I'm following your breadcrumbs, but it goes in circles
She picked up the phone on the fourth ring.
“Clarke Griffin here.”
The caller snorted on the other side, “Hello, from the other side?”. Clarke rolled her eyes, typical Raven.
“What’s up, Raven?”
“Um, since the last time you checked, I’m still pretty hot if not more.”
“What’s up, Raven?”, Clarke snapped at the phone.
“Straight to business eh… You didn’t check in the last couple of days, Bell and O called, but your phone was unreachable and yada yada, they called me to patch you through. Now, tell me what’s up with you?”
“My battery was dead so I might…and everything’s fine. Show’s tomorrow and stuff, even though none of you are coming. So yeah everything’s fine.”
“Clarke, you very well know how important this is for you and we could be there if we could --- ” It was true.
Raven being a professor had to attend a seminar in London that had been a strictly “must attend” kind of thing and she knew Lincoln’s mother was very sick, so O and Bellamy had travelled to Chicago to her aide.
She had been practically family to O and Bell, sticking up with them guiding them through like one’s mother would. Clarke understood or at least she tried too.
And Abby, was too busy, not that Clarke was particularly looking forward to seeing her but seeing a familiar face in a sea of strangers was better at least than seeing none at all.
“ ---- but apart from that I will insulted that you still think you can lie to me. Tell me what’s wrong?”
“I met Costia and I think maybe Lexa lives here and…. I … things are so jumbled, Ray”, Clarke blurted out in a low voice.
“What?” , She could literally see the question mark look on Raven.
“I said, I met ------ “
“I heard every word you said, but how on Earth of all the places did you meet her? Ain’t fate a bitch,”. Clarke couldn’t help but laugh at the irony “Trust me, it is”
Long story short, Raven’s father had died when she was a toddler of mere 5 years. Her mother did what she could do but within years she turned to the arms of alcohol.
Nobody likes someone when that person comes up to show you empathy, in the cloaks of pretense shows that they care when no sooner they would be a few feet away from you, they would bitch you behind your back but that was how society played out. And Raven was caught in that circus. When all doors had been closed, just like a ray in her world, she found Clarke given at the age of 7 and since then they had been inseparable.
Yes, they fought a lot, made fun of each other a bit too much but they stood by each other through thick and thin. Pretty much attached to the hip kinda scenario.
Raven didn’t know their story from line to line, neither did Octavia but Raven knew one thing that Octavia didn’t , that Clarke told her after making her take an oath, Clarke Griffin had fallen in love with Lexa Woods. She never elaborated it and Raven didn’t ask.
Raven knew what if felt like to be loved and then left behind without a word of explanation, she knew that no matter how hard one tries to forget, it only comes back in whispers of the night, trinkets in eyes.
She didn’t miss those pensive looks that time and again crossed her face, those unword-ed dreams that plagued her. Raven had seen the smile that had clung to Clarke’s face those few months when Lexa was with her, so bright that sometimes she had to look away, it was so happily disgusting and now when she smiles it feels empty. Raven knew that Clarke was doing fine but she wasn’t happy. And she felt helpless at not being able to help her.
Clarke told her only a gist of things and Raven listened and somewhere midway Raven could almost hear Clarke holding back her disappointment. Sometimes, time can’t heal all wounds and every now and then, Raven felt anger surge in her towards Lexa, the girl whom she had met only in Clarke’s paintings and this was maybe the nth time when Raven promised herself that she would kick this Lexa’s ass down to Italy one day for making her best friend bleed so much.
“Clarke, forget about everything else and focus on tomorrow. Forget about that arse Lexa. Your dreams are going to come true, Clarke, that’s the most important thing right now. Not Lexa. Not Bellamy. You. Your dreams. You hear me, girl?”
Clarke smiled towards her friend’s utter ridiculousness. “I hear ya alright. You sure, you are teaching engineering there and not philosophy?”
“Girls and machines, pretty hot combo- I have to tell you that. Anyway, I’m as serious now as I’ll ever get so good luck tomorrow ok?”
“Yup. I wish you were here though. You all were.”
“We wish that too, you know. But you’ll be home soon, C”
“Yup”
“Yea, later Griffin.” And the line clicked dead.
Indeed, tomorrow came fast enough. Clarke had showered twice and she had already been called upon a multiple number of times by Anya who informed her that she would be sending her a chauffeur to drive her to the gallery and apparently she reminded her of her said interview with a Maximus Royce, a reporter from New York Times which according to Clarke actually was the first time she was hearing about.
