I leave."
Therese unlatched and sat up then, a little suddenly. "Abby's going to come over?"
"Why, yes." Carol was buttoning her dress up again and smoothing the wrinkles from the bottom of it. "I'd rather you were looked after today, and I don't gather you really want to be alone, Therese. Is that a problem?"
Therese looked at the rumpled bedspread and reached a hand out to smooth it. "Well, no."
"And anyway, darling, she'll know how to look after you, so you won't have to worry about not getting your meals on time or your nap." Carol was bustling around the room, her head in the wardrobe, her voice slightly muffled as she got her spring coat and hat.
Therese trailed after Carol as she picked up the phone in the hallway again. "Abby! I know, I know, I said I'd call you yesterday, but how you expect me to keep that promise when you know how busy we are at the store, I'll never know . . . now, listen, Abby, I'm in need of a favour today. Well, of course I'll ask for a favour even after I forgot to call! I've got to go and visit Rindy, and I'll be away most of the day. Could you come and sit with Therese? No, she's not feeling well today and I'm not comfortable leaving her on her own. I'll be back sometime this evening."
Carol paused, and eyed Therese, then turned around again. "She's a little teary, but no, she's not ill. She's got her headaches again . . . yes, the poor lamb. Anyway, she's had her breakfast, you'll just have to make sure she gets some lunch and dinner. She usually takes a nap in the afternoon . . . well, of course she does, Abby, do you expect the poor girl not to get her rest? It's very clear you've forgotten what it's like to have a younger woman in the house. No, I'm not twitting you about your age! Now listen. I'll write down the rest, I've really got to fly. Therese can entertain herself, Abby, what do you mean, what will you do with her? You can drink Manhattans all day if that's your fancy. I just don't want her to be alone. All right. Thank you, darling. I'll see you this evening. Bye, now."
Therese had been listening curiously, and she flushed when Carol looked up from scribbling a note on the pad beside the phone and frowned at her, though she'd known Therese was there the whole time. "Now, Therese, eavesdropping isn't polite," said Carol, but her tone was light, and she smiled at Therese. Standing by the front door, Carol quietly donned her coat and hat. "I do hope it won't be too warm."
"It doesn't seem too warm," ventured Therese. She stepped forward and helped Carol shrug into her lightweight woolen coat. Carol smiled her thanks, and kissed Therese lightly on the cheek, forehead, and lips.
"Now, I'll be back after supper sometime, sweetie. Be good for Abby; don't be sour. If your head feels any worse, please let her know so that she can give you some aspirin before it gets to be too painful and you'll cry all night, like last time." Carol's perfume settled over them both, and Therese threw her arms around Carol, breathing it in, trying not to let her eyes fill with tears again.
"Carol . . ." Therese's voice was low and choked. "What if . . . well, what if I'm . . . I need to change?" Her face flamed in embarrassment, and Carol gently held Therese off to look her in the eyes.
"If you need to be changed, Abby will do it. Don't be shy, darling, all right? I don't want to spend the rest of the weekend nursing you because you've got a sore bottom. We were going to go shopping this weekend, remember? Tell her when you're wet." Carol smoothed Therese's hair back from her cheeks and smiled. "Now, be a good girl. I'll see you this evening. Bye-bye." She kissed Therese again and was gone.
//~//
After Carol left, Therese looked at the door and then looked at the carpet runner in the hall, her eyes welling up with tears. Impatiently, she blinked them away and went into the living room, settling down in one of the comfortable rocking chairs and picking up the book she had left there. Concentrating on the story, she didn't even realize an hour and a half had gone by until she heard a key in the door, and jumped.
Abby Gerhard swung open the door briskly, and called out cheerfully. "Hello, Therese!" She walked in confidently, as if she owned the place, thought Therese in annoyance. She'd never liked Abby much, not since the week they had spent driving back from whatever little town Carol had left Therese in, the time Carol had driven away in the middle of the night on their road trip. Therese had spent the week nauseated and teary, her headache pounding and her eyes burning with the thousands of tears she'd shed from Iowa back to New York.
