I'm Not Okay (I Promise)

Your name is Feferi Peixes and you're the princess of Up-Sea Alternia. So naturally, you have everything you could ever want. You're the heir of the kingdom, how could you not? You have all of the jewelry you could ever wear, and you love it, you will admit.

It's just so... Shiny! You like decorating yourself with all of the colorful metal, even if you don't exactly like the attention it draws to you. You also have hundreds of servants at your beck and call; though it is a measly number compared to those who serve your mother. You prefer to do things on your own, in your own way. But they insist, and it gets quite annoying. You have anything else you want, too. You're well fed, you have hundreds of suitors (all of whom are rejected,) and your pet cuttlefish, Aradia. Hel, you even have magic! Well, that part is a secret. If your mother found out you had magic at your fingertips, she would have you culled. Or even worse, exiled. At least if The Condesce were to cull you, it would be over quick. Who know what would happen to you if you were driven out!

But despite all of your... /blessings,/ you can't help but feel like there is something more.
Which is what brings you to where you are. To the Condescension, love has no part in a princess' life. A relationship should be based solely on power, or the gaining of an ally. To you, well, all you want is someone to love. But the Condesce will have none of that, so here you are, meeting your groom for the first time. He is from the deeper, colder depths of the ocean. His name is Ampora, and he's known to be quite the pompous prick. Of course, that's just perfect for you, isn't it? You're going to spend the rest of your life with this snotty teenager.
You are so ready to die.

Aradia seems to sense your unease, so she peels herself from your bed and darts to your hair, tangling herself in the flowing locks. You giggle, and she peeks out from a patch of hair near your shoulder, nuzzling your neck. Aradia is named after your favorite servant, who gave her to you for your birthday two sweeps ago. Honestly, Aradia is more like a friend than a servant. Well...

Was.

She was caught smuggling bread out of the palace to give to her sick matesprite. You helped her get out of the palace, but from there is was in her hands. She was caught when she swam into an alleyway and bumped straight into a guard. When he saw she had palace property, he culled her on the spot. You named your cuttlefish after her in her memory. Sometimes, you feel like your cuttlefish has the same personality as her namesake. You've heard of ghost possessing objects but...

Well, now you just feel worse than before. Your mother will be furious if you have such a sullen expression when you first meet Eridan. But oh well, it can't be helped. Hopefully, he's not as bad as he is said to be. You push off of your bed and twirl around, trying to find that blasted cuttlefish seriously where the Hel did she-

Oh. There she is. Caught in your tail fins, again. Honestly, how does she even do that? Like, she can perfectly maneuver in your hair, but Gog forbid she gets within a seaweed-length of your tail membrane, lest she get stuck. You glub softly as you flip your tail up, launching the bright pink cuttlefish into your arms. She chirps as she hits your chest and your arms wrap around her. You give a quick squeeze and let her go, and she goes back to rest softly at the foot of your bed.
You smile before turning and swimming into the hall.

You swim at a leisurely pace, putting off meeting the deep sea merman for as long as possible. Sadly, it seems the Fates have a different plan. One of your messengers, Tavros, turns a corner and spots you.

See, the thing about the palace is that it is built into a ravine wall. Most of the halls are natural caves. There are many twists and turns, and forks and splits. It took you three sweeps to learn your way around. Because of how maze-like the halls are, it's almost impossible to know is someone it in one of the adjacent halls unless your focusing on the currents, which honestly, why didn't you do that. Stupid, stupid Feferi.

Tavros stops before swimming towards you and almost bumping into you. He seems to trip over his tail, and you grab his arms before he can hurt himself. Tavros is actually the only mer-person in the palace who knows you have magic. Once upon a time, he wanted to be a guard. It didn't work out, and he found your healing cove with a wrenched tail. You still don't know how he got there without swimming.

He stutters a little before getting his words under control.

"Feferi!"

You glub softly to remind him that hey, servant and princess. In public. Keep up your appearance.

"Ack, uh, sorry princess! Your uh, mother, the queen, she uh, she wants you! Uh, now."