Clarke decided to go for a contrast look so she slipped into a mesh stitched sleeveless high waist knee deep chiffon black dress whose lower body was parted with silver borders. She pulled her long blonde hair in a knot and wore matching black stilettos. She opened her purse and looked at the ring. Her ring. Clarke guilty for not wearing it but how could she when riddles were dancing in her mind.
Your dreams are going to come true, Clarke, that’s the most important thing right now. Not Lexa. Not Bellamy. You. Your dreams. Raven’s words reminded her and she safely put the ring back to her clutch, she might not wear it tonight but all would be probably back to normal by tomorrow. She would be home soon with this ring on her finger. Taking the clutch in her hand, she looked at the room one last time before closing it.
The turnout had apparently been remarkable. Clarke didn’t recognize half the populace who were all taking turns admiring her works and Clarke felt a bit out of place. But thankfully Anya turned up saving up Clarke from practically mentally cursing to and physically embarrassing herself in front of the elites.
Anya introduced her to a multitude of art pioneers, most businessmen by profession and some people from the world of fine arts. Albeit them, people from all walks of life had visited her and many were even looking forward to buying a piece of her art .
Clarke never felt so proud of herself before. A social event of this stature that too in the heart of New York Manhattan had obviously garnered a lot of attention and photos were being were now and then.
Reporters had been asking here and about questions when Anya whisked her away to a quiet corner, “This has been quite a night so far, Clarke”. She hadn’t seen Anya smile expect now and she had to say, it suited her.
“Well, yeah all thanks to you.” Indeed without that Trikru name backing her up, she wouldn’t have made it so far, so big.
“I didn’t do anything, I just sharpened the blunt edges to make you shine brighter. And yes, before I keep forget the reporter, a Mr. Royce, due to certain emergency he couldn’t make it so they’ll apparently be sending a replacement”, Anya glance down at her watch, “Well, the reporter should be here by now. No consistency for time this days.”
Anya grumbled as she looked at the crowd, she raise her hand as she waved someone over. Clarke couldn’t see who it was as Anya was guarding her view but Clarke couldn’t say she wasn’t surprised when the Director hugged a stranger.
They were speaking in hushed voices when the amused Anya turned over to Clarke, “Well, Miss Griffin, you are one lucky girl. You are apparently being interviewed by not only NYT’s best but also a dear friend of mine, Lexa Woods”.
The wine glass that was in Clarke’s hand slipped out of her grip as the red fluid spattered on the marble white floor. Lexa Woods, in her black lace bow maxim dress, stood no mere than 5 steps away from Clarke Griffin who was as equally appalled as Clarke herself. After 2 years, they stood 5 little steps away from each other but Clarke couldn’t cross them. Each step scorched her skin.
Anya was already calling out to the cleaners, frantically asking the blonde if she was alright or not, but all Clarke could see was her moving lips, her words didn’t register in her mind so she nodded like a China doll. When Anya faced Lexa to engage her in small talk, Clarke excused herself to the bathroom. This shouldn’t be happening. This couldn’t be happening. Why was this happening? Why today?
Clarke glanced herself in the mirror - she was sweating, her breathing was erratic and it felt so damn hot. She put the clutch down and splashed cold water on her face, as if trying desperately to wake herself up from the nightmare. Her mascara was smeared but she needn’t care. Her knees felt weak all off a sudden and she slummed on the bathroom floor.
The bathroom door opened a little and a slender figure swiped in. Clarke didn’t bother looking up to see who it was until the voice spoke, “People are asking about the woman of the hour, where has she disappeared to for nearly an hour.”
Clarke very well knew to whom that voice belonged too. She replied through gritted teeth, “ Don’t you dare play the “I care for you Clarke” card on me. Not now, your back-stabbing bitch.”
Lexa remained unfazed by her criticism. In her cool demeanor she replied evenly, “I don’t but why don’t you? I thought this was supposed to be “The Big Night” for you. Why are you throwing it away?”
“I’m not. And I’ll be eternally grateful if we stay out of each other’s ways”, Clarke replied her voice inkling with unspoken disgust.
Clarke was trying to sniffle back her tears but she wouldn’t cry in front of Lexa. Never again. She splashed the cold water on her face once again before masking her face. The game face. Smile. Cheese. Click. Smile. Polite handshakes. Small talks. Painting signing. Smile. Hug. Smile. Smile.
