Sway

Training ended early because it was raining. Hard.

They’d all looked up with disinterest as the first couple drops pattered on their faces. After all, they’d played and practiced in much, much worse. Field player drills continued without interruption as Ashlyn and the other goalkeepers, sequestered in their own end of the field, dove left and right on the slick grass.

Then the heavens had opened up as though a large bucket of water was being dumped on them all and, amidst the shrill squeals of the players, everyone made a nearly-organized dash for their things. The equipment was all packed up in record time as players and staff alike scurried to the team vans. Each plopped in a seat with a sigh, wiping rain and sweat from their faces and laughing like loons at the downpour outside.

Somewhere amongst the running around, Ashlyn found herself diving into the last seat of a van containing Alyssa, Barnie, Stephanie, and Ali. Ashlyn looked over at her teammate, her hair dripping on the seat. As their eyes met, they burst into laughter together. Ashlyn reached up to wring the water out of her hair over Ali’s head. The defender yelped and batted her away.

As the vans all pulled up in front of the hotel, it was another mad dash from the safety of the vans to the safety of the hotel lobby. Laughing and slugging water and mud everywhere they went, the crew from US Soccer blew past the stunned hotel staff and loaded into elevators to make their way to their rooms.

“Did you see Barnie?” Ashlyn laughed she shut the door behind her and Ali. “She looked like an angry cat.” Ali laughed, poking her head out of the bathroom to mimic Barnie’s expression.

“Ugh, this is disgusting,” Ali said as she pulled off her cleats, each one squelching loudly, and then her mud-covered socks. Wet grass was plastered all over her legs. “Look!” she squealed. “Unreal.”

Ashlyn’s eyes traversed the length of Ali’s legs appreciatively. Her legs were muscular, defined, long and toned. And she couldn’t help but think that Ali looked astoundingly cute with grass and mud along her knees, her face pink with laughter.

“You still look good to me,” Ashlyn said. She paused as she realized what she’d just said, wishing she could take it back. Ali was looking at her with that weird expression that she couldn’t yet figure out. Ashlyn looked away and moved out of Ali’s line of sight so that she could shuck off her shirt and cleats.

Ali and Ashlyn took turns showering, Ashlyn deciding to break the weird tension that hung between them by singing loudly and awfully. Freshly cleaned up and bundled up in comfy sweats and sweatshirts, Ali invited Ashlyn over to her bed and pulled out her laptop so that they could watch a movie.

As it was nearing Halloween, Ali put on The Nightmare Before Christmas and the pair sat back against their collective pile of pillows, each buried snugly under the covers. Ashlyn noted that the movie could be considered more of a Christmas movie than Halloween, but Ali simply said, “It’s multi-holiday,” with an easy shrug.

There were times when Ashlyn’s heart beat so fast she wondered how she was not going into cardiac arrest. And then there were times when she seemed to count long seconds between each pulse and time slowed so greatly she wondered how she had ever made it through that long before. With Ali so close beside her, her heart seemed to be executing a series of jumps and skips, a strange dance of palpitations.

“That stuff you mentioned on the beach the other night…” Ali started, her eyes still focused on the movie. Ashlyn swallowed thickly. She looked at the space that separated their sides from touching, wondering if the eight inches was too much or too little for this conversation.

“Do you want to talk about it? Are you okay?”

Ashlyn smiled lightly, but her eyes saw past Ali.

Control. As much as she appreciated Ali wanting to check up on her, she didn’t want to have that conversation yet. If she was entirely honest, she couldn’t figure out exactly why she had mentioned anything to Ali.

“Have you seen me? I’m perfectly fine,” Ashlyn replied easily. Control. Deflection. “Honestly, all of that is behind me now.”

And it was. She hadn’t seen her parents in a couple years or spoken to them very much at all. She only kept in contact with Chris and her grandmother and a couple cousins. Chris she called every now and then, just to check in on him. Sometimes she found him worse off than others and she would hang up feeling stuck a little deeper in the past as her mind tried to fill in the blank spaces of his life. How many highs and lows had she missed?

“Okay, Ashlyn,” Ali said with that look again. Ashlyn’s smile faltered and she looked away. She waited for it to come, but Ali didn’t question her further or pressure her to talk. Ashlyn toyed with the top of the puffy white comforter, watching Ali watch the movie out of the corner of her eye. She knew neither of them was really paying attention to it anymore.

