They say, It's always darkest before dawn
It felt too right to be wrong.
It felt so strong that she gave up her almost marriage.
It felt so unbreakable that she crossed state lines to fell close to Lexa.
Today was New Year’s Eve. A farewell to the bygone year, with it’s tears and fears and inviting the upcoming year. Another new year. Another chance. Another hope for a fresh start.
Today was New Year’s Eve and she sat alone with a steaming cup of Gustus’s special coffee warming up her comatose palms. Well, she wasn’t exactly alone, but even in the off-beat café, she could almost see couples and families holding their hands together, waiting to usher in the new year.
It's easy to feel ambivalent about New Year's Eve in New York -- the entire city is overrun with wasted jerks who throw up in cabs and singing too loudly on the subway, but there's also something a little depressing about staying in and watching Moonstruck with your aging cat. Even though Clarke didn’t own a cat, though she might be rethinking her decision now. She sat almost at the farthest corner of the café, her eyes unconsciously drifting to the still darkened lights of Lexa’s apartment building
. Clarke had almost memorized which floor’s was Lexa’s and time and again she would peek up to the towering building counting the floors to the 5th one, hoping just hoping that maybe the lights in her apartment would somehow lit her path to find her way back home.
Lexa had told her once that ask her where she would be any day of the year, she might not know but if someone asked her where she would be on New Year’s Eve, two words would always dance on the tip of her tongue, New York. New York, it’s home.
Today was New Year’s Eve and still Lexa wasn’t home. And Clarke somehow didn’t want to puncture a hole in the such a radiant atmosphere that was brimming with life, so she had decided to go, maybe sulk in her room but Gustus held her back. His thoughts for the day, no one and he meant no one should spend New Year alone.
Clarke had moved to NY almost 1 month prior. She had bought herself the much barren, abandoned yet spacious space above the Trikru gallery and somehow after almost putting her heart and soul, not to forget manual labor in it, she had integrated the gigantic wooden space into what now seemed, an extension of her own self. With art, she could create a whole new world every day, she could uplift its beauty into another dimension, she brought forth beauty from beauty and those her journey it was that undying ghost of Lexa’s that outlived through each stroke of her brush.
Anya had been a throne in her side was quite some time now, urging her, no almost planning to kick her cute blonde ass to the curb if she didn’t attend her New Year’s party. Despite her much hated snarky comments and I-don’t-give-a-fuck attitude, Clarke could almost see Anya missing her friend, her hitched voice on recalling any stupid tale of Lexa and her threats of incarcerating Lexa for missing out her party and more so for never returning her calls. Well, it seemed that Clarke wasn’t the only one left waiting.
Clarke somehow believes that Anya believes that Clarke’s pain of losing Lexa has too much momentum to which Anya’s loss of her friend felt weak but missing a loved one, one way or the another, that pain was never too small to ignore.
I miss her too, Anya.
Those had been her parting words to Anya before she slipped amidst the gathering grounds and made her way to Gustus’s café. Coming here felt like she was an inch close to Lexa, moist tears almost making her vision blurry on the passing scene.
It was 11.35 pm. Just 25 mins more to go.
Lexa Woods stared at the picture. The one the old man took on the Empire Building. It looked good. And the feeling felt great. Lexa wished that she could just dive in and relive that moment again and again and again. Clarke by her, her hands in hers. Just like that. Just like it should have been.
Lexa didn’t even bother to go home, instead she sat on an empty bench with her trolley back on the side. She felt defeated and she missed Fluffy. She felt like forever since she lad last since him, but always being in-between travels it was hard yet Lexa knew that he was in good hands, Luna would make sure of it.
Even though Lexa had left for Melbourne two months ago, she didn’t stay at one place for long. Lexa had been given the once in the lifetime kind of opportunity of being the co-host of a travelling show, and hence she moved from one place to another, more often. But unlike the last few years, when she would have gladly jumped at the chance of doing so, she left a hole in her heart.