Abby seemed aware of Therese's hostility, but she simply chose to ignore it. Hanging her coat up in the front hall closet, she came into the living room and sat down across from Therese, in the rocking chair Carol always sat in of an evening. "How are you?" she asked. "Carol said you weren't feeling well today."
Therese didn't want to answer her, but she knew Carol would want her to be polite. "I'm managing," she said, her voice sounding rough even to her own ears. She knew at this point she should offer Abby a drink, but she didn't feel up to going into the kitchen. Instead, she turned her face away, looking out the big window that overlooked the street.
Abby looked slightly nonplussed. "Well, I was going to make some coffee," she said, her voice pointed. Therese flushed, chastened. "Would you like a cup?"
"No, thank you." A petulant tone; it did not go unchecked by Abby.
"Now, see here, Therese. We can make this difficult or we can have a nice day together. Wouldn't you like that? We could take a walk in the park, get some ice cream." Abby's voice softened. "I know you would rather Carol was here."
At Carol's name, Therese felt her eyes well up again. Good Lord, was she just going to cry this entire day? Her head started to pound again, and she looked down at her lap and blinked, two tears falling onto the pattern of her dress. As if on cue, her bladder twinged urgently, and she stood up, but she knew it was already too late as she hurried down the hallway to the toilet, the warm wetness soaking into her diaper. The cloth swelled between her legs, and she stopped just inside the bathroom door, flooding her diaper thoroughly. It was rare that Therese could make it to the bathroom these days, but she felt the need to try, especially around people she didn't know very well.
Therese stood awkwardly, her legs apart. Abby had followed her, and she looked sympathetically at Therese, her face soft. "Did you have a little accident?"
Therese didn't want to answer her. She just looked at the floor.
"It's all right. Why don't we change your diaper? Come on," and Abby made to take Therese's hand, but Therese snatched it away. As if from a long way away, she heard her voice break in a sob, and her eyes blurred with tears.
"I don't want you," she murmured, and Abby sighed, like a gusty wind.
"Oh, sweetheart. I know you don't."
"I want to be left alone," Therese sobbed, and she suddenly ran out, brushing past Abby, into the master bedroom. She slammed the door behind her in a rare show of temper, something she would have never done before Carol. Richard would have been surprised and shocked at this behaviour, thought Therese as she climbed up onto the still-rumpled bed and buried her face into Carol's pillow. The pillow smelled like Carol's hair and perfume, and it was comforting as Therese curled up on her side, her thumb slipping into her mouth, her chest hitching from the sobs. She hiccupped, pulling the blue woolen blanket over her again. She'd just stay here until Carol got home.
Abby knocked on the door. "Therese?"
"Go away," whispered Therese, but she wasn't brave enough to say it out loud. She turned her face into her pillow, hoping Abby would just leave. But the knocking came again, this time more loudly, insistently.
"Therese? Come on, sweetie. You can't stay in there all day, especially not if you're wet. Carol would have me murdered if I let you get a diaper rash."
Therese suddenly remembered the drive back to New York, Abby in the front, driving and chain-smoking cigarettes, and Therese in the back, drifting between sleeping and pretending to sleep. Therese had wet her pants somewhere between Chicago and Indianapolis, waking up and realizing that she'd never be able to ask Abby to stop in time, even if they were near a service station or diner. She'd stuffed the blanket that Carol had stashed in the backseat underneath her bottom so that she wouldn't wet the seat, and let it happen, her eyes fixed on the sky through the back window. The warm, secret wetness had given way to being cold and uncomfortable within moments, but she hadn't told Abby. She'd tried to sleep despite it, the way she had in the Home, but when Abby had pulled into a diner for lunch, Therese knew she'd have to get up and Abby would know.
