embers

Nyssa had been taught, for as long as she could remember, to control her emotions. Then to use them, to channel them, once it became clear to her trainers in the league that she would never be able to repress them entirely, the way her father expected her to.

Even when she had tried so hard to act the way he wanted, she had felt the shame of her own emotions like an albatross around her neck. Something to squirm and move inside of her like a monster she couldn't banish. There were times when she barely recognized what she was feeling.

But Sara had sparked something inside her. A deep, old longing she had never been able to admit to. Sara's laugh had been like the sun coming out after a lifetime of darkness. But even Sara, her Sara, irrepressible and forever as she was, had been changed by the league. Nyssa had to watch her try to contain her own brightness, like trying to hold sunbeams in her fingers. The darkness found her and it was an endless night that they both had to learn to live with.

But now Nyssa wanted to be something different. It was a strange feeling for her. She had come to discover, however, that her mind often wandered now to Laurel, and the person she saw when she looked at Nyssa. Laurel was the opposite of Sara in many ways. Instead of quashing it, she had harnessed her light. She had made it her strength and her weapon. And somehow, for some reason, she seemed to look at Nyssa like she could do the same thing. Nyssa felt embers of potential stirring within her, some bright sparks in the ashes inside her, and it made her want to burst into flames.

Now though? Now she felt sick, and scared and her fingers were tingling. She cannot remember the last time her hands were unsteady. Because that cold void that had always rested within her, the hollow place she had always tried to force her mind to go to, was full of dread and the looks on the faces of those in front of her only increased it.

"What do you mean Laurel has been taken?" Felicity demands, her eyes wide. "Where is she?"

Nyssa shook her head. If only she knew. She'd scour the earth to find her, that was the only thing she was certain of. "I don't know." Is all she can say.

"How do you know she's gone? What did you do?" Oliver narrows his eyes at her accusingly. Nyssa feels a flush on her cheeks. What was happening to her that he of all people could make her feel shame? She knew the answer, of course. Laurel was in danger and it was her fault.

"Many people," She started, taking a deep breath to steady herself. " Are angry at my disbanding the league. As you can imagine, it was profitable for many. Criminals, mercenaries, militant groups. Information and work came through the league for many. And so now this particular group of mercenaries have taken Laurel. They left me a calling card - I would rather, however, not wait until they choose to contact me again since I believe they mean to force my hand. Either to recreate the league or to begin passing them information once more. Or..."

She trails off. The endless possibilities for cruelty flooded through her painfully.

"Or?" Diggle prompts. His arms are crossed angrily, but she senses some sympathy behind his eyes. This is such a contrast from how he normally looked at her that she didn't know if it was better or not.

"Or this might simply be a punishment. In which case..."

"In which case Laurel is in even more danger." Oliver finishes, though nobody needed him to.

Thea, who had watched this whole scene with wariness, moving around the edge of the group, her predatory cat like gaze pinned on Nyssa, finally spoke up, asking the one thing no one had thought to bring up yet. "Why would they take Laurel?"

Her eyes are piercing, and far more perceptive than her brothers, since he seems perplexed when everyone else glances at their feet awkwardly. Thea, of course had known the answer before she asked the question.

Nyssa raises her chin defiantly, her jaw flexing. She feels as if steel is coating her bones as she stares straight ahead. She had no lies, nothing to say other than the truth. It is the only thing in her.

"It is unoriginal, but effective. Have not all your adversaries tried the same thing?" She asks Oliver who glances away from her sharp look. "In order to hurt your enemy, in order to force their hand, you do not hurt them. You hurt the thing that is most precious to them."

Silence greets her words. They ring out around the lair like a bell. Like if anyone spoke, there would be an irrevocable shift in them all.

Felicity is the first to respond, a light house in a storm. "Whatever the reason, they have our friend. We have to get her back. You give me whatever you know about these guys and I'll start working up a profile, find some places they might be."

"I'll go see Quentin, see if he has any leads." Diggle says, Thea hot on his heels. She shoots Nyssa a small, somewhat pitying smile on her way out.

Oliver still seems to be floundering. Nyssa sees his fingers flexing, his urge to use his bow, to funnel his frustration, is achingly familiar to her. She had been feeling the same thing for hours.

She turns to him after she had told Felicity everything she could to see his taught as a bow, a frown creasing his face.

"But why Laurel?" He shakes his head. "I know you two are...friends, if you can call it that."

"I do." Nyssa snaps. She sighs then, her anger melting away. She feels sorry for him, somehow. She had brought forth secrets, the inner lives of the women her surrounded himself with. He didn't really know any of them, she thinks. It must be somewhat strange, to question the people you thought you knew. "You know, Laurel was - is - a great friend of mine. She brought me a sense of happiness that I cannot put into words. And so after getting rid of the league, I was adrift. I did not know my purpose. I did not have anyone to turn to. So I looked to the person that made me feel settled. Normal. And I came to star city."

Oliver looks at her for a long moment. "Laurel never said anything. About you being here, I mean." There is a softness to his tone now. He knows what it is to be adrift.

"She didn't know. I did not quite have the courage to knock on her door." Nyssa smiles sadly. Her heart twists inside her. If she had been a little braver, if she had gone to Laurel properly, she might have been able to fight these men with her. This might not have happened. She would have her war companion, she would have her sword, her canary looking at her the way she always did. "But I checked in on her. From a distance, to make sure she was alright."

Oliver nods like he understands. Her answer seems to satisfy him.

"You care about her." He says simply, but he's looking at Felicity when he says it. Nyssa knows he is thinking about how he feels for his beloved. She wonders if he's finally piecing it together now.

"As I said. Really, I think she is the only person in the world I have left now. And I would not wish for another...not anymore."

She thinks about Sara. Lost somewhere, to time, to memory. Laurel feels real to her in a way she had never experienced before. She wants to take this feeling and make a home for it. It's strange. She had felt that she had given her soul to Sara, but when she thought about Laurel she felt that she could have a piece of it back. Those sisters were the tide ebb in her heart, shifting and eroding her in ways she couldn't control.

Suddenly, as if from far away, the computer makes a noise. Felicity types furiously, it is incomprehensible to Nyssa, but then the images floating on the screen seem to line up and Felicity reaches out into the air. Oliver meets her hand, taking it in his. Nyssa is struck by the idea that Felicity had know instinctively he would be there to do so. Would Laurel feel that, somewhere out there? That Nyssa was coming for her?

Because she was. Felicity barks out the most likely address before contacting Thea and Diggle. Nyssa follows Oliver, and for the first time since she had got that too familiar calling card from those thugs, she feels steady.

Because she is armed not only with her weapons. She is armed with information and a desperate need. And sometimes that is enough. Or at least, she hoped it would be.