Sydney, Melbourne, Canberra, Brisbane…. Passed through her like those scenes that one would feel flicker by in their periphery during a train journey. They vibrated in life, in happiness, in love and the more time Lexa dwelled up this emptiness in her heart, the one it became cleared, as if the fog that had been clogging her vision had suddenly dissipated in the sun’s morning flames. Clarke Griffin. She contemplates how she had through away her phone into the depth of the Australian sea in pure frustration when she hadn’t figured it out sooner.
The fast growing cities of New Zealand only made her love for Clarke echo more and more. Each piece that Lexa wrote and sent to NYT magazine, acclaim came more and more but everything felt lost. Repeated. Aimless. The one thing that Lexa fell in love with, writing and exploring were soon being shifted to the second priority in Lexa’s bucket list as Clarke mercilessly gained herself the top spot
Lexa crossed countries and oceans, leaving her job behind for Clarke. This time, Lexa knew what love felt like. Because when Lexa was on the very edge on drowning herself, it was Clarke who made her live a bit more. Because when they were together, Lexa forgot the rest.
Because Clarke was the star in her universe, and Lexa wanted her to spend every day shining her light up her way. Because, just because Lexa wanted to remember what Clarke’s hand felt like in hers for the rest of her life. And for her, Lexa had crossed countries and oceans, just for her.
Her trip to California had been pretty a spur in the moment like of phenomenon but she knew what she wanted to tell Clarke, those three words, that were stuck like a lump in her throat, blocking her breathing passage, pinching her ribcage. Those three words.
She didn’t know what exactly she exacted until she was 10 steps from the Griffin residence. That was precisely when reality settled in. Today was New Year’s Eve and Lexa Woods stood mere countable steps away from Clarke and she didn’t know if she was going to meet a Mrs. Blake or still Miss. Griffin.
The trolley bag on her side felt heavy and for a miniscule of a second she thought maybe she shouldn’t have come here. But then again, she needed to see Clarke. Maybe for a final time if so be it. But she needed to see her, if she was happy or not and just maybe Lexa would tell her those 3 words that she was carrying in her heart’s pocket.
Inhaling in one final time, when Lexa knocked on the Griffin residence, seeing Bellamy Blake hadn’t exactly been on her go-to list.
“I was beginning to wonder when you would actually knock. 20 mins in that frozen hell, it’s a wonder you haven’t crystallized.”
Lexa had awkwardly stood at the doorway, hesitating before asking, “Is Clarke here?”
Bellamy looked over to Lexa, her beauty, the powerful aura that evoked from her, her strength, all had not gone unnoticed by him. His wounds were still fresh as yesterday and seeing Lexa and only reopened them to be contaminated again. Bellamy studied Lexa whose eyes darted through the Griffin household.
“She isn’t.”
Lexa’s face fell, she immediately sought to backtrack her steps but Bellamy was quick enough to add, “She hasn’t been here for quite some time now.”
“Oh? But aren’t you………"
Lexa hung it mid-air, she dareth finish that unholy sentence.
“She called it off. And if you must know, she is living in New York, has been for the past 2 months. “ The touches pain were still evident in his voice, too fresh, too soon.
“Oh. I’m sorry, Bellamy. I’m.”
“Yes. I know. She is too.”
“Can you tell me----“
“Do you know where -----“
Bellamy scribbled some address on the note of page before handing it over to Lexa, “I hope you both find whatever you are looking for. Happy New Year, Lexa.”
“Happy New Year to you too.”
Lexa had taken the first flight out to NY which she did pretty much by abusing her power as a reporter but she couldn’t care less. The thin paper clasped tightly in her hands felt wet in the growing heat of her palms as she walked up the steps to her apartment. Only to find it closed. She had waited for about 2 hours before she found her lone self on a seat in the bus-stop.
11.45 pm. 15 mins to go.
Her shoulders were dropping, her posture screamed defeat and all she wanted was to lay down in her bed, and never get up. Energy in the air was inviting, and the temperature was repelling Lexa. She took a deep, frozen breath as her lungs swelled with a gush of frozen air. Overhead, the sparse clouds exonerated interchangeable opening curtains to let out the young night.