Abby had never told Carol about that day; how she'd discovered Therese in tears in the backseat, how she'd had to coax her out and then saw the wet blanket and the stain on the back of Therese's skirt. She'd simply raised the lid of the trunk, taking from the suitcase a fresh pair of panties and a skirt, another pair of woolen tights, and changed Therese in the backseat. She'd gotten rid of the musty blanket and bought another warm woolen plaid one in a shop along the way, and there had been nothing else said. It was the first time Therese had experienced being changed as an adult, and Abby had been gentle and careful, never saying a word about the entire business. Therese had moved back to the front seat, and had asked Abby to stop if she knew she needed to go after that.
Now, Therese found herself getting out of bed and going to the door. She quietly opened it, knowing her face was red and swollen, the tears and mucus making it disgusting. But Abby didn't say anything. She just gently pushed past Therese and took a tissue from the box on Carol's nightstand, coming back to wipe Therese's face. "There," she said. "Now I can see you again."
Therese's lips curved up, a little, and Abby smiled back. "I know you don't want me to, Therese, but I've still got to take care of you. Now, why don't I change your diaper and then we can have something to drink? Would that be a good way to start again?"
Therese looked at the floor, but she nodded, barely, and took Abby's hand. Carol must have told Abby how shy Therese would be. Therese knew that Carol told Abby everything, and at that thought, a stab of jealousy shot through her chest. But she wasn't angry that Abby knew about her need to be little. Abby, oddly, seemed to understand everything about it.
Abby squeezed Therese's hand reassuringly and led her to the bed, and Therese pointed to the wardrobe. "The clean ones are in there," she said, her voice a little stronger. "And some fresh plastic pants."
"Thank you," said Abby, and got the supplies out while Therese lay down on the bed. Abby quietly lifted Therese's skirt and without another word, she removed Therese's plastic pants. They were getting a little smelly, so Abby placed them in the wetbag Carol had set up just to the left of the wardrobe and unpinned Therese's wet diaper.
Therese was curious. Would Abby know how to fold the diapers? Usually, Carol folded them for Therese and placed them in the plastic pants, ready for Therese to pin them on herself easily when she was at work. But Abby didn't have any children, and she wouldn't have had much exposure to them otherwise. Certainly she would have never had to deal with Rindy. But Abby expertly folded the white towelling and pinned it on Therese, almost more efficiently than Carol would. She even tucked the edges into the legs of the plastic pants, just like Carol. And with that, it was done, and Therese was clean and dry again.
Abby went to wash her hands, and Therese wandered out into the kitchen, realizing belatedly that she hadn't cleaned up the breakfast mess from earlier. Quickly, she gathered the bowls and spoons from the table and placed them into the sink, ready to wash with the lunch dishes. Wiping the table down, she flipped the kettle on and waited for Abby to join her.
Abby came into the kitchen and smiled at the kettle, beginning to hiss. "Did you change your mind about coffee?"
Therese nodded. "I'll have a cup with you, Abby," she replied, her voice still a bit shy. Abby busied herself with taking out two clean cups and the instant coffee, and Therese looked at the cracks in the linoleum floor before she ventured another remark.
"I thought maybe we could have tomato soup for lunch?"
"If you'd like," replied Abby. "It's certainly easy enough to make, and I'm sure you're starting to get hungry. How's your headache?"
Therese placed a hand to her head, as if checking it was still there. "It's all right."
"Managing?" asked Abby, and turned, a twinkle in her eye. Therese smiled a little sheepishly.
"I suppose."
When the coffee was ready, they took it out onto the fire escape, and Therese let the fresh air blow her hair. But all too soon, she started to shiver in the cold spring wind, and Abby firmly steered her back inside. "With the work you do, the last thing you need is to be sick with all of those deadlines. I'm sure the stress is plenty."
"It is," said Therese, surprised at how easy Abby was to talk to, now. "It's interesting, though. The Times is a busy place. I've just been promoted to weekdays only, so I don't have to cover nights or weekends unless someone is ill."
"I'm sure Carol is pleased about that," said Abby, her voice light, but there was a slight edge to it that Therese didn't miss. She looked down and Abby looked away. After a moment, Abby spoke again. "Come on. I'll make you some lunch, and then it'll be time for your nap, Carol said."