You smile at him before swimming around him.

"Thank you, Tavros. I shoald go, but I'll sea you later?"

"Oh uh, yeah! I'll, uh, bye!"

He seemed a little flustered, but you shrug it off and continue swimming. You consider staying at the same pace your were before, but you don't want to get Tavros in trouble. You glub in defeat before speeding up. You pass a few servants and guards, but none that you know as well as Tavros. All you get is a "m'lady" as you pass. Whatever. You stop in front of the large, coral doors that open into the throne room. You shake worry your lip between your sharp teeth before exhaling sharply and pushing open the doors.

The water gives little resistance to your highblood strength as bubbles float out from the coral. Inside, the Condesce is sitting on the throne entertaining the Emperor of the Lower Depths, looking quite bored. Floating next to the Emperor, a small violet blood is playing with a tiny seahorse. He whips around when you enter. Your mother and the Emperor, however look up at their leisure. Read: bored as carp.

You swim forward, trying not to look as nervous as you feel. Eridan seems to have regained his composure as well, and you realize he isn't as small as you thought. It's so quiet and tense, you could hear an eel swimming twenty tail lengths away. Your mother is glaring at you from behind the Amporas, and the Emperor clears his throat.

"Vwell, I didn't think it vwould be this avwkvward!"

He has an accent, and it makes his w and v sound funny. Interesting. You wonder if it has something to do with his vocal chords? He can't be doing that on purpose.

"You must be the Princess Feferi I'vwe heard so much about. Orpheus Dualscar, at your servwice."

You eye the scars on his face and wonder where he could have possible gotten that name.

You are about to respond before your mother swims off the throne and to you. She circle you, and you tense. Eridan seems to notice, and raises an eyebrow. You scowl at him and try to loosen your posture. The Condesce forces your back straight again and you struggle to keep a straight face.

"Yes, this would be my daughter. A true beauty, is she not? Our heirs will be a fintastic match."

You bite your lip as the feeling of inevitability flows over you. There really is no way out of this.

"Truely! Shall we continue to the dining hall?"

Your mother nods and releases you, swimming back towards the large doors. Orpheus passes you, and Eridan comes to rest next to. It's only now that you realize how tense Orpheus' shoulders are. Now, you're nine sweeps old. You've been around people quite a bit, in the palace and when healing. Orpheus Dualscar Ampora is just as uncomfortable around your mother as you.

The idea kind of worries you, that a full grown, male, violet blood is scared of your mother. Eridan glues quietly next to you, and you turn to look at him. He's not bad looking, not at all. It just that all if the rumors don't really paint him in a good light. He purses his lips before meeting your gaze.

"Your mothers' fuckin' horrifyin'."

A laugh pushes out of your throat at the totally unexpected comment and his lips twitches before going back to scowling. You clear your throat and smile at him, gesturing towards the main hall. He nods, and swims to follow your parents. You quickly catch up to them, swimming quietly behind with Eridan. As much as you would like to get to know him, prove everything said about him wrong, you can't. Your mother would look down on it. Why, you don't know. She crazy. Insane. In the words of your fiancée, "fuckin' horrifyin."

When you reach the dining hall, your mother holds the door for the Amporas. Eridan glances at you and then your mother before going in, and you are about to follow before the Condesce grabs your arm. She pulls you over to her and sneers down at you. You meet her glare with a straight face, as she would wish.

"Be good. Quiet. Remember your training."

You nod silently before she releases you and the door. You quickly catch it before it can close. The Condesce swims gracefully through, barely acknowledging you, and you follow, letting the door fall shut behind you.

This is your mother's private dining room, so it only has a table for eight, as opposed to the monster thirty-seater in the major dining hall. Eridan and Orpheus have already seated themselves, as well as your mother. It seems awkward as you float down into the chair next to Eridan, and you find yourself biting your lip again. You curl your tail around you and straighten your back, hoping that the Condesce doesn't notice how you're sitting on your tail.

