9. We are who we are
9. We are who we are
Lucian Graymark was a man that lost in a matter of few years, many things. He lost his sister, his parabatai and his first love in the biggest war in Shadowhunter history: The Uprising.
It had been a war of men against other men, a fight for something unachievable, in which he was ashamed to say that he had played a great and important role.
When he should have stopped Valentine, where he should have talked his parabatai out of it, he instead encouraged him. Helped him.
Which is why when the warlock with the cat eyes opened the door and looked at him like he couldn’t believe his nerve, he couldn’t blame him. Instead he had moved out of the way and motioned him inside, even offering Luke a seat and then disappearing in the kitchen.
The warlock reappeared from the kitchen, two cups on a tray of fake silver. Luke wasn’t sure which one of the warlocks he was. Jocelyn had said that one of them had cat eyes and the other horns and green skin. She had given him the names Ragnor Fell and Magnus Bane, but not told her which was which. The warlock with cat eyes sat on the couch, legs crossed. His socks were mismatched and very glittery, and he was still in his pyjamas. He also had a huge towel wrapped around his head, as smiled pleasantly at him. “One sugar or two?” He asked, and Luke shook his head.
“I take it black.” He told him, and Magnus grimaced, putting two sugar in his tea.
“Now, how can I help?” He asked, putting his tea down after one sip. “I must say, it’s not every day that a shadowhunter, former member of a Downworlder killing club comes at my door suddenly turned into a werewolf and Alpha of the local pack. Actually it is the first time it happens.”
"If you were looking for Clary and Bastian, I should warn you that they aren't here." continued the glittery warlock as if Luke was not staring at him in shock.
The werewolf sat up slowly. "You know who I am?" he asked, and the warlock looked at him in exasperation.
"Of course I do. It may have been 15 years, but I can't un-see the things that the Circle did under my nose! You killed that werewolf clan, the Calavelas." he reminisced, and Luke flinched.
"I am not proud of that. And I'm not here to take Clary and Sebastian, if that's what's worrying you." Luke saw the warlock visibly relaxing, and felt a pang in his chest. Whoever this warlock was, he clearly had known the two Morgenstern kids pretty well. He seemed to care for them a lot. "You should know that even if I came, they would never come with me. If they are Jocelyn and Valentine's kids, they won't trust me."
The warlock nodded, almost smug looking. "Then why are you here, Lucian?" he asked, and Luke shook his head.
"Luke. It's Luke now." Magnus shrugged. "And may I ask, are you Ragnor Fell?" he asked.
The warlock looked horrified. "Ragnor? Am I green? Do I have horns? Do I exude sadness and regret? Do I look boring to you?" he asked, not waiting for an answer.
Luke shook his head. "Magnus then. This makes the whole thing easier." said the werewolf, and the warlock mixed the tea in his teacup with a curios look on his face.
"The Valentine that caused the Uprising... he was not fully himself. Let me explain. After the death of his father, something radically changed in Valentine. Jocelyn refused to go into details, and I didn't press. After the birth of Clary, Jocelyn though that something of her husband returned, but she didn't trust him enough to keep him around." Magnus smiled wistfully at the memory of the red haired devil. "He tried to stop the Circle, but he was not fully himself yet, and had to go into hiding. Jocelyn helped him trying to find himself again, even though I had not idea at the time. Meanwhile, me and Jocelyn began to conspire. To find a way to stop the madness that was the Uprising. 2 years of war that seemed destined to wipe out both downworlders and shadowhunters. Together with a group of trusted shadowhunters, we began to work. Michael Wayland, Maryse Lightwood, my sister Amatis, the Blackthorns and the Penhallows." Magnus arched a single eyebrow but didn't interrupt. "We almost managed to stop everything. We saved Valentine, but then... the members of the Circle who weren't loyal to the new Valentine took matters in their own hands. Hodge Starweather tried to kill Valentine and Jocelyn. He tried to kill me too."
Magnus frowned, leaning forward. "You say tried to kill. You mean...?"
Luke shook his head. "Me and Valentine were parabatai. Me being turned into a werewolf hasn't changed that. The bond between the two of us still works. I know Valentine isn't dead, but he doesn't seem alive either. I don't know what that means." he explained, and then shook his head again. "Before disappearing, however, Jocelyn gave me something. She had hoped that although she was going to send them to Ragnor you would have found them, and she gave me some stuff to help. It's all at Amatis Graymark's old house." he told him, giving him a key.
