Sway

Living together was different, but in all the best ways. Previously, they’d stayed with one another in their various ‘homes’ — Buffalo, Frankfurt, D.C., Satellite Beach. They’d lived out of suitcases together and dedicated drawers to one another. Now, the line was entirely blurred between what was Ashlyn’s and what was Ali’s…especially because, as Ashlyn had learned before, Ali really was secretly a huge slob when it came to cleaning her room.

Ashlyn found herself rifling through piles of Ali’s stuff just because it seemed to spill out from everywhere. There had, at one point, been room enough in the closet for both their things, but then it was slowly taken over by Ali’s extensive purse collection.

They fell into a routine together. Ali always woke up first. Ashlyn would roll out of bed later to the smell of coffee, which they would drink together in the kitchen while they made breakfast. Then they would head to training with Chris, their personal trainer, or with the team in middle-of-nowhere Maryland, Ashlyn leaving first to get there in time for goalkeeper training, and Ali arriving later with the field players. After training, they were free to do whatever, so they spent it exploring DC and visiting friends and family.

As the season started, they both learned to work around each other as they completed their pre-game rituals. Ali, who’s game-day mostly just involved relaxation and painting her nails, learned not to step on Ashlyn’s need for precision and habit in everything she did — from her game day breakfast, to the music she listened to. Ashlyn learned to loosen up a little with it, only really slipping into her zone as they drove to the field (separately, as Ashlyn used to the time to center herself before entering the crazy locker room, entirely professional and focused).

As the season started, their routine also began to include losing every week.

Ashlyn threw her bag down on the floor, hardly out of the way of the door and stalked to the bedroom she shared with Ali. It was a mess, thanks to Ali, and the sight only made Ashlyn grumble more. She rifled through clean shirts and sweatpants before finding what she wanted and stripping to change into the new clothes. She heard cursing from the front of the apartment and knew that Ali was probably back as well.

“Ash,” she called out. Ashlyn didn’t answer, waiting for Ali to walk down the hall. She did, her footsteps loud on the hardwood.

“Ash,” she said with clear exasperation. She was holding out Ashlyn’s bag in the hand that wasn’t occupied with her own stuff. “It doesn’t take much to actually take your bag to our room and put it where it goes.”

Ashlyn grabbed the bag from Ali but muttered as she turned around, “And it wouldn’t take much for you to pick up after yourself a little.” She heard Ali’s enraged scoff from behind her and knew that she had heard her.

“Oh, so is this what we’re doing right now?” Ali asked pointedly. Ashlyn turned to see her standing in the doorway with her hand on her hip. Her eyes flashed dangerously.

“Why not,” Ashlyn said, pushing past her. “Maybe if we fight some more at least one of us can win something tonight.” Back in the living room, Ashlyn collapsed on the couch, spreading out so completely that her feet hung off one end. She could sense Ali standing at the foot of the couch.

“Is that what this is about?” she questioned. “Because I’m pissed, too, Ash. You’re not the only one who’s lost every single NWSL game they’ve played in. I’m on that field, too.”

“Yeah, but this matters more for me,” Ashlyn said into the armrest. It muffled her voice a little. Ali’s voice wasn’t. In fact, she sounded more hysterical.

“It matters more to you? Do you somehow think that I am not as invested in this team, in football, as you? What the fuck, Ashlyn?”

“No,” Ashlyn replied sharply, rising from her position on the couch, “but if your team does bad, you’re not in danger of getting cut from anything. Everyone’s probably looking at my game and how many times I’ve let things slip. They probably think I’m a horrible keeper when really, if I didn’t have a shit back line, I might be able to save a bit more shots.”

Ashlyn saw Ali visibly flinch at that last comment and knew she had gone a bit far.

“Al,” she said hurriedly, her voice softer. “Al, Alex, I’m sorry. You know I didn’t mean you.” Ali didn’t reply. She was taking long, measured breaths, her eyes shut. “Alex,” Ashlyn repeated. She took a step closer to her and reached out to take her hand, but Ali pulled it away.

“I have been trying so hard,” she finally said, her voice strained. “I really have.”

“I know you have,” Ashlyn said. “You’ve done your best. The problem is the kids who don’t know anything and the coach who literally does not coach.” Ashlyn reached out again, and this time Ali let her touch her. “I’m just really frustrated with everything.” Ali let out a groan.