Dinner goes by quickly, with Orpheus and the Condesce talking politics, and you and Eridan barely glancing at each other. He smacks your talk with the tips of his a few times, and you flutter yours back. Your mother quickly catches you however, and that is the end of that game.

When dinner is over, you bring the Amporas to Orpheus' room. The Condesce and Orpheus talk, and your attention is only drawn to them when you hear your name.

"...Feferi can take him to his room. I'm sure she would be glad to."

You look up at your mother to see her eyes blazing with a look that says, 'don't embarrass yourself.'

You look to Eridan and smile.

You raise a hand and wave to him in passing, gesturing for him to follow you. He does, and the swim to his room is relatively quiet. You pass Tavros, and he wave shyly before spotting Eridan and darting away. You suppose he does have a rather imposing presence. When you stop in front of his room, the tension reaches the surface.

"So I'll. I'll see you later."

Oh let a few bubble rise from your gills.

"Yeah. We'll be seaing each otter quite a bit, actshoally."

A small smile graces his lips, and you think it looks nice. But, however much you think he looks good, you don't feel any flushed feelings. It worries you, because it could be pale. You don't know, the closest you ever had to a moirail was Aradia. You've never had a chance to explore quadrants. Of course, pale feelings would be better than pitch, but it still complicates things. Heirs will be expected. As will public red shows. Can you even feel pity for someone this soon into meeting them? You sure do. Would he feel the same? Ugh, now you see why the Condesce never let you think about quadrants.

You turn around and are about to go before he speaks again. Ugh, you have to get to your cove at some point!

"Wwait."

You turn around and raise an eyebrow at him. It seems the w quirk is genetic.

"You don't feel flushed for me."

You're taken aback, but he's right.

"I don't."

"You don't wwant to get married."

"Yeah."

"Look, I'm not really flushed for you either. I don't like being arranged wwith someone, no matter howw pretty. Or, politically powwerful, wwhatewer."

You feel your cheeks heat up slightly at the compliment, and will him silently to continue.

"But if be wwilling to pursue a pale relationship, if you wwere okay wwith that."

You smile. A full, open mouthed, grin.

"Yeah. I'd de-fin-itely be willing to."

He seems relieved.

"Great. Then I'll uh, just, go."

He turns around, and before he can close the door, you swim up behind him and hug him. He tenses, and you peck his cheek.

"I'll sea you later."

Before he can respond, you untangle your tail from his and dart away. You don't stop swimming until you reach your room and go in, push the door closed behind you and leaning against it.

You filled one of your quadrants. Sure, it's not the one your mother wanted you to fill, but you did. You have a moirail. It's...

Not really any different.

You feel kind of giddy from the feeling of filling your first quadrant, but other than that, you still have all of your problems. You can't even talk to Eridan about the most important one. How would he respond if he knew you had magic? That's not something you want to deal with right now. You decide that when you're queen, you will take magic back from its outlaw. But for now, its still illegal. Therefore, you have to hide your face.

You go to the crack in your wall where you hide your cloak, which is just a bunch of pieces of fabric that floated down from the surface "sewn" together.

By that you mean magic.

You throw the cloak over your shoulders and pull the hood up. It obscures your eyes and horns, which is all you really need. The cloak is long enough that it goes past your tail when resting, but it makes swimming harder. You swim up, to the top of your room, and find the green rock that signifies the hidden exit. You move it and the pile of rocks in front of the hole before squeezing through. It's not a comfortable fit, not at all, but it works. When you pop your hips through, you pull the rest of your tail through, making sure not to rip the membrane at the tip of it on any jagged edges.

You pull the cloak down over you tail before you start moving again, towards a small cave on the other side of the city.

You slide through alleyways and slink through the shadows, not letting a single person see you. It's dark on the surface, which makes your job that much easier. When you reach a small cave in one of the alleyways, you check around you before sneaking in. It's dark -as usual- and you go a little deeper before magically lighting the first torch. It's dangerous to use magic so flippantly, but you have to. Your race can only see in the dark to a certain extent, so a pitch black cave is dangerous even to them. And if someone is sick or hurt, it's even more dangerous to go gallivanting about in a dark cave.