It was gold and big and looked old. Magnus put it down on the table, and glanced at Luke with a wondering gaze. "You knew that they were still alive?" he asked.
Luke looked down at his now cold tea. "I didn't know they were alive. I hoped, but I looked for them in all of Idris. I never found them. The Clave didn't find them either and proclaimed them dead. I didn't dream that someone might have found them and brought them here to live as Mundanes." He smiled. "And then a week after I moved here, Clary herself walked into my bookstore." Magnus looked at the bags full of mangas and books in understanding, and almost rolled his eyes. Luke seemed sad. "She didn't recognize me. Last time I saw her, I was half wolfed out and she was three. She looks so much like Jocelyn." he sighed.
Magnus snapped his fingers and a photograph came flying in his hands. he handed it to Luke. "This is from last week, before her birthday." he told him. Luke traced the picture with his hands. Clary was dressed in a black and white outfit, hands on two boys' arms. One had brown hair and glasses. The other was Sebastian. Unlike his sister and the brunette, who were making faces at the camera, he was smirking, looking so much like Valentine that it took Luke's breath for a second. He had inherited his mother's eyes just like Clary, and his elegant suit made him look like a prince straight out a fairy tale. His throat felt dry. He had no claim on either of them. He was Sebastian's godfather, but the young man staring at him out of the picture looked didn't look like anyone that Luke knew. He handed the picture back to Magnus, the lump in his throat making it harder for him to swallow.
Magnus was looking at him carefully. "So, you think Jocelyn and Valentine are both alive? Perhaps they will come forward and claim the two again?" asked the man, and Luke shook his head.
"As I said before, I don't know. They might be alive, but they might not, and I'm not sure what's the situation."
Magnus nodded again. "Are you staying? If yes, I can imagine a lot of different scenarios as to what could happen once they get here." he warned him, and Luke stood up.
"No. I just wanted to say, thank you. For all you are doing for them, for what you've done for them. You've done so much more than I have and I am glad, for all its worth, that they lived with you and your friends rather than with Shadowhunters."
Magnus bit his tongue to stop himself from telling about the trial and grinned smugly. "I enjoy their presence when they aren't being too stubborn or annoying. They are good kids." he said, but the fond tone gave him away. Luke smiled knowingly, and then left the house.
Simon couldn’t sleep, the feel of uneasiness biting his insides. Lily had warned him- had warned them both- about the effect of the transformation. The first two days as a vampire were the hardest. Emotions came and changed with no control, changing of moods so swift and so fastidious.
He looked at Raphael, laying on the bed next to him. He seemed so peaceful. In all his Mundane life, Simon had never seen the man look anything short of threatening and completely in control of himself. For a while he had thought that Raphael was unable to feel emotion.
But then Simon had managed to make him smile for the first time, and that small smile had been like a creak in his armour, allowing Simon to see the Vampire Head as who he really was: Raphael Santiago, a boy who never lost hope and fought with all his powers. And now he was asleep in Simon’s bedroom, his head tucked under his arm, and his hair completely soft, no trace of gel.
Raphael was strong, but Simon wasn’t. Simon didn’t know how to adjust, how to live his life as if everything was fine, as if he was still Simon. The Simon everyone was used to, the Simon who made jokes, who made everyone laugh, the Simon who didn’t look at his friends and imagine what it would feel like breaking their necks and tasting their blood.
It had been easy the day before forgetting all this, just enjoying the way partying with Clary made him feel, the way Magnus treated him as if nothing had changed, the way Sebastian teased him mercilessly and cracked vampire jokes and puns one after the other.
But now, looking at the sun shining outside Hotel Dumort, he felt trapped, caged. He was never going to lay outside, go to school, or even turn 18. He was never going to be old enough for a car, or to drink legally. He probably was never going to get drunk either. He was stuck in this state of eternal thirst, cursed and abandoned by God, in a way he had only felt like once before, when his mother had thrown him out of the house.
Elaine Lewis had been a firm Jewish woman, like Simon, and she tolerated no son of hers to ‘lay with another man’. She would have probably completely deleted all his pictures from the house if she had found out he was a vampire too.