“And you think I’m not? I hate this just as much as you do.”

“No, but…” Ashlyn ran a hand over her face.

She had been worried about this from the moment they went into practice and realized that their coaching staff and a good majority of their field players were green and incompetent. They’d both had some reservations, and so had Lori, but they’d all kept their mouths shut, silently praying that things would get better. Soon, they’d find their rhythm, some sort of connection on the pitch, and they would get better.

That hadn’t happened, and it only led to losses, anger at one another, and disappointment. It seemed like the whole season was a hopeless cause. It didn’t help that they played against their friends — all of whom knew how badly they were struggling. There was no way to hide the embarrassment.

All the while, Ashlyn worried about what was being said about her. The criticisms had started rolling in a few games in, when it became quite clear that the Washington Spirit was the exact opposite of a winning team. And what was at stake? Her position on the National Team. Her position as an allocated player. Her position on the Washington Spirit. What if Tom decided that there were better keepers in the NWSL — ones that played for winning teams? What if US Soccer decided to drop her and leave her to the mercy of the pay cap? What if the Spirit decided she wasn’t worth it and traded her across the country?

Ali was safe. She didn’t know how good she had it. Not a critic touched her; instead they were commending the hometown girl for battling adversity and returning to Virginia. US Soccer had need for her as she was still considered the best right back in the world. The Spirit would never willingly part with her. She was about as safe and secure in her career as a soccer player could be.

“What are you mumbling about? Honestly, Ashlyn, speak up.”

“I’m worried I won’t be able to do enough this season to keep my spot,” Ashlyn said a little bit louder.

“Ash, I don’t think — ”

“Save it, Ali. I’m not in the mood for anyone to lie to me right now.”

Ashlyn walked around her, back into the bedroom and put herself to bed. It was only eleven thirty, but she really didn’t want to talk to Ali anymore. Laying there, she closed her eyes and tried to drift off, but her mind was moving at a hundred miles an hour. She couldn’t stop thinking about that night’s game and the fateful moment when she had let that goal in. She couldn’t stop thinking of the other games when the same thing had happened.

Eyes still shut, Ashlyn heard soft footsteps in the room before she felt Ali climb into bed behind her. After careful rustling and shifting, Ali finally settled, and Ashlyn could sense the wide gap of space between them where usually they would be tangled together, pressing goodnight kisses to lips and cheeks and giggling like children as they fought for leg space.

Despite her earlier anger, Ashlyn found herself looking over her shoulder at the shadowed outline of Ali’s body. She was facing away from Ashlyn as well, her breathing quiet, but far too fast for her to be asleep yet. Ashlyn turned over and made a choice.

“Hey, Al,” she whispered. Ali shifted a little. “Al, I’m really sorry I said all of that. I didn’t mean it.”

Silence in the dark, and then another rustle. Ashlyn waited, holding her breath, wondering if Ali would ever answer her. Cold seeped into her limbs and she wondered if she had messed this up, too.

“Thank you,” Ali finally said. She turned onto her back so Ashlyn could see the way her lips turned down, the way her dark hair was splayed behind her head on the pillow. “I’m sorry, too.” She turned onto her side so that she was facing Ashlyn and continued, “Ash, we can talk about how you’re feeling if you want to, or any steps you want to take.”

Ashlyn bit the inside of her cheek. It was late and she was bone tired from the game and all the emotions that ran inside of her. All she wanted, really, was for Ali to hold her.

“Ashlyn, they all love you at camp. If they watch the games, they’ll see that you’re doing the best with what you have. When I said that I don’t think you have to worry, I was being serious.”

“Ali, I’m not mad, but I don’t want to talk about this anymore tonight,” Ashlyn said. Ali’s words had hardly served as any comfort to her with the state her mind was in. She held out her arm to Ali. “Can we go to bed and talk about it tomorrow.”

Ali pushed herself up on one elbow and gave Ashlyn a look. “I promise I’m not mad at you, Alex,” she repeated. “I’m just tired.” She motioned for Ali to move closer to her, and she finally assented, shifting so that she was resting her head on Ashlyn’s chest. Ashlyn sighed contentedly, rubbing her hand up and down Ali’s arm languidly. Her mind was still going, but she hoped that her body could find some relaxation with Ali around her like that.