You light two more torches along the way before coming into a huge cavern with cots scattered around. You wish you could live here, but you can't. It feels horrible when you leave a sick or really hurt troll here, especially since the guards could come in at any minute.

You're drawn from your worries as you hear a voice from behind you. You turn around and see a man floating in the entrance to the cavern, cradling his arm.

"Excuse me, is this the cove of the healer?"

You pull down your hood and smile. It's going to be a long night.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

By the time you've cleared out the patients, the sun is high in the sky. You extinguish the magic lights as you pass, signifying that you aren't there. You swim out, avoiding being seen by anyone, before heading out into the wilds. Well, it's not the WILDS wilds, but it's still away from the city. Some trolls live out here, but it's mostly lowbloods who can't afford to live in the city.

You really just need to get away. The Condesce won't care too much if you're not home all day, as long as you're home by dinner.

You use the term "home" loosely.

You take off your cloak and ditch it in a bush of seaweed. Looking around, you really don't know where you want to go. Away from the palace, yeah, but what then? You suppose you could...

No. Too dangerous.

Man, but now you're curious. A few miles away, there's an island. Some scouts found it last sweep. You could go visit it, see what it's like on the surface. You wonder if they have the same civilization rules like you do. You wonder if they have queens and kings and magic. You decide you will go check out this island.

Luckily, you're a fast swimmer. The swim takes you an hour or so, and it's nice to be able to pretend you don't have the responsibilities you do. It's not like you want to be a lowblood, oh no, but you really just want a fair life. Your mother is unfair to everyone. There really is no "best blood color."

When the land starts rising, you skim the sand and rise with it. You let your fingers drift over it, sifting it through your fingers. Eventually, you're right under the break in the water. You flip over on your back, and blink up at the sun. You've never broken the surface before. You don't know what the air is like, and now you're not sure if you do. If the Condesce was to find out you broke the surface, it would just give her another reason to cull you. Is that really something you want?

Yes.

You flip back on your stomach and push up, reaching the air. Your hair is covering your entire face, and you spit some out before pushing it away from your eyes. You blink in the bright sun, smiling so widely you feel like your cheeks might split. You hazard taking a breath through your mouth, and find that it works. You take a few deep breaths through your mouth, relishing in the taste of the air.

You're so excited that you don't notice the girl on the beach until she hits the ground. You gasp and feel magic waking up in your veins. You don't know if she's alive or not until she rolls over, breathing heavily. She fumbles around, probably looking for something, before grabbing something that you don't recognize and putting it on her face. You sink a little farther into the water when she gets up, but you don't think she notices you. She turns around and looks back at the wall she fell from, and you take the advantage to go back to deeper water. You curl your tail and sit in the middle of it before thinking about what you should do. Well, you SHOULD go home. But you should do a lot of things that you don't.

You kind of want to meet the walker.
On one hand, she could be really nice, and willing to talk to you. On the other, she could kill you on sight. You really don't want to die. As much as you hate the predicament you are currently in at home, you know there's a way out other than death. You haven't gotten THAT desperate yet.

You decide to draw her attention to you and see what happens. She looks sad too, maybe you can fix that. So before you can think twice about it, you flip out of the water and smack your tail against the surface. You're disoriented when you're fully back under again, and it takes you a second to get your bearings. Once you know which way is up, you jump again. Your landing is much more graceful, and you slip back into the water without screwing up. Well, it's now or never.

You swim closer to the shore so that your on your stomach again, and pop your head out. The air still smells cold and sweet, and you take a deep breath. The girl is staring at you with her mouth wide open, as if she's not sure if she's dreaming or not. Honestly, you're not either. She hasn't killed you yet, so that might be a good sign.

You blink at her. Now that you get a good look, she isn't bad looking. Not at all. Her hair is long and curls a little at the tips, and she has large green eyes. They're almost piercing with how bright they are. You smile. Maybe you could make a friend; one who isn't just around you because you're the princess.

"Hi!"