In a way, Ashlyn was thankful when Pinoe knocked on their door and told them to come down to the conference room to watch film from a couple of their opponents’ recent games. It was like they’d both been holding their breath the entire time and finally, finally they could let it out again.

The next day, they played Haiti and won easily. Ashlyn didn’t dress out. Ali didn’t play. After everyone had returned to the hotel, they’d looked at each other and it was like a silent pact passed between them. Patience, Ali’s eyes said. You’ll get your turn, Ashlyn’s said in reply.

The next day’s training was held in the weight room of the training complex near the hotel. The players who’d seen the field got a relaxing pool session. Those who were benched got a lovely workout to do. The team trooped over there in matching US Soccer shorts and tanks, half of them excited for an easy day spent stretching and relaxing their muscles in the water, the other half grumbling about the pain they were about to endure. Ashlyn and the other benched goalkeepers were pulled aside as usual and given a special workout from Paul, focusing on their upper body and core for the day. The others did a range of strength and agility drills as well as some weights.

Ashlyn loved the burn. It was the type of pain that she knew made her better. With each repetition, she could feel her muscles growing stronger. Not to mention, it put her in a good head space, too.

Gritting her teeth against the pain in her arms, Ashlyn kicked out her legs and forced her body to obey her. Just one more and she would be done. Just a little more. She pulled her bodyweight up, her chin back over the bar and then, a feeling of intense relief rushing through her, she let herself drop, exhausted, back down to the floor.

“Great form,” she heard in a familiar mumble. Grinning, she turned to see Ali standing behind her, one hand resting jauntily on her hip and the other gripping a water bottle. Ashlyn could tell she’d been going hard as well from the mane of fly-aways that had escaped her ponytail and the dark sweat marks on her tank top.

“Thanks,” Ashlyn said. “I gotta keep these babies up to standard.” She flexed exaggeratedly, drawing a nose-crinkling laugh from Ali’s throat. Ashlyn let out a breath of relief as she was flooded with giddiness no post-workout endorphins could ever provide her with.

“I don’t know. Keep that up and I think your head will get bigger than your guns ever will be,” Ali replied, smiling with her tongue between her teeth. Ashlyn watched her with wonder, nearly forgetting to respond.

“Hey, I resent that! And aren’t you supposed to be working out, missy?”

“Cool-down break,” Ali said offhandedly, flipping her ponytail.

“You’re such a princess,” Ashlyn laughed, shaking her head.

“Excuse you, but I could beat your ass if I wanted to.”

“Really, now…”

“Mhmm.”

“Krieger!” The two of them looked around to see Dawn Scott yelling from the opposite side of the room. “Unless you want to play in goal with Harris, I suggest you get back to work with the other defenders.”

“Ooh, you better thank Dawn for saving you.” Ali narrowed her eyes at Ashlyn.

“You’re a bad influence, Ashlyn Harris,” she said before sticking her tongue out at Ashlyn and walking away. Ashlyn watched as Ali picked out a medicine ball and joined Whitney for a partner exercise.

Ashlyn was admonished again by Paul as she returned to her own workout. “This may be Cancun, Harris,” he said, “But this is also the CONCACAF qualifying camp. If you’re not serious, I’m happy to just send you home.” Ashlyn had nodded demurely and kept her form in the best shape she could for the rest of their session.

Being the roommate of Ali Krieger meant a few things: 1) any sort of order Ashlyn tried to keep in the room was undone as Ali’s things ended up literally everywhere. 2) She had to learn to live with the smell of nail polish because Ali insisted on doing her nails and half the team’s as well. 3) Ashlyn had to remember to breathe every time they got too close or their eyes met while she was smiling in her Ali Krieger way or she stripped in front of her without a care.

“How have I not seen that before?”

“Huh?” Ashlyn watched with confusion and, admittedly, mild fear as Ali leapt over her open suitcase to get closer to her. The two had just finished showering after their training session, Ashlyn emerging from the steam-filled bathroom wearing only shorts and a sports bra and drying her hair with a towel.

“Your tattoos,” Ali replied. She reached out and Ashlyn instinctually flinched a little. “Oh, sorry.”