Ali suddenly shifted again and Ashlyn’s eyes opened. “Goodnight kisses,” Ali said softly, and pressed her lips against Ashlyn’s. The suddenness of such an innocent little moment made Ashlyn laugh softly as Ali continued to press kiss after kiss lightly on her lips before snuggling back down into her embrace.

“Alright, cutie, time for bed actually,” Ashlyn said, her entire chest filled with the sort of warmth that made her physically ache, but in a good way. “I love you,” she whispered.

“I love you, Ash,” Ali whispered in return.

Living with Ali, especially in the midst of such a discouraging season, also made it impossible for Ashlyn to hide how low her lows sometimes were, and how they sometimes snuck up on her without any visible reason.

During one of those days, Ashlyn was laying on the couch, curled up slightly to fit her legs on it, and watching TV blankly. They’d had training that morning, as usual, but when Ashlyn had driven back, she seemed to lose all energy and will to do anything. When Ali emerged from the kitchen, she walked over to rest her hand on Ashlyn’s thigh.

“Down day?” she asked. Ashlyn nodded. “Do you need anything?”

“Cuddle with me?” Ashlyn asked quietly, lifting one arm out to Ali. A soft smile spreading across her face, Ali clasped hands with Ashlyn and situated herself on the couch. Ashlyn shifted and the two of them laid one behind the other on their sides. Ashlyn sighed contentedly as she wrapped her arms around Ali’s middle, resting her head so that she could press kisses to the top of her head at her leisure.

On days like those, Ashlyn was even more thankful that Ali was there for her and, if she’d ever had any reservations over letting Ali have a second chance, they had melted away completely. Ali never balked at Ashlyn’s occasional need for more comfort, her spells of intrusive thoughts or crippling sadness that seemed to weigh her down. She kept her word and she stayed and all Ashlyn could do was tell her over and over again how much she loved her.

She wasn’t entirely out of hope, though. There were the good days amidst all the losing, the way the team just couldn’t bring itself together, the way she was continually beat upon each game day. There was a day when she was offered a chance that she’d never thought she’d be given.

Ashlyn didn’t exactly know how to tell Ali the news. They’d both been so excited at the prospect of playing and living together that, to mess that up — even for only a few months, seemed somehow like she was ruining everything single-handedly. Still, she knew she had to do it soon because Ali was giving her a measured, evaluating look over the top of her coffee mug as they sat across from each other at one of their favorite brunch places.

“So…my agent called yesterday,” Ashlyn started. Ali perked up with interest.

“Oh? Did he say anything?”

“Yeah, actually,” Ashlyn said. She rubbed the back of her neck. “He said there was a team that wanted me to play for them, really badly.” She watched first as Ali registered her words, and then as her face fell. She set her coffee cup down.

“Are you leaving?” she asked in a sort of broken whisper. Ashlyn sat up further in her seat, realizing immediately that she had gone about the whole thing in the entirely wrong way. “Is this about what we talked about last month?”

“No, no, no,” she said quickly, trying to keep her voice low so as not to call the attention of the other customers sitting on the patio. “I’m not leaving the Spirit, Al, I promise.” Ali’s body relaxed minutely, but Ashlyn could still see the worry and anxiety in her look, her posture, the way the corners of her lips downturned.

“Um, the team is Tyreso in Sweden,” Ashlyn explained. “They want another goalkeeper for their end-of-season push, so if I was to say yes, my contract would be from the end of our season to like October or November at the latest.” Ali blinked at her.

“It’s not something I’ve said yes to, yet, Ali,” Ashlyn continued, trying to make everything sound as good as possible. “I can turn them down.”

“No,” Ali said finally. “You should take it. I mean, I’ll miss you, but we’ve done this before, and you’ll get such good experience playing in Sweden. It would be good for you to not have an offseason, really.” Ali sounded a bit like she was convincing herself.

“Are you sure?” Ashlyn said. “We can talk about it more.”

“And we will,” Ali said, “but I think you should do it. I think it would be a real missed opportunity to say no…And aren’t they doing really well this season?”

“Yeah, near the top I think,” Ashlyn replied with a smile. “They’re in the Champions League, too.”

That night, as they settled in together in the dark, arms crossing waists in the usual ways, heads resting on pillows and chests and the tops of heads in the usual way, Ashlyn came up with a brilliant idea.