But the plastic smile was soon wearing off, it was hard to smile when her insides where crying. She made her way to the bar, surely a success should be celebrated, no, she sarcastically thought. She might have been on her 5th, oh no, possibly 6th glass of wine when Anya joined her, “ So, you have started your get-drunk-shitless celebration without me?”
“The wine seemed very tempting”, was all Clarke said. Despite her words, she looked around the room in hunt of a black silhouette.
To Anya, Clarke’s eyes didn’t have that spark that was present a few hours ago, she stared to see where Clarke’s eyes were wandering about, who was that someone that she was craving but Anya didn’t find anyone. She cleared her throat, “The interview Clarke ----“
Yes, the interview. But where was the interviewer?
“Yes, Anya the interview -----“, but she was cut midway when Anya said that Lexa has already rescheduled it to whatever time would be convenient for Clarke.
“Lexa is very professional and I have to say I was a bit amused when she was planning to reschedule it. I didn’t even know she didn’t interviews either let alone the fact that she was in NY”, Anya chuckled, “That girl doesn’t tell much.”
Yes, she doesn’t. If anything, she’s a Fort Knox.
It was nearing to midnight when the doors of the gallery closed. Anya had forcefully sort of inducted Clarke, much to her protest, into her car and ordered her driver to make sure she reached her hotel safely, saying that she couldn’t have her little star roaming around the streets at such hours that to inebriated.
Even though , the driver as per orders dropped her in front of her hotel that didn’t mean she had to enter it. She wrapped her trench coat over herself as she walked whenever the road led her. People were walking the streets lost in their own world, and Clarke was getting lost in the world of lights. Walking in heels might seem pretty glamorous but after a while, her feet were killing her. She sobered up from the pain only to see that she might have walked to far from her hotel. She didn’t recognize the area but she knew she was in some part of Manhattan.
It wasn’t until later that she realized as if someone was following her and the certain dark alleys she crossed made her skin creep with goosebumps.
She didn’t want to turn around and look at the stalker so she looked into her makeup mirror, pretending to undo her makeup and saw a distant hooded figure. Her pace changed, she walked faster and so did he.
Towards the end of the road, she ran closer towards the yellow lights glittering in the coffee house and that familiar face who was seating pensively outside the door ,never made her so happy. She almost ran to her, “Lexa”, the name breathed out of her mouth as the brunette reflexively caught Clarke before she fell over.
Lexa was shocked to say the least, but the look of fear that was ridiculed on Clarke’s face as she clung to her made her look towards the path she travelled when her eyes fell on the hooded guy. Her icy look and the taunt of a nod that she sent to the man was enough for him to walk away. Lexa didn’t touch Clarke for she knew Clarke was held her out of need, not want and she didn’t want to push the blonde away from her again.
“He’s gone”, Lexa whispered her words out and Clarke dropped her hands almost immediately from Lexa as if she had touched some vile garbage.
Clarke looked away from Lexa and muttered out a simple, “Thank you”. Nodding her head in apprehension, Lexa went back to her coffee. Silence clung mid-air, no one said a word.
Lexa didn’t know what to say, she didn’t know how, she still search for the right time, least of all find Clarke in New York and Clarke didn’t know how one moment she felt so angry with the girl and the other minute it’s her that made her eyes go misty.
“What are yo --------- “
“Do you wan ---------- “
Both of them started and both of them stopped in the same beat. And smiled at the same time at the awkwardness.
Clarke gestured Lexa to go ahead, “Do you want a coffee or any other beverage?”
“Coffee’s fine, thank you”
“Shouldn’t you be in a hotel right now?”
Clarke shrugged her shoulders and replied vaguely, “ Yes, but I didn’t want to go back so I kinda went to for a little walk under the moonlight.”
“ and ended up being chased by shadowy figures”, added Lexa. There was a pregnant pause.
“What are you doing out here so late?”, Clarke asked while sipping in the her coffee that was sprinkled with cinnamon. It blended nicely.
“I often come here whenever I’m in New York. Their coffee makes me reminisce, Gustus makes the best coffee and I'm too lazy to work out a coffeemaker, I guess and right now I couldn’t sleep”. Lexa gave her a sad smile. There was yet another pause.
“Why did you leave?”, Clarke silently demanded.
“Because you asked me to. stay out of your way? ” , Lexa answered matter-of-factly.