The tomato soup and grilled cheese sandwiches that Abby made were delicious. Therese ate happily until she felt herself wetting again, and then she started to feel tired and cuddly. Usually at this time, Carol would notice and feed Therese the last few bites of her lunch before cleaning her up and changing her, then nursing her to sleep.
But Carol wasn't here, and Abby wouldn't know about what to do. Therese felt her headache pound against her skull, and she put her spoon down, her eyes filling again. Abby had been talking about some renovations to her house, but she stopped when she saw Therese.
Her voice softened. "Is it just about time for a nap, do you think?"
Therese shook her head. Abby wouldn't be able to soothe her to sleep the way that Carol could. "I'll be all right," she said, her voice trembling a little. "I can skip it for today."
"Oh, I don't think so, little one," said Abby, her voice a bit incredulous, but still affectionate. "Carol told me just how important your naps were. And from what I can see, you could definitely use one. You're fairly pale, honey."
Therese shook her head again, this time more forcefully, feeling her headache knock against her skull. "I don't want to."
Abby raised her eyebrows. "Because Carol isn't here to take you up?"
Therese nodded, and then her lower lip started to tremble. She was tired, and in pain, and wet, and her face was dirty from lunch . . . it seemed like a lot of work to take care of all of that on her own, but how would Abby know what Therese liked? How would she be able to calm her down the way that Carol could? She felt her chest heave, and then she was crying, and Abby was clucking under her tongue.
"Oh, Therese. Shh. It's all right. Carol told me all about what to do when it comes to your nap. Don't cry, sweetheart." Abby got up from the table and brushed Therese's hair away from her wet cheeks. Therese found herself leaning into the touch, even though she didn't want to. Why couldn't she be an adult today? Abby probably thought her a proper milksop at this point.
But Abby simply dampened a napkin in the kitchen and wiped Therese's face, then gave her two aspirin and a glass of water. "I can tell your head's pounding away. You'll never sleep well unless you take them."
Therese swallowed the pills obediently, but she still sniffled, wiping her tears on her sleeve. It was all well and good for Abby to take care of her now, but she'd never be able to get Therese to sleep unless Therese just dropped into sleep of her own accord. She was so used to nursing down nightly now, even when she had to work the next day, that she couldn't imagine falling asleep any other way. But Abby simply pulled a saucepan out of the stove drawer and filled it with milk, setting it to heat over the stove.
Therese's curiosity got the better of her. "How do you know all this?" she asked, her voice rusty and teary. Abby turned from the stove and smiled.
"Carol didn't tell you?"
Therese shook her head, looking confused, and Abby smiled a different smile, this one soft and lovely and full of nostalgia. "Well, when Carol and I were younger, and together, we had a similar relationship to what you have with Carol now."
Therese didn't say anything for a moment. A similar relationship? "Were you . . . like me?"
Abby laughed, the sound bright in the soporific afternoon. "No. Goodness, no. No, Carol was like you. So that's how I know." And with that Abby turned back to the stove, stirring the milk carefully, much more carefully than Carol did, Carol who always let the milk burn a little. And Therese was mystified.
"Now," said Abby, "Carol and you certainly have a closer relationship than we did. She definitely looks after you much more than I did for her."
"What do you mean?"
"Now, Therese. That's not polite," Abby remonstrated, and Therese flushed. Abby reached up to the cupboard above the stove and pulled out a glass baby bottle, and testing the milk with one finger, filled it, screwing on the nipple securely. "That's just about right," she muttered. "A bit hot, but it'll take a moment to get you ready for your nap, anyway."
"I like it a little hotter," Therese murmured, and Abby smiled.
"Well, you won't get it until I've changed you, since you certainly seem to need it. I'm not going to let you go to sleep wet, so. No arguments."
Therese looked down at herself, and realized that without knowing, she was clutching the front of her dress. She let go and blushed brightly. She hadn't done that since she was a very little girl in the Home. "I'm sorry."