Before, when his mother kicked him out, Clary was at his side. And Jordan too, together with Maia and Sebastian and Magnus. But this… this was something his friends couldn’t help him with. This hollowness, this sense of being empty and useless shook him from within.
With all the caution he could muster, he slid out of the bed and turned to look at Raphael. His shirt was missing, from the supreme making out session of the day before, and he was beatifically asleep. Simon felt a pang to his chest. What about Raphael? Seemed to be asking him the voice.
Raphael doesn’t need you. You are a fledgling, a baby, a toy. He’s just playing with you. Once he gets what he’s in for, he’ll leave you.
The sensation in his chest was crushing him, making tears appear to his eyes. He just wanted this to end. He wanted all of this to end. He walked down the hallway, which was unsurprisingly empty. It was 1 pm, and most of the vampires were asleep. The few ones that were still awake didn’t bother him, just looking talking to each other.
He was different. He was a modern vampire, a religious one who didn’t even want to be a vampire. He should have died. Well, he could fix it now. He squared his shoulders, the dread in his chest not stopping, but certainity..
“Hey, fledgling, what are you doing?” asked a voice, and Simon moved forward, ignoring him. “Fledgling! Raphael!” called the voice again, and panic seized Simon.
He didn’t want to live. He didn’t want to die. He was scared, and he just did the first think human!Simon would have done, ran to the first escaping route. Simon ran forward, the wundiw showing the sun outside bright and deadly for him.
He heard Raphael running after him, but he was too slow and it was too late. Simon jumped out of the window, and Raphael screamed, the sun unwavering in the sky.
"Are you sure that this is my colour?" asked Clary twirling around in the yellow dress that Maia and Tessa were gushing about. Her brother, who was sitting with a bag at his feet, snorted, and Clary immediately zeroed on him. "What?" she asked, hands on her hips.
Sebastian grinned unabashedly at her. "I personally think you look like a huge canary." he told her. Clary glared at him, and Sebastian laughed. "Tweet tweet motherfucker." he said, and Maia turned around to hide the smile on her face.
Tessa seemed scandalized. "Sebastian!" she called, but Clary had already returned to the changing room to change out of the dress.
"That was uncalled for." said Maia, forcing herself to look stern.
Sebastian rolled his eyes. "Your face is uncalled for." he muttered, and Maia slapped his head.
Tessa crossed her arms on her chest, looking at him sternly. "I understand that you think that your clothes are perfect for Idris and-"
"My clothes" interrupted Sebastian "are perfect for anywhere in the world, actually, dearest Theresa Gray." he answered, as Clary stepped out of the room with a pink dress.
"I feel like a confetti." proclaimed the girl, but both Maia and Tessa shook their heads.
"You look beautiful, Clary!"
Sebastian narrowed his eyes. "I think that that dress is too short for my younger sister to wear."
Clary grinned at him. "Thank god your opinion doesn't matter, then." she answered, leaving a scowling Sebastian to gape at her.
She quickly changed back into her military hip hop trousers and a black t-shirt. The dresses that she was buying for Idris were perfect, but she was more of a jeans and shirt kind of person. Maia and Tessa were trying their best to convince Sebastian to buy some very impressive completes, and she took it as her cue to leave her bags and walk away. Going around in the huge mall was one of her favourite things to do. She spotted a Sephora, and decided to make a quick dip in and maybe buy some make up. She couldn't recall if there were make-up stores in Idris.
The red headed girl was heading for the Maybelline spot when she spotted a familiar jet of black hair, standing not too far from the eyeliner stands. She smiled to herself. "Hello, Alec." she said, and the boy jumped, startled. She continued to smile. "What are you doing here?" she asked, and the boy looked down at her with a frown.
"Oh, it's you. I- I'm just. There was..." he stuttered and Clary laughed.
"Jesus, it's fine, I was just kidding. There is nothing bad about make up. Magnus wears it all the time." she explained, shrugging.
Alec blinked. "What? No! It's not for me. It's for Izzy." he explained, and now he got the red head's attention.
"Izzy? You make errands for your sister?" she asked, and Alec shrugged, biting his lower lip.
"I couldn't stand being at the Institute any longer, and she knows me, so she gave me an escape route." He looked down at her and smirked. "After all, she owes me one for going to that date with you and having me cover up for her." he added, and Clary looked up at him confused.