“Alex,” she whispered into Ali’s ear. She could tell her breath tickled because Ali shivered a little and reburied her head in Ashlyn’s neck. “Alex, what if I asked if Tyreso wants to sign the best right back in the world, too?” Ali looked up.

“Well, if they are looking,” Ali said, “this right back would love to play with them because she hears they’ve got this new American goalie who’s super hot.”

It was already an adventure to travel to Sweden, everything they would need for their three-month stay packed in a variety of luggage. It was an even greater adventure for Ali because Ashlyn had seriously constricted the amount she was packing. And then, they found more adventure when they realized that the lodgings they had been given by the team were in a real, honest-to-god castle.

The two of them stood side by side with their bags at their feet, looking at the grand stone structure for a good couple minutes before they even made a move to get everything inside. They were so awed, and so excited for their short-lived life in Sweden to begin.

The season went well — filled with new friendships amongst their new teammates, exploring around Sweden as well as elsewhere in Europe, and plenty of time together. As the season drew to a close, the invitations to the Swedish Football Gala went out. Some of their teammates were up for awards, so they both definitely wanted to be there. Ashlyn thought it would be the perfect way to end the season.

As she watched Ali out of the corner of her eye, though, her stomach churned with nerves. She opened her mouth, closed it again, and wondered whether asking her would be the right thing. They had gone out on a walk together that afternoon, down a familiar route around the castle they were staying in. The leaves of the trees around them seemed to be on fire, the branches proudly displaying an array of yellow, red, and orange. More leaves crunched under their feet.

“Did you figure out what you’re wearing to the gala?” Ali asked.

“Umm…” Ashlyn had been so focused on worrying about the question she wanted to ask Ali that she was taken completely by surprise. “Yeah, I think so,” Ashlyn said. “I have ideas, but I still need to go shopping.” She nudged Ali in the side with her elbow, loving the knowing grin that crept across her face.

“I would love to help,” Ali said. “Especially because…” She paused and stopped in her tracks, causing Ashlyn to come to a halt as well. Ali faced Ashlyn, reaching out to take both of her hands in hers.

“Is everything okay, Al?” Ashlyn asked.

“Yes,” Ali replied, a bit sharply. “Sorry, it’s just…I’m trying to ask you something important, here, so please just let me.” She looked at Ashlyn with a puppy-like gaze.

“Okay,” Ashlyn said.

“Okay,” Ali repeated. She took another deep breath. “So, this is kind of a big thing for me, but I was thinking about it for a long time, and I realized that there was nothing I would like more right now. So, Ashlyn Harris…Will you be my date to the football gala?”

Ashlyn stared at her, stunned, before she showed off a wide grin, so enormously proud of her girlfriend. The woman across from her, the most beautiful woman in the world in Ashlyn’s eyes, was holding her hands in the middle of the field, asking her to accompany her to an awards gala. Ashlyn could feel the corners of her eyes crinkle with how hard she was smiling.

“You mean it?” she asked. Ali was biting her lip, looking a little sheepish. Ashlyn couldn’t help but pull her in close to her and place a kiss next to her lips.

“I mean it,” Ali assured her. “I want to be able to go to things like this with you. You know, not just that we’ll both be there at the same place.”

“You’re amazing,” Ashlyn asserted with awe. She extricated her hands from Ali’s grasp to cup her face in her hands, drawing her in for a real kiss. She hummed against Ali’s lips with happiness.

They decided not to match exactly, but to be complementary with their outfits (“So that we kill it in the photos,” Ali had said. Ashlyn had argued that they’d kill it anyway.). They dressed in their separate rooms, Ashlyn finishing first. She wandered her way over to Ali’s room afterwards and rapped her knuckles on the door lightly before pushing it open.

Ashlyn’s jaw nearly dropped. Ali’s back was facing the door. Her hair was in loose waves over her shoulder, exposing the strong muscles of her back where the short black dress she was wearing hadn’t been done up.

“Couldn’t wait?” she said over her shoulder with a cute little wink. Heat flooded through Ashlyn.

“You look gorgeous,” she got out in reply. Ali turned and walked over to her, pressing her lips against Ashlyn’s.