Clarke fumed at her words. Because I asked her too? “So you listen to every word I say now? What is this, Lexa 2.0?”
“I’m sorry I let you down Clarke but can we leave it at that for now? Please? This is neither the correct hour nor the place”, the way Lexa’s eyes held her, Clarke had to give in.
“Yea, I have learnt that you just have to lower your expectations from people anyway” and again the silence settled in. Clarke pretended she didn’t that flash of hurt across the green eyes.
“How long are you planning to stick around New York?”, making small talk was never Lexa. It was weird and abrupt and plain cut stupid but she yearned to know every small detail for Prisa.
“Why?”
“I still have to submit the interview”
“Oh”, Clarke seemed disappointed. Of course, Lexa was all being professionally but she couldn’t help but wonder where had that girl disappeared, that girl that made her fall head over heels for, that care-free spirit.
“How does tomorrow work for you?”
Without a pause for thought, “I’ll call in with the details, Clarke” she agreed.
Clarke stood up and placed her owed dollars on the table only to being stopped by Lexa, “It’s already paid for Clarke”
“But the ------- “
“It’s just a coffee not a lump of gold. “ but Clarke seemed hesitant, so Lexa added, “Buy me a cup later, ok”
“Ok”
Clarke was walking out when Lexa called her, “Let me drive you back to your hotel.”
This time Clarke wouldn’t go down without a fight but Lexa’s argument silenced her, “I can’t possible let you roam yet again the city at such an ungodly hour and moreover I have my car just outside. Come on.”
Lexa’s Prius zoomed through the now scarce streets and within 10 minutes, the car stopped in front of her hotel gate. Even after wishing a goodnight, Lexa didn’t leave until Clarke was safely inside the hotel and by the time Clarke came running to her hotel balcony, she was gone.
Clarke had never felt more awake in her life as she stared at the ceiling wondering what tomorrow held for her in store.
The big apartment reverberated the clicking of her walking aid as Lexa moved from the dining room to her bed chambers, slowly pulling of her left prosthetic leg as she settled herself beneath the covers of her sheets, but sleep was far from her mind. She removed her sheets and glanced at her now missing left leg and touched that empty space. It had been more than a year now and still she hadn’t, couldn’t completely over the fact that she was now an amputee.
And seeing Clarke, today she was once again reminded of her disability. Clarke didn’t know but seeing the thing of your utmost affections in front of your eyes, but knowing that you couldn’t possibly touch her, made her squirm her insides. Today, Lexa felt truly alone.
She often ignored the emptiness that her aunt Indra had left behind by emerging herself in work, by staying away from this apartment but today it reverberated through the walls of her house and of her heart. How truly alone she was.
A day passed. No phone call came from Lexa. Clarke couldn’t say she wasn’t surprised but if someone asked her if she was disappointed then, yes she was. Seeing Lexa had stirred those parts of hers that Clarke thought she had long lost. And Clarke needed answers as well, to fill in the spaces in time, and to sane her sanity.
Late that evening she called Anya, asking for Lexa’s address for Clarke knew that if she tried to call her if would either be switched off or would probably go into voicemail. Voicemails. Whatever happened to those she sent? Did Lexa even listen to them or did she delete them without so much so without a look?
Second Avenue, Apartment 16/2, East Village, Manhattan, NY. Clarke decided to visit Lexa as early as she could tomorrow.
Lexa didn’t even bother to call Clarke to tell she couldn’t make it today. Why? Because Lexa was too damn proud to be judged by Clarke’s eyes. Lexa had accomplished many things, she has been a journalist , travelled to far and off places and brought news back to New York and has been acclaimed as well. She had gone trekking to the stunning subalpine scenery of New Zealand’s South Island, fell in love to see waves broke on the distant beach and even trekked the Haute Route traverses of France , some of the highest and most scenic country accessible to walkers anywhere in the Alps.
She has talked to endless strangers in campsites or in some trip to the distant horizon, listened engrossed to their tales, some sad , some humorous but ending in that same line of love.
She has been away from NY even more so after Indra because she knew no one expected her home, no one missed her except for Fluffy who has been in the care of Luna these days. Luna is the owner of the local pet shop and whenever Lexa was away on assignments, the white haired girl takes up Fluffy without an ease and even he has grown accustomed to her.
Sometimes Lexa fears, what if even Fluffy no longer misses her. What will she do? Lexa didn’t realize when she had fallen asleep watching the reruns of “How To Get Away With Murder” until a loud banging arose her from her slumber.