"Date? We didn't go on a date. Or did it happen and I don't know?" she asked, seeming uninterested as she took a black eye pencil with a thoughtful look on her face.
Alec looked at her in confusion. "She said you took her to that Downworlder party thing." he added, and Clary looked up in understanding.
"Oh! That. Simon was also there, though?" then she spotted the list in his hands. "Oh! Need help with that?" she asked, and Alec looked at her in suspicion.
"Why would you help me? We aren't even friends. I barely know you."
The red head rolled her eyes. "You found out my evil plan, giving you low quality and iper expensive make up and forcing Izzy to use them. I'm so evil." she said in the most slow and sarcastic tone she could muster. Alec scowled, and she took the paper from his hands. "Besides, I wanted to say thank you." she explained, scanning the aisle for the perfect shade of foundation.
Alec glanced at her, his outraged expression changing into a confused one. "For what?" he asked.
This time the younger girl didn't look at him. "For the water, when me and Seb where in that dungeon thing. I know you didn't do it for thanks, and I know Magnus told you to, but I'm still thankful. Someone else might have ignored Magnus' orders and not done it. You did, and it gave me enough energy to save my and Seb's life. And for that I want to say thank you. Doesn't matter that you did it just to get into Magnus' pants." she added the last part with a smile, and Alec, who had looked uncomfortable during the thanking, managed to reach the ultimate stage of blushing.
"What?! No!"
Clary handed him a tube of lipstick to hold out for her, and arched an eyebrow. "So you did it to get in my pants?" she asked, and giggled at Alec's expression.
"What?! No, I'm gay!" he blurted out, and quickly looked around to see if someone had heard. If they had, no one showed it.
Clary laughed. "I'm kidding, don't worry. Magnus' gaydar works amazingly fine." she told him. At the way his face fell, she was quick to add. "He is the best wingman someone might ask for. Simon's gaydar was obviously bought in a reused store." she snorted, but her chest hurt a little at the mention of Simon. It was hard not to think about her best friend, who she used to hang out with every day but now could barely see. It was upsetting.
"What about yours?" he asked, sounding all casual. Too casual for Clary not to feel like this wasn't simple curiosity, but she wasn't shy about who she was.
"Dunno. I am too busy trying to figure out if I feel sexual attraction to anyone at all to bother finding out about others." she said, shrugging and picking up the blush. "Also, if you must know, Magnus is single and fabulous." she told him and winked.
Alec tried to explain himself, but then gave up on her, as she handed him the blush. "Even if I wanted to, you should know that it's frowned upon, Shadowhunters meddling with Downworlders." he said, and she gave him a poisonous look. "I am not talking about me. I am talking about my parents. You know why I wanted to get out of the house? Because I came out to my parents, and they were disgusted. I broke off my engagement to Consul Branwell who was as forced to do it as I was, and they can't believe I had the nerve. And now they started to believe that Izzy and Jace’s claims about being poli and pan, which they didn't before. A phase, that what they thought it was. I found out what they did, how many bad things they were involved with and confronted them and now they dare to be disgusted by me!" he took a deep breath, and looked down at Clary, embarrassed. He hadn't meant to explode.
He expected her to be looking at him with wide eyes, but instead she gave him a couple of nail polish. "Cool story. Feel better now?" she asked, gazing intensely at a blue nail polish. "You think this will suit me?" she asked as well, now looking up.
Alec felt a smile tugging at his lips, and Clary grinned back. "I do. And no, that colour is awful."
Clary jumped out of the car, smiling apologetically at Tessa. "I just need to speak to Simon before we leave." she explained.
Magnus gave an exaggerate sigh. "Why can't you just call him? Sebastian texted Raphael. Be like Sebastian." he complained, pulling her suitcase out, but the red headed girl was already running down the road.
Clary stopped only once she reached Jordan's apartment complex, but before she could even buzz, someone appeared in her line of vision. Simon. Simon her best friend. Simon her best friend who had been turned into a vampire. Standing there. In direct sunlight. "What the fuck, Simon get out of the light!" she said, but even as she said it she knew something wasn't quite right. Simon should have been burning. Instead, he looked completely fine. Except for the haunted look in his eyes.
“Clary… I need your help.”