“No, no, it’s okay,” Ashlyn corrected hurriedly. She gazed curiously at Ali’s face, the way she looked so intensely interested. “You can look, if you want.” She moved so that her left side was on full display for Ali, who stepped closer to admire the colors and patterns that were splayed across her skin. Ashlyn’s skin prickled a little with how closely Ali was examining her. It was almost like she could feel a shadow of her touch.

“Beautiful work,” Ali commented after she’d soaked up the intricacies of each flower.

“There’s more,” Ashlyn said, “A butterfly right here.” She indicated the area above the flowers that was covered by her bra. “And I have my brother’s name over here.” She ran her hand near the underside of her breast.

“Any more?” Ashlyn laughed.

“No, but I want more,” she said. “I have some ideas, but I’m still saving up.” She relaxed herself again and flipped her hair to continue drying it. “What about yours?” she asked finally. “I’ve been meaning to ask what that says on your arm and side.”

“Oh, Liebe,” Ali said, looking at her forearm with a caring sort of smile. “It means ‘love’ in German. And the quote on my side is German, too — from The Little Prince.”

“Any others?” Ashlyn echoed Ali.

“Just this,” Ali said, pulling the waistband of her shorts and underwear down a little so that Ashlyn got a nice view of the Penn State logo on her hip bone, topped off with a number 22. Ashlyn grinned, both at the tattoo and the placement.

“You really are a Penn State girl,” Ashlyn laughed. “I don’t even have one for UNC.”

“Ooh, you wouldn’t want to ruin your body with that,” Ali joked, smiling with her tongue between her teeth.

“You mean perfect my body,” Ashlyn corrected, feigning offense. “Not that it’s not perfect already,” she corrected again.

“You’re such a narcissist,” Ali drawled. She picked up her brush and started to work through the wet tangle of her hair.

“So what’s your costume gonna be?” Ashlyn asked.

“Shit,” she said.

“Woah, Kriegs. Watch the language!”

“Shut up.” Ali picked up her discarded towel and whipped it at Ashlyn, but hardly caught her arm. “I completely forgot about the costume party.” She bit her lip contemplatively. “I suppose I can put something together last minute…”

“How could you forget? Everyone’s been talking about it.”

“I’ve been hanging out with you all the time!” Ali replied with exasperation. “So, if you’re so prepared, what are you going as?”

“It’s a surprise,” Ashlyn said. “But I promise you, it’s good.”

The game against Guatemala was basically a joke. The players never really treated games that way but, from the sidelines, players joked and laughed and hardly watched, looking up only to see yet another shot find the back of the net. Afterwards, the locker room was filled with noise — loud music, laughter, chatter. Everyone was recounting their favorite shots, trying to one-up the other goal-scorers. Ali had gotten a handful of minutes at the end there, filling in for Heather Mitts. Ashlyn waited for her to get changed and they headed to the vans together.

“Hey, let’s go,” Ashlyn said as she came into the room. She’d just been out to fill up their ice bucket, but she had been distracted by the interesting view from the hall window. Ali was sprawled on her bed, looking through something on her phone. She looked up with a confused expression.

“Meeting’s not for like an hour,” she said.

“I have a surprise for you,” Ashlyn insisted. She tugged at Ali’s foot to get her out of bed. The defender grumbled all the way along their journey downstairs but immediately apologized once Ashlyn led her to the covered patio where a large wedding reception was being set up.

“Care to investigate, Ms. Holmes?” Ashlyn asked. Ali laughed and the two hurried around looking at all the different place settings. Aaron Heifetz soon found them and, shrugging at each other, they agreed to do a few funny poses for him.

The next day’s training was filled with Halloween spirit. Pinoe wore a mask to training and refused to take it off and the field players played a game of “werewolves and humans”, Dawn’s Halloween twist on sharks and minnows. After some convincing, Paul allowed the goalkeepers to join as well, but they were all easily taken out by the “werewolves” in the starting rounds.

Pacing around the midfield line, Ashlyn watched her prey. She and the other werewolves, Barnie, Alyssa, Stephanie, Whit, and Lori, started getting really into the true embodiment of werewolves, baring their teeth and snarling at the humans lined up at the end of the field.