“Mmm,” she hummed as she pulled away, keeping her hands resting on Ashlyn’s chest. “I’m glad I didn’t put on lipstick yet. You look so hot, Ash.” Ashlyn smirked at her, taking advantage of their position by running her hands down the open back of her dress. Ali jolted a little as her fingertips brushed the top of her panties.

“We don’t have time for that right now, unfortunately,” Ali said, grabbing at Ashlyn’s arms to stop her. Ashlyn groaned. With the way her dress fell only to the middle of her thighs, Ashlyn was enthralled completely. Her fingers itched to touch her. “Here, zip me up,” Ali said, turning around. Ashlyn did as she was told, kissing Ali’s neck lightly as she went, and Ali had to bat her away so they could make it out the door.

Their night started off smoothly enough, until they arrived at the gala and were bombarded by the flashbulbs of all the photographers that swarmed the long entranceway all the soccer players had to pass through. Beside her, she felt Ali stiffen and move away from her. Ashlyn glanced back at her to make sure that she was okay. Ali only gave her a terse nod and nudged her to continue walking in front of her until they made it past the press and were safely ensconced inside the large ballroom.

When Ashlyn turned to face Ali again, her face was tense. Ashlyn let the back of her hand brush up against Ali’s in lieu of the embrace she wanted to envelop her in. Ali jolted and then seemed to really focus on her and her body began to relax.

“Sorry,” she said. “I didn’t know it would be that much.”

“It’s okay, Ali,” Ashlyn replied. “You don’t owe them anything.” She watched as Ali’s face began to light up again. Confidence seemed to return to her limbs and embody her stance. Ashlyn couldn’t help but beam back at her in return. She was beautiful like that; so strong and so herself and utterly, completely Ashlyn’s. Ali grabbed ahold of Ashlyn’s arm and allowed her to escort her to their table.

They sat with their teammates, Christen and Whitney and Kling, and drank and ate and Ali soon began to relax more fully as they sat back to watch the presentation of awards. The food was decent, but the champagne was better and they all had plenty. As they mingled with their teammates, and those of opposing teams in the Swedish league, Ashlyn watched Ali out of the corner of her eye, her breath catching in her chest as she saw just how beautiful she was like that, smiling eyes and soft hair.

She reached over to place a hand on Ali’s knee, squeezing gently. Ali looked over at her with a smile and rested her hand on top of Ashlyn’s, the tablecloth obscuring them. Ashlyn sat back and listened to Ali telling whatever story she was telling, simply thinking. She could see the two of them like this in the future, going to events together, weddings together. Ashlyn ran her hand a little further up Ali’s leg, needing to see her smile in her direction again.

Her heart thudded loudly and insistently in her chest. She was so in love.

“Thank you for being my date tonight,” Ashlyn murmured into Ali’s hair as they snuggled together under the covers, skin against skin. Ali shifted against her to caress her cheek with her hand softly.

“Thank you for giving me another chance to be with you,” she replied. Ashlyn opened her mouth to respond. Ali didn’t need to thank her for that. Everything was behind them, now. They were fine. They were perfect. Ali cut her off by pressing a kiss to her lips. It was sweet and soft and so unbelievably tender that Ashlyn couldn’t help but let out a moan at the feeling. She could feel the longing to be ever closer to her tighten her chest.

Ali continued to hold her close as she broke off the kiss. “I’m serious, Ashlyn. You didn’t have to open yourself up like that again, but I am so glad you did. All I want to do is make you happy. Thank you for letting me try.”

“You make me so happy, Alex,” Ashlyn croaked out, her voice hoarse. She nuzzled against Ali’s cheek, feeling the familiar choking sensation that usually preceded tears. But they would be happy tears. She really could see them like this far into the future. She couldn’t see anything else.

Looking into her eyes, she could imagine the house together — a real one, with a fence and a yard, and room enough to host their friends. She could see the ceremony with the white dress and a tall cake and both their families and all their friends looking so proud to see them so happy together. She caught herself as she thought of the nursery, light pastels on the walls, little feet and little hands on someone that was all theirs.

But she wanted it. She wanted it so intensely it scared her.

“I love you more than anything, babe,” Ali returned.

“I love you, too,” Ashlyn whispered into her hair. She wanted to tell her everything she was feeling and thinking in that moment, but she worried it might be too soon, too abrupt. She settled for wrapping Ali in her arms more fully and sighing against the skin of her shoulder. Together, they fell asleep.