"It's all right, sweetie. Little girls do that," said Abby, as it was the most inconsequential thing in the world. Maybe it was. Had Carol? Therese tried to think of Carol needing to be little, like her, but couldn't reconcile the confident, sweet, caring woman in her mind with what Abby had said.
Abby picked up the bottle and came over to Therese, who took her hand. "Come on. You're so tired, honey," she said, making a sympathetic face at Therese, who suddenly sniffled, feeling, as Carol would say, overwrought. It had been a very emotional morning. The aspirin was starting to work, though, and Therese felt fairly well, with the exception of the familiar soreness starting up on her bottom.
In the bedroom, Abby frowned and tsked. "Therese. Did you sit there wet for a long time again? Carol will kill me now that you've got a rash. It's these darned plastic pants, I'll wager." She went into the bathroom to find the diaper rash cream. "I always had to use this with Carol, she had the most sensitive skin. I see you're just the same way."
Therese wasn't able to respond to any of it. Carol wore diapers as an adult?
Abby noticed Therese's face. "Oh, not all the time, of course. That's what I mean. She certainly allows this much more than I did."
So it wasn't the very same at all. "You only did it sometimes?"
Abby finished with Therese's change and washed her hands. When she came back, she sat beside Therese on the bed. "Well, Carol only needed it sometimes. She was a young wife, you know, and the pressures were quite a lot for both of us. But, we were raised to do it, I suppose, so it wasn't really too much strain after all."
Then Abby's face changed, and Therese knew she wouldn't answer any more questions. "Now, young lady, it's time for you to take a nap. No, no arguments, Therese. I know you're not used to anyone but Carol, but you need one or else you'll be just a mess when it comes time for Carol to come home."
Therese recognized the truth in that. Abby sat in Carol's customary spot against the headboard and patted her lap. "Come on, then."
The bottle was still nice and warm, even though it wasn't as hot as Therese wanted it to be. She settled shyly on Abby's lap, pulling the blanket up over herself, and allowed Abby to place the bottle's nipple into her mouth. It was rare that Therese got any hot milk that wasn't in a mug these days, and she soon was able to slightly relax as long as she didn't look Abby in the eyes. But her eyes, so used to finding Carol's when she nursed, drifted upwards, and she noticed that Abby was looking down at her with affection, probably just the same way she'd looked at Carol.
Therese got sleepy drinking the warm milk, but she didn't fall asleep as she would have with Carol. Abby gently lifted her onto the pillow beside her, noticing Therese's eyes flutter drowsily. "Shh, shh. Hush now, that's a girl. Shh." The hushing worked, as it usually did, and Therese drifted away.
When she woke up, hours later, the sun was at an angle in the sky and Abby was gone. Therese rolled over and winced as she rolled into a little wet patch on her dress; her diaper must have leaked. It must have been the unaccustomed milk, and Therese had always been a heavy wetter when she slept.
Getting up and trailing the blue blanket behind her, she wandered out into the living room to see Abby reading a book, a cup of coffee beside her. At Therese's light footsteps, she looked up and smiled.
"Did you have a good sleep, sweetie?"
Therese nodded and walked over to Abby, holding out her arms like she would to Carol. She was usually very cuddly after her naps. Abby looked surprised, but took Therese on her lap for a moment before gently pushing her away.
"You're soaked through. We'd better take care of that first."
And with that, she took Therese's hand and led her into the bedroom. Therese went without hesitation, finally feeling more comfortable with Abby.
//~//
It was around nine o'clock when Therese heard Carol's key in the door. She and Abby had been playing checkers by the fireplace, where Abby had lit a small fire, even though it was technically against the building's rules. "The damper's open. What they won't know won't hurt them," she had said, winking at Therese after they'd had a dinner of leftover cold chicken, salad, and potatoes.
Therese leaped up, spilling the checker board in her haste, but Abby laughed when Therese hesitated. "Never mind. Go and meet her."
Carol looked tired and a little emotional when she came through the door, but she had a big smile for Therese. She held open her arms. "Hello, sweetheart. How did you make out?"