“Ready, set…go!” Dawn called, setting the humans loose upon the field. Some, mostly the forwards, used the ‘run as fast as you can and don’t look back’ strategy while others, mostly the defenders, tried the ‘choose your moment wisely and break their ankles’ strategy. Ashlyn kept her gaze on one human in particular, deciding that her main goal this game would be to make her a werewolf.

Ali crept up the field at a casual lope, her eyes looking out for the penny-clad werewolves that were occupied many yards in front of her with chasing the speedy Alex Morgan, Sydney Leroux, and mask-wearing Megan Rapinoe. On the other end of the field, Abby Wambach was blowing past a couple werewolves while, just a step behind her, Sarah Huffman was tagged.

Ashlyn knew from scrimmages during training that Ali had speed, but she’d never realized just how fast the defender really was until her lungs and legs were burning trying to keep up with her. Ali had noticed that Ashlyn wasn’t going after the other players, preferring to watch her advancement down the field. With a smirk, Ali had continued straight along her path towards Ashlyn before easily faking her out and speeding past her.

The other end line of the field was approaching and Ashlyn was still a full stride behind Ali. She decided her last hope lay in a lunging jump at her legs. She just needed to get one touch in. Calling on her reserves of strength, Ashlyn willed her feet to move just that little bit faster. Reaching out, she just went for it and cheered silently as she felt her fingers meet damp fabric. Then she tasted grass and felt the sharp pain of something hard under her side. She looked up to see Ali’s cleat.

“This is not tackle football, Harris, it’s sharks and minnows,” Dawn called out, causing Ashlyn to blush. She got up quickly and leaned over to offer Ali her hand.

“You mean werewolves and humans!” Pinoe called out from the opposite end line.

In that round, Sarah, Mittsy, Lep, and Ali had all been caught. The latter accepted Ashlyn’s hand, but looked at her with a steely challenge in her eyes.

“You’re getting really close to Krieger.”

I know, Ashlyn thought. She was getting ready for the Halloween party with Whit in the room she shared with HAO. Whit, who was going as a bumble bee was just hot gluing yellow pompoms to the tops of her pipe cleaner antennas. Ashlyn had spent the past twenty minutes blowing up her inflatable orca the old fashioned way and was nearly there.

“Are you worried because we haven’t seen much of each other this camp?” Ashlyn teased. “Because you know you’re still my best friend.”

“Very funny,” Whit said, adjusting her finished headband. “I just want you to be careful.”

“Is Ali dangerous?”

“That depends what you want to be to her,” Whitney replied. “Just…”

“We’re not doing anything, Whit,” Ashlyn said sharply. “It’s not like that.” Ashlyn made her excuses and left the room, heading back down the hallway. She knew Whitney only meant well, but she felt she couldn’t help her response. She knew that her feelings for Ali, if they could be called feelings, would only give her more pain, but she didn’t want to face the harsh reality of that yet. It was too nice, just being near to her.

Halfway down the hall, Ashlyn passed the alcove that housed a couple vending machines and, more importantly to the players and staff, the ice machine. She heard the whir of the machine and voices talking quietly, but didn’t pay it any mind until she heard her name. Ashlyn’s ears perked immediately and she paused in her walk, resting her back casually against the wall.

“She’s got a fearless sort of style,” one voice noted. Ashlyn’s eyes widened as she realized it was Pia.

“But she’s giving away a lot of easy saves because of it. I don’t think it’s bravery that she throws herself around like that. It’s like some ego-trip death wish.” That was Paul.

“That’s a bit dramatic.” Dawn Scott.

“Maybe,” Paul said, “But I stand by my assessment. Stick with Barnie and Jill. She’s not ready.”

Ashlyn didn’t wait to hear anything else. She pulled away from the wall and strode down the hall, head down, feet carrying her as quickly as they could away from there. Behind her, Shammy the orca bounced along the thin carpet unceremoniously. In the swirls of pattern beneath her feet, she could see the youth national team wins, her starting place with UNC, their NCAA win. She could hear the praise she’d been showered with as a youth player. That she was going to be something. That she was going places.

Of course she knew, after such long radio silence from the national team, she wouldn’t win herself a spot on any roster in the near future but, as the darkening shadows began to encroach on her vision, she couldn’t help but hate herself and her performance for the past week.