Lexa didn’t have time to put on her prosthetic leg so gripping her walking aids she skipped to the front door. It wasn’t even 8am so if the visitor didn’t have a solid enough purpose, that person would be facing a scowling Lexa.
Lexa’s face was already in a scowl but on seeing her adorable Fluffy jumping at her, it melted into small smile. She tumbled of her sticks and fell on the ground and Fluffy couldn’t care less and Lexa couldn’t care more as he happily licked Lexa’s face. Behind her stood, Luna in her already morning attire “Pet Care Centre” glistening in golden letters on her apron held out her hand to support Lexa up.
“How did you know I was back? I’m 2 days early.”, Lexa was surprised, yet very happily surprised as she graciously patted her dog. Her cute, little monster.
“Well, I was going for my morning shift when Gustus told me you returned yesterday and I know Fluffy was already missing too you and…. Yeah I thought, it would be a nice morning surprise.”
“ Thank you. “, Lexa was genuinely thankful to Luna, “I’m already making breakfast, do you want to eat?’
“No, its fine. I’m already running late”, and patting Fluffy and hugging Lexa a goodbye, Luna left.
Lexa evilly smirked at Fluffy who was already grinning, “You up for a bathe, boy?”
Fluffy was in the tub and Lexa was trying her best to bathe him and not her but well, not always things went according to plan, did it? Lexa was already half drenched, her shorts were wet and sticky and her shorts was well, not totally wet, huh. Then the door bell rang.
Lexa didn’t know who could it be at this hour of the morning. She was gathering up her walking aids silently commanding the dog to stay put but when the bell rang a second time before she could stop Fluffy, the drenched dog leapt from the tub and ran with bolt speed towards the front door.
Clarke rang the bell to the apartment no. 16/2. She waited a few moments then rang it again. She wondered if the door was open so when she turned over the doorknob, there was a light clicking sound and she opened up the door. The room was spacious and white and perpendicular to the door was the balcony and the walls…….well before she could look around something or rather someone totally wet jumped over her. Clarke fell on her butt with a thud, her shirt totally soaked and the dog, a huge bulldog was moistening her face with his tongue.
“Fluffy?”
“Clarke?”
Clarke turned her head to the direction of where the voice called out her name. Her eyes fell on Lexa’s green, who’s hair was dripping wet, standing in shorts, supported by walking aids, and then her eyes slowly fell upon her left leg which ended just above her knee. What?
“Lexa?”
The way Clarke called out her name, so softly, Lexa knew that Clarke had seen her. She had seen the truth she wanted to hide, but who was she kidding, this wasn’t a kind of thing she couldn’t hide. This was her now. And she was fine by it. But that didn’t mean she had to face it just yet.
“Clarke”, the way Lexa acknowledged her presence as if she wasn’t even here. Maybe Lexa didn’t want her here, was that why she didn’t call yesterday? Did she think I would pity her? Clarke didn’t know what do think.
“Can you get off the floor , Clarke?”, Clarke didn’t realize she was staring and she clumsily did so. God can she get anymore childlike, “You can change in the bathroom, I’ll bring you some dry clothes and signaling Fluffy over, “Come on boy, let’s get you dry now” and with that Lexa left the room.
The tension was swallowing her whole and the way Clarke stared at her, Lexa hadn’t felt more self-conscious her whole life.
The smell of Lexa, the cinnamon and honey dukes perfume with a tint of sandalwood tingled the nerve endings of her nose. The shirt was a bit big for Clarke but it was oddly comforting, in the back of her mind it felt as if Lexa has wrapped her hands around Clarke.
The smell somehow calmed her down as she settled on the soft cushion with Fluffy who face lay lazily on her lap, “I never thought I would say this but I’m so happy to see you, you adorable monstrosity” . Clarke bent over and passed a soft kiss on his forehead. Clarke can feel Lexa’s almost looming eyelids trailing on her every movement as she stands at the doorway. Lexa wore long sleeved shirt and full length pajamas much to the contrast of what she wore an hour ago, as if she was almost trying to conceal the scars that were already carved on her.
“Do you have anywhere to go today?”, Lexa looked over to Clarke confused.
“No.?”
“Me either. So I haven’t watched “Orange Is The New Black” reruns in a long time. Wanna watch?”. Lexa stared at her, long and hard for a few seconds before getting up and fetching her laptop. She couldn’t understand her, what was going through that blonde mind of hers.