Therese snuggled against Carol, breathing in Carol's sweet perfumey smell and the smell of the fresh spring evening. "Abby and I went out for a walk in the park today."
"Did you? That sounds just lovely," said Carol, taking off her coat and her heels, rubbing one foot up and down her leg. "Oh, that feels heavenly."
"Are you very tired?" ventured Therese, but Carol turned around after putting her outdoor things away and cupped Therese's cheeks in her cool hands.
"No, darling. I'm not too tired."
Abby came in. "So, how did it go?"
"It was wonderful. I've missed her so much, Abby." Carol went over and hugged her old friend, lingering just a little too long over Abby's shoulder. And now Therese could see how Carol and Abby could have had a similar relationship to Therese's and Carol's; Abby rubbed Carol's back and hushed her a little, too. "Shh. I know, sweetheart."
Carol pulled back, then, blinking furiously; after a moment, her face was completely normal. "So, did she give you a hard time?" she asked Abby, coming over and placing her hands on Therese's shoulders. Therese leaned into the touch, and Carol massaged her shoulders a little bit, bending her face into Therese's hair.
"Well," said Abby, and winked at Therese. "She wasn't very happy to have me here at first, I don't think. But we managed. She always has taken a little while to warm up."
"Oh, Therese," said Carol, her voice disappointed. "You weren't a bad girl for Abby?"
Therese leaned back against Carol, and pretended she didn't hear her. Abby chuckled. "It was fine, Carol. She was a good girl. And her headache is gone. She hasn't complained all afternoon."
"Good," said Carol, and dropped a kiss onto Therese's head. "Thank you for looking after her today."
"It was a pleasure." Abby came forward to take Therese in her arms; Therese let her, and hugged her back. "Take care, sweetheart."
"Thank you, Abby," said Therese. "Come again soon."
Once Abby had left, Carol seemed to melt a little bit. Her shoulders slumped, and her hair seemed a little more out of place than it usually was. "I could use a drink," she said, her voice sounding rough around the edges, and Therese went to the kitchen to make her one. Carol wandered into the living room and collapsed into one of the chairs, looking exhausted.
Sipping her three fingers of straight rum, Carol looked a little better after awhile, and Therese sat by the fire, fiddling with her drawing pencils, trying to sketch a bird she had seen with Abby in the park that day. She didn't know how to ask Carol about her day with Rindy; she didn't even know if Carol would want to talk about it. An hour or so passed, and then Carol came and sat beside Therese, drawing her into her arms. Therese leaned back and snuggled close, kissing Carol's neck and cheek and lips.
"I missed you today," said Carol.
Therese said nothing.
"I was with Rindy, and it was wonderful, but I kept thinking, how is Therese doing? Why isn't Therese here, too?" Carol paused, and drew Therese closer to her. "I hate this double life, this secret I have to keep from Harge," she finished, her voice sounding teary. "I hate that I can't have you and my daughter, too."
Therese put her arms around Carol and held her tightly. She didn't say anything, and she knew Carol wasn't expecting a response. After awhile, Carol seemed to come out of her reverie. Therese was almost asleep in Carol's arms.
"Ah, little one. You're exhausted. How bad of a time did you give Abby, anyway?" Carol's mouth quirked up in a smile, causing Therese to dimple, too.
"Not a very bad time," she replied evasively, but Carol chuckled, that deep, satisfied chuckle that Therese loved.
"Now come on. Tell the truth."
"I told her to leave me alone," admitted Therese, and Carol laughed. "Oh, Therese."
"I missed you," Therese defended herself, and Carol stood up, pulling Therese to her feet, too.
"Abby is a very good caregiver," Carol said, "and I'm sure she's heard much worse from much less sweet little girls. Including someone I know," she finished, smiling. "I'm glad you didn't keep up that sour mood all day."
Therese yawned, then, and Carol stroked her hair. "Let's go to bed."
In bed, Therese nursed contentedly while Carol hummed a lullaby just above her. Just before Therese dropped into sleep, she felt Carol kiss her cheeks and eyes and lips.
"I love you, Therese."
And Therese knew nothing more.