“Woah, slow down there!” Ashlyn was jolted back to the present as her body collided with another. Looking down, she saw Ali Krieger staring back up at her and she began to feel the dark haze start to dissipate. Heat burned through her t shirt where Ali’s hands were resting, one on her side, the other near her shoulder. She simultaneously wanted to be far, far away from her and standing right there, touching even closer forever. It should’ve been impossible to at once feel like she was drowning and being pulled from the depths of the water.

Ali looked Ashlyn up and down with interest, her eyes finally landing on the blow-up orca that was attached to Ashlyn’s arm. It was laying on its side. Ashlyn tugged the lead to right it.

“So you are…”

“I’m a dolphin trainer,” Ashlyn said. “I…um…couldn’t find a dolphin.” Ali laughed.

“It is a nice costume,” she said. She reached into the bag on her arm and pulled out a pair of sunglasses. “Here,” she said, putting them on Ashlyn’s face, “to complete your look.”

Ashlyn grinned back at her.

The party was about as crazy as it could get with the camp-instituted ban on alcohol. It was probably for the best as Pinoe and Lori, the terrible two, were outrageous enough without any help. Kelley O’Hara and Mittsy were controlling the music, blasting tunes for everyone to dance to. The new college girls especially were having a good time.

Ashlyn had been pretty popular at the start of everything as Ali and everyone else had asked her to show them all of Shammy’s tricks. She hammed it up for Aaron Heifetz, who was interviewing everyone about their costume choices. Christie was a queen, Ali went as a diva, Alex and a couple others matched in their ‘beach babes’ shirts. As people tapered off to dance or play cards with Barnie and Alyssa, however, she found herself at a table with a cup of punch and Shammy discarded on the seat next to her, wishing vaguely that the punch had been spiked.

Alone, she had the space to remember what she had heard earlier. How she wasn’t good enough, wasn’t ready. She wondered at what Paul had mentioned about her reckless style. What “death wish” had he referred to? Alone, she also had the space to remember how she’d snapped at Whitney earlier as well, and then all the other times she’d done the same thing. She knew she had been unfair to Whit when she was only trying to protect Ashlyn, but she couldn’t bring herself to find her friend and apologize. She was sinking in too deep and found that her limbs were too heavy and tired to kick back out again. Ashlyn pulled out the sunglasses she’d hung from the collar of her shirt and twisted them around in her hands. They were large and rounded, women’s sunglasses and not really her style, but they screamed Ali Krieger.

In the lenses, she caught a glimpse of her reflection. It was only a second, but it made Ashlyn pause again and wonder why exactly she’d been so quick to toss careless words in Whitney’s direction when she’d only ever been looking out for Ashlyn. Why she hadn’t just listened to the other goalkeepers’ advice in training. Why she’d had to tear her ACLs — one after the other. Guilt settled in the center of her chest. Usually, she would combat the feeling with a lighthearted distraction, but she couldn’t find the energy to join her teammates with a joke.

“Whitney told me you’re the life of the party.” Ashlyn didn’t have to look up to recognize who was sitting next to her. The mumble was unmistakable, but so was her body language and her smell. Everything she did simply exuded Ali Krieger, all subtle confidence and soft expressions.

“Sorry to disappoint you,” Ashlyn replied, looking at her hands. Another hand, palm up, entered her vision and she finally looked up.

“Come on,” Ali said. Ashlyn looked at her questioningly. “Come on,” she insisted. “Let’s go on a walk.”

“I don’t feel like I’d be good company right now,” Ashlyn said.

“Too bad,” Ali mumbled, “because everyone knows divas always get what they want and I want to go on a walk with you.” Ashlyn looked at her with exasperation but took Ali’s hand anyway and stood to follow her.

They went back out to the beach, like they had that night after they ‘crashed’ that wedding reception. The salty sea breeze was cool and light and the movement of the ocean lulled Ashlyn into a calm only disrupted by the tremors that ran through her heart at the feeling of Ali’s hand in hers. She hadn’t made a motion to unlace their fingers, so Ashlyn let it be. They walked in silence a little ways before Ali stopped, looking out over the water. The lights glinted back at them, reflected in the crests of the waves like fallen stars.

“So, something’s up,” Ali started. Ashlyn bristled and pulled her hand from Ali’s. The other girl sighed as she looked at her and nudged Ashlyn’s shoulder with her own to get them moving again.