Above the dimmed horizon of pines, the thrash more or less suddenly detonate into a splash of tints and patterns. The countdown had begun.
10... Fiery red and golden lily-livered spread into freckles of azure and whence mingle into the tone of the universe. Ruby-peach bows streak crossways the panorama and then disappeared. For a second, Clarke’s heart dropped, but then suddenly picked up to doubly its tempo when the saucy contact colours scattered crosswise the blue. With each sequential burst, the colour was a chameleon, constantly ever-changing its surrounding.
Her phone sprang to live and so did her empty heart when she saw the caller id. Raven Reyes. And of course Octavia Blake. At least, she won’t be alone.
9... The liveliness was same a steaming kettle take a leak to blow. Lexa’s heartbeat accelerated, and all chemical substance in her body was unstable. The voltaic pulses in the sky vibrated and pounded into her drum with each successive firework. Lexa’s assembly line flow finally caught up to my heartbeat and they continued to speed up in an automatic clean impulse.
8... The explosions multiplied. A loud smasher in a puzzle out of a second caught us off guard, and we watched in astonishment, as the dangerous show continued. to each one war of sound was competing to be the...
7…
6…
5…
4…
3… Lexa’s unconscious steps led her up the foot-paths that ended at Gustus’s café. Even from afar she could see the little café standing out, probably jump-packed with people, but Lexa didn’t have the heart to come back to an empty apartment.
Every New Year’s Eve, the radiant Times Square has been the belle of the ball for New York’s spectacular countdown. The party atmosphere reign supreme as a stunning pyro musical display lights up the skies. Whether you watch it along the shoreline, from a boat on the harbor or on-high in a skyscraper, it’s a worthy watch. But doing something like that alone would only magnify her emptiness.
2…
1…
To Clarke, it seemed there was a momentary pause. She didn’t know she had held her breathe until she let it go when the blackened sky in front of her, corrupted in extravagant shades. Upon the stroke of midnight, the skyscrapers seemed to be engulfed within the welcoming colors of a zillion stars. The cheers from her phone might have deafened her just a bit too.
“Happy New Year, Clarkey.”
“Happy New Year, Griffin.”
“Happy New Year, Raven and O.”
The muffed up replies seemed to have even over-powered their voices, she could hear the cheer in the background of Raven’s, being surrounded with family and friends, downing glass after glass of eggnogs. Without much ado, she bid her farewell, urging them to go back to their celebrations.
The coffee in her table was untouched, cold.
“Happy New Year, Lexa.”
1…
Lexa’s phone vibrated with a ringtone from Doctor Who and Lexa immediately gestured in the call with a warm smile.
“Happy New Year, Lex.”
“Happy New Year, Cos.”
Within under the rain of the gazillion fireworks, Lexa could hear music barring out from Costia’s background. And a moment later, Lexa realized that she should let Costia go, she should be with her family. Cutting through Costia ample no’s and it’s ok’s, Lexa bid am early farewell to her friend before entering Gustus’s shop.
“Happy New Year, Clarke.”
The sounds of beer bottles crashing, the smashing of lips and the swaying to the beats of their own worn out music – yes, the atmosphere was quite in contrast to Clarke’s mood. She didn’t know what she hoped for when she came here, she didn’t know she would ever feel this lonely in a crowd of people, so without a goodbye, she tried to fight her way to the exit, but her blurry vision was making it difficult for her. She didn’t know that she had almost bumped into someone until she heard the other person curse underneath their breath.
The stranger’s phone slipped out of her hand and disappeared somewhere in the sea of shoes.
“Not again. God damn it.”
Clarke immediately looked up, to say how sorry she was, that she wasn’t even looking, but there seemed to be hindrance in her breathing. The stranger was almost about to rain her insults on that other person who had so clumsily bumped into her but when she looked up, Lexa was definitely a goner.
They might have been blocking the exit door for quite a few more unnecessary seconds, almost ogling each other when a gravy voice, broke them out of their trance.
"Can you move it? You are blocking the way."
"Do you wanna go outside?"
Clarke nodded like an obedient puppy as she followed Lexa out. She eyed the trolley bag on Lexa’s side and Lexa could hear the questions that raced up through the blonde’s mind.
"I just came back today."
"Oh."
Clarke loosened the scarf around her neck, when did the bloody hell it get so hot? Her eyes darted to Lexa’s flushed skin, her slightly red nose and the swell in her eyes, almost as if she had been crying. Lexa, on the other hand, couldn’t stop from inhaling in the blonde’s face, her flustered fair skin, her messy bun and the constant sniffing. Had she been crying?
They both had so much so say but where was the beginning, where was their middle ground.
"Is it true that you are no longer engaged to Bellamy Blake?"
Clarke flushed, “That is not your concern, Lexa.”
"Then let us make it so, she said. I wasn’t going to come to NY this time, but I have travelled a long way for your reply, Clarke. I needed to hear you say it."
"Then you have wasted your time. How the hell did you even know?"
"I might have visited California to see you. To tell you. To see if you still belonged to the man to whom you have promised forever. Bellamy gave me the address to your NY apartment, I even went there but….."
Clarke was bereft of words. Lexa had travelled to California for her? After all this while? Why now and not then? But she knew it no longer mattered, Lexa had gone, she had gone for her and nothing mattered anymore.
"Ok. Ok.
Clarke wasn’t even aware that she was muttering it out like a mantra, as she tried to calm the fastening of her heart muscles, so Lexa might literally be pulsating her blood enough to give her a heart attack. Huh.
Oh. I… I don’t know…what about that travelling show of yours? I mean, Anya told me and she… it’s not like… your returned any her calls or my calls."
"Still articulate as ever, Prisa. My cell phone is dwelling somewhere in the bottom of the Australian sea, so to speak."
"Anger management, much?"
"More like annoyance management, but yes."
They both felt into simultaneous laughs but the tension that had inhabited had made it rather short-lived. And yes, honestly, small talked sucked anyway.
“What was it you wanted to tell me?”
Lexa told her that she wanted to tell Clarke something and she wasn’t about to go into a heartfelt confession of her midsummer’s night tales unless and until Lexa gave in. She owed her answers and this time, it was now or never. But had Clarke, forgotten that Lexa was too much of a smart ass for her own good? No. Of course, she wuld answer her question with another question.
“Why did you leave him?”
“What made you cross countries and oceans?”
Lexa couldn’t believe they were bantering just prior to New Year. She couldn’t believe she had missed this so much but she might have missed the answers a bit more. She wasn’t about to give in yet, but she knew that they were both running out of patience. She owed her and herself, the truth.
“What made you leave the man who loved you? or more precisely, the man whom you loved?”
Clarke remained unfazed by the venom that dripped from Lexa’s last question. It wasn’t fair. But when had love and war ever played by the fairness of rules?
“Why did you leave your dream?”
Clarke knew Lexa knew this was her retort to her question. Lexa knew that she shouldn’t have said that but when the same words had been repeating like a damn broken tape recorder in your head for too long, it becomes hard to hold them back.
“I didn’t.”
Lexa looked up directly into Clarke’s eyes, “My dream, I never left it, Clarke.
“Do you remember you said to me once Isn’t life more than just surviving, don’t we deserve better than that?”
“Yes.”
"I lived Clarke. At least I tried to. But even living is not enough, it needs sunshine and light. And for me, that’s you, Prisa.
I still want to travel, Clarke. It’s still my dream but I want to do it with you, by my side.”
A smile trembled on Clarke’s lips. She stepped forward and with the sleeve off her coat she wiped out that single tear that was lingering to fall from Lexa’s eyes.
“I left California, uprooted my life to stay here because you inspired me to chase my dreams and because living here, made me feel close to you. I did love him yes but I broke off my marriage because you can’t marry someone when you have already given your heart to someone else. To you.”
After a pregnant pause, Clarke asked her, “Why did you leave me if you ----- “ and this time it was Lexa who stepped and wiped the tears from her eyes.
“Because I’m broken. I was a coward. When I should have gone on my knees to you and begged you to stay with me for the rest of our lives, I ran. You complete me, Clarke Griffin. Am I too late?” for another chance.
She paused and she saw the naked vulnerability in his face. The fear and the yearning in his eyes.
“No. I can handle a broken Lexa as long as I’m the one to glue back those pieces.”
Clarke’s hands shoot up from her resting position, pushing that single strand of hair behind her face, cupping her cold cheeks, tainted in the dry tears.
“I would very much like to kiss, Prisa.”
The shy admission made Lexa’s blood boil up like the lava inside a volcano. She felt like a hormonal teenage boy who had a problem in controlling in libido.
“I would very like that very much, Lex.”
Lexa nodded her head in acknowledgment, totally missing the broadcasted cue to actually go up and kiss her.
Silly, adorable Lexa. My Lexa.
“Anytime soon, Lexa” Clarke giggled out but the dilated pupils, the labored breathing of the blonde’s, the constant shifting of eyes to her wet plump lips wasn’t lost to Lexa.
In an instant, her arms were around her, pulling her up close, until their breaths weren’t apart anymore, until they shared the same air. She felt again the rush of lust yielding, the surging tide of warmth piling between her thighs. And the quiet face streets of New York was blurred and drowned to nothingness .
Lexa bent back her head across her arm and kissed her, softly at first, and then with a swift gradation of intensity that made her cling to her as the only solid thing in a dizzy swaying world. Her insistent mouth was parting Clarke’s shaking lips, sending wild tremors along her nerves, evoking from her sensations that Clarke had only reminisced in her beds, time and again since their night together.
And before a swimming giddiness spun her round and round, she knew that she was kissing him back, every fiber of her being wished to inhale in her lover, their bodies flushing tight, almost grinding as she pulled Lexa up against the wall. Her thigh had a mind of it’s own as it went in between Lexa’s and the moan that elated from her lips only made Clarke’s mind fog in desire, love for more.
“I love you, Lexa Woods.”
Clarke spilled out her words as if she had been saying them on a regular basis to Lexa, as if time and distance had never separated them. Clarke said those words, not because of the heat of the moment but because she loved her.
“More than anything, anyone.”
This time it was Lexa who saw the vulnerability in Clarke’s eyes.
“And I love you with all my being, Prisa. You. Only you.”
Feverish kisses made it quite a struggle and the empty corridor and hallways were an added bonus. There was no one it sight and even if someone did see them, it didn’t matter, for love was in their air. The elevator somehow couldn’t go fast enough for Clarke who was shamelessly undressing the flustered Lexa with her blue eyes.
“3 years, Lexa. You have 3 years of make-up sex to live up too. I hope you can handle it.”
Lexa laughed. Can Clarke given get any more goofily adorable because Lexa hadn’t had her fill yet, she thought that she never might.
“I’ll survive, Prisa.”
She put a chaste kiss on the blonde’s swollen ones, “And I’ll return it with interest, too.”
As much as Lexa loved to see her lover to talk, more like obnoxious babble, she might still have preferred her to talk just a bit, only a bit less.
“Really Lexa ------ “
Lexa pulled her in a long kiss, almost making Clarke seize her breathe, a moan out a “Lexa”
“Hush, darling. I want your mouth to be useful at the moment and talking’s not one of them.”
Lexa dipped her head and nibbled Clarke’s ear nodes, running her wet tongue on the soft shoulder skin, sucking it between her teeth. Not too hard, but not too gentle either.
“Lexa, bed…. Now.”
The picture faded to black and white, an epitome of passion that had been gaining its momentum from ashes of nothing to promises for a forever, was finally unleashed when the two girls bared their souls to each other. Behind closed doors, they made love again and again and again, until they welcomed the new dawn together, entangled not only in just skin to skin, but souls entwined.