Ali led Ashlyn to a section of beach where the sand was even and dry and sat them down facing one another. They sat cross-legged like a pair of schoolchildren, simply looking at each other. The ocean, to Ashlyn’s right, kept time with its steady in and out.

Ali held out her hands, palms facing the sky in the space that separated their bodies. Ashlyn raised an eyebrow at her.

“Come on, have you never played this game?” Ali asked. Ashlyn hovered her own hands over Ali’s, a few inches above. “Look at me,” Ali murmured quietly in a voice that made Ashlyn’s heart break and her hands long to close the distance and interlace with Ali’s. She obeyed, staring into Ali’s eyes, careful not to let her know how rapidly her heart was beating in her chest.

Ashlyn couldn’t tell if Ali was purposefully trying to distract her with the way she pulled her top lip between her teeth in steely concentration. It was all Ashlyn could do to keep her eyes from drifting lower and her own lips from moving as well. She was growing antsy, simply looking at her like that and not moving and she could tell that Ali sensed it too as a lazy smile crept across her face. She quickly moved her hands to slap Ashlyn’s but the goalkeeper tucked them away in time. She raised her eyebrow at Ali again, a challenge.

They started the game over.

“I heard Paul and Dawn and Pia talking about me by mistake,” Ashlyn admitted after the third round.

“What?”

“You wanted to know why I was upset,” Ashlyn replied, still looking into Ali’s eyes. She could see herself in her irises, small and warped. Ashlyn blinked to refocus and moved to slap Ali’s hands. She missed.

“What did they say?” They reversed positions.

“Paul thinks I have a death-wish, I take too many risks, and I am unreliable,” Ashlyn replied with a sigh. “I’ve been with the national team since I was fourteen and I still don’t have a senior cap…and now I might never get one.”

“You can’t give up that easily,” Ali protested, shaking her head. “This is just one camp. Players fall in and out of favor all the time. I should know; I’m one of those. The only thing you can do is play your hardest and hope it makes enough of an impression to get called back to camp.”

“And if that never happens?”

Ali looked reflective for a moment before she answered. “Trust that you did all you could…be happy that you got a chance to play the game at all.”

“It’s just that I had to go and get injured so much. It’s set me back,” Ashlyn muttered, more to herself than to Ali.

“But, Ashlyn,” Ali said ardently, “you’ve made your comeback. Other athletes might have thrown in the towel, but you didn’t. You’re still here and still pushing. You can’t give up your fight after all that.”

“It’s not so easy,” Ashlyn protested, letting a bit of a sneer slip through. She folded more into herself, tucking her legs closer to her chest. What did Ali know about this fight? What did she know about the pain that had wracked Ashlyn’s body as she struggled to make it through each and every training?

“I know.” Ashlyn looked at her, disbelieving. “Before the NCAA championship my junior year, I broke my leg.” Ashlyn let her face fall. Oh. “So, uh, that was good timing,” Ali said sarcastically. “And then healing from that didn’t go exactly right. I got all these blood clots — pulmonary embolisms — and I started having little heart attacks. Luckily, I happened to be dating a medical student because he told me to go to the hospital. The doctors said that if I’d gone to sleep that night, I might not’ve woken up ever again.”

Ashlyn stared at her with wide eyes. She couldn’t even imagine the fear Ali must’ve felt as she went through that, the crushing realization that she had been touching her fingers to death’s. She couldn’t imagine the strength needed to pull herself out of that and become, well, extraordinary.

“I’m sorry,” Ashlyn mumbled. Ali shook her head.

“I don’t want sympathy. I’m just saying, you can come back from a lot of bad shit if you really want it hard enough. But you have to put in the work.” Ashlyn nodded.

“And, I suppose, I’m trying to say there’s a silver lining in all this bad stuff that happens. My brother, Kyle…he was doing really badly when all of this was going on. But when he heard that I’d almost…you know…died, he started to straighten out his life and get sober.”

“He was an addict?”

“Alcohol, cocaine, meth… He had put a lot of bad into his body.”

“My brother and my parents, too,” Ashlyn admitted. “My parents were especially bad…And I did…I mean, I tried…” Ashlyn tapered off, not really sure how to tell her what she’d done, what she’d felt to make her want to numb herself completely. It seemed weak to try to explain, especially to Ali Krieger who’d walked up to death’s door and spit in his face. Ali Krieger who came back so fiercely she was playing in the top team of the Bundesliga. How could she ever want to hear about the battles she had fought inside herself? How could she ever want to be saddled with that?

“Is that why you don’t talk to them?” Ali asked quietly. Her dark eyes were trained on Ashlyn. Ashlyn nodded once and looked away. Her eyes traced the little hills of sand around them, the way the little granules dotted both their legs and feet.

“They don’t want to hear from me,” Ashlyn said, equally as quietly. She let out a short laugh, derisive, and said, “You know when if feels like everyone and everything is against you? Like tonight…” Ashlyn shook her head and looked back up at Ali.

Ashlyn’s breath caught in her throat as she noticed Ali lean in closer to her, felt the shadow of her palms against Ashlyn’s as she lowered them down. The sound of the waves stilled, disappeared. The ocean might’ve been a lake for all Ashlyn knew as Ali’s fingers curled into hers and held on tightly. Her hands were warm. Ashlyn knew that hers were trembling slightly.

“I’m not against you,” Ali said in that mumble of hers.

She leaned in closer.

“If you looked around, I think you would see a lot more people care about you than you’ve ever probably realized, Ashlyn Harris,” Ali murmured to her. Her eyes burned into Ashlyn’s, dark pools of chocolate brown where she could catch the vaguest hint of her reflection. She wondered if the image she saw in there was what Ali saw as well. She looked so small. Ashlyn could hardly recognize herself.

Ali leaned in closer and all Ashlyn could hear was the pounding of her heartbeat in her ears as Ali’s lips parted ever so slightly and Ashlyn’s eyes darted down to watch them. She leaned in closer, as if pulled on a string. First, their breath mingled, and then their lips.

It was simultaneously the softest kiss and the most urgent kiss Ashlyn had ever felt. She could feel herself melting at the warmth of Ali’s lips on hers, soft and supple and faintly sweet. She was melting so quickly and so easily she felt she just had to hold onto something to feel that she was still real. Her hands squeezed Ali’s tighter, lacing their fingers together. As they nudged noses and swallowed each other’s gasping breaths, Ashlyn reached up a hand to cup her cheek and kissed her again.

Maybe it was the setting -- beautiful beach, ocean breeze, darkened sky. Maybe it was the tenderness of Ali's lips against hers, the soft breath, the slight trembling of her body. It didn't matter. Ashlyn was beginning to believe her. Ali tugged on Ashlyn's bottom lip gently and Ashlyn sighed against her. She could tell. She could feel it in her chest and in the charge of the space between them that Ali cared.

When they pulled away finally, Ashlyn’s hand caressed Ali’s cheek before it fell to her lap again. They were breathing heavily, darkened eyes wide with surprise. Ali looked away first. Ashlyn wished that there was more light to see if she was blushing. It seemed so as she dropped her head and tucked an errant lock of hair behind her ear.

Ashlyn's eyes followed the movement and a soft smile crept across her lips. Who would have thought that things would come to this? Ali Krieger. Ashlyn itched to reach towards her again, she was so suddenly flooded with excitement.

“We should go inside,” Ashlyn said quietly. Even though she was uncertain it was the right thing to say, she knew they couldn’t just sit there like that, stuck in the aftermath of that one moment of bliss. Ali looked as if she had just been shocked. Her gaze shifted back to Ashlyn before darting around them like a cornered animal. Warily, Ashlyn reached out a hand to help her stand up.

“Right,” Ali said abruptly, ignoring Ashlyn. She stood quickly, sending a spray of sand in Ashlyn’s direction that sent her into a fit of coughing.

Ashlyn was still wiping sand from her mouth as she watched Ali hurry back down the beach looking for all the world as though she was being chased. Ashlyn couldn’t do anything but stare after her as she went, the feeling of Ali’s lips still lingering on hers, and the scent of her perfume still hanging in the air.

Ashlyn's heart found itself in her stomach.

Things had been so good, for just that moment of utter bliss. Of course Ali had to run. Of course Ashlyn wasn’t allowed to have anything nice, not really. Angry, she picked up a shell near her and lobbed it into the ocean watching as it sunk quickly into the water and was tossed around by the pull of the waves that seemed far more turbulent than she’d remembered